Pressured to get married.

LegacyUser

Been going out with the G/f for 5 years, really love her. I not perfect by any means but I do put a lot of effort into our relationship. We're both 27.

The last year or so she has been mentioning getting married say in the next 2 years. I have no desire to get married before i'm 30. None whatsoever. We have a house together. Sometimes she gets very upset when I tell her it'll be quite a while before we get married. She has then told me if I dont marry her she'll find someone who will.

I feel like that if I dont propose in the next year or 2 she will leave. But I really dont want to. I dont see myself being with any one else but I just dont want to get married in the next 3 or 4 years. I've told her this but she says if I loved her I'd want to marry her.

Any advice?

Kelly O'Malley

Explain to her WHY you don't want marriage yet.I trust you've told her how much you love her?

As you really love her,why not get engaged and have a looong engagement?

At her age she'll be getting some pressure to be married, a sparkler on her finger will relieve some of that.And the more you spend on the ring the less insecure she'll feel!

christeb

I think you've answered your own question, tbh. If you are not ready for marraige, you should certainly not be pressurised into such a situation.

If the relationship is meant to last, there would be no rush into marraige or pressure from either side. That's my 2 cents anyway

Best of Luck

NextSteps

If you're 27, and she wants to have children after you marry in five years' time (rather than before, and I don't know if that's a consideration), you'll be 33. She might consider this leaving it a bit late.

Do you think that this is what's going through her head? Because she has a point, you know.

Dizzyblonde

You're with her 5 years, have a house together but don't want to get married yet - the question is 'Why'? In my opinion you need to really think about this.

I think your girlfriend has a point.

Puffin

I am also interested in why you were willing to invest in a house with her, yet don't want to marry her.

kizzyr

Talk to her and explain where you're coming from. Tell her than when you get married it will be better for both of you and your marriage, that it is something you are both willing to do and came to naturally.
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years this July and we've lived together for almost 5 o those 9 years. A lot of our friends have gotten / are getting married and we've both spoken about when / if we see that happening for us. Marriage is something that we've both begun to think of as something we want for ourselves, the public commitment (barely though as the idea of a big wedding brings me out in a rash), the security should something happen to either one of us, etc. This feels right because its happened organically, I would never feel 100% right about getting married if either one of us felt forced into it no matter how much we loved each other.

LegacyUser

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

You're with her 5 years, have a house together but don't want to get married yet - the question is 'Why'? In my opinion you need to really think about this.

I think your girlfriend has a point.

Puffin wrote: »

I am also interested in why you were willing to invest in a house with her, yet don't want to marry her.

There's no real reason, I just dont see the point. We have a house thats a big commitement. We'll probably move again in the next couple of years to a nicer area so that when we start a family our kids can play in safety. I want to get married I just dont want to get married yet.

Susannahmia

weddingwoes wrote: »

Been going out with the G/f for 5 years, really love her. I not perfect by any means but I do put a lot of effort into our relationship. We're both 27.

The last year or so she has been mentioning getting married say in the next 2 years. I have no desire to get married before i'm 30. None whatsoever. We have a house together. Sometimes she gets very upset when I tell her it'll be quite a while before we get married. She has then told me if I dont marry her she'll find someone who will.

I feel like that if I dont propose in the next year or 2 she will leave. But I really dont want to. I dont see myself being with any one else but I just dont want to get married in the next 3 or 4 years. I've told her this but she says if I loved her I'd want to marry her.

Any advice?

I can see where she is coming from, if you plan to be with her the rest of your life and already live and own a house with her why is marriage such a big change or step? I think you need to ask yourself why the idea scares you so much. Her time is running short and if you feck off and decide you dont want a relationship a few years down the line she will be older and find it more difficult to find a mew mate and go through the whole process again. Also she may want to have kids, the sooner a child is born the easier it is for the mother and the more likely the children will be healthy.

Beruthiel

weddingwoes wrote: »

There's no real reason, I just dont see the point. We have a house thats a big commitement. We'll probably move again in the next couple of years to a nicer area so that when we start a family our kids can play in safety. I want to get married I just dont want to get married yet.

You say a lot, but I'm still not seeing an 'actual' reason that she would be expected to understand.

Have you sat down with her and asked her the reasons she wishes to get married?
Have you explained to her your reasons, other than 'I don't want to yet' I mean?

