Broken up, now friends but...

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex after 9 months together. It was clear after going away on hols together that I could not not bear the endless complaining. I spoke with her about it but she said that it's not complaints just comments and she was of the view that she would never change. The other point that swung me was that she is very disorganised, the complete opposite to me in that area.

These points aside she's a good person, she is very caring and has a very kind heart. She's also excellent company conversationally. It was probably the best relationship I've ever been in, in terms of its honesty, warmth and genuineness.

We've stayed friends and have been in very regular contact, almost daily but there has been no attempt by her or by me to get back together though I still care deeply for her and she for me.

I feel badly about cutting all ties as I still have strong affection for her and as she is much less fortunate in her circumstances. For her €20 is a windfall and for me I earn ten times her salary. I always tried to ease the financial situation without taking from her dignity or making her feel that I was giving her charity.

But the crux of the question is:should I break all ties with her as I feel that I'm not moving on, not giving myself a chance to meet someone else and in particular we had organised a trip away together that is coming up soon. She's really looking forward to it but I'm not, I just don't feel like going. I could go and it wouldn't kill me, but there's the bigger picture...what do you think?

kelly1979

my advice is if you don't see a romantic future with this woman and are only seeing her out of charity, then yes, cut contact as no woman wants to be a charity case.

gogglebok

It's a tough one. You don't want to be cruel, but at the same time the holiday could be a disaster. When you were a couple, going on holiday together was so horrible you broke up. Now that you don't even want to go, think of how much worse it could be.

Is there any friend of hers you could give your ticket to?

If you explained that you were having troubling moving on when you still spend so much time with your ex, would she understand?

papillon66

Being in your position myself with one of my exes...I understand that you don't want to go-the things is...

1-if you booked this holiday before the broke up you could explain that the situation has changed and you're not willing to go as you feel that it won't be a good idea as you both need some time appart-you respect the friendship and her and you'll sort out if she wants to go with a friends-If she refuses respect her decision and bear in mind that it could be as a second broke up for her,so I believe the cut off all contact will be a good idea-But stay ferm and don't mess with her headtrying to get back in contact with her after a long while-If you care about her do what it's best for her...and forget about the guilt she'll move on...we all do

2-if you booked it after the broke up I'd say you put yourself in trouble with too much of affection and not too much brain-So as you said it wouldn't kill you to go.As you already gave her false hope, at least she'll have a great holidays and you get what you deserve for booking holidays when you know the situation has changed-After that you might have the best reason to cut all contact with her if you still wish doing it-And who knows maybe she won't complaint so much this time as she knows that it upsets you

The situation has changed...you were the boyfriend, now you're a friend...so act like a friend no an ex boyfriend-She has to know that beforehand in both cases-you broke up with her for a reason, use this same reason if that help you to stand your position-Be gentle but be ferm and don't mess with her head with your guilt-

Best of luck

AngryBadger

You're not involved with her anymore, so in my view while i acknowledge that it's nice to be nice, you have no ties to her now, you don't "owe" her as it were.

You highlight your problems, and by saying she didn't consdier it "complaining" but as "commenting", well the point wasn't really how she felt about it, the point was that YOU felt it was complaining, and it was causing a problem. By saying she was never going to change, I'd interpret that as meaning "I am what I am, **** you and whatever problems you think I'm causing".

And you're saying you don't want to go on this holiday, then don't go on the holiday, why should you have to put yourself through a miserable holiday just because your EX-girlfriend refuses to get her **** together?

In your shoes I'd tell her I didn't want t go, or jsut make up some excuse if you think that'll cause problems. Basically it's not your fault she can't sort herself out, you've highlighted the problems and her response indicates that she doesn't really care about what people she's supposed to care for think, she only cares what she thinks.

Seems like if roles were reversed she wouldn't think twice about cancelling the holiday, and besides can't she jsut get someonee sle to take your place?