How Young is Too Young?

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm going unreg'd for this one, because I don't want anyone I know thinking I'm a complete sap! Anyway - here's the story - I've been with my bf for about a year and a half, knew him for a while beforehand, we live together and are really happy together.

We've made concrete plans about our future - i.e. we've gotten jobs in the same place for when we finish college this year and have arranged our starting dates / accommodation / location etc to coincide with eachother. We haven't compromised either of our career paths to do this or anything crazy, but we have definitely planned we each other in mind (like picked the one that will enable us to be together if there are a few options) and discuss everything of that sort together. We have discussed buying property together when we start working etc.

We are both 22 and definitely think of this relationship as long-term. Recently though my bf has been talking about marriage quite a bit in conversation - I know him pretty well and it very much seems to me like he's canvassing for my opinion. I don't think he's just doing it to check if I'm committed as there is no doubt about that between us, we're both very secure in the relationship. I'm a bit nervous that at some point soon he will bring it up directly and am not sure what I think about it. Just wondering what people think about having these kinds of discussions at this age / at this stage in a relationship?

Obviously it very much depends on the individual circumstance - I don't expect comprehensive advice but just a general opinion. I know we probably sound quite young but are both pretty level-headed, cynical people so not prone to infatuation or getting carried away, but really are genuinely committed to each other and in love.

Kelly O'Malley

Marriage changes a relationship so don't be in too much of a hurry to go down that road.
You come across in your post as exactly what you claim to be - sensible and mature.
Get engaged by all means if you feel that strongly for each other but unless you're in a big hurry to have children wait until you're thirty or thereabouts to face the priest.

Mena

I'd say it's an individual decision based upon your own circumstances. We got married at 21 and 22, 13 years later we're happier than ever.

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

Marriage changes a relationship so don't be in too much of a hurry to go down that road.
You come across in your post as exactly what you claim to be - sensible and mature.
Get engaged by all means if you feel that strongly for each other but unless you're in a big hurry to have children wait until you're thirty or thereabouts to face the priest.

And no, I don't see how marriage changes a relationship. If you love someone and they love you, what's to change?

Kelly O'Malley

And no, I don't see how marriage changes a relationship. If you love someone and they love you, what's to change?[/quote]

Love is only the starter motor in a marriage.

Having gone straight into a young marriage Mena you wouldn't know.Congratulations on making a success of it! I hope you are saying the same thing 30/40 years down the line.:)

For every happy ending story like yours there are 20 that don't end up so well.:(

vincenzo1975

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

For every happy ending story like yours there are 20 that don't end up so well.:(

thats an unfair statement with nothing to back it up.

I agree with the other stuff though. marriage is up to the individuals, if there is any doubt about anything with either one, it should be left in the engagement stage till the time is right.

i would recommend waiting until you are both working and settled in jobs, and everything in your life is steady and plain sailing, before making the commitment. Love is simply the mortar that holds it all together, I do not think marriage changes you, I just think that people develop through their personal and joint experiences, and that can bring you together as a couple and push you apart over the years.

They say that over the course of every 7 years you completey change in personality, perspective and attitude (the seven year itch?) and this personal development can either grow you towards your partner or against them. That is why you need plenty of time before making the solid personal commitments.

the thing is, marriage becomes just as much about security and having someone there with you to rely on and trust when things (health, finance, family) might go badly as you age 30ish upwards, as it is about love and attraction.

The bottom line is, as far as timing is concerned, when you know, you know, its as simple as that.

Pythia

How long have you been living together?

I think there's no problems with being engaged. You can have as long an engagement as you want then and you can also back out if something changed.

I wouldn't buy property unless you are very sure you want to be together long term as it's very, very awkward to deal with the house when you break up.

If the idea of marriage puts a smile on your face when you think about it then go for the engagement.

Phototoxin

Get engaged by all means if you feel that strongly for each other but unless you're in a big hurry to have children wait until you're thirty or thereabouts to face the priest.

