Innocent Sleep over

LegacyUser

Hey,

I'd be interested to hear the boardsies opinions on this situation as I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable or not..

I have a friend called Steve who I've known for almost 10 years. During that time we have never kissed, cuddled or anything of the sort, it's always been platonic. We often end up sitting up drinking till th eearly hours at the weekend listening to music and I'll stay over in his place. We sleep in his double bed fully clothed and the most contact e have is he might put his arm around me, that's all. If we were gonna get together it woul've happened within our 10 year friendship.

Here comes the problem...I've started going out with a guy called Conor. We're both 27, it's been 6 months and so far so great. Anyway, I mentioned that tomorrow night myself and Steve are going for pints after work and i'll probably stay in his place. Conor has met Steve and they get along great. Steve is also kinda seeing a girl but only for a few weeks. When Conor discovered that I'd stayed with Steve a few times since we've been together he Freaked out and said it's as bad as cheating and that I'm naive for thinking that its innocent and that no man can sleep beside a hot (his words) girl and not want her.

He has stayed in his friends house before (she's a girl) but he says that's diferent cause he slept on the couch. the thing is, I have slept beside my friend innocently for years and it's just something we do. If my bf trusted me this surely wouldn't be an issue.

Just wondering if I'm completely out of line here and if so, how do I tell Steve that we can no longer sit up watching dvds then innocently crashing cause of my new bf??

Thanks!

Lollipops23

I believe you when you say that it's platonic, but when you're in a r/ship(even just seeing someone) you need to respect boundaries. It's innappropriate to share a bed with a guy, it's pretty intimate. i wouldn't even share a bed with another woman unless i was friends with her!

I can understand why your BF was annoyed, I trust my OH completely but i'd flip the script if he shared his bed with another girl.

Amanda

In honesty...

I wouldn't get in bed beside a male friend once I became attached, even if I'd been doing it for years before that. I have a deep sense of loyalty to a boyfriend once it's beenestablished we're an item. Call me old fashioned if you like but you are looking for honest opinions. I just wouldn't get in bed with another bloke who wasn't my fella once I had one. I used to get in bed with an ex when I was single and we'd become mates, and it really was just platonic for us both at that stage we were just used to having a friendship but it had to stop...and it did, completely, once I met someone else. I don't think it's fair on the new partner and doesn't start things on an even footing, would you like it if he got in bed with even just a platonic girlfriend? Because I certainly wouldn't but then I think I'm just very black and white, you're in or you're out kind of person and I don't get in bed with male friends at 37 anyway. I wouldn't even get in bed with female friends now, only my BF that's it as far as my bed goes. It's Ok if you're 19 but not at your age in my opinion. . . But that's just my opinion and if you're happy with it then you'll have to decide if you can handle the agro.

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I believe you when you say that it's platonic, but when you're in a r/ship(even just seeing someone) you need to respect boundaries. It's innappropriate to share a bed with a guy, it's pretty intimate. i wouldn't even share a bed with another woman unless i was friends with her!

I can understand why your BF was annoyed, I trust my OH completely but i'd flip the script if he shared his bed with another girl.

hmm..yeah, I asked a good friend of mine who's a guy and he said he'd go nuts too. It's just frustrating because it genuienly is innocent. I guess it's called compromise though and if I'm honest I wouldn't like the idea of him sleeping beside a girl even if they were life long friends.
Damn it. I hate being in the wrong.

cowzerp

Its not as bad as cheating!! but if he is uncomfortable with it then you should stop doing it, it is a bit to close for comfort unless the dudes gay! even if it could never happen, sleep on the setee in future, no big deal!

Mighty_Mouse

Tis a bit weird for 2 27 yr old mates to regularly share a bed IMO
Fair enough if its a jammers house/party/circumstances etc .................but as a regular occurance. Fokin odd

Completely sympatise with yer bf.

Susannahmia

Innocentsleep wrote: »

Hey,

I'd be interested to hear the boardsies opinions on this situation as I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable or not..

