Is my attitude towards my father justified? Would you do the same?

Susannahmia

I was going to post this anonymously but actually I dont care. My parents are still married but have been separated (not legally) all my life. My mother left him after ten months when she was eight months pregnant with me. My father has never supported me financially or made any effort to contact me even though we live in the same town.

Mam says he visited me until I was 15 months, then stopped, I get the impression he was just visiting to try get my mum back, not see me.

I can count on my hand the times I have met him, the first time I was three and we ran into each other accidentally. He bought me ten penny sweets but I was confused and told him that he was not my daddy, my daddy was at home. I was referring to my grandfather, I knew he wasn't my father but he was as good as and even at that age I knew it.

Next time I was thirteen, I stood behind him in mass and neither of us recognised the other. A month later my mum decided it was time I met my paternal grandmother and he turned up accidently. I shook his hand upon greeting but did not entertain a conversation with him, just politely and shortly answered his questions and left it at that. He got drunk later and said that my mother had probably told me lies to turn me against her, my mother never said anything, she just said that he changed when they married and that he was hurting himself by not seeing me. When I was very young she even told me an elaborate story about how he was scared of cars as an excuse why he never came to visit!

She always sent him my report cards and one fathers day when I was very young she got me to make him a card, I got nothing back.

He said that I could visit and he would tell his side. The impression that I got from him is that he is a very selfish self centered man with strange ideas.

I did not want to see him, why should I go to him if he wont go to me?

The next time I saw him was at my grandmothers funeral at 15, she was like a second mother to me so I was very upset. He was the last person I wanted to see. He said sorry for your troubles and tried to shake my hand, I ignored him and turned around to talk to my cousin.

Next time was at his mothers funeral, age 17 I shook his hand and said sorry for your trouble. He annoyed me that day because he introduced my mum to everyone as his wife. Huh! and he acted proud that I was going to university, like he had any imput in that!

That's the last time I saw him and plan never to bother again, even if he tries to get in contact. When he dies I will not go to the funeral. Is this harsh or justified. He never was there for me when I most needed him, why should I? He missed his chance.


I also plan on claiming a full inheritance. I feel I deserve something.


I just kind of wonder if I will regret not at least yelling at him for being such an ***! At the same time I think it might hurt him more to simply ignore him, I know that hurt me....

It is my 20th birthday today, for the 20th time I received not even a card.

Sorry for the long whiney rant, really need to vent right now!

monkeyfudge

Well to me respect is something that is earned. Being a blood relation doesn't give someone a license to be an ass and still be someone who should be important to you.

I'm not on speaking terms with over 50% of my immediate family due to actions of theirs which I would consider deplorable. The fact that they are family is irrelevant.

But certainly I don't think there is anything wrong with your attitude towards your father. I seen the exact same behavior from my nephews father, I've had to play an important part in raising the kid as the father took off soon after he was born. I think the guy is an ass, and I certainly wouldn't begrudge my nephew for not wanting to have anything to do with the guy later in life either.

Happy birthday, by the way.

LegacyUser

I have not been in your situation, but one of my very close (life-long) friends has been. All I'll say is that the scenario is probably not as black or white as it may seem. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to your mother, but she has only told you her story.

My particular friend only managed to put her feelings aside when her father was terminally ill. Turns out that her mother had been having an affair and he walked out. After much angst (read: over 6 months) she began to get to know him, and discovered that her her "father" was not sure of her paternity, while her mother always claimed it was him. It was a really messy situation, but she has not doubt in her mind that she would have been worse off had he died and she had never made the effort.

While your situation could be extremely different, your father might be extremely afraid of rejection- and hence is not able to approach outside of the context of a social event you both happen to be attending. Perhaps he is so afraid that you will burn him again that he'd rather live not knowing if you would as opposed to knowing you would.

While not necessarily giving him respect/forgiveness etc, you should give him the chance to by opening channels of communication. I'd suggest a letter as it gives him the oppurtunity to think through what he wants to say. If he is proud of you going to uni, he must have some sort of feelings for you. I had a very difficult relationships with my parents (not like yours) and have only begun to patch things up- it takes effort, but if I wasn't doing it now, I might never get the chance to.

SarahMc

I think you are justified in your feelings towards him. However, do not write off any future contact. You are young, and may feel differently some day.


It sounds very sad, did neither your dad or your mam go on to meet someone else and have other children?

KdjaCL

justified 100% he is not your father and never wanted to be....BUT

Susannahmia wrote: »

I also plan on claiming a full inheritance. I feel I deserve something.