Why ? Why wait till thrirty? Just because 'everyone else' does it is a stupid idea. If in a couple of years you are in love then get married. It's that simple really.

niavie

If it feels right for now for you, then I say go for it! You only live once and you don't want to live the rest of your life thinking what if? Don't put things off because of how others may percieve them, do what is right for you. After all, it is you in the relationship.

CathyMoran

My biggest regret was NOT marrying my husband when I was a lot younger - we eventually married after 9 years together but he wanted to get married after 1.5 years (though he proposed before that)...I think that you should go for it.

Sarn

What's the rush? You're still in the honeymoon period of your relationship. If you still feel the same in another two years I would say go for it.

As you are both young and in love waiting a while longer to tie the knot (with all the additional legal ramifications) should not make any difference to how you both feel and the commitment you have to each other.

AARRRGH

You're 22; most likely you've just recently left your family. There is no need to rush into another family. Spend some time getting to know yourself. You need to live your life without being trapped with a mortgage, kids or a partner who wants a settled life.

You don't think this now, but at 22 you don't really have a clue what you want in life. I'm 30 and it's only now I have a good idea of the direction I want my life to take. If I had of given in and married some of my ex's (!!) I would not have the options I have now.

It's OK to love someone and feel commited to them, but you don't need to rush into a legal bond like marriage, and honestly, you will not regret living your life a bit before settling down.

Amigomenor

22 is too young, 34 is too young. Live life, travel and enjoy. there are lots of people out there to have fun with, why settle for signing your card too soon.

rainbowtrout

existence wrote: »

We are both 22 and definitely think of this relationship as long-term. Recently though my bf has been talking about marriage quite a bit in conversation - I know him pretty well and it very much seems to me like he's canvassing for my opinion. I don't think he's just doing it to check if I'm committed as there is no doubt about that between us, we're both very secure in the relationship. I'm a bit nervous that at some point soon he will bring it up directly and am not sure what I think about it.

I think that line probably sums up your post OP. If you're not sure about marriage yet, well that's how you feel so there's no point rushing in. There's no right or wrong time to discuss marriage in a relationship, it's different for every couple. You can still stay committed to the relationship for another while without the need for a ring on your finger until you know what you want.

Also if you are only just finished college and are starting work in a new place and living with your boyfriend, it might be worth taking the time to adjust to the new lifestyle. I know I found moving away from home, away from friends, starting a job with a full working day and responsibilities a big change from college life which in comparison was fun and carefree. It might be worth get used to a new way of living before going down the marriage route.

i-digress

I'm twenty one and engaged, and getting married August 2009. I met my boyfriend in college and we're going out two years and three months. We're happy, don't plan on having kids for a good few years but want to be together. If it's what you want, deep down, don't let not being the same as everyone else be the only barrier. However, make sure you are definitely sure its what you want because for every road you take you give up some others. Different things happen for different people at different times, if its what you want, go for it.

Toots

If you would like to marry him then go for it, don't let age put you off. I don't necessarily think 22 is too young to be getting married, but it depends on the person. I'm your age and my OH and I have discussed marriage at length and plan get engaged this year at some stage. We've lived together for 3 years and have been going out for 5.

The only thing I'd say is live together for a while before you make any long-term decisions. Living together is a big step, and when the 'honeymoon' period wears off you can really start getting on each others nerves and that's a big test on your relationship.

If there's other factors that are making you unsure, then consider them carefully. Maybe you simply aren't ready to tie the knot? Whatever you decide, make sure it's what you really want, and if your OH does pop the question and you aren't sure, don't be afraid to tell him you need time to decide. At the end of the day, as awkward as it might be to not say 'yes' straight away, it'd be much worse if you said yes and then had a change of heart a few months later.

jdivision

Just from experience, of the four couples I know who got married in their early 20s, three are now divorced or in process of it. They're in their late 20s now. I would wait a good while before doing it because I've seen the stress it can cause and the difficulties it's created

Dudess

Yeah, you do seem like a very level-headed, mature person - and, I get the impression, not that bothered about the whole going out on the piss, partying, casual sex side of things that so many of your peers are into (not saying you're boring or anything, but I get the impression that "settling down" is something you feel would suit you at this age, and fair play - you seem to know what you want). Plus this talk of marriage clearly isn't a flighty, impulsive thing.