Susannahmia

weddingwoes wrote: »

There's no real reason, I just dont see the point. We have a house thats a big commitement. We'll probably move again in the next couple of years to a nicer area so that when we start a family our kids can play in safety. I want to get married I just dont want to get married yet.

If there really was no reason you would be able to just do it for her because It wouldn't really effect you that much.

seamus

weddingwoes wrote: »

There's no real reason, I just dont see the point. We have a house thats a big commitement. We'll probably move again in the next couple of years to a nicer area so that when we start a family our kids can play in safety. I want to get married I just dont want to get married yet.

OK. You're not looking at the "five-year plan". Probably because you don't have one. Guess what? She does.

You want a family, she wants a family. Before ye can have a family, she wants to get married. She also wants to have her first child, probably before she's thirty, or perhaps just "close to thirty". So if you propose to her now, it's be 18-24 months before the wedding takes place. By that time, you'll be 29 or close to it. Couples take between 6 and 12 months on average to conceive their first child. So assuming that you give yourselves a bit of settling time after getting married, you'll be at least 31 before the first nipper pops out. Then she wants to leave a gap of 3 or maybe 4 years between nippers. So if she wants to have 2 or even 3 nippers while she's still relatively young, she wants to get the ball rolling on the whole process now.

So to go back to my original point - you want a family in the next few years and you don't want to be married before you're 30. In order to get a family, you'll need to be married (probably, unless ye have talked about it otherwise). By the time you actually do get married (assuming that you propose today), you'll be nearly 30 anyway, so what would you be missing? If you wait till after you're thirty, do you really want to be nearly 40 by the time your son is old enough to play football or GAA with out on the green or go on a fishing trip with?

I always knew I wanted to get married, but I hadn't put any particular thought into actual timeframes. It was only when she painted her five year plan out for me (which was in fairness, very flexible), that I realised that just having things happen as they come doesn't really cut it, unless you're that spontaneous. Getting married doesn't happen overnight, neither does having children. And while the latter is something you can leave to fate, you're racing against the clock to certain extent - she'll probably be able to conceive children well into her forties, but how old do you want to be, still looking after and supporting your kids?

Just think about it a little more. It's one of the few areas where I've noticed that while women seem to be just off the wall about it, if you examine their motives, they're shockingly logical about it.

Beruthiel

Nail on the head there seamus.

MIN2511

weddingwoes wrote: »

There's no real reason, I just dont see the point. We have a house thats a big commitement. We'll probably move again in the next couple of years to a nicer area so that when we start a family our kids can play in safety. I want to get married I just dont want to get married yet.

Right.... it's simple, you are not ready to get married and she is...
Let her go, break up with her and then allow her find someone who would marry her. It’s selfish of you, saying you love her and asking her to wait for you. In my dictionary there is no right or wrong time to get married; if you love her you would marry her. Ye have been dating for 5yrs if you don’t want to marry her now then you don’t want to marry her at all, so spare her the excuses and let her go.


Sorry for the bluntness, but if I dated a guy for 5yrs and he tells me he wants to wait until he is 30 to marry me after dating for 5yrs I would see that as a cue to end things.

Glowing

Have you spoken about having a family? It's very likely she'd like to get married before having kids, and she's not alone in not wanting to leave it too long. Most women don't want to leave it until much later than 30 ...

Femelade

I would probably be thinking along the same lines as your girlfriend. i would love to get married before i am 30 (28 now) as i was to have a family and i wouldnt like to be 35+ and still having my family. My boyfriend is 33 later this year, so i want him to be young enough to be able to enjoy his kids, kick around a ball etc..
you and your girlfriend should have a sit down and discuss why she wants to get married and why you dont..

Nevyn

seamus wrote: »

And while the latter is something you can leave to fate, you're racing against the clock to certain extent - she'll probably be able to conceive children well into her forties, but how old do you want to be, still looking after and supporting your kids?

