Single Forever?

Wurly

Hi all,

Regular poster but set up new account for this thread to remain anon. No mods seem to be around today to check unregged posts. Anyhoo..:pac:

Okay so im now into my fifth year being single and its starting to get me down a bit now.

My last boyfriend was in Australia in 2004 and we broke up as I leaving to come home. It was a bad relationship and it took me 3 years to get over it fully. During these 3 years, I suffered extreme depression and saw a counsellor and was prescribed meds.

Now my life is great, my issues have been dealt with and I know who I am and love myself very much. Problem? I can't seem to find anyone to share this happy life with.

Ive tried various different approaches - the not think about it one where you just chill and let what's meant for you come to you. The go get em approach where you chat up guys being out. The friends first approach with certain guys I like etc. I just dont seem to get anywhere. Don't get me wrong, im not trying to be fake or be someone i'm not when trying new approaches. But I firmly believe that a person has the power to get what they want and change their circumstances. So that's why I tried different approaches.

I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a victim which is unhelpful as this will certainly ensure an adverse affect on things. But i've been through a lot in my life and I deserve happiness. I just cant seem to find someone I really like to share it with. I feel ready for a relationship.

I've tried loads of different night courses (trying to meet people with common interests), joined dance classes, the gym, internet dating, speed dating, out on the pull, out with new friends, go to parties. etc etc

I am a very pleasant girl who smiles a lot and has a good attitude. I'm intelligent and fun loving. I am easy to talk to and I am pretty good looking. I'm tall and a size 10/12.

I just don't get it. Ive read loads of books on body language too to see if that could be the problem...

Basically, im stumped. Any advice please?? I dont want this to start dragging me down but its really beginning to upset me.

Thanks in advance.

AARRRGH

I know everyone else is going to say this, but it sounds like you're trying too hard.

Little example: when I was single, when I went out with the lads "on the hunt", I could tell girls could smell the desperation off us. On the other hand, when I went out with no intention of scoring, I was regularly approached by women.

I really believe people can sense desperation, and for some reason it's a huge turnoff.

That's what I think is happening in your case.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Don't let it get you too upset, it absolutely 100% is just a matter of time before the right person comes along.

Creamy Goodness

keep doing what you're doing, and try not to let it get you down. someone will come along when you least expect it (how cliche does that sound.)

i'm creeping up to being a year single and i'm trying not to let it bother me, it's tough but i always just try to keep busy to keep my mind off it.

also remember forever is a long time not like when we are stuck in a moment that we don't really like (eg. mass as a kid) and it seems to last an eternity.

Profiler

dublindude wrote: »

Don't let it get you too upset, it absolutely 100% is just a matter of time before the right person comes along.

Yes, pretty much what I was going to say.

You are doing all the right things and as a guy can I say that as long as the things you are doing (dance classes, the gym, out with new friends, go to parties) are fun and you are enjoying them then the right guy will come your way.

Keep the chin up!

Wurly

Hey Dublindude. Yeah, I so thought everyone was going to say im trying too hard too. :pac:

I really dont think I am though. I havent even kissed a guy in two years. I rarely go on the hunt, just did once or twice to see if it made any difference - it didnt. :rolleyes:

Im a very busy person so I dont be looking for it as such and when I do get the time to see my friends, i usually focus on them tbh.

Aaaarrgh, its just soooo frustrating.

AARRRGH

Can I ask what age you are?

Tragedy

.

RedXIV

I am a very pleasant girl who smiles a lot and has a good attitude. I'm intelligent and fun loving. I am easy to talk to and I am pretty good looking. I'm tall and a size 10/12.

Is it possible you're keeping standards too high? no offence or anything lass but if i'd been approached by a girl with that description i'd be trying to hook up with ya myself

Wurly

I'm 25 - 26 in October.

Re high standards. Well I know what I fancy, put it that way. However, many of my past boyfriends haven't been 'lookers' as such but their personalities far outweighted the physical stuff and I ended up fancying them like mad. They were all beauties in my eyes.;)

If a guy can make me laugh and is caring and considerate, then i'll prob end up liking them in the other way, provided they are not total mingers.