I have a friend called Steve who I've known for almost 10 years. During that time we have never kissed, cuddled or anything of the sort, it's always been platonic. We often end up sitting up drinking till th eearly hours at the weekend listening to music and I'll stay over in his place. We sleep in his double bed fully clothed and the most contact e have is he might put his arm around me, that's all. If we were gonna get together it woul've happened within our 10 year friendship.

Here comes the problem...I've started going out with a guy called Conor. We're both 27, it's been 6 months and so far so great. Anyway, I mentioned that tomorrow night myself and Steve are going for pints after work and i'll probably stay in his place. Conor has met Steve and they get along great. Steve is also kinda seeing a girl but only for a few weeks. When Conor discovered that I'd stayed with Steve a few times since we've been together he Freaked out and said it's as bad as cheating and that I'm naive for thinking that its innocent and that no man can sleep beside a hot (his words) girl and not want her.

He has stayed in his friends house before (she's a girl) but he says that's diferent cause he slept on the couch. the thing is, I have slept beside my friend innocently for years and it's just something we do. If my bf trusted me this surely wouldn't be an issue.

Just wondering if I'm completely out of line here and if so, how do I tell Steve that we can no longer sit up watching dvds then innocently crashing cause of my new bf??

Thanks!

I'm sorry but now that you are in a relationship this very inappropropriate of you and inconsiderate of your boyfriends feelings. I have a platonic relationship with a gay friend and we have slept in the same bed before. However I would never dream of doing it while in a relationship. I feel that it t is a form of emotional cheating as that intimacy should only be shared with your other half. I know I would freak if my boyfriend did similarly.

oldhairyman

I duno, i can see it from both sides here. although it may be completely innocent, it'd wreck my head if i knew my girlfriend was staying in the same bed as a man regardless of how well she knew him!
I used to be really good friends with a girl for almost ten years and i used to do the same and stay over in her bed loads of times with nothing happening, then one night she kissed me and it felt so weird and unexpected.she told me she'd liked me for ages but i never knew so be careful, this friend might actually like u sexualloy in some way.
You're a woman and he is a man and we really are just animals when u tink of it so two people of the opposite in a bed together and lots of drink could end up with sex.
Actually thinking of it now id have to agree with your boyfriend, its just not right for ye to both sleep in the same bed.ye are both adults and unless yer a couple then its just wrong, if you were single there would be no problem. why not still drink with this mate and stay over but just let him know that you'd feel more comfortable sleeping on the couch.
And ye women never know whats going on in a mans head.if a girl is hot then a man will think of her sexually regardless of how well he knows her...i even know of men that talk about how sexy their own cousin is...not joking!

gogglebok

I can see why your boyfriend would have a problem with this. Can you imagine saying at a gathering that your partner sometimes shares the bed of another woman? I don't think adding "but it's all completely innocent" would spare you the pitying looks.

On the bright side, it shouldn't sound too strange to your friend if you ask to sleep on the couch from now on. He will surely understand your boyfriend's feelings.

If the intimacy of a shared bed is something you really don't want to lose, talk to your boyfriend. But don't be astonished if he doesn't change his mind.

Overheal

Yep, I've been driven to insanity by this in the past. Its just extremely unconventional to do. Then of course you will never be able to shake that doubt about whats really going on at these sleepovers despite her best efforts to convince you otherwise. You really don't get a whole lot more intimate than that.

CrazyNoob

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Tis a bit weird for 2 27 yr old mates to regularly share a bed IMO
Fair enough if its a jammers house/party/circumstances etc .................but as a regular occurance. Fokin odd

Completely sympatise with yer bf.

+1

Nevyn

I don't find it odd that you share a bed with your friend who happens to be male.
I would not have a problem with someone I was in a relationship sharing a bed for sleeping only with a friend who was male or female.

But your bf does so you either have to
tell him you are not changing how you live your life and if he can't trust you and deal with it break up with him
or find a way to compromise like getting an airbed and a sleeping bag for when you stay over in your friends.

