She cheated... now she does everything I say.

LegacyUser

Sorry I know this is a bit weird...

2 years ago my Gf cheated on me, just a kiss with some guy. But she told me straightaway and since then she's basically turned into my slave.

Everything I ask her to do she does. I think she was so afraid to lose me she just gives in to everything I want and I'm so sick of it i'm about ready to call it a day!

I'll give you some examples. If were out and she's having a great night. If i say were going home she'll just come with me, no arguments or can we stay for a few mins she just comes home with me.

If she cooks steak for dinner and when she's putting the plate in front of me I say "I actually wanted chicken" she'll actually go and cook it for me. If we had a booked a holiday and the day before i decided i wasnt going, she wouldnt say a word.

If i say were going to X place on sat night she'll come even though her friends might want her to go out.

I think she was so afraid of losing me she's turned into a walkover. Now while i was very angry after she cheated this has been going on for a year still while i've been trying to get her back to "normal" .

Sex is actually crap because no matter what i ask her to do she does it and obviously she doesnt enjoy everything and i've had enough.

I've told her unless things get back to the way they were i'm leaving. I've lost count of how many times i've told her i've forgiven her but its still no change, any suggestions people??

Ruby Soho

How long have you been going out together??
I think its sounds very strange alright, I mean, she just kissed the guy, she didn't try to elope into the sunset with him, I really think that it has very little to do with your current situation. Surely she knows you've gotten over it at this stage? I don't think it sounds like it has anything to do with the kiss.
Why don't you suggest to her that 'this weekend, we're go to do what YOU want to do', what would she say to that?
Maybe she's just one of those people who are very submissive and just need to be told what to do all the time. She mightn't be grovelling at all, just happy to go along with what you want, there are people like that, trust me!
I mean FFS, it was only a kiss!! What was she like before that incident? Was she any more independant? Maybe she just has very low self esteem. I can see why it could be annoying, there's just no challenge for you at all, is there?

rohe

not being funny here.....

but would you not think your taking advantage of the situation here for your own gain?????

I mean come on turning around and saying to her after she has cooked you dinner, that no you actually wanted something else, and cancelling a holiday a day before your due to go?????

It seems to me your either pushing your gf to see how far she will go or your just taking advantage of the whole situation

Even if you really want it to work with her you should tell her the extent of how you feel and that if things dont change you will leave, that should wake her up

AARRRGH

She's obviously in a fairly unhealthy place at the moment.

Threatening to leave her probably isn't the best way to handle the situation! Have a proper heart to heart with her.

darsar

If i was her i'd ram the steak down your throat. The cheek of you to be treating a woman like this. Do her a favour and end it, because the way you come across in your post she doesn't deserve someone like you, even if she stupidly/mistakenly kiss a guy.

Josef Fritzel:rolleyes:

rohe

jamegg wrote: »

If i was her i'd ram the steak down your throat. The cheek of you to be treating a woman like this. Do her a favour and end it, because the way you come across in your post she doesn't deserve someone like you, even if she stupidly/mistakenly kiss a guy.

Josef Fritzel:rolleyes:

+ 1

St Bill

OP if you don't like getting what you want the whole time, well just tell your girlfriend you want the opposite of what you REALLY want i.e. if you want chicken, say you don't want chicken, or if you don't want her at your beck and call, tell her you want her at your beck and call!! It's so crazy it might actually work!!
My heart goes out to you by the way....good luck, you'll probably need it.

the_syco

jamegg wrote: »

If i was her i'd ram the steak down your throat. The cheek of you to be treating a woman like this. Do her a favour and end it, because the way you come across in your post she doesn't deserve someone like you, even if she stupidly/mistakenly kiss a guy.

Josef Fritzel:rolleyes:

You're not getting it, are you? This is what the lad wants. He wants her to have a bit of backbone: he's nearly going to call it off cos she so submissive.