I think I may have had high standards in the past but I don't think I do now.

RedXIV

Then trust me lass, go post that description in a singles forum and watch the offers roll in. I genuinely don't understand how women can have a problem finding guys to go out with them, we're all usually so grateful for what we get

AARRRGH

On paper you sound great, but there must be something else going on.

Do guys approach you at all?

Tragedy

From the sounds of it, you should have no problem with internet dating to be honest - other than weeding out the pervs, but you'll get them in real life too

Especially if you're more into personality.

She Devil

Hey OP, just chill hun seriously, I was single for four years and although it was a little crap at times, such as for weddings and partys when you dont have a plus one i always reminded myself the reason i was single was because I CHOSE not to end up with just anyone. I bet you could have a boyfriend ... but you are sensible and dont want just anyone. So go different places, try the net, speed date, get out there. You are NOT going to find a guy sitting at home watching eastenders. And ... its the summer so dont be too hard on yourself the summer is for singletons its like a three month holiday dedicated to single people
I can totally emphasise with you girlie, you are 25. Its not ancient even though you think it is now, you are just starting to panic that you will be left on the shelf. My mother used to swear i'd be left on the shelf if i didnt stop being picky and just chose anyone to go out with, to spare her some shame. Honest to god, that woman would have preferred some guy was beating me up and was my boyfriend than having to tell her friends that "yeah she devil is still single .. i wonder is she lesbian" hahaha. So thank your lucky stars you dont have all that to contend with ... enjoy it girlie and just get yourself out there ... meet lots of friends on the way to meeting the guy that will be have been worth the long lonely wait.

Wurly

Thanks. I've pretty much said that on a dating website (cringe) and the majority of the responses ive gotten were from men hitting 50. Bloody hell. :pac:

I'm not sure what I want people to say to me really, sorry.:( The purpose of the post I suppose is a mixture of venting and to see if someone was once in the same situation as me and managed to turn it around.

I'm getting scared too that people will judge me about the fact that im single so long. Many people may think its weird or that there is something wrong with me.

It doesnt help when all your mates come to you with their relationship/dating dilemma's and its like - hello? Can I have a crumb?

I used to be really lucky with guys. And the funny thing is that im more together and happy now than I was back then. wtf?!

Pile of soiled pants really!

AARRRGH

She Devil wrote: »

My mother used to swear i'd be left on the shelf if i didnt stop being picky and just chose anyone to go out with, to spare her some shame.

I know a couple of girl who's (whose?) mothers say that as well. WTF.

RedXIV

lol one of my best friends, her mother has been annoying her since she turned 21 about "not being a spring chicken"

Don't worry about it so much lass. Venting is all you seem to want to do here because as you've seen here now, everyone believes your capable of getting a man with ease.

You're happy now so as the old saying goes "if it's not broken, don't fix it"

Wurly

dublindude wrote: »

On paper you sound great, but there must be something else going on.

Do guys approach you at all?

See, this is what i'm afraid of. People think there is something else going on cos its been so long. If there is, I dont know what it is. I honestly don't. I have a million self help books and am constantly trying to better myself for my own benefit. I love learning and trying new things. I don't know what else I can do.

Guys do approach me, sometimes. I can recall 3 recent one's but I didnt go for any of these blokes as a. one was about 5 foot 1 (im 5 foot 7 and im sorry but that's just non-negotiable and I dont mean to sound shallow), b. the next one was feeling me all over the camp and the 3rd one sat and talked to me about the ins and outs of his recently ended relationship - with aggression I might add.:eek:

So there you go.

RedXIV

You're just unlucky so. Give it time

AARRRGH

I'm going to go back to my original theory of you're trying too hard.

My ex-flatmate, she is an extremely good looking girl. Magazine good looks. She was intelligent and really into self improvement. It came across as a bit intense though, and as a result she was a bit off putting...

She would tick a lot of boxes but she also has problems meeting men.