TerrorFirmer

It's a tricky question. To be honest, it's not so much about the technical rights and wrongs. Yes, there is nothing inherently wrong in your practice, but it would bother most partners and it's about reasonable appeasement. He was wrong to call it as good as cheating, but it presents to him a continuous potential for something bad to happen outside of his control. Can you blame him? I think not. For the sake of his peace of mind, I'd try and adopt the conventional sleep on the couch routine - after all, is there any real reason that you need to sleep in this guys bed? Regardless of your history as friends, on a primal level a guy and girl sleeping in the same bed in a variety of scenarios - assuming they're both hetrosexual - is potential for sexual activity regardless of how small the odds and it's a bit inappropriate when you're attached.

In my opinion.

Jigsaw

Thaedydal,

I absolutely disagree with this. How can you say that you see nothing wrong with it? That is an astounding remark. Can you not see that the boyfriend finding out about this is going to be very damaging to trust? Is it not fair to say that the vast majority of times a male and female get into bed together sex will follow or at least be on the agenda. Fair enough, nothing may be happening but to be doing this is damaging to trust and out of respect to her boyfriend she should stop doing this.

Tails142

It seems to me like you WANT to sleep in the same bed with your friend?

Why is it such a big deal for you that you HAVE to do it?

Aurora Borealis

My younger self would have scoffed at having to justify the ins and outs of any friendship to a SO but for me now I think that if your partner has difficulties with this then maybe it's something you do need to address if only out of respect of their wishes. I'm working here on the assumption that they would do the same for you. He's not saying don't stay over he's saying don't stay in the same bed which if he is your main priority is not too big an ask. I would take issue if he could not trust you to stay over at all. I have many male friends whom I would stay with and with whom nothing has or ever would happen.

davyjose

innocentsleep wrote: »

hmm..yeah, I asked a good friend of mine who's a guy and he said he'd go nuts too. It's just frustrating because it genuienly is innocent. I guess it's called compromise though and if I'm honest I wouldn't like the idea of him sleeping beside a girl even if they were life long friends.
Damn it. I hate being in the wrong.

Good on ya for being able to admit it though.

Money Shot

All a bit Dawson's Creek for me.

I don't know any bloke that wouldn't have a problem their girlfriend sharing a bed with another bloke, full stop. Personally, i'd go off on one and It's not a situation I could live with.

I obviously can't speak for all blokes, but we are essentially animals of instinct, and there are some things a bloke just can't help no matter how hard he tries. I would find it impossible to sleep in the same bed as an attractive girl without at the very least having some 'Erotic' thoughts pass my mind. Trust me, it's either he finds you very unnatractive (unlikely as you're hot), he bats for Britain or he is having thoughts and hasn't had the balls to act yet.

biko

cowzerp wrote: »

Its not as bad as cheating!! but if he is uncomfortable with it then you should stop doing it, it is a bit to close for comfort unless the dudes gay! even if it could never happen, sleep on the setee in future, no big deal!

this

Velvet Vocals

firstly let me say this...... FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe the replies you've been getting OP... this is a friend you've know for 10 years. It's platonic. Of course you shouldn't have to change the way you live you life just to pander to your BF's insecurities. And let me tell you this, if you do... that'll just be the start of it!
No way, you just have to tell him that if he trusts and respects you then he'll just have to accept that this is part of who you are. You are a girl that has a friend who just happens to be male. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL????!!!

And as for the rest of you, seriously, in this day and age, can't we all move on from what was once thought, men and women can't be "just friends" surely we've come to the stage now where we can all think of other benefits of being close with someone other then sex.
I mean I'm bi-sexual, does that mean I'm going to sleep with girlfriends if I stay over just because the I have the ability to be attracted to them?
Come on people, we need to get past this kinda c*ap!

Amanda

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

firstly let me say this...... FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe the replies you've been getting OP... this is a friend you've know for 10 years. It's platonic. Of course you shouldn't have to change the way you live you life just to pander to your BF's insecurities. And let me tell you this, if you do... that'll just be the start of it!
No way, you just have to tell him that if he trusts and respects you then he'll just have to accept that this is part of who you are. You are a girl that has a friend who just happens to be male. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL????!!!

And as for the rest of you, seriously, in this day and age, can't we all move on from what was once thought, men and women can't be "just friends" surely we've come to the stage now where we can all think of other benefits of being close with someone other then sex.
I mean I'm bi-sexual, does that mean I'm going to sleep with girlfriends if I stay over just because the I have the ability to be attracted to them?
Come on people, we need to get past this kinda c*ap!