=-=

OP: almost sounds like she f**ked him the way it's going on.

rohe

dont think thats the case the post above, about the girl f*cking the guy

Its just she feels so guilty for doing this to him

and she obviously lovers him very much that she has spent this long trying to make it up to him and to appease him in every sense

As i said earlier i think the op should be honest and explain how strongly he feels and try and talk it through, after all your gf might be happy with this situation either and could be hoping and waiting for things to change

rohe

dont think thats the case the post above, about the girl f*cking the guy

Its just she feels so guilty for doing this to him

and she obviously lovers him very much that she has spent this long trying to make it up to him and to appease him in every sense

As i said earlier i think the op should be honest and explain how strongly he feels and try and talk it through, after all your gf might not be happy with this situation either and could be hoping and waiting for things to change

darsar

the_syco wrote: »

You're not getting it, are you? This is what the lad wants. He wants her to have a bit of backbone: he's nearly going to call it off cos she so submissive.

=-=

OP: almost sounds like she f**ked him the way it's going on.

I get it alright, i understand he wants her to stand up and say no and bite back but for the OP to let her take a steak back off the plate and go cook him a chicken, thats just extracting the urine.

Marksie

and my question is OP: if you know she is like this..why do you act like that?

What possible motivation have you to continue to rub her face in it, metaphorically speaking?

It is doing her no good and you no good.

Whatever issues she has you are compounding if not the cause.

If you want her to "grow a backbone". Then stop treating her like a slave and treat her like a partner.

Look to your own behaviour before you look to hers. To have told us some of the things you have done smacks of gloating, cruelty and a complete contempt for her.

rohe

would agree with marksie 100%

Your using this situation basically for your own gain

sam34

Troll?

LegacyUser

Maybe you should start treating her with a bit of respect. Then she wouldn't think that she was losing you, she might learn to respect herself a bit more, and not be at your beck and call every moment.
Or else you should end it, and admit to her that you're being an awful boyfriend. Anyone disrespectful enough to say to their girlfriend that they wanted chicken after she went to the bother of making you a dinner deserves a good slap of a steak at the side of the face. You obviously haven't forgiven her because you're treating her like sh**.
Did you treat her like this before she cheated? Because it sounds to me that if this is a new development then you really haven't forgiven her at all.

Marksie

rohe wrote: »

Your using this situation basically for your own gain

Its simpler than that, he is doing it because he can.

board om

do her a favour and set her free. suffering someone like you is punishment enough for her. you have obviously pushed the boundaries to know exactly how far she is willing to go to please you. and to make a comment like sex is crap becuase she does what you tell her? you are some man. i actually feel sorry for this girl becuase she obviously has self esteem issues and your only worry is basciallly that she is boring you now becuase she is doing evrything you ask, instead you should be thinking about what this poor girl miust be going through to let someone walk all over her in the way you have been. i am actually embarassed for you.

rohe

not disputing that

but he obviously has had no qualms over tha past few months that the fact his gf is doing everything to try and make it up to him, has the op actually sat down once and said to his gf, stop doing this or that, you dont have to do all this, he should have nipped in the bud from the first day when his gf started behaving like this

Why wait so long???

Why is it only bothering him now, it hasnt all along???

Even the name he has used to post, suggests he just taking the p*ss

Pen1987

If were out and she's having a great night. If i say were going home she'll just come with me, no arguments or can we stay for a few mins she just comes home with me.

If she cooks steak for dinner and when she's putting the plate in front of me I say "I actually wanted chicken" she'll actually go and cook it for me. If we had a booked a holiday and the day before i decided i wasnt going, she wouldnt say a word.

If i say were going to X place on sat night she'll come even though her friends might want her to go out.

I think she was so afraid of losing me she's turned into a walkover. Now while i was very angry after she cheated this has been going on for a year still while i've been trying to get her back to "normal" .

He said IF, I dont think hes actually doing these things!

rohe

Pen1987 wrote: »

He said IF, I dont think hes actually doing these things!

ehhhh???

How would he know her response if he nevr actually done any of these things

Pen1987

I was with my ex gf for a year and I' could tell you exactly how she'd react to 99% of situations, including the situation when we broke up.

Marksie

DonalN..save that type of comment for AH

the_syco

Off topic, but...

Marksie wrote: »

DonalN..save that type of comment for AH

Who's this DonalN that you're speaking to?

Overheal

rohe wrote: »

not being funny here.....

but would you not think your taking advantage of the situation here for your own gain?????

I mean come on turning around and saying to her after she has cooked you dinner, that no you actually wanted something else, and cancelling a holiday a day before your due to go?????