However, while it's possible you may have done all your maturing already, you may also change a lot between now and when you're, say, 32. I don't want to be cynical about your relationship - you may be together forever, it's not impossible - but you could also change as people and grow apart. Like I said, I'm not pointing that out to piss on your parade, but it is a reality that needs to be considered. 22 is very young to be pledging the rest of your life to one other person. Hold off for a few years. Remember, the concept of marriage as spending your life with the same person dates back to the 1600s when life expectancy was only the early 30s anyway.

At this stage, I would advise you to live for the moment where your relationship is concerned. You seem very happy right now - best wishes

Kelly O'Malley

Oh for heaven's sake.Nothing to back up my statement that the vast majority of young marriages don't make it?

Look around.

LaVidaLoca

Whats the advantage?

Wait till you're in your late-20's at least. If your love is truly meant to be, it'll wait till then.

Gone West

Tl;dr

16

Iago

existence wrote: »

We've made concrete plans about our future - i.e. we've gotten jobs in the same place for when we finish college this year and have arranged our starting dates / accommodation / location etc to coincide with eachother.

That's going to wear off pretty quickly.

When you wake up with someone, and travel to work with someone, and work all day with someone, and maybe go to lunch with someone, and travel home with someone, and spend your evenings with someone, you get sick of that somone very quickly.

Anyway in relation to your question, when I was 21/22 I knew it all, I knew exactly how I felt and what I wanted and that was never going to change. 5 years later I was a completely different person, I had different outlooks on life and priorities, and different ideals as to what was the right thing for me.

Nearly 10 years later and now I barely recognise the person I was at 21/22. I've been through two relationships where I lived with my partner and both lasted 3 years+, both ended because we simply changed as people. I'm married to a wonderful woman who I only met when I was 29, and when I look at what we have now, I can't believe what I and many others was almost willing to settle for.

You will change as a person over the next 5 years, if it's really meant to be then delaying for a few years won't change anything. Not to mention giving you an opportunity to save the money required for a wedding and get a few years of mortgage payments and job security behind you.

If it's really forever then what's the rush?

iguana

Plenty of people I know married young and are still happily married. My parents were 18 and 19, many of my aunts and uncles were in their early 20's, my best friend from primary school was 23, our other best friend was 26, another girl from our group was 25. At 27 I was one of the oldest people I know getting married.:eek:

My husband and I were 23 and 24 when we met and the thing is it wouldn't have mattered if we met at 17 and 18 or 43 and 44. We are the right people for each other, and if someone is right for you it doesn't matter what age you are. Only you and your partner know if marriage between you has a shot, your age doesn't come in to it.

Dudess

It's not so much your age though, more the fact that you change as you get older, which may (or may not) affect your relationship.

iguana

Dudess wrote: »

It's not so much your age though, more the fact that you change as you get older, which may (or may not) affect your relationship.

But that happens all through your life. My nana at 52 was a very different woman to who she is now at 77. So by that logic you are never old enough to get married. People can change all through their lives, the deal with marriage is to learn to change together.

No matter what age you are there are never any guarantees that a marriage will work, some research suggests that those who get married older find it harder to compromise. What matters is that you love each other, are both committed to trying to make it work and both feel ready. If you feel like that you have as good a shot as anyone, regardless of your age.

Dudess

iguana wrote: »

some research suggests that those who get married older find it harder to compromise.

Makes sense too - if you settle down older you're probably more used to your independence, more set in your ways etc.