Emmmm.... NO

Velvet Vocals

Money Shot wrote: »

All a bit Dawson's Creek for me.

I don't know any bloke that wouldn't have a problem their girlfriend sharing a bed with another bloke, full stop. Personally, i'd go off on one and It's not a situation I could live with.

I obviously can't speak for all blokes, but we are essentially animals of instinct, and there are some things a bloke just can't help no matter how hard he tries. I would find it impossible to sleep in the same bed as an attractive girl without at the very least having some 'Erotic' thoughts pass my mind. Trust me, it's either he finds you very unnatractive (unlikely as you're hot), he bats for Britain or he is having thoughts and hasn't had the balls to act yet.

or... maybe he's just a nice guy who has a nice friend and who he likes being friends with so much that he wouldn't want to f*ck that up by doing anything so he's exercised self control for long enough that all of those thoughts just went away....

If you and other men out there don't open your selves up to this possibility you're going to seriously miss out on some great friendships!

Velvet Vocals

Amanda wrote: »

Emmmm.... NO

No what?

Amanda

Money Shot wrote: »

All a bit Dawson's Creek for me.

:D:D

To Velvet Vocals: No I can't get over myself and accept that in this day and age ... what you said up there... No..I can't. Cue 1950's music and me in an apron baking muffins.

Loomis

Thaedydal wrote: »

I don't find it odd that you share a bed with your friend who happens to be male.
I would not have a problem with someone I was in a relationship sharing a bed for sleeping only with a friend who was male or female.

But your bf does so you either have to
tell him you are not changing how you live your life and if he can't trust you and deal with it break up with him
or find a way to compromise like getting an airbed and a sleeping bag for when you stay over in your friends.

And if that's the case then it speaks volumes really...
If not, then what are you doing? You said yourself you wouldn't like it if the shoe were on the other foot so why are you even here asking? You already know it's strange and unfair on your boyfriend
To be honest I don't believe you when you say it's completely platonic. You never actually said you weren't attracted to him, or him to you, you just said nothing has ever happened in the 10 years. The way I took your tone it came across as almost expectant and subtly looking for us to tell you if the guy likes you or not. I may be on my own here but that's how your post came across.

Velvet Vocals

Amanda wrote: »

Money Shot wrote: »

All a bit Dawson's Creek for me.

:D:D

To Velvet Vocals: No I can't get over myself and accept that in this day and age ... what you said up there... No..I can't. Cue 1950's music and me in an apron baking muffins.

I'm trying to think of some 1950's music but I'm at a loss, I do however have an image of the apron and the just baked muffins.... mmmmm muffins... off topic but now I'm starvin:D

Nevyn

Jigsaw wrote: »

Thaedydal,

I absolutely disagree with this. How can you say that you see nothing wrong with it? That is an astounding remark.

Because as far as I am concerned being physically intimate with someone does not automatically equate or turn into sexual intimacy.

Jigsaw wrote: »

Can you not see that the boyfriend finding out about this is going to be very damaging to trust?

Even if this has been beyond his personal experience he either trusts and believes her or he doesn't and if he doesn't then there not much point in a relationship between them.

Jigsaw wrote: »

Is it not fair to say that the vast majority of times a male and female get into bed together sex will follow or at least be on the agenda.

That depends on the circumstances.
Some adults have the idea that if they are at all phyically intimate with a person of the opposite gender outside of getting a massage ect that is must be sexual or would lead to sexual activities.
This may be the case for them ( if it is bless them only getting hugged or held by one person ) but it is not the case for everyone.

Jigsaw wrote: »

Fair enough, nothing may be happening but to be doing this is damaging to trust and out of respect to her boyfriend she should stop doing this.

You don't see how the bf is disrespecting her by not trusting her or believing her and demanding to change how she spends time with her friend ?

I already made a suggestion for a compromise but it maybe to late as the rot of suspicion may have already set in over them having differnt levels of comfort with physical intimacy.