Ehh pot kettle black here, you are clearly thinking he isnt your father yet lay claim to his estate as much as he does with your life and how great you are now in college etc:

You deserve a father but didnt get one.


kdjac

SarahMc

Well the OP is legally and morally entitled to a share of his estate if he dies intestate.

However, as she is no longer a minor he can leave his entire estate to a cat's home, and there is nothing she can do.

Abi

OP, firstly - Happy birthday. Outside of the troubles with your Dad, it sounds like your Mam did a great job bringing you up by herself. You sound like a well-rounded kind of girl, with an independant mind.

I do believe you are justified in the way you feel about him. And another point, I dont believe you brought up the inheritance out of greed. He never spent a penny on your up-bringing (to your knowledge) yet he stands in your company talking about his wife and daughter.

I completely understand your anger. You have two options here. Go with the "if its not broke, dont fix it" mantra - and never bother with him again. That would be justified, because he never put in the effort with you, therefore is entitled to none of your time. As I said, you and your Mam got this far without him, you will be fine.

The other option is going to him and ask him what he meant by saying your mother had a different take on things. Not because you are open to be swayed, but because you are entitled to know wtf he meant by it, and I suppose closure on the matter.

Im not so sure Id want to do the latter tbh. You mother could have been bitter and bad-mouthed him all of your life, but she didnt. He never bothered with you. The proof is in the pudding imo.

As I said, you seem like a strong young woman. Dont let him and his delusional behaviour get to you.



A.

Eviledna

I don't wanna sound like a broken record (I'm a bit of an advocat of talking, it's helped me so much), but have you ever thought of having a chat with someone about your feelings regarding him? You're in Uni, there is a free councelling service, it sounds to me like you have an awful lot of (justified) pent up anger towards him. Maybe a few chats with a councellor might help you develop your perspective on this situation. From personal experience I can add that sometimes you think that you are handling all that kind of thing very well and reasonably until the anger starts to seep into other things in your life. Bitter feelings can rise to the surface at the most unexpected times.

It's an option you have. You are a young woman in your prime, take every opportunity to improve your happiness.

Happy birthday:)

cowzerp

If you dont know his side to it all then maybe your out of line, and saying your claiming your inheritance stinks! it makes you sound petty.

if i was you i'd consider talking to him and then deciding wheter he's worth it or not! you might actually build some sort of relationship, as it stands you dont know if he had issues or problems etc..

Kelly O'Malley

Your father is not unusual, sadly there are a lot of men who abandon their children.
You are not unusual either for being right royally annoyed with him for it.
It is a relationship you're stuck with though.He is,has been and always will be your biological father.
What you do with that relationship is entirely up to you.
Be sure that you don't have any deep undercurrents of anger/resentment that will one day rise up and bite you (doesn't sound like it but it is a primal relationship so it's impossible for me to know how you feel deep down) and deal with him as you please.

Carrigart Exile

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

Your father is not unusual, sadly there are a lot of men who abandon their children.
You are not unusual either for being right royally annoyed with him for it.
It is a relationship you're stuck with though.He is,has been and always will be your biological father.
What you do with that relationship is entirely up to you.
Be sure that you don't have any deep undercurrents of anger/resentment that will one day rise up and bite you (doesn't sound like it but it is a primal relationship so it's impossible for me to know how you feel deep down) and deal with him as you please.

and sadly there are just as many women who make it near impossible for a father to see his child post seperation. OP, for your own peace of mind its probably worth having a sit down with the guy to hear his side of teh story, if you don't know it you may regret not hearing it in later life

Monkey61

You are perfectly entitled to never have anything to do with your father if that would make you happy - although I suspect the happiness would come from making a point as opposed to the actual not seeing him.

I refused to see or speak to my father for four years for numerous reasons until my Granny's funeral when I saw him and decided it wasn't worth the hassle anymore and now we actually get on alright. Not that he had any inheritance to leave, but if he had, there is no way during those four years that I would have taken a penny if he had died.

Wanting money from him completely undermines all of the wanting to have nothing to do with him.

It would be really good for you to talk to someone about this though, becasue carrying around all the unresolved bitterness and anger will not be good in the long run.

Good luck.

St Bill

Susannahmia wrote: »

Mam says he visited me until I was 15 months, then stopped, I get the impression he was just visiting to try get my mum back, not see me.

It's terrible for you that you have this impression. OP you can't be sure this is true until you actually talk to your father. It's so unfortunate that your parents broke up, unfortunate for both them and you. You're all still feeling the after effects of something that happened twenty years ago.
As other posters have said, this bad feeling you have today is going to keep rearing it's ugly head. You might find ways to squash down the feeling, but it'll manifest itself in other ways.
For your own peace of mind, talk to your father. You can't be sure what he's really like until you talk to him.
Good luck, and happy birthday....maybe this will be the day when things start to turn for you

Pherekydes

Your post brought tears to my eyes, and brought back old memories.