It's just that, I suppose, a lot of people find themselves more into the idea of settling in their 30s - now that they've got the partying etc out of their system. But meh, it's down to the individual...

[Jackass]

Personally I don't think there is any need to rush things, but if it's right it's right no matter what age you are and you seem like an intelligent person, (if it's possible to tell from a few lines of text) so I wouldn't not do it just because you're worried about age etc., besides with the cost of marraige and the age that you are, I'd be surprised if you'd find a window of oppertunity to get married in the next few years with college, establishing career, making new friends etc., and these are all new unknown challanges that can test any relationship and would being engaged for a long LONG time somehow take away from the whole experience of "getting married" in the long run? Just a few points to think about, but if it was me and my girlfriend talked about it I simply say that it is something I've thought about and am sure will happen some day, but that will be a pretty amazing time and either way you'll be together in the future so why not save the whole experience for when you're both really ready for it in a practical sense as well as an emotional one (God I sound like such a boring old twat saying that!) ...... *goes off to re-evaluate life*

iguana

[Jackass] wrote: »

besides with the cost of marraige and the age that you are, I'd be surprised if you'd find a window of oppertunity to get married in the next few years with college, establishing career, making new friends etc.

Getting married costs less than €100. Some people have expensive weddings yes, but that is not necessary to have a marriage. We spent about £1500 on our wedding and got married over a bank holiday weekend with my husband back in work on the Tuesday.

Redpunto

Its up to you and as long as you are happy and comfortable,,,i met my fella when i was 20, engaged at 21, 1st child at 22, 2nd at 27. We're happy but we know we're going to be together till we die, we knew that when we first met. We have the same outlook on life, our family comes first, health, then careers last, so it really depends on what your priorities in life lie. Saying that we haven't gotten 'round to gettin married yet:D

00112984

iguana wrote: »

Getting married costs less than €100.

Actually, to get married in Ireland, you have to pay €150 to register- it's a legal obligation.

From www.groireland.ie

After 5th November 2007 any couple proposing to marry should begin the process by contacting their local Registration Office to make an appointment to meet the Registrar to give him/her their marriage notification [...] When attending the Registrar’s office in relation to the notification, the couple must also pay the notification fee of €150 and provide the Registrar with evidence of their name, address, age, marital status and nationality.

If you want to get married in a Catholic church, most priests will insist on the couple taking a pre-marital course which usually costs €125-150.

Nice to see the state encouraging people to get married.

iguana

00112984 wrote: »

Actually, to get married in Ireland, you have to pay €150 to register- it's a legal obligation.

My mistake, I was thinking of the fee in the London Borough I got married in.

Marz66

Dudess wrote: »

22 is very young to be pledging the rest of your life to one other person. Hold off for a few years. Remember, the concept of marriage as spending your life with the same person dates back to the 1600s when life expectancy was only the early 30s anyway.

This makes me SO mad. Marriage is nothing to do with money or being settled or being at the 'right time' or 'right age' in your life. If you have found the one you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, why the hell would you:

Hold off for a few years

However, while it's possible you may have done all your maturing already, you may also change a lot between now and when you're, say, 32. I don't want to be cynical about your relationship - you may be together forever, it's not impossible - but you could also change as people and grow apart.

I am of similar age to OP and can't wait to be married to my fiancé, we are committed to each other, yes there will be changes in our lives - during our late 20s and 30s as we change in and out of jobs and buy property together, as well as later on in life, watching our children grow up, retiring etc but this is no reason to be afraid, we will tackle these changes head on and stay true to our vows through good and bad. I cant wait to start married life with my fiancé and money or 'being settled' has nothing to do with it.

OP, if you want to get married or engaged, then imo

22 is NOT very young to be pledging the rest of your life to one other person.