Obviously the above could be irrelevant in your case (it's very hard to come to a conclusion without knowing you) but defo think about it...

You haven't left out an important detail like a wonky eye or having a couple of kids, right?

Another example: Dawn Porter. She has lots going for her, but she tries too hard, comes across as desperate, so is kind of off putting...

She Devil

Nobody is going to judge why you are still single ...
I will say though from experience you are not going to pull on a night out if you are out with couples ... go out with single friends .. (if you arent like me they will be very few) and have a ball.
It will come ... honest to god. Just get out there ... blow all your money on having a good time this summer

Wurly

Ha - no wonky eye to think of, no. AND I have my own teeth. ha ha

Okay, you might be onto something. I am going to be honest and say that yes, I am an intense person.

Maybe this leaks out when i'm on nights out. But i'm not sure how it would as the conversation would tend to be breezy when you've just met someone, right?

Feckin hell, I dunno. But its an interesting point.

Dublindude, could you possibly, if appropriate elaborate on your friends story? In terms of what she says/does that makes her come across as intense? And if you witnessed this behaviour, what feelings did it evoke in you?

I'm determined to get to the bottom of this. I'm p*ssed off being on my own. Rant over, lets get down to it.:D

Wurly

She Devil wrote: »

Nobody is going to judge why you are still single ...
I will say though from experience you are not going to pull on a night out if you are out with couples ... go out with single friends .. (if you arent like me they will be very few) and have a ball.
It will come ... honest to god. Just get out there ... blow all your money on having a good time this summer

You're an ou'l pet. thank you.xx

AARRRGH

I have to head off now, but I will elaborate tomorrow.

What I will say though is people can (well I know I can anyway) sense intensity off people.

Wurly

Ok, thanks Dude of the Dublin, i'll look forward to your reply tomorrow. Oh the suspense!

Thank you.

is_that_so

Not sure if being single is necessarily bad thing . Had more than my fair share of it and in general enjoyed it.

When people try too hard it can come across as being a little desperate. This in its own right can be off-putting. I'd also caution the use of self-help books. In my experience they can encourage over-analysis. The books can also make people selective. They always tend to focus on what is wrong and what needs to be fixed. What I think this does is make us focus on the negative and what we don't like rather than what we do.

Often that is nothing more than just altering our own perception; a paradigm shift.

In one relationship, I myself was exposed to the "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus" syndrome. In the end we went our separate ways due to other issues.

Nowadays I would inclined to look at absolute deal-breakers(usually one or two really, really annoying things) and if they don't exist go with the flow on the rest of it.

But most importantly life , IMO , is to be enjoyed with all its ebbs and flows.

RedXIV

ok, example. my current GF has a few blackbelts in respective martial arts, fantastic piano player, has a degree in pharmasuctial science, own car, great job , looks stunning and constantly looking for ways to better herself. If it wasn't for the fact she can't drink for ****, i'd be a little bit intimidated.

Now this girl has everything you think you need to choose who she wants, from any class of guy.

She, for reasons unknownst to me, chose me. i'm a student, broke most of the time, enjoy my lazy time and am hardly what you'd call a model in the looks department.

The only reason I approached her in the first place was a social experiement and i admit, i got lucky.

But anyone else that's met her gives me the same "she can get anyone, why you?"

She Devil

dublindude wrote: »

I know a couple of girl who's (whose?) mothers say that as well. WTF.

I know .. if i had been in jail she would have been more forgiving.

Wurly

Guys, seriously. Please, im not trying too hard. Im too bloody busy to try too hard.:D

I knew that would be the response i'd get but im not trying too hard. I know im not. I think if you tried too hard constantly for 5 years, you'd be in tatters.:)

Its only recently its been getting me down so I havent been trying too much at all really. Ive just been making sure im living life to the full and would have hoped id meet someone along the way.

Re self help books - ok this sounds a bit severe. I meant things like The Secret and Cosmic Ordering etc. The nice stuff - where you are in the driving seat and everything is rosy.