A lot of men have no interest in their own children. Some women, too. My own wife left me and our two sons and ran off with another man. They eventually had a kid of their own. In a strange twist of fate, I ended up living with his ex-wife, and taking on his two daughters and raising them as my own. We also added a small brood of our own. So at one stage, we had 8 kids living under the one roof. We never received a single cent from the other pair for the upkeep of their kids, but we weren't looking, either. When his eldest daughter turned 17, she had a kid and turned against me, and hasn't considered me her father since that day. Her sister still does, and has no contact whatsoever with her father. The elder sister has 4 kids now at 28, and is overdue number 5 already. She still hankers after her father but he generally treats her like dirt. She's happy to use anyone, including me, for anything she can get. Only last week, I was minding her 16 month old son while she was in hospital. For nothing. (I know, I'm a saint )

The important thing is to hold dear to those who love you; to stay constant to your real family and, I'm loathe to actually say this, to be very careful of your emotions around your father. He's an arch manipulator and he could get to you at an inopportune moment. Keep him at arms' length emotionally, but I wouldn't advocate being rude.

Happy Birthday and good luck in college.

daiixi

By not meeting with your father you're making huge assumptions that he wanted nothing to do with you when it seems that he's pretty proud of you and wants to get to know you. He may be selfish, self centred and have very strange ideas but surely it's up to you to meet him and then make an educated decision?

And I hate to break it to you but your mum is his wife and if you feel that he can't be proud of you then you don't deserve to claim any of his estate upon his death.

I personally think your attitude towards this stinks. But as people will tell you I'm pretty rude and abrupt like that. In fact if it were me I'd probably have been on his doorstep long before demanding a damn good excuse for his absence over the years.

Susannahmia

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

and sadly there are just as many women who make it near impossible for a father to see his child post seperation. OP, for your own peace of mind its probably worth having a sit down with the guy to hear his side of teh story, if you don't know it you may regret not hearing it in later life

I 100% trust my mother, I know she didn't do that. She never brought me to see him or begged him to come down but she never stopped him either, he just never tried. That time he got drunk when I was 13 he told my mother in front of me that since she left she should have brought me to him and that it was all her fault.

KdjaCL wrote: »

Ehh pot kettle black here, you are clearly thinking he isnt your father yet lay claim to his estate as much as he does with your life and how great you are now in college etc:

You deserve a father but didnt get one.


kdjac

Ehh he is still my father, just a horrible one through no fault of my own! I never reneged on the contract, it was his job to be there not mine, mine was done when I was born. Just because he is an ass doesn’t mean I should give up what I am entitled to as his only child.

The reason that I feel quite strongly about the inheritance is the principal of the whole thing, I couldn’t give a crap about the money. 1.The man never gave me a penny, and so far has shirked all fatherly responsibilities. Also I get the feeling that if I had been a boy he would have made an effort to see me. He is a real old school farmer and is all about the land and his fields and how the land stays in his family etc.

SarahMc wrote: »

It sounds very sad, did neither your dad or your mam go on to meet someone else and have other children?

No Mam has never been with anyone else since, she had a great social life before they married but moved back to her home town when they married. When she left him she moved in with my grandparents and stayed there as she worked long hours and I needed to be looked after. I asked her why she never found someone else and she said that after that she really couldn't be bothered with men. She never even asked him for a legal separation, I asked her why and she said that when they first split up he was always up at my grandparents and it was making granny and grandad very upset. I gather he was causing quite a scene. Asked her why she doesn't do it now and she said that she didn't want him up there fighting with her and causing trouble. Neither has he as far as I know.

St Bill wrote: »

It's terrible for you that you have this impression.

Thanks st bill, I asked my mam if he had held me at any of these visits, she said "oh well he really didn't know how to hold a baby.":rolleyes:

NANAME wrote: »

your father might be extremely afraid of rejection- and hence is not able to approach outside of the context of a social event you both happen to be attending. Perhaps he is so afraid that you will burn him again that he'd rather live not knowing if you would as opposed to knowing you would.

While not necessarily giving him respect/forgiveness etc, you should give him the chance to by opening channels of communication. I'd suggest a letter as it gives him the opportunity to think through what he wants to say.

It would drive me crazy if he didn't answer it though, and I think he wouldn't, I'm still burned about the fathers day card!:p

Yeah I have thought about and I feel you might be right to a certain extent, however I wouldn't have burned him age 1 to seven. What was his excuse then?