Loomis

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

or... maybe he's just a nice guy who has a nice friend and who he likes being friends with so much that he wouldn't want to f*ck that up by doing anything so he's exercised self control for long enough that all of those thoughts just went away....

If you and other men out there don't open your selves up to this possibility you're going to seriously miss out on some great friendships!

I have friendships. I have a relationship. You act one way with a girlfriend and one way with a friend.
I would never sleep in the same bed as a male friend with arms wrapped round each other. I wouldn't do it with a female friend either. I wouldn't with a male friend because that would be incredibly strange be to frank. I wouldn't do it with a female because it's inappropriate. But what you're saying is I should be fine doing it with a female because we essentially " should all just get over ourselves" but more relevant because she's female. I doubt you'd encourage me to sleep cuddled up with a male friend (well you can if you want to look foolish) so why a female? I wouldn't with a male friend so don't see why it's ok to do it with a female.

Amanda

Thaedydal wrote: »

Because as far as I am concerned being physically intimate with someone does not automatically equate or turn into sexual intimacy.




Yes...but...like Susannamiah said earlier, is it not on some level being emotionally unfaithful because of a certain amount of intimacy involved ?...It's up to individual but I can't help myslef, I think it is.

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

Amanda wrote: »

I'm trying to think of some 1950's music but I'm at a loss, I do however have an image of the apron and the just baked muffins.... mmmmm muffins... off topic but now I'm starvin:D

I can't think of 50's music either so envisage Terry and June music instead Soz for makin ya hungry!!!

Velvet Vocals

Thaedydal wrote: »

I don't find it odd that you share a bed with your friend who happens to be male.
I would not have a problem with someone I was in a relationship sharing a bed for sleeping only with a friend who was male or female.

But your bf does so you either have to
tell him you are not changing how you live your life and if he can't trust you and deal with it break up with him
or find a way to compromise like getting an airbed and a sleeping bag for when you stay over in your friends.

Come on Thaed... you don't really find it odd do you? Seriously, think about it. If it was you and were sleeping over in your mates and you were on the same bed, where would be the harm in that?
If your partner did the same? would you really be up set?
I really think it's all about us as human beings, opening ourselves up to trust more. If someone is going to cheat, they'll do regardless of what the circumstances are. But you're a trusting person, they're less likely to coz where are they going to find someone as cool and understanding as you?
Slightly odd comparison.... but here goes....
If you repeatedly tell a child not to do something, over and over. Forbidden... they're so going to go out and do it at any chance they get. But if you explain why it would be bad or give options to that child in order for them to make their own decision 9 times out of 10 you're going to have nothing to worry about (ok, please don't analise that comparison too much... you know what I'm trying to say)
Trust!!!!

Velvet Vocals

Amanda wrote: »

Thaedydal wrote: »

Because as far as I am concerned being physically intimate with someone does not automatically equate or turn into sexual intimacy.




Yes...but...like Susannamiah said earlier, is it not on some level being emotionally unfaithful because of a certain amount of intimacy involved ?...It's up to individual but I can't help myslef, I think it is.

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

I can't think of 50's music either so envisage Terry and June music instead Soz for makin ya hungry!!!

but by that reasoning are you being emotionally unfaithful with your best friend?

TerrorFirmer

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

firstly let me say this...... FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe the replies you've been getting OP... this is a friend you've know for 10 years. It's platonic. Of course you shouldn't have to change the way you live you life just to pander to your BF's insecurities. And let me tell you this, if you do... that'll just be the start of it!
No way, you just have to tell him that if he trusts and respects you then he'll just have to accept that this is part of who you are. You are a girl that has a friend who just happens to be male. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL????!!!

And as for the rest of you, seriously, in this day and age, can't we all move on from what was once thought, men and women can't be "just friends" surely we've come to the stage now where we can all think of other benefits of being close with someone other then sex.
I mean I'm bi-sexual, does that mean I'm going to sleep with girlfriends if I stay over just because the I have the ability to be attracted to them?
Come on people, we need to get past this kinda c*ap!