Ive done counselling - so I don't need the 'whats wrong with you' style books. I should have been clearer there - sorry.

Wurly

RedXIV wrote: »

But anyone else that's met her gives me the same "she can get anyone, why you?"

Oh my god, did people actually say that to you? The shower of b$stards. That's awful.

So what do you mean, im over qualified?:D

What the f*ck do men want in that case?:D

My brain hurts - ha ha

Creamy Goodness

perhaps it's just lads may be afraid to approach you, especially if you look like you wrote above.

some guys aren't the most confident things in the world tbh.

Wurly

Okay, question. What do men think if a girl was to approach them?

I would personally think, if they liked me, they would approach me.

Some men find that a girl approaching them robs them of their opportunity to do the chasing - true? Or it may come across as a bit desperate on the girls part - true?

RedXIV

OK here's the plan, next sat night, head out to a club with at least one other single girl with you. Find a guy you like the look of and approach them. We live in the age of equality between the sexes so feel free to be forward instead of waiting for the guy to do it. Guys are only too happy to get attention off a girl on a night out.

Approach with a question on general terms so if they don't offer what you desire you don't have any reason to stay more than a few minutes. And don't be shy, chances of you seeing them again is slim enough so you have no need to be embarrassed. Try it and let me know what happens

EDIT:
Some men find that a girl approaching them robs them of their opportunity to do the chasing - true? Or it may come across as a bit desperate on the girls part - true?

This is NOT true. 90% of guys would look at is as a good sign of interest, have their confidence boosted and as a result make the conversation go smoother, try it.

Wurly

Jaysis, I feel nervous just thinking about it - but okay.

What question to ask? Do you know where the toilets are? Wanna come? ha ha, only joking.

TomMc

OP your 25 not 35+ so chill!

I would care less what other people think. D'ont lower your standards just to fit in or follow the crowd. Just because others may settle for the best they can get does not mean others should too. These people lack discrimination and sell out. Second best is unfulfilling. A person either complements you or they d'ont. Mediocrity is for the sheep. So press ahead in life with good cheer. Patience is all. Broaden your horizons and keep an open mind. The best ones come around once ever 5-10 years and when your mind is elsewhere. So take up some constructive hobbies and stay alert.;)

I think in modern Ireland when you have left school/college or do not work in an environment with lots of colleagues and the options it can offer, getting regular contact with like-minded (& the right) people can be a problem. The most suitable persons can be the most unobtrusive, lead relatively sheltered lives, and so not have an outwardly public social life. All private dinner parties and such like. So having diverse hobbies and interests are best or else never the twain shall meet.

And remember as one lady put it "better to have the admirations of many than the scorn of just the one!" or words to that effect.

Good luck!

RedXIV

Ask for a guys opinion on something. This can give you insight into character as well as sparking conversation.

If you're feeling daring, ask him something like do your shoes match your necklace. He gets about 2 seconds of free checking out to do, (any more, be wary of pervy guys) and you find out if he's arrogant ("no, they sucK"), nice ("yeah they match perfectly, you look perfect"), smooth ("i dunno, do a quick spin there") or genuine ("i haven't a clue about fashion but i think you look great")

these are general outlines.

If you aren't that confident, try something like "My friend's boyfriend says he's out for the night with just the lads, is it true they drink more without girls around?"

if he's got an interesting answer, keep talking ("friend's boyfriend" nicely implies your single), if he disgusts you for some reason, just say "thanks" and disappear

Wurly

Oh god, would he not think im weird, just coming up and blurting something like that out? I'd feel like a bit of a dick. :pac:

Have you been chatted up before successfully? What did they say?

Wurly

TomMc wrote: »

OP your 25 not 35+ so chill!