But there are risks

Female fertility after 30

Women's fertility peaks around the age of 23-24, and often declines after 30. With a rise in women postponing pregnancy,[2] this can create an infertility problem. Of women trying to get pregnant, without using fertility drugs or in vitro fertilization:

* At age 30, 75% will get pregnant within one year, and 91% within four years.
* At age 35, 66% will get pregnant within one year, and 84% within four years.
* At age 40, 44% will get pregnant within one year, and 64% within four years.[3]

The above figures are for pregnancies ending in a live birth and take into account the increasing rates of miscarriage in the ageing population. According to the March of Dimes, "about 9 percent of recognised pregnancies for women aged 20 to 24 ended in miscarriage. The risk rose to about 20 percent at age 35 to 39, and more than 50 percent by age 42".[4]

Birth defects, especially those involving chromosome number and arrangement, also increase with the age of the mother. According to the March of Dimes, "At age 25, a woman has about a 1-in-1,250 chance of having a baby with Down syndrome; at age 30, a 1-in-1,000 chance; at age 35, a 1-in-400 chance; at age 40, a 1-in-100 chance; and at 45, a 1-in-30 chance."[5]

The use of fertility drugs and/or in vitro fertilization can increase the chances of becoming pregnant at a later age. Successful pregnancies facilitated by fertility treatment have been documented in women as old as 67.[6]

Doctors recommend that women over 30 who have been unsuccessful in trying to conceive for more than 6 months undergo some kind of fertility testing.[7]

seamus wrote: »

Just think about it a little more. It's one of the few areas where I've noticed that while women seem to be just off the wall about it, if you examine their motives, they're shockingly logical about it.

Due to the ticking clock and how fertility declines it is something women do have to take in to consideration.

Oryx

As has been said here, your gf probably has real 'ticking clock' reasons why she wants to get married. You dont, apart from the vague notion that you 'dont want to'. I can see why she is feeling that as a rejection of sorts and has the belief you may not love her. If you really dont want to get married, its time to look inside yourself for the real reason why.

AngryBadger

If this has been going on for a while I'm assuming you have talked to your girlfriend about this? Or at least attempted to talk to her?

Sounds to me like you bought a house together, and she automatically took that as a sign that wedding bells were inevitable.

And to be honest, I can't really blame her. I mean why would you by a house with your long term partner if you didn't intend to marry them at some point?

I can accept that you may have felt this would happen eventually, but that for you it was at some far off point in the future. However, it clearly wasn't for your girlfriend.

I'm not saying either of you were in the wrong per se, but it does seem like there was a pretty significant miss-communication somewhere along the line.

To the point, I'd be very unimpressed with a long term girlfriend that I had bought a house with if she suddenly started telling me that if I wouldn't marry her she'd find someone who would.

Obviously you ened to talk this through, but from the sounds of it you've already done that, (or tried to do it), not I think you need to make it clear to your gf that you're in no way ready to even consider marraige in the next two years, and that if she's not prepared to accept that and make some kind of reasonable compromise then you'd best split the assets up now and go your seperate ways.

If she's like this about marraige, what's she going to be like when it comes to children or any number of other improtant decisions you're going to have to make with her?

vorbis

nail on head AngryBadger.

Saying "I'll find someone else" is the reaction you'd expect from a child. Getting married is a major decision. Why the guy should be pressurised into getting married, I have no idea. Your financial wellbeing will be irrevocably tied to her. Its nto romantic but if you earn significantly more than her then marriage is a lot more of a consideration for you than her.

Tbh, she should work with you a little on this. Instead of "I want to get married NOW!", split the age difference. Say get married at 29 and try for your first child around the same time. You're already living together, after the honeymoon, they're won't be that much need for "settling in".

Petrolium Hat

I've a few things to say on this. First to the OP if you don't want to get married don't get married. Talk with your partner and explain that it's not so much the commitment to them, more that you don't feel you're ready. It's easier said than done, but if she can't accept that then she can't accept you. It's in some ways like a male pressurising a female into sex before she's ready, I think either is unacceptable tbh. But if you thinks it's a possiblity then let her know you are planning for the possibility but that you want it to be be a huge suprise when it does happen.

The big thing is do not make any promises or any plans that you don't intend to fullfill. At worst tell your girlfriend, at the moment it feels to soon to you. You are prepared to discuss it but that pressurising someone into it isn't the way to go. Maybe set out a couple of goals like you'll talk about it again at the end of the year.

This talk that it takes 18-24 months to oragnise a wedding, eh I've been there done that. It takes at most 6 months(length of notice you have to give a church) for a traditional church wedding with bells and whistles, and 3 months for a state one. Or 10 mins in Vegas. I've been involved in weddings with 8 months, 36 months and 4 months and all were perfect, so I don't think ye need to stay engaged forever.

From your own point of view, you are giving up an awful lot of rights if you want to start a family before you're married.