It seems to me your either pushing your gf to see how far she will go or your just taking advantage of the whole situation

Even if you really want it to work with her you should tell her the extent of how you feel and that if things dont change you will leave, that should wake her up

Happening 2 years ago, I'm guessing he's been through that phase

But yes, something is wrong here. Two years of guilt? Who does that to themselves? Over such a small thing I mean.

Try reciprocating: she's doing all of these nice things; she's doing things she clearly doesn't want to do, for you. Consider doing the same? Instead of getting steak and going Oh I wanted chicken (btw what kind of man picks chicken over steak!?) be grateful instead. The next day cook something she wants to eat.

I mean, don't take this badly, but instead of forgiving her I think you need to ask for some forgiveness too and I think thats the problem - you were probably very upset when it happened and you may have never apologized for that behavior. I think thats what might be wrong here.

I say take her out for the best night she's had in years and make a major apology for whatever you've done to make her think she needs to put herself through purgatory for your acceptance.

Best wishes

Marksie

the_syco wrote: »

Off topic, but...

Who's this DonalN that you're speaking to?

Ahh i warned himn then deleted the post

Gordon

I got the impression that the OP doesn't necessarily tell his GF to do these things, but he gauges that she would react that way if so asked. Could be wrong though, need feedback.

Femelade

The next time she makes you steak, thank her for it, dont tell her you want chicken!!
The next time you say you are going home from a night out, insist she stays out with her friends..
The next time she wants to go out with her friends insist on her going!
And the next time ye book a hoilday, go on the god damn holiday!!
Jesus like, What are you like!! You want her to stop being the way she is, but you are not helping by being the way you are! Show the girl some respect.

Mullah

Its clear to me Gordan and Pen are right, which makes some of the hysterical overreaction (cf femmy in particular) to hypotheticals both foolish and unhelpful.

As with any complicated situation there is no simple solution. A start, however, would be a very straight, clear talk between you.

Given that you value the old her rather than the submissive model, I'd emphasise that her independence/backbone/call it whatever was one of the things that was attractive about her, and without that the attraction diminishes.

Then take her away for a weekend and indulge her: a change of sceneray might help a change in attitudes.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Gordon wrote: »

I got the impression that the OP doesn't necessarily tell his GF to do these things, but he gauges that she would react that way if so asked. Could be wrong though, need feedback.

Sorry I havent had a chance to reply til now. we have been together 2 years since this happened. And as some of you have correctly figured out I was a bit of a c*nt to her for a couple of months. As I was pretty hurt that she was with someone else. But I copped on a realised we'd never have a relationship if i didnt let go of the anger.

So its been at least 20 months since I last did something with the chicken/steak but she is still like this. She doesnt make any decisions for herself she wants/expects me to tell her what were doing.

Every now and again she does say she's sorry for what she did and thanks for not dumping her. But tbh I'm pretty sick of the way she is.

Thanks for the advice, I think a serious heart to heart is in order.

Plek Trum

Have your heart to heart and tell her honestly how you feel she has changed. You may be surprised that she may actually be somebit relieved to hear she can get on with her own life outside of your relationship! Ask yourself two important questions though - 1)Do you respect her? 2) Do you love her? It may help direct your feelings. Best of luck

hairymolly

jamegg wrote: »

If i was her i'd ram the steak down your throat. The cheek of you to be treating a woman like this. Do her a favour and end it, because the way you come across in your post she doesn't deserve someone like you, even if she stupidly/mistakenly kiss a guy.

Josef Fritzel:rolleyes:

ditto that

LaVidaLoca

sounds like a pretty classic archetype.

"I wouldn't wanna belong to any club that would have a guy like me for a member." as Groucho Marx said it.

You automatically think that a girl who treats you bad and makes life difficult for you, must be more worth having than one that treats you nice and is good to you.

There are many males and females who think this way and if they dont grow out of it, always end up in horrible relationships.

Nevyn

So she has been incredibly submissive in her relationship with you for the last two years and it's now that you have an issue with it ?

What did you do until you got bored of it ?

Sex is actually crap because no matter what i ask her to do she does it and obviously she doesnt enjoy everything and i've had enough.

Sounds like me you exploited the situation to see how much you could get away with and now you are bored and have lost any respect for her what so ever.