I would care less what other people think. D'ont lower your standards just to fit in or follow the crowd. Just because others may settle for the best they can get does not mean others should too. These people lack discrimination and sell out. Second best is unfulfilling. A person either complements you or they d'ont. Mediocrity is for the sheep. So press ahead in life with good cheer. Patience is all. Broaden your horizons and keep an open mind. The best ones come around once ever 5-10 years and when your mind is elsewhere. So take up some constructive hobbies and stay alert.;)

I think in modern Ireland when you have left school/college or do not work in an environment with lots of colleagues and the options it can offer, getting regular contact with like-minded (& the right) people can be a problem. The most suitable persons can be the most unobtrusive, lead relatively sheltered lives, and so not have an outwardly public social life. All private dinner parties and such like. So having diverse hobbies and interests are best or else never the twain shall meet.

And remember as one lady put it "better to have the admirations of many than the scorn of just the one!" or words to that effect.

Good luck!

Thank you - very sweet and perfect sense.x

crotalus667

singleforever? wrote: »

Okay, question. What do men think if a girl was to approach them?

If a woman approached me id be thinking she’s either blind, mentally disturbed , winning a bet or Im going to wake up in a bath of ice missing my kidneys

I would personally think, if they liked me, they would approach me.

You have so much to learn about men lesson 1 : we are stupid , if we like a girl it could take some us a while to build up the nerve to talk to her, and if you want to send us a signal the only way to guarantee we under stand it is if you use a big flashing neon sign

Some men find that a girl approaching them robs them of their opportunity to do the chasing - true? Or it may come across as a bit desperate on the girls part - true?

Some do but most of us find it flattering ,

Wurly

crotalus667 wrote: »

If a woman approached me id be thinking she’s either blind, mentally disturbed , winning a bet or Im going to wake up in a bath of ice missing my kidneys ,

That is the most hilarious thing ive read in quite some time. Thanks for making me laugh. I got a wee teary earlier on. That's dried em right up.

daiixi

It's the internet and you're coming off as someone I'd not approach. You reek of desperation and insecurity. If it's obvious online I'd say it's definitely obvious in person. Chill out and take it down a peg or two.

Wurly

daiixi wrote: »

It's the internet and you're coming off as someone I'd not approach. You reek of desperation and insecurity. If it's obvious online I'd say it's definitely obvious in person. Chill out and take it down a peg or two.

Really? Because I asked for advice? Thanks for your 'advice'. Feel better now? I thought that was why people usually insulted others.

RedXIV

singleforever? wrote: »

Oh god, would he not think im weird, just coming up and blurting something like that out? I'd feel like a bit of a dick. :pac:

Have you been chatted up before successfully? What did they say?

why do you care what he thinks of you. If he's worth knowing, you'll win him over during the night, if hes NOT worth knowing, why would his opinion matter?
Guy's like being approached because it never happens. It's like having your birthday early

I've never been chatted up really before but a girl did come up to me once, spurted a few neutral comments as i was watching the dancefloor from the sidelines, then slipped in a compliment or two (or seven, as crotalus667 says, guys aren't great at plucking up nerve) and i realised i was on to a winner

Wurly

RedXIV wrote: »

why do you care what he thinks of you. If he's worth knowing, you'll win him over during the night, if hes NOT worth knowing, why would his opinion matter?

Yeah, YEAH!!! Exactly, yer dead right Sharon. :pac:

Not like me to care about opinions. Just feel a bit vulnerable now cos its been so long.

daiixi

singleforever? wrote: »

Really? Because I asked for advice? Thanks for your 'advice'. Feel better now? I thought that was why people usually insulted others.

Umm no. Because of your responses and how you are certain you're happy and not desperate yet you're constantly going out and trying to find someone. Plus I said it's the way I think you're coming across. You asked for advice. I gave you my opinion. Next time if you don't want to hear something, don't ask. I repeat: Chill out.

Wurly

daiixi wrote: »

Umm no. Because of your responses and how you are certain you're happy and not desperate yet you're constantly going out and trying to find someone. Plus I said it's the way I think you're coming across. You asked for advice. I gave you my opinion. Next time if you don't want to hear something, don't ask. I repeat: Chill out.

When did I say I was constantly trying to find someone??? I said I had tried different approaches over 5 years. Approaches because I want to find someone. What is so wrong with that.