Glowing

Petrolium Hat wrote: »

From your own point of view, you are giving up an awful lot of rights if you want to start a family before you're married.

Very good point. Although the OP hasn't mentioned children yet! (it's probably the reason for the girlfriends rush though)

Doh! Just saw that he had!

Overheal

.

Glowing

I guess the OP's girlfriend doesn't want to find herself in a position that she's childless and single at 30 - and wants to make sure they want the same things sooner rather than later.

seamus

Petrolium Hat wrote: »

This talk that it takes 18-24 months to oragnise a wedding, eh I've been there done that. It takes at most 6 months(length of notice you have to give a church) for a traditional church wedding with bells and whistles, and 3 months for a state one.

It really depends on what kind of wedding a person is having. It is of course worth noting that you now have to meet with a registrar to get your marriage licence, waiting lists for which are around 4 months.

If you have your heart set on having a decent shindig and having your pick of venues, you need to be booking it at least a year in advance. It all depends on what you're looking for in a wedding day I guess. The average time it takes however from a couple getting engaged to saying "I do" is between 1 and 2 years, so this is the rule of thumb.

Petrolium Hat

seamus wrote: »

It really depends on what kind of wedding a person is having. It is of course worth noting that you now have to meet with a registrar to get your marriage licence, waiting lists for which are around 4 months.

If you have your heart set on having a decent shindig and having your pick of venues, you need to be booking it at least a year in advance. It all depends on what you're looking for in a wedding day I guess. The average time it takes however from a couple getting engaged to saying "I do" is between 1 and 2 years, so this is the rule of thumb.

I'm getting married new years eve this year. We got engaged 3 months ago. We only finalised plans for everything last week. I contacted over a dozen hotels in central/north dublin. Not one was booked out. The same with the 2 churchs we looked at. There are 150 people going, and various forms of bells and whistles. We are doing our premarriage course in June. Organising bands will probably be your biggest difficulty with organising a wedding a short notice, it has been a nightmare for us but we have got one we are happy with. We are meeting the registriar in August and the reason we were told for that delay was because they leave more a third of the bookings open for people booking last minute.

If you're a tiny bit flexible then you can do a wedding on very short timescale and still have a big shindig.

I would agree that it's usually between a year and 2 years between engagement and wedding but it really doesn't have to be if you don't want it.

Hrududu

The thing that is shouting out at me is her comment that she will find someone who is willing to marry her. Which seems to me like she is more interested in getting married, and she doesnt care who it is. Wheras surely she should be more interested in continuing her relationship with her boyfriend.

Maggie Simpson

Hrududu wrote: »

The thing that is shouting out at me is her comment that she will find someone who is willing to marry her. Which seems to me like she is more interested in getting married, and she doesnt care who it is. Wheras surely she should be more interested in continuing her relationship with her boyfriend.

Very good point. Have known people who have done this and I don't think it's a great start to married life - marry me or else!! Marriage should happen when both people want it - not because one person is "over a barrel" regardless of why the other party wants to tie the knot.

AngryBadger

Overheal wrote: »

Okay so the missus has the old Biological Clock argument and I daresay its a good one...

A good argument for what exactly? If she's the same age as the OP then it's not as if she has to start having kids tomorrow. and do you not think it would be disastrous for the OP, his partner, AND any children they had if he married his gf just ebcause he felt he had to?

Overheal wrote: »

My question is 1) why not yet? Are you waiting for the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series? Its never gonna happen.

As someone said earlier, it's wrong to pressure a woman into sex, but somehow it's right to pressure a man into marraige? If the OP isn't ready, he isn't ready, you can't expect him to just flip a switch and be OK with amrraige. Equally so he may wake up tomorrow and think it's the right thing, WE can't dictate that.

Overheal wrote: »

and 2) Do you want a family or dont ya? Have you thought about kids? Raising a little boy? Naming him Jimmy two toes and playing catch? Ruffling his hair and sending him off to the school? Watching the little princess grow up and go to her debs and all that good stuff?

This is jsut empty rhetoric. If the OP gets married when he's sure he's ready for it, and he wants it, he can still rustle "little jimmys" hair, excpet then he won't be doing it in a bid to distract Jimmy from the trauma of an imminent seperation.

Overheal wrote: »

I would think at 27 sirrah you would have copped on that rarely anything in life goes according to plan and very often things happen far sooner than we hoped for. You'll never find that 'perfect' situation to start settling down in. Maybe you think your pay is inadequate or you dont have the time or something.
3) Is that house your Home or isnt it?