With all due respect 'platonic' is just social conditioning with regards to friends. Fair enough, platonic does extend to certain aspects of our lives - family, etc. But having been friends for 10 years, would mean they know each other since their late teens, so that particular comparison isn't really valid. There's a primal aspect to us all. What happens when you're roaring drunk and climb into bed with this guy? The 'Just friends' excuse, you can be sure, was proved entirely selective by this very type of scenario for a great deal of unfortunate couples. 10 years of good and equally innocent intentions can be negated by a few seconds and you would be hopelessly naive to think that 'We're just friends' equates to an impregnable barrier that guaranteed defies the fundamentals of human instinct. Oh, and by the way, 'trust' doesn't equate to this barrier I speak of either. People who cheat aren't all faceless, low life pricks. They're people like you and me that make mistakes, often despite the best intentions in the world and owing to other third party factors. Again, you would be equally naive to believe that cheating, as you have advocated, owes nothing to context.

I mean I'm bi-sexual, does that mean I'm going to sleep with girlfriends if I stay over just because the I have the ability to be attracted to them?

No, obviously, but it does mean there's a chance. Who cares if it's 1% or 10%, it's still a chance that arises from - and this is the fundamental part of the argument - an completely unnecessary arrangement. Sleeping with a friend of a different sex at 27 years of age is not an essential nor necessary part of a friendship. It fact it's downright disrespectful to a partner when you know they take issue with it. We're not talking about 'staying over', we're talking about sleeping in the same bed. Can you explain why you'd want to sleep in the same bed as your friend? Drawing a female to female comparison is not the same, as girls are different in that regard to men.

It's called common decency and, if you don't see it that way, at the very least willingness to compromise in a relationship.

Amanda

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

Amanda wrote: »

Thaedydal wrote: »

Because as far as I am concerned being physically intimate with someone does not automatically equate or turn into sexual intimacy.




Yes...but...like Susannamiah said earlier, is it not on some level being emotionally unfaithful because of a certain amount of intimacy involved ?...It's up to individual but I can't help myslef, I think it is.





but by that reasoning are you being emotionally unfaithful with your best friend?

Well...ok, point taken, but...well, we've all slept on the same bed as friends, siblings on an overnighter in hotels on the batter, etc etc, but in this instance the OP is saying it's a regular occurence with a friend of the oppositie sex, so, slaughter me for not being a more liberal gal with more open views, but, no, I couldn't sleep in the same bed as my best friend on a regular basis, but, unlike the OP, I never have, regularly, so, yes, it's alien to me, and I can't get my head around it. And to each his own, I guess that's why she asked for views on it ...

Nevyn

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

Come on Thaed... you don't really find it odd do you? Seriously, think about it. If it was you and were sleeping over in your mates and you were on the same bed, where would be the harm in that?

I do not find it odd that she has slept in the same bed as her friend who happens to be male.

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

If your partner did the same? would you really be up set?

If they were in a platonic friendship with that person and I trusted them and they were just sleeping I would not have a problem or be upset.


Yes it is about trust and I do not like the idea being bandied about that blokes can not behave and not jump the bones of a woman who is sharing the same bed as them.

Velvet Vocals

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

With all due respect 'platonic' is just social conditioning with regards to friends. Fair enough, platonic does extend to certain aspects of our lives - family, etc. But having been friends for 10 years, would mean they know each other since their late teens, so that particular comparison isn't really valid.

I don't accept that at all. I understand that the plato came up with the concept of platonic friendships and as such it was introduced to our social structure and I also understand that as human beings we do have primal instincts. But I think the way our society as progressed we surely are able to move beyond the cave and realise that there's more to live then sexual urges.

thats all I have time to reply to now as I have to leg it from work....
but good points terrorfirmer.... I'll reply when I more time.

Peace. x

Velvet Vocals

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is about trust and I do not like the idea being bandied about that blokes can not behave and not jump the bones of a woman who is sharing the same bed as them.