It sounds from your post like you have a few doubts though so it is on this basis, I would advise you not to make any big decisions like getting engaged unless you are sure. It seems some posters were suggesting it would be ok to get engaged but leave marriage for another few years in case you decide to 'back out' - surely no one should get engaged unless they are sure that marriage is what they want. I also dont really understand why you would base your career and property buying decisions on your boyfriend without also considering marriage. That's just my tuppence and don't mean to sound hostile...

ronbyrne2005

Every young couple think they will be together forever and will be able to adapt and change but reality is a majority don't stay together and/or can't/won't change (divorces, seperations,unhappy marriages etc). Thing is the people in OP are barely out of college. People do change more during their 20's than during rest of their lives(research in psychology and neuroscience shows this) . I'd personally give it a couple of years till your even more certain.

Iago

Marz66 wrote: »

This makes me SO mad. Marriage is nothing to do with money or being settled or being at the 'right time' or 'right age' in your life.

Marriage is to do with all of these things.

If you have money saved or are at a certain point in your career it makes your married life easier, there's no significant financial pressures to put a strain on the relationship.

If you're a little older and you've travelled, or experienced the world around you and are a little more settled then you're less likely to chaff at being committed to one person, a mortgage, a career that you have to make work. If you're not married and don't have a mortgage you can afford to drop salary and change direction, it's very hard to do that in the other case.

If you get married at 25+ or even 30+ it's far more likely that you will be financially, emotionally and experienced enough in the world to be able to make that decision and see it through because it is the right person for you. At 20 everyone thinks their relationship is the greatest one the world has ever seen.

My sister met her husband when she was 17, they got married 4 years ago and are going through a seperation now, nearly 12 years after they first met. No bad feelings from either of them, and they still care deeply for each other, but they've changed as people as they moved through their twenties and in his case into his thirties. They have more experience now and are looking at the world through different eyes.

If they met for the first time now it's unlikely they would even date each other, and that's what could easily happen when you get married so young. You haven't had a chance to really develop your world view, regardless of what experience you've had. We all change and changing together is very challenging.

As I said earlier, if you're sure it's forever why rush into marriage? Why not get a stable financial base and career path first, and then have the big day out? If it's meant to be, then holding off on marraige for a couple of years won't make a difference.

Dudess

Heh, I'm even a different person to what I was six months ago.

Gareth37

existence wrote: »

Hey, I'm going unreg'd for this one, because I don't want anyone I know thinking I'm a complete sap! Anyway - here's the story - I've been with my bf for about a year and a half, knew him for a while beforehand, we live together and are really happy together.

We've made concrete plans about our future - i.e. we've gotten jobs in the same place for when we finish college this year and have arranged our starting dates / accommodation / location etc to coincide with eachother. We haven't compromised either of our career paths to do this or anything crazy, but we have definitely planned we each other in mind (like picked the one that will enable us to be together if there are a few options) and discuss everything of that sort together. We have discussed buying property together when we start working etc.

We are both 22 and definitely think of this relationship as long-term. Recently though my bf has been talking about marriage quite a bit in conversation - I know him pretty well and it very much seems to me like he's canvassing for my opinion. I don't think he's just doing it to check if I'm committed as there is no doubt about that between us, we're both very secure in the relationship. I'm a bit nervous that at some point soon he will bring it up directly and am not sure what I think about it. Just wondering what people think about having these kinds of discussions at this age / at this stage in a relationship?

Obviously it very much depends on the individual circumstance - I don't expect comprehensive advice but just a general opinion. I know we probably sound quite young but are both pretty level-headed, cynical people so not prone to infatuation or getting carried away, but really are genuinely committed to each other and in love.

too young imo. You need to cool things down.

DD

Mena wrote: »

I'd say it's an individual decision based upon your own circumstances. We got married at 21 and 22, 13 years later we're happier than ever.

There's no age for marriage, if the two persons involved feel the same.....
I know lot of people that got married young and nothing changed, they are the same like they were before. I know people that got married after living 8,10 years together and they are the same.
Just do it when you feel you are ready, only you know better when it is the right time.