I am feeling vulnerable at the moment and I really dont need someone as rude and condescending as you coming on here and saying that I 'REEK of desperation'. That's not fair. And its NOT advice.

Im hardly going to post this on a dating website and expect to get dates that way. Im not a total thick. Im looking for advice because what I have been doing is not working. Where is the problem.

I asked for advice, not insults.

is_that_so

singleforever? wrote: »

Okay, question. What do men think if a girl was to approach them?

I would personally think, if they liked me, they would approach me.

Some men find that a girl approaching them robs them of their opportunity to do the chasing - true? Or it may come across as a bit desperate on the girls part - true?

I don't think it's exclusive to either sex and IMO the question of seeming "desperate" applies to both. I think it depends on someone's reason for being out. If it's for fun and they happen to come across someone they wouldn't mind chatting to then that's how it comes across. On the other hand if they are out to meet someone then that can come across as a bit intense or even desperate. But I like the idea of a woman coming up and chatting with me and I'm with crotalus667 here, except I'd suggest that being hit with a large club is the only thing guaranteed to give some of us the message.

daiixi

singleforever? wrote: »

When did I say I was constantly trying to find someone??? I said I had tried different approaches over 5 years. Approaches because I want to find someone. What is so wrong with that.

I said there was something wrong with that? Where? You also said
"I've tried loads of different night courses (trying to meet people with common interests), joined dance classes, the gym, internet dating, speed dating, out on the pull, out with new friends, go to parties. etc etc". To me that sounds like you're heading out with the view to find someone rather than just to have fun and people can smell that (desperation) a mile off.

I am feeling vulnerable at the moment and I really dont need someone as rude and condescending as you coming on here and saying that I 'REEK of desperation'. That's not fair. And its NOT advice.

Sure it is. And if you weren't feeling so vulnerable you might take it as someones opinion and that it may actually be true and therefore advice.

Im hardly going to post this on a dating website and expect to get dates that way. Im not a total thick. Im looking for advice because what I have been doing is not working. Where is the problem.

Perhaps it's not working because you reek of desperation?

I asked for advice, not insults.

I have not insulted you yet nor do I plan to. Although I still think you seriously need to chill out. You're getting worked up because of someone on the internet. Think about it.

RedXIV

Lass, ya have everything ya need. your posts already proved that you have a sense of humour and you have no fear or standing up for yourself. As long as you don't look like shrek, 90% of guys are gonna think its their lucky day if you start talking to them

Wurly

daiixi wrote: »

I said there was something wrong with that? Where? You also said
"I've tried loads of different night courses (trying to meet people with common interests), joined dance classes, the gym, internet dating, speed dating, out on the pull, out with new friends, go to parties. etc etc". To me that sounds like you're heading out with the view to find someone rather than just to have fun and people can smell that (desperation) a mile off.


Sure it is. And if you weren't feeling so vulnerable you might take it as someones opinion and that it may actually be true and therefore advice.


Perhaps it's not working because you reek of desperation?


I have not insulted you yet nor do I plan to. Although I still think you seriously need to chill out. You're getting worked up because of someone on the internet. Think about it.

It was the crassness of your post and how blunt you were about it. I will take on an opinion and think about it. But not when it comes across as downright rude!

I also said later on in my posts that I wasn't looking as such as I was so busy but was making sure I lived my life to the full and hoped id meet someone along the way by doing stuff that interested me. How is that desperate?

I'm glad that you wouldn't approach me because I dont like rude people. Please don't post on this thread again. I'm not interested in your opinions.

ModeSkeletor

singleforever? wrote: »

When did I say I was constantly trying to find someone??? I said I had tried different approaches over 5 years. Approaches because I want to find someone. What is so wrong with that.

I am feeling vulnerable at the moment and I really dont need someone as rude and condescending as you coming on here and saying that I 'REEK of desperation'. That's not fair. And its NOT advice.

If any girl spoke to me like that I'd run a mile.

Wurly

I give up. Thanks to the witch hunters. Congratulations - I feel more like sh*t now. Cheers.

To all the nice posters - thanks.