Why did you keep having sex with her and demanding that she do things which she seemed clearly not to be enjoying ?

Talk about selfish.

Look she has gotten herslef into that midset when around you and it's a pattern and it can be hard to break.

Now it could be that you are going out with someone who enjoys that type of dymnaic in a relationship and you have been duped or fell into a Dominant/submissive relationship
but it sounds like you really don't care for her or cherish her any more despite her extesnsive efforts to please you.

So a) you break up with her and go away and have a really good think about how you have disrespected her and how much of a part in her debasement you have played a part of.

b) try and find away to change things by takeing responsiblity in your part in the dynamic.

Why don't you pamper her ? why don't you place yourself at her beck and call mindlessly submissive her her whims and her needs and so that she can see what it is like.

King of Kings

jamegg wrote: »

If i was her i'd ram the steak down your throat. The cheek of you to be treating a woman like this. Do her a favour and end it, because the way you come across in your post she doesn't deserve someone like you, even if she stupidly/mistakenly kiss a guy.

Josef Fritzel:rolleyes:

if you did that i'd vomit it back up all over you and then remind you that I wanted chicken.
Josef Fritzel isn't funny - and Fritzel the OP ain't


OP
i had a friend whose gf was like that - although she didn't cheat on him , it was a gradual change in her when they moved in together- in the end he ended it cos of her submissive behaviour.

I feel she put up with your boorish behaviour post cheating , cos you were angry, and just to used to behaving like that so now it's second nature. How is she among friends?
I think the heart to heart is a good idea - remind her why you love her (or loved her) and make it clear the submissive behaviour is ruining your relationship.
If the heart to heart doesn't work I'd say you should end it - as obviously you're not happy and that's the main thing in a relationship

Thaedydal wrote: »

Sounds like me you exploited the situation to see how much you could get away with and now you are bored and have lost any respect for her what so ever.

Why did you keep having sex with her and demanding that she do things which she seemed clearly not to be enjoying ?

Talk about selfish.

To be fair to the OP , many situations in a relationship can be gradual and you mighn't realise it until it's gone on a long time. Also at the beginning of this behaviour he may have liked it as a subconscious way "to reel in that cheating " gf.
It may have seemed logical in his anger that she try to appease him.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why don't you pamper her ? why don't you place yourself at her beck and call mindlessly submissive her her whims and her needs and so that she can see what it is like.

quality idea. simple and brilliant - best idea today!

Chinafoot

slavemaster wrote: »

So its been at least 20 months since I last did something with the chicken/steak but she is still like this.

Right so you havent done the chicken/steak thing but you did say

slavemaster wrote:

Sex is actually crap because no matter what i ask her to do she does it and obviously she doesnt enjoy everything

Has this still been happening over the last 20 months? Have you been asking her to do things that you know she doesn't enjoy? If so, why? My parter would never ask me to do something I wasn't comfortable with and if I was doing something to try and please him but it was obvious I wasn't enjoying it, we'd stop.

To be completely honest with you...it was a kiss. One kiss that she told you about straight away and, from what you say, something she regretted massively. You have admitted to being a cúnt to her for a few months so it's no wonder she's terrified of losing you and so desperate to please you. Months? Over a kiss?! If you felt that strongly about it you should have left her. I'm not trying to condone what she did and I don't know the circumstances but I have to be honest and say that people make mistakes and it sounds like the punishment really didn't fit the crime in this case.

Unless you can both get passed this your relationship won't get any better. She obviously still feels awful about what happened but you need to ask yourself, honestly, if you're doing anything to make her still feel like that.

I agree with Thaed, you should spoil her and do what she wants for a change, but not to show her how frustrated you've become. Instead, try to show her how much you love and her and want to be with her. Prove to her that you're over the past and want your relationship to move on.

truecrippler

Or maybe she's still seeing someone else and being extra nice to you so you won't expect anything. A cover up if you will.
But if not, a girl that does all those things... wow!!! Nice catch.

4Xcut

Just leave. there's no point staying in a relationship where the power balance is off, whether its in your favour or going against you.

Teddi

I usually dont have bad things to say about OP's but mate you need to cop on..


If you are aware that she does everything for you, try implimenting more options for her, and TRY and persaude her to do what she wants to from time to time...