Monkey61 wrote: »

You are perfectly entitled to never have anything to do with your father if that would make you happy - although I suspect the happiness would come from making a point as opposed to the actual not seeing him.

Good luck.

Yeah at this stage I think that he doesn't deserve even that much and that the no contact would speak more to him than a confrontation. My mind changes every day though. Maybe I should speak to someone... Its not like I think of it all the time, just every now and then like a birthday etc I remember and feel angry and betrayed. Thanks for all the coments so far they were all really helpful in their own way.

gogglebok

Susannahmia, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and I think your only target here should be to find what is right for you.

But are you sure you've found that?

You mention being upset again that he didn't send you a birthday card. You also say that not having any contact might "speak to him more than a confrontation". It seems possible that you really do want contact, but you don't want to be the one to initiate it. You're trying to send him a message with silence, and obviously he's not reading it.

You're the one to look out for here. I'm not trying to make a case for your father, or justify his neglect. I just suspect you might regret it in the future if you lose the chance to talk to him now. And who knows what will happen? You may not become the dream family, but you might find something better than silence and hurt.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Susannahmia

gogglebok wrote: »

Susannahmia, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and I think your only target here should be to find what is right for you.

But are you sure you've found that?

You mention being upset again that he didn't send you a birthday card. You also say that not having any contact might "speak to him more than a confrontation". It seems possible that you really do want contact, but you don't want to be the one to initiate it. You're trying to send him a message with silence, and obviously he's not reading it.

You're the one to look out for here. I'm not trying to make a case for your father, or justify his neglect. I just suspect you might regret it in the future if you lose the chance to talk to him now. And who knows what will happen? You may not become the dream family, but you might find something better than silence and hurt.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

I'm 100% sure I do not want a relationship with the man, imo it is far too late for all that. I kind of want an explination though but I think I know what it is anyway and am afraid that I will regret seeing him and giving him that bit of my time that imo he does not deserve. I'm also afraid I might regret it but i'm more afraid of making him feel like I need him or forgive him.
I guess I like holding onto the anger, its safe.

metrovelvet

Like it or not you have a relationship with him, which has been defined by his absence.Unfortunatley, people die, but relationships with them don't go to the grave also.


You are entitled to his estate. You were entitled to a father but a child does not have the power to enforce that, but as an adult you can enforce and use what powers you do have - which comes down to innheritance.

I think you should forget about making this all about him, punishing him whatever, and do what YOU need to do for you.

Are you afraid of reliving the rejection by meeting him?

Susannahmia

metrovelvet wrote: »

.

Are you afraid of reliving the rejection by meeting him?

Yeah I'm afraid that it might make things worse for me.

metrovelvet

You know .. it might.. initially.... but then again it might not. It's far easier to be angry... no worse feeling than sad.

There are some really revealling theads on the adoption board including this one

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055240566

dealing with rejection and anger and the abandonment of a parent. Maybe some of those guys could help you???

LegacyUser

Susannahmia wrote: »

It would drive me crazy if he didn't answer it though, and I think he wouldn't, I'm still burned about the fathers day card!:p

Yeah I have thought about and I feel you might be right to a certain extent, however I wouldn't have burned him age 1 to seven. What was his excuse then?

One of you should try to overcome that fear, seeing as you are not in a position to do it for him, your only option is to do it yourself. While it was not right for him to have treated you the way he did when you were little.. people change. Perhaps he regrets his behavior, there is only one way to find out. The biggest problem here (that I can see) is that the two of you have never had any serious dialogue and thus you are completely in the dark about the way he feels about you. If you can build up the courage to contact him and he burns you, then you know for certain that he is an a**hole. If you write a letter, maybe give it somebody in common or some such as opposed to posting it.

Susannahmia

NANAME wrote: »

One of you should try to overcome that fear, seeing as you are not in a position to do it for him, your only option is to do it yourself. While it was not right for him to have treated you the way he did when you were little.. people change. Perhaps he regrets his behavior, there is only one way to find out. The biggest problem here (that I can see) is that the two of you have never had any serious dialogue and thus you are completely in the dark about the way he feels about you. If you can build up the courage to contact him and he burns you, then you know for certain that he is an a**hole. If you write a letter, maybe give it somebody in common or some such as opposed to posting it.