Sorry overheal but you're post just smacks of "Man up and get on with it", which is disastrous advice here.

Even if the OP is being juvenile/selfish/whatever about marraig, all that measn is he shouldn't be getting married because he's clearly not ready for it.
And that's not a crime.

Moreover, if he gets married now, and it's not really his choice, he'll resent his gf/wife and they'll have any number of problems down the line.

seamus

Hrududu wrote: »

The thing that is shouting out at me is her comment that she will find someone who is willing to marry her. Which seems to me like she is more interested in getting married, and she doesnt care who it is. Wheras surely she should be more interested in continuing her relationship with her boyfriend.

I very much doubt that she means it in an, "Anyone will do" way, rather that she means that if the relationship isn't moving onto the "next level", then she feels like the relationship is dead and it's time to move on, otherwise she's just wasting her time.

seahorse

MIN2511 wrote: »

Ye have been dating for 5yrs if you don’t want to marry her now then you don’t want to marry her at all, so spare her the excuses and let her go.

+ 1

People dont want not to get married for 'no reason'. There has got to be a reason, because there is a reason for every feeling on the face of the earth. That is what a feeling actually is: an internal response to something.

OP, if I were in your partner's shoes I would assume that your reluctance to get married was something you were having trouble identifying to the point that you couldnt even verbalise it. It would, however, be enough for me to know you had strongly negative feelings around the issue of marriage to decide the matter for me and induce me to leave.

I think you should be honest with your partner and just tell her that you strongly resist the idea of marrying her now, that you just dont want to. If you give the woman the bald facts like this she'll be in the position to make an informed choice, which is the least she deserves after five years.

Kooli

Exactly. I would imagine she is less concerned with issues of fertility, being childless at 35, and more concerned with three years passing, OP changing his mind and bailing out of the relationship and marrying someone else! We've all heard those stories of a bloke saying "I don't believe in marriage" or "I'm not ready for marriage" when what they actually mean is "I don't believe in marriage with YOU" or "I'm not ready to marry YOU." And that's not that they're doing that on purpose, or that's what they are thinking consciously, they just don't realise till they move on to their next girlfriend and then they realise, "Ah I see, THIS is what it's supposed to feel like, I can't WAIT to marry you."

I guess there's something that just doesn't ring true with the "I just don't want to right now" argument - both for her, and for some of us posting in reply. I wonder if you were truly honest with yourself would you be wondering if she is REALLY the one for you?

As for it being the same as a guy pressuring a girl into sex, I suppose it is in a way. But if the girl kept saying 'No I promise I do want to have sex with you one day, just not now', would he be blamed for wondering if she was really attracted to him? (presuming she wasn't a virgin and had no history of sexual abuse) Would he be blamed for expecting sex to be part of their relationship? I think not.

SarahSassy

weddingwoes wrote: »

There's no real reason, I just dont see the point. We have a house thats a big commitement. We'll probably move again in the next couple of years to a nicer area so that when we start a family our kids can play in safety. I want to get married I just dont want to get married yet.

The problem is that its not only about what you want.... I have seen numerous longterm healthy relationships break up because the guy is not ready to get married 'yet'. I am not saying anyone should get married if they are not ready but I know from experience that the girl can get sick of waiting and move on... She has already said this to you so its something thats in her mind... Im sure there is a compromise somewhere as long you are sure that you do want to marry her.

LegacyUser

Can understand how the op feels

For me I didn't like the idea of being the centre of attention for the day, the public speaking, the first dance (I've two left feet!), all the fuss, the huge expense........but just got my head around it in the end as it was what she wanted and her family wanted.

I felt alot of people were putting pressure on me to get married. If we went on holiday for example it was nearly expected that we would come back engaged...lots of small things like that

LegacyUser

OP just come to a comprimise with her and book yourselves a nice honeymoon to look forward to. Its just one day out after all. You're already living with her so what difference is it if you're married today or tomorrow

Toots

Kooli wrote: »

Exactly. I would imagine she is less concerned with issues of fertility, being childless at 35, and more concerned with three years passing, OP changing his mind and bailing out of the relationship and marrying someone else!