"actually I wanted chicken"...you serious?...id have chucked that in your face literally if I had cooked you that....

you sound like a husband in southern america in the 60's...thats how your coming off.

I know that alot of this is her doing, but step up and be a man and stop taking advantage of this situation, you need to sit her down an explain it was 2 years ago, and not to be at your beck and call constantly.

The only reason why this is starting to piss you off, is that it sounds that you havent done anything about it, found a nice comfortable position to be in and has now turned into routine.

nip it in the bud now before it costs you your relationship.

Abi

OP, what exactly did you say / act like when she told you?
What way have you been with her since?

It seems to me that it is you that is making her suffer. And what is worse is, you've bascially come on here to gloat about it.

What sort of advice did you expect from this thread? If you were really unable to handle her being so submissive, you would have lost a lot of respect for her, and left her a long time ago.

You secretly enjoy the control tbh, or you are a troll.

I just hope its the latter.

who_ru

she'd be better off without you - do her a favour and end it and let her move on.

Dr_Teeth

slavemaster wrote: »

I'll give you some examples. If were out and she's having a great night. If i say were going home she'll just come with me, no arguments or can we stay for a few mins she just comes home with me.

If she cooks steak for dinner and when she's putting the plate in front of me I say "I actually wanted chicken" she'll actually go and cook it for me. If we had a booked a holiday and the day before i decided i wasnt going, she wouldnt say a word.

If i say were going to X place on sat night she'll come even though her friends might want her to go out.

I think she was so afraid of losing me she's turned into a walkover. Now while i was very angry after she cheated this has been going on for a year still while i've been trying to get her back to "normal" .

Sex is actually crap because no matter what i ask her to do she does it and obviously she doesnt enjoy everything and i've had enough.

I'm really confused here.. are you saying you take advantage of her by making her do things you know she'd rather not do, but are also complaining that she does them??

Why don't you just, not ask her to do those things? If you want her to be more confident/willful/self-respecting then why don't you treat her as if she was like that. Seems like a pretty simple solution to me:

* If you're in a club and you want to leave and you know she doesn't, you say "This is great, we'll stay as long as you like".

* If she cooks you a steak and you want chicken, you "Great steak, thanks luv" and eat it. Then you cook chicken for the pair of you the next night.

* If you know she and her friends are going out, leave them to it. Tell her you'll go out with your mates and see her tomorrow.

* In bed, ask her what she would like.

..and so on. If you treat her with consideration she'll soon realise she's worth consideration and the relationship will be more equal. That's what I reckon anyway.

kittensoft1984

who_ru wrote: »

she'd be better off without you - do her a favour and end it and let her move on.

+1

OP, you seriously need to do cop on here.

Your runing the girl and its her i feel sorry for.

Please just end it - yes it may be a case that she is hurt etc for a while but in the long run it will be better for her.

Please just do it

Overheal

slavemaster wrote: »

Sorry I havent had a chance to reply til now. we have been together 2 years since this happened. And as some of you have correctly figured out I was a bit of a c*nt to her for a couple of months. As I was pretty hurt that she was with someone else. But I copped on a realised we'd never have a relationship if i didnt let go of the anger.

So its been at least 20 months since I last did something with the chicken/steak but she is still like this. She doesnt make any decisions for herself she wants/expects me to tell her what were doing.

Every now and again she does say she's sorry for what she did and thanks for not dumping her. But tbh I'm pretty sick of the way she is.

Thanks for the advice, I think a serious heart to heart is in order.

Well ok lets get back to the sex part of this: I mean for all we know it could still be a problem because of that. If you are dominating her there, you are going to dominate her everywhere.

If she can't figure out what she wants assume she doesnt want anything instead of forcing something on her. Wait for her to decide - and dont pressure her to make up her mind either. Put her needs first for a start.

I'm guessing it started out in those 4 months as you getting payback sex/favors out of it and you have just become spoiled on that. Work your way out of it. Fast.

Again, have the heart to heart - and really think about your actions over the last 2 years and if you feel you need to apologize for any of it, do. And don't rush over that either. No quick yeah sorry's. We're talking about a 2 year apology here.

And don't overlook that the relationship may have to end. My only concern is that when she's left alone will she remember how to stand up for herself or will she just fall back in with someone who gets off on being a control freak - and they will hurt her properly.