+1

as always Thead... Lovin your work!
x

Tigger

to those of you that think that its ok i'd like to point out that you are strong female types and probably exceptionally so
this means you will act differently to the norm and will do things that are moral but unusual
i applaude this
unfortunatly its not the op that the boyfriend dosen't trust its the steve
fellas are constantly in competion they are constantly looking to see their position and even tho steve dosen't mean it his brain is understood better by any fella than any female professional brain expert could dream
its the way we're programmed
i used to cuddle my female friends to sleep curled up with them in beds and carry them round on my shoulders etc it was harmless and simply an excellent friendship/family feeling/bond, but i wouldn't sleep cuddled up to my male friends there is a way fellas behave towards 'girls that is and can be father or big brother like i never had a little sister but i imagine thats what it would be like

but when i'm in a realationship i don't do this i know my partner wouldn't mind so its about how others think i believe

Overheal

velvet do you often find yourself bunking with your same sex friends? honest question. there is a level of intimacy going on here that some S.O.'s would not be comfortable with.

This is just one of those marmite issues personally i hate it and couldnt be with a girl that thought it was ok.

Abi

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Tis a bit weird for 2 27 yr old mates to regularly share a bed IMO

Not at all its not. Its all a bit Dawson and Joey tbh, but now they both have boyfs and gfs they might need to knock it on the head out of respect for them. Its not an unreasonable request, nobody is saying they cannot be friends anymore - but the story has changed, and they need to accommodate.

gogglebok

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

firstly let me say this...... FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe the replies you've been getting OP... this is a friend you've know for 10 years. It's platonic. Of course you shouldn't have to change the way you live you life just to pander to your BF's insecurities.

"Pander to your boyfriend's insecurities" is harsh, isn't it? How about "accommodate his human frailties"? Isn't in part of the essence of a relationship that you change the way you live your life for the sake of your partner?

It is far from outlandish to dislike his girlfriend sleeping in another guy's bed.

Amanda

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is about trust and I do not like the idea being bandied about that blokes can not behave and not jump the bones of a woman who is sharing the same bed as them.

And that is a nice concept ...but I don't think it's about trusting whether or not they'll have sex. Being in a relationship with someone lends itself to a certain amount of exclusivity by default in most peoples brains, there is a territorial element to it with most people. It's where all the die hard romantic poems, lovesongs ("Only you", and all the rest..) and romance itself comes from. It's a code of behavior that is practised instinctivley by choice and not a pattern of behaviour that anyone should be forced into or given ultimatums on, it is just a simple yet beautiful (in my opinion, I am a die hard old fashioned romantic though) understanding of trust between two people that says "I only want you, only want to hold your hand, only want to get into bed with you", etc) But if it clashes with your own individual ethics and behaviour in your life then it will make seeing someone who is more of the die hard, traditional frame of mind, (and some of you will scream "old fashioned conservative fuddy duddy" at me, I'm sure...:p) much more difficult and fraught with arguements. The issue is not to force anyone to stop doing something second nature to them, the issue is to question what's appropriate when in an exclusive relationship, and what's appropriate when not. It's not a "one situation fits all" life and a lot of it is about instinct, empathy and mutual understanding and respect of your partner, I think.
You have to look at certain things you do when you're single when you become involved because you do, in my opinion, owe that person a certain amount of consideration, and part of that consideration, for me anyway, would be not getting into bed with anyone except that one special person. Yes, even if it was a best friend. And before anyone who is of the view that the OP's situation is ok starts accusing me of saying they're not romantic....don't scream at me...I'm not!! So dont' shoot!

Loomis

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is about trust and I do not like the idea being bandied about that blokes can not behave and not jump the bones of a woman who is sharing the same bed as them.

Not all guys are like that. Girls do it too.

Chuchu

Hi OP...
I'll be short and sweet: I hate to break it to you... but either he fancies you or you fancy him and are in denial... I had a friend just like that years ago, were friends for years went to gigs together, stayed up drinking together... he was a decent guy who I, much later, discovered wanted something more. I had no clue at the time but I'm older and wiser now and realise that he could have easily read more in to what I thought was just a friendship.

Nevyn

Again it is down to where a person draws thier lines of intimacy.
For some it is only having phyical inimacy or emotional intimacy with that one person.
For other is is only having certain physical intimacy and emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy with that one person.

There are things which I will only allow my intimate friends to do, like brushing my hair.
There are a range of thing I will not permit my intimate friends to do or share as for me those things are only ever between myself and my lover.