Yeah now that I have thought it through I am kind of leaning towards paying him a one off visit this summer to hear his side. I dont want a relationship at this stage just an explanation. Maybe then I can finally stop wondering.:rolleyes: It will definitely have to be face to face, I dont trust him to answer a letter and it is easier to lie that way. I might just turn up at the house with no warning, then he wont have time to think up excuses etc. I know by him that he wont turn me away, he will want to tell me his tale of woe. He did say to come down before, to quote him "to see where you should have grown up and hear my side". :rolleyes: I will probably just listen to what he has to say and then eat him, lol!:cool: I very much doubt he will say anything to surprise me. At least then I can put the whole thing to bed. Good plan or recipe for disaster do ye think?

I just hope that I am calm enough to say everything I want to say. I forgot about the last time I saw him actually. Must have been blocking it out. The very last time I was working in a newsagents that I did not regularly work in (my boss owned several in the town). He came in with my little cousins and bought them sweets and himself cigarettes, I got such a land when I saw him and I asked the other girl to serve him. She didn't understand the situation and was busy however so I had to. I was shocked at how strong an emotional and physical reaction I had, I started shaking all over like I was afraid and felt angrier than I had ever felt before. He tried to make conversation with me but I was so mad I only managed a couple of words. Went to give him his change of a fifty and he wouldn't take it back, so generous my da! :rolleyes: It took me ages to calm down after. I think that was the first time I realised how strongly the whole thing actually affected me, before that I would have said I didn't really give a toss.

Metrovelvet, after that incident I can really understand what they mean in that thread you referenced when they talk about a delayed reaction.

By the way thanks everyone for helping me sort my head out. Any other imput would be really great.

SarahMc

Well done Susan, for making the decision to visit him, to hear his side.

However, I wouldn't go into it so closed minded. Perhaps he is a total B*llox who abandoned you and your ma, perhaps he was wrong done by... perhaps the truth lies in the middle - who knows?

You are 20, old enough to understand the dynamics of adult relationships and personal weaknesses and foibles.

Abi

Susannahmia wrote: »

Yeah now that I have thought it through I am kind of leaning towards paying him a one off visit this summer to hear his side..... By the way thanks everyone for helping me sort my head out. Any other imput would be really great.

Have you told your Mam what you've decided to do? I would keep her posted. She knows what he is like, and if you let her know at least she can be aware and ready if you need her. Dont lose sight of the fact that she was with you all the way, she would know best how to handle this.


Whatever you do remain calm when you speak to him, and dont expect too much. Id also make it very clear from the start of the conversation that your mother has never used a bad word against him, as he previously claimed - and all you want is the truth. To me, he said that as a defence mechanism for being such a shitty father. That is pretty bad form.

Im not so sure he will come up with all the answers you want / need to hear though Susan, so grow a thick skin before arriving on the doorstep.

Ask yourself what you expect and hope to achieve from the visit before you go, and be honest with yourself about it too. That way you will have better control of the situation.

castie

One thing to seriously consider is, One day he will be gone.
It could be tomorrow, next week, next year or so on...

Then it will be too late to reach out.

My advice would be to make the first move and go for it.
If it doesnt work and you still feel the same afterwards, What have you lost?

If you do nothing and regret it later, there will be nothing that you can do about it. So while you have a choice, why not go for it?

Hope this helps

The Sweeper

Susannahmia, while you're putting on a very strong front of not wanting to know this man, it's pretty obvious that a lot of how you feel about yourself is defined by the fact that your father rejected you.

To me, you need closure on that fact.

Even if it means going to see him, hearing his side of the story, and then saying what you really want to say, which to me is basically this:

"You left me. I was a tiny baby and you left me. You didn't give a toss and you left me fatherless my whole life. You utter, utter bastard."

My husband never had a relationship with his father, and is considering getting in contact with him again now that we're on this side of the world. He says he doesn't want closure, he'd just like to meet up with him and say hi.

I'm very, very suspicious because the parent-child relationship reverses as you get older, and the children often end up taking care of aged parents. I am wary that the sort of person who is selfish enough to walk out on their child the way your father has, similarly to how my husband's father has - a sort of, 'I'm leaving, but I'll still tell people you're mine, and interfere occasionally in your life, and lay some sort of claim to you even though I left you' way - that sort of person is the sort of person who'll go to their only child when they're old, and infirm, and need a hand out, and go 'Look after your old dad, won't you?'

So be careful that you really do know what you're wishing for. Because in your secret heart of hearts, if you're hoping he'll say to you "I'm sorry, I should have been a better father to you, I love you, I should never have left you" - he either won't say it, or he will, and you'll have a good cry, and be reunited, and then in six months he'll roll on you all over again.

Susannahmia

Yeah you are right I am going to be very cautious about that. A few years ago he asked my mother who is a nurse to help him care for his sick mother.

