Ending long term relationship

LegacyUser

I am currently in a 7 1/2 year relationship (26); Living in a bought house for 18 months now; It's been over the last few months I reckon I have not been feeling the same about the girlfriend. Everything she does annoys me, smoking oh god do I hate her smoking and ruining the house with the smell.

She has been in college for the last year so I have been paying the whole mortgage and bills in full. Recently I have started to sleep in the spare room on occasional night that I couldn't even spend the whole night in the same bed as her.

So what are my options?

1: Try and work it out. <<not sure how much I want this

2: Continue living in the same house in separate rooms, the only reason this is an option is because I cant see either of us giving up any ground on the house both of us see it as theirs even though she was down the country in college so I was alone for 6 months and will be for 3 more soon, and I have paid more towards the mortgage so I reckon I have more of a stake to it.

3: One of us leaves and the other buys the other out

4: We both leave and sell, this is a no no as we would lose a serious chunk of change vs what we bought it for

5: We both leave and rent it, both remaining business parters

6: Secret option 6?

Am really at a loss at the moment any advise from anyone would be great

seahorse

loggedout wrote: »

5: We both leave and rent it, both remaining business parters

I think when you've got to the point where you literally cant stand to lie the night beside your partner that's when you know it's well and truly over. Personally, with the way the housing market is at the moment, I see the above as the most logical option.

I am curious to know though, how much of your feelings you've discussed with her? Does she know you are seriously considering breaking up? (surely she must since you're taking off to the spare room?)

biko

You should discuss breaking up now, before it gets really really bad, if it haven't already.
Go with 5 if you both agree to it, otherwise sell.

StormWarrior

I personally would go with 3. It's obvious you don't want to be with her any more. Sounds like you don't even want her in your life and would prefer to cut all ties.

Miss Fluff

3 or 5 although I suspect the former would be pretty messy. You are probably best to cut your losses and try and rent it out. I am sure she knows the writing is on the wall at this stage if you are sleeping in seperate rooms. I wouldn't prolong it any more if I were you and break it off so you can move on and get on with your life.

chuci

rent it or get legal advice to see if you have more of a stake on the house. im sure she knows whats going on if ye are sleeping in different rooms and neither of ye have spoken about why you feel the need to sleep in seperate rooms.

syklops

I cant believe this thread has been here for 6 hours and and no one has given any relationship advice!

OP: Your GF 'left' you for 6 months to go to college. In that time you were paying for the house yourself and made it your home, and now she has come back into your space. It is natural that you will feel resentful towards her. You were with her for a long time, I wouldnt go throwing anything away just yet.

You say her smoking annoys you. I can perfectly understand that. I am a smoker but I would never smoke in my house, because of the long term damage it can cause to the house[\I]. If you both spent ~500K on a house, why pollute it with cigarette smoke? Bring the financial aspect of smoking in the house to her, and admit to her that you dont like it. Offer to build her a smoking shelter and make a bit of a joke out of it, but maintain a serious core to the conversation.

This may be the last thing you want to hear, but think about what you fell in love with her to begin with and try to recreate it. Spend some 'quality time'(I hate that term, but it can be useful!) with her.

I know your question was about ending the relationship but is there no chance of reconciliation?

SarahMc

loggedout wrote: »

3: One of us leaves and the other buys the other out

4: We both leave and sell, this is a no no as we would lose a serious chunk of change vs what we bought it for

These conflict each other, if there is no equity, there is nothing to buy out. One party just walks away, giving up title to the house.
I think you have the stronger legal hand here, having serviced the mortgage.

syklops, I think