RealEstateKing

just sleep on the couch?

Why do you have to sleep in the bed with him?

I could understand it happening at a crazy party or something where there's nowhere to sleep and it's the only option.

But Im not surprised your boyfriend is a little icky about it.

Imagine he had a female friend and was sleeping in the same bed with her. Woudlnt it bother you?

Jigsaw

Thaedydal wrote: »

Because as far as I am concerned being physically intimate with someone does not automatically equate or turn into sexual intimacy.




Even if this has been beyond his personal experience he either trusts and believes her or he doesn't and if he doesn't then there not much point in a relationship between them.




That depends on the circumstances.
Some adults have the idea that if they are at all phyically intimate with a person of the opposite gender outside of getting a massage ect that is must be sexual or would lead to sexual activities.
This may be the case for them ( if it is bless them only getting hugged or held by one person ) but it is not the case for everyone.




You don't see how the bf is disrespecting her by not trusting her or believing her and demanding to change how she spends time with her friend ?

I already made a suggestion for a compromise but it maybe to late as the rot of suspicion may have already set in over them having differnt levels of comfort with physical intimacy.

Well you are absolutely entitled to your opinion. I can see the points you are making but they are too clinical and hypothetical. Once you introduce emotion into the equation, which will inherently exist in human relationships, then I cannot see how anyone could really fault the OP's boyfriend. I would consider you point of view to be a very unusual one indeed.

Call Me Jimmy

The bottom line is he is a guy, you can be absolutely guaranteed that he has thought it about. I would have a problem with it because wtf, how many people sleep in the same bed as their friends (guy or girl) on a regular basis? It's unnecessary and I think yer boyfriend is perfectly normal to be anxious about it.

Think about it, the way yer boyfriend sees it, you could just come home to bed like a normal person. So yer choosing this other guy's bed over his, ye know?

EDIT: Actually I think it's pretty damn disrespectful too, and I just read you're 20 ****in 7!

seahorse

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

Sleeping with a friend of a different sex at 27 years of age is not an essential nor necessary part of a friendship. It fact it's downright disrespectful to a partner when you know they take issue with it.

I fully agree with this.

Also, the OP said that: “Conor discovered that I'd stayed with Steve a few times since we've been together”. Well, from the way I’m reading this the OP had slept in her friends bed a number of times before her partner got to hear about it. That would suggest to me (and excuse me if I’m wrong) that she knew he’d be pissed so decided to keep her mouth shut about it but keep on sleeping with the friend anyway. If so, that was an exercise in prioritising – wrongly.

Money Shot

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

or... maybe he's just a nice guy who has a nice friend and who he likes being friends with so much that he wouldn't want to f*ck that up by doing anything so he's exercised self control for long enough that all of those thoughts just went away....

If you and other men out there don't open your selves up to this possibility you're going to seriously miss out on some great friendships!

I do have some great friendships with women, but being a man, sleeping in the same bed as some of them would really confuse these friendships.

I wouldn't put myself in that position with any girl, unless we were attached. The bf isn't being unreasonable here - he knows what other men are like, and he's right to be peed off.

I think some women like the idea of having such a platonic relationship with a man for some reason. Not possible i'm afraid unless they are gay.

TBH, I would still be peed off if my girlfriend was sleeping in the same bed as her male friend, even if he was gay. It's just the way men's minds work - we will never know how a woman thinks, and women will never full understand what a man thinks. That's what makes life interesting.

Nevyn

It depends on what you consider platonic.

I can be very much attracted to a friend and still share a bed with them and not shag them. the reasons for not shagging them or being intimate in that way are for a whole range of reasons. Can I be atrracted to someone and just be there friend ? you bet.

AARRRGH

You have been friends with Steve longer than you have known Connor. I think Connor is being unreasonably jealous by freaking out over your friendship with Steve. However a small amount of discomfort is probably normal.

To keep the peace it's probably easier to stop sleeping over with Steve, but I suspect that will damage your friendship or maybe turn things sexual as it will force both of you to think of your male/female relationship and what it really means.

Personally I would explain the situation to Steve and stop sleeping over with him.