I would imagine this is a big concern for her alright. I'd feel the same if I was 27, with someone for 5 years, had bought a house with them and they were saying that there was no possibility of getting married in the next 3 years at least 'cos he just didn't want to'. That'd have me thinking there was either something wrong with me or else that he was having doubts about the relationship. Personaly I don't understand how people get so hung up about being married before they're thirty or else definitely not getting married until they're over 30. You both need to make a compromise, maybe get engaged now and get married in three years? If you're not prepared to compromise on your position, you need to explain that to her clearly and then she has to make a decision, much the same as if you are prepared to get engaged and that's not enough for her, you need to think things over too.

The big question you need to ask yourself is do you EVER want to get married to her?

LegacyUser

From a female to- not because he had to. Getting married is an quick and easy solution- but not that the right one. Dont be forced into doing something that you dont want to do. Do however, step back and tell her why you dont want to- for now anyway

echosound

Toots85 wrote: »

The big question you need to ask yourself is do you EVER want to get married to her?

+1.
OP- you shouldn't be pressurised into getting married, I've seen chaps going down that road and they end up resenting the entire planning and the day, although they tend to be fine afterwards when they realise it hasn't resulted in the universe exploding. But you don't want to be feeling resentful towards your GF for forcing you into marriage. You should want to get married, and enjoy your day too.

However - I can totally see where your GF is coming from - you have a house, she obviously sees you as having a future together, and wants to make the next step and cannot understand why you don't want to, if you supposedly feel the same about her as she does about you.


I can also totally get where she's coming from with "if you don't want to I'll find someone who will" - translation - she doesnt want to mooch along for a few years while you decide whether you want to bother staying with her or not, for you to turn round when she's in her 30s having hung on in the hopes of you coming round, and dumping her, leaving her in her 30s, alone, house divided up/sold off and solicitor's bills to pay, and having to start from scratch, but with a huge emphasis on speed if she wants to have kiddies - finding a new man she likes, dating, moving in together, getting married, etc - that can all take years and might not leave her with enough time to have the option of even having children.

TBH - if you want to marry someone, you will "know" - there won't be any doubts, it will seem like the natural progression, as you see the relationship lasting into the future. What Kooli said is spot on, and I'd follow it up with - think long and hard about whether she is the one for you - if she's not, let her go and get on with her life and stop dangling her on a thread.

It's not fair on her to keep putting her hopes and plans on the long finger and possibly scuppering them completely if you decide down the line that nah, you're not really bothered about her and end up ruining her hopes. Sit down and have a good think about this sooner rather than later, and figure out if it's that you don't want to get married, or that you don't want to get married TO HER.

If I were in your GF's shoes, I'd be seriously thinking about pulling the plug too, as to me it would seem like you don't feel as strongly about your relationship as she does. Above all else - talk to her about it and work out what your fears are, and what her fears are, and try to solve it - that's if you think your relationship is worth saving that is.

Sangre

my mothers friends are getting married after living together for 30 years with no kids. it was decided after the man had a heart attack that even though they were effectively a married couple in law she wasn't even his next of kin. She had no power over any medical decisions she had to make. She also wouldn't receive his interitance automatically but would have to pay inheritance tax on it.

marriage isn't just symoblic, it has a lot of powerful legal implications. if you have a kid outside marriage you basically are irrelavant in the eyes of the law.

these are things you should think about aside from the notion of the 'big day'.

Carrigart Exile

Susannahmia wrote: »

If there really was no reason you would be able to just do it for her because It wouldn't really effect you that much.

married with children is the financial abyss for most men should teh marraige go wrong.....I'll bet that's playing on his mind, everything he has worked for taken from him.

Carrigart Exile

SarahSassy wrote: »

The problem is that its not only about what you want.... I have seen numerous longterm healthy relationships break up because the guy is not ready to get married 'yet'. I am not saying anyone should get married if they are not ready but I know from experience that the girl can get sick of waiting and move on... She has already said this to you so its something thats in her mind... Im sure there is a compromise somewhere as long you are sure that you do want to marry her.

The alternative thought to that is why should he marry someone who is clearly putting 'being married' ahead of 'being with him'?

SarahSassy

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

The alternative thought to that is why should he marry someone who is clearly putting 'being married' ahead of 'being with him'?