As I said after that I am not interested in having anything to do with him, Far too late, and too much baggage for all that craic. As a very nice girl in a simular situation ( who I will write back to when I find enough spare time ) said to me via pm, It is very possible "to not want anything to do with someone but to feel rejected by them at the same time." I just need closure and to tell him what I think of him.

Abigayle wrote: »

Have you told your Mam what you've decided to do? I would keep her posted. She knows what he is like, and if you let her know at least she can be aware and ready if you need her. Dont lose sight of the fact that she was with you all the way, she would know best how to handle this.

Oh yeah dont worry I will ask her what she thinks before I do anything.

Beruthiel

Susannahmia

You have feelings and emotions with regards to this, you're finding it difficult to know wht to do with them. Of course you're angry, you deserved a Da, you didn't get one.

majd is correct, from your comments, you do indeed need closure.
Go talk to him but be careful and have your guard up. You may not find what you're looking for, but at least you'll have given it a go.

Some people here are saying you only have your mothers side of the story.
As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter a jot what she did or didn't say.
For me, actions speak louder than words, and if a parent wants to really see their child and be a part of their lives than they would move mountains to do so.

Your Da want's to tell 'his side of the story'.
I'm of the opinion that his side of the story is "I couldn't be arsed making the effort to get to know my daughter and give her the love she desperately needed"
I judge him totally on his actions and no excuse in the world could justify his absence in your life all these years.
Your mother has shown her boundless love for you in the way she has brought you up.

Drift

Hey Susannahmia, I have absolutely no experience in this area but one main thing kindof jumped out at me from your post. It's your fear of meeting him in case it changes your current lifestyle and who you are as a person. Meeting your father won't do this unless you let it. I think you're possibly subconsciously afraid of two seperate things:

1. That he'll reject you again.
2. That you'll like him. (This is much worse because you probably see it as betraying your mother.)

In reality neither will happen, especially in one visit, and even if either of them did happen you should have faith in your own maturity to deal with the situation. You seem happy to be the person you are - my advice would be to meet him at least once so you won't look back with regrets in the future.

As for the inheritance thing, each to their own but I think you'll end up doing yourself psychological damage in the long run fighting for the money and then living off the earnings of someone who didn't care about you enough to give you what you really wanted. It'd probably be better for your own peace of mind to leave it be.

madser

Good Luck Susanna

You come across as a very intelligent and together young woman, a credit to your mother;), I think you should meet your father for some answers for yourself but I would agree with the other posters when they say he should be judged by his actions.

Why did he never send you a card or explain himself in a letter, because imo he was happy to let someone else do all the work and then he has the gall to be proud of you:rolleyes:

You go and meet him if thats what you want but do it for yourself and dont accept any bull****.

As for inheritance if theres anything going you grab it with both hands and have a great life, after all why should he get away with not handing over a penny for 20 years:D

You go girl:D

metrovelvet

You should focus on YOUR side of the story and not his. He was supposed to do the reaching, not you, and when he says he wants to tell his it sounds like he's looking for redemption.

So when you meet your maker, be careful. He wasnt there for you as a child and he wont be there for you as an adult.

So easy to say "im proud of you." Where has this feeling manifested itself in the three dimensional world?

Tell him that this is how children spell love : T I M E

Auberon Waugh,writing of his father,Evelyn;"I'd gladly have swapped him for a toy whistle"

i-digress

cowzerp wrote: »

If you dont know his side to it all then maybe your out of line, and saying your claiming your inheritance stinks! it makes you sound petty.

It isn't petty. He should have supported her for the past twenty years, her mother did so why shouldn't he. She is entitled to it. The fact she has no emotional relationship is his fault not hers. It's her choice, and I for one don't think its petty.

MIN2511

Brief story; my dad has 11 kids (10 now, my brother died) and 10 kids are with 5 different women. He was married once and is now married to my mum; my mum’s kids are the youngest.
My dad has TRIED to contact his kids, and some of them refuse to speak to him. My dad’s daughter is a Director in one of the biggest multinationals and we think she’s his favourite but it breaks his heart that she won’t speak to him. I sent her an email last year and to this day she never replied me, I really don’t care about them but I know how he hurts that they don’t want to speak to him or get to know their siblings.
Have you approached your dad on this? He sounds bitter and confused; I don’t think he’s deliberately hurting you. He doesn’t know how to be a father, am not saying anyone does but some mothers are not maternal and some fathers are not paternal.
Two years ago, on my father’s daughter’s birthday he sent her a cake, flowers and a gift and they were all returned to him… Am not comparing your dad with mine but sometimes it goes both ways, can you reach out to him? Meet up with him for coffee and tell him how you feel


And on the inheritance; you never know… he might write a will and donate everything to the dogs/cats foundation….. don’t hold your breadth

Susannahmia

Thanks min, I feel for your dad, he sounds like he is at least making the effort.
But believe me, mine has never ever tried. Thanks metro, I just hope I can stay calm and wont clam up, I only plan on doing this once so I really want to get everything across in a way his selfish little brain can understand.