I agree... I guess what I am saying is that he if he genuinely does want to marry her then he should bear in mind that a lot of women will only wait so long..

greenkittie

I know a guy who at 27 had been with his girlfriend 5 years, had a house together, she thought this is definatly leading to marriage. He was "not ready for marriage" yet. 2 years later they broke up, she was left having to start over at nearly 30, and lets face it for a woman its alot harder to find a man at 30 that it was at 22. A year later he married another girl. In this case it was clearly not that he wasn't ready for marriage, it just wasn't the right girl.

greenkittie

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

The alternative thought to that is why should he marry someone who is clearly putting 'being married' ahead of 'being with him'?

He is putting "not being married" ahead of being with her! He says he plans on spending the rest of his life with her and having kids etc. Really what exactly is the difference of putting himself out by doing it a couple of years early in order to make the love of his life feel more secure and loved?

Silverfish

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

The alternative thought to that is why should he marry someone who is clearly putting 'being married' ahead of 'being with him'?

I think she's putting 'being married to him' ahead of just 'being with him'.

AngryBadger

greenkittie wrote: »

I know a guy who at 27 had been with his girlfriend 5 years, had a house together, she thought this is definatly leading to marriage. He was "not ready for marriage" yet. 2 years later they broke up, she was left having to start over at nearly 30, and lets face it for a woman its alot harder to find a man at 30 that it was at 22. A year later he married another girl. In this case it was clearly not that he wasn't ready for marriage, it just wasn't the right girl.

Can I just point out here that it's at least conceivable women like this should have had some kind of sign their partner was never going to marry them and maybe bailed earlier?

Why is it automatically assumed that the male is somehow in the wrong just because getting married/having kids is an automatic priority for many women, and not so much for men? And what about the fact that if the OP (or indeed the persons referenced above) married their partner it would probably have been a disaster in the longer term.

Also, if marraig is that improtant to a woman, why would you get involved in buying property FIRST?

Nevyn

greenkittie wrote: »

In this case it was clearly not that he wasn't ready for marriage, it just wasn't the right girl.

I disagree, I have seen it with several blokes that they hit 30 to 35 and when they decide they are ready to settle down/start a family/get married they find
with in the year the right woman to fill what ever citrea they have and get married shortly after.

Nevyn

AngryBadger wrote: »

Also, if marraig is that improtant to a woman, why would you get involved in buying property FIRST?

That is the way things are done now, the traditional way. buy house, 1/2 years later get enguaged 1/2 years later get married and with 1/2 years be 'expecting'.

Smug married status with baby acquired with 4/6 years.

seamus

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

married with children is the financial abyss for most men should teh marraige go wrong.....I'll bet that's playing on his mind, everything he has worked for taken from him.

If he's thinking that, then he might as well end it now. If you're getting married thinking, "What if it doesn't work out?", then you shouldn't be getting married at all. Yes, marraiges do fail, but one would expect that both parties entering a marraige are 100% confident that it won't fail.

Besides, the old adage of the men getting bent over a barrel isn't as true as it used to be. Only in so far as paying for the kids and maintaining the mortgage on the house, but the man stands to gain half of the woman's assets too in a divorce. Nowadays many women have the same, if not more assets as the man.

Dizzyblonde

greenkittie wrote: »

I know a guy who at 27 had been with his girlfriend 5 years, had a house together, she thought this is definatly leading to marriage. He was "not ready for marriage" yet. 2 years later they broke up, she was left having to start over at nearly 30, and lets face it for a woman its alot harder to find a man at 30 that it was at 22. A year later he married another girl. In this case it was clearly not that he wasn't ready for marriage, it just wasn't the right girl.

This is very common and is the reason I think the OP's girlfriend has a point.
Often if a guy is noncommittal about setting a date it's because he doesn't want to marry the woman he's with.
I don't mean he should be rushed into marriage but it sounds as if he's just putting off even thinking about it.

LegacyUser

Guys thanks for all the posts.
Went for a pint with the dad yesterday evening to have a chat to him about this.

My dad and mam have always been happy I've only ever seen them fight once and that was because she wanted him to miss the 1999 champions league final!

The g/fs mam and dad also have a pretty happy relationship from what I can see.

I grew up in a not great area where there was the usual junkie skum/anti social behaviour.

So basically my dad in his amateur psyco analysis thinks the following:

1) I dont want to get married incase in fails.
-> I would have to agree with this, I dont want to be divorced!

2) I dont want a child incase he/she turns out as a bad egg
-> Again after thinking of this I think its spot on, what if I have a kid and he turns into a junkie or a scumbag??

They're the 2 main things. I do love my girlfriend though