I digress and madser, that is exactly how I feel.

I might pay him a visit on fathers day, love a bit of irony.:)

Dizzyblonde

OP would you not write him a letter? Put it all down on paper and send it to him - then maybe meet him after he's read it, so he'll know exactly how you feel without interruption. You could discuss the letter if he's willing, and he could put his side of the story to you then.

Susannahmia

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

OP would you not write him a letter? Put it all down on paper and send it to him - then maybe meet him after he's read it, so he'll know exactly how you feel without interruption. You could discuss the letter if he's willing, and he could put his side of the story to you then.

I think If I wrote everything I felt down he wouldn't let me in for fear of a bollocking!:p I might write one and give it to him after talking maybe.

Dizzyblonde

Susannahmia wrote: »

I might write one and give it to him after talking maybe.

That's a good idea too, because it's hard to get everything out there in a conversation. You'll probably wish you'd got to say more but you can then put it in a letter. Good luck.

meditraitor

I think you should just get on with your life. It sounds like your mother done a good job bringing you up.
But she left him! and brought you up, so your probably to much like your mother to like this man or give him a chance to explain.

Move on, you have probably hurt him enough with your attitude to him already so no need for any more revenge.

Susannahmia

meditraitor wrote: »

I think you should just get on with your life. It sounds like your mother done a good job bringing you up.
But she left him! and brought you up, so your probably to much like your mother to like this man or give him a chance to explain.

Move on, you have probably hurt him enough with your attitude to him already so no need for any more revenge.

Yeah I hurt him, God I was such a horrible child:rolleyes:. It wasn't because I was young, confused, hurt and scared. What he did as the adult is completely OK, like he said, my mam should have brought me to him ,why should the poor man drive two whole miles to see an innocent child who wonders why her father doesn't want her. The first time I met him I should have leaped into his arms and consoled him for all that he must have went through.

meditraitor wrote: »

But she left him! .

And why should his relationship with my mother have anything to do with how he treats his child, who has nothing to do with any of it . These are two seperate relationships.


I dont want to hurt him I just want him to realise that he is an ass.

LegacyUser

Unless you actually speak with your father you'll never know why he's ignored you all his life and I think you'll spend the rest of your life wondering. Talking to him about this doesn't mean you have to forgive him or welcome him into your future. If it were me, I'd want to know his side of the story.

AngryBadger

I'm sure this has been covered already, but anyway.

I can appreciate why you feel the way you do, but it's clear, and completely understandable, that this is something that's bothering you.

From the way things sounds, you are justified in want your father to have no part in your life. He was never there for you as a child, and yet he wants to claim you as an adult. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be.

But the big issue here isn't really whether he has a right to claim you or you have a right ot his estate.

The real issue is how much you're hugrting over this.

I won't presume to know what's going on in your head, but you're clearly upset by all of this, as anyone would be, and I'd venture that part of the reason you want to deny your father is to hurt him the way he's hurt you.

I'd suggest at the very least talking to a councillor about your feelings, and maybe talking to your father, ro perhaps some other third party who might be able to give you another perspective on things.

I'm in no way defending you father, but I am saying that you need to address this to get some kind of clarity on your own feelings, and some kind of closure on the whol business.

I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

SarahMc wrote: »

Well the OP is legally and morally entitled to a share of his estate if he dies intestate.

However, as she is no longer a minor he can leave his entire estate to a cat's home, and there is nothing she can do.

Im no qualified solicitor here, and please correct me if I'm wrong because I have exams coming up!

I dont think age will have anything to do with it, I was under the impression that a child doesn't have a legal right share of the estate under section 117 of the succession act 1965 BUT was entitled to make an application, under that section, to the courts whether the father dies testate or intestate. The case for that was FM v TAM where a 32 year old made a successful application.

It boils down to a moral obligation to look after your children and so there are entitlements. Theres no such thing as completely free testementary disposition anymore where you can just write down on a piece of paper that everything is left to a charity.

So even if he does leave everything to the dogs and cats foundation, you could still be entitled to a share first, they'll get whats left over.

Just something to think about

Grimebox

You owe it to your self to find out why your father did what he did. I urge you to approach him and learn as much as you can about his life and who he is. It will be painful experience but you will feel so much better afterwards. Meet up with him a few times and go for a walk somewhere so you both talk for a couple hours. Keep an open mind and try and let go of the hate.

This will only continue you to eat you up for the rest of your life if you dont.

my 2c

Victor

WannabeeLawyer wrote: »

Im no qualified solicitor here, and please correct me if I'm wrong because I have exams coming up!

And thats why you should never rely on anonymous people on the internet. If you want legal advice, many solicitor are willing to give a first consultation for free.

Carrigart Exile

atwork wrote: »

Unless you actually speak with your father you'll never know why he's ignored you all his life and I think you'll spend the rest of your life wondering. Talking to him about this doesn't mean you have to forgive him or welcome him into your future. If it were me, I'd want to know his side of the story.

I can only offer insight from a friends perspective. His wife left him for another man taking his daughter with her. She decided she needed a fresh start and has put every block on him seeing his daughter; they actually moved once without telling him. My mate is 45, he looks 65, he's broken from this experience. He's sent (when he knew the address) cards and presents, either returned or no acknowldgement they were received. I'vetold him to keep every card he now writes for that knock at the door, keep every lawyers letter. His daughter must now be 20, he last saw her when she was 8, I hope the day she turns up at his door she lets him speak first.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

And thats why you should never rely on anonymous people on the internet. If you want legal advice, many solicitor are willing to give a first consultation for free.

That is a fair point that should be applied to everything you read, not only on the internet, but in fairness to my post. I did allude to the fact that I was studying law (granted it wasn't overly clear), and I did cite relevent statute and case law that showed that alot of what people said in this thread was wrong ie. that the the OP is not entitled to anything because as one poster said that she is not a minor and as other posters said that if the will is solely made out to the cats and dogs home then they will get everything (both of these points are wrong).

It is quite unrealistic to think that a person would not seek professional help when trying to apply for their share of an inheritence (even if they aren't specifically mentioned in the will) but it is possible that someone who has been told (wrongly) that they are not entitled to anything may not to even talk to a solicitor about the matter ever.

The Corinthian

Susannahmia wrote: »

And why should his relationship with my mother have anything to do with how he treats his child, who has nothing to do with any of it . These are two seperate relationships.

Unfortunately they're not for the first eighteen years. When one parent has custody and the other does not, this means that the latter is forced to have a relationship with the former if they want any contact with the child. Depending upon the personality of the custodial parent and their relationship with the non-custodial one, this can unfortunately be unworkable or even detrimental. Carrigart Exile gave one example, but there are plenty more.

I suggest you first get to know him and perhaps listen to his side of the story - after all, even if your mother never actually said anything, you have been exposed to only her side of what happened all these years. Just take it a step at a time and see if you can both move on.

As for inheritance - forget it. If the two of you work things out, you'll naturally get it without asking and if he does not want to recognise you then he's had a long time to circumvent any legal rights to inheritance you might have anyway.

Susannahmia

The Corinthian wrote: »

As for inheritance - forget it. If the two of you work things out, you'll naturally get it without asking and if he does not want to recognise you then he's had a long time to circumvent any legal rights to inheritance you might have anyway.

As I siad, this visit is not about "working things out" or inheritence for that matter. It is simply about closure. Out of interest, for wannabelawyer I was actually given some casual advice from a family lawyer before, according to him, as his heir I have the right to contest any will, the fact that he failed to provide for me during my childhood and that my parents are still married gives me a very very good case. I have never really checked it out but thats what I can gather. I will of course eventually get some proper legal advice on the matter.

The Corinthian

Susannahmia wrote: »

As I siad, this visit is not about "working things out" or inheritence for that matter. It is simply about closure.

It might just be closure, but don't assume so. After all, you have not heard his side of the story yet and in either case you're both going to be about for a good few years yet.

Out of interest, for wannabelawyer I was actually given some casual advice from a family lawyer before, according to him, as his heir I have the right to contest any will, the fact that he failed to provide for me during my childhood and that my parents are still married gives me a very very good case. I have never really checked it out but thats what I can gather. I will of course eventually get some proper legal advice on the matter.

Depends on what he's done to ensure his wishes. It is very easy to circumvent inheritance rights if you have the will and the time to do so.

minidazzler

Just talk to him I'd say.

Simple as talk to him as another adult, Call him by his first name and let him explain. Maybe there is actually a story behind it. Maybe it was your mothers fault. Maybe not but you are going on a Biased view here and I can honestly say in you situation I would talk to them and find out the story.

And to answer the Question in the thread title.

Yes your feelings towards the man who donated his sperm so you could be born are justified, given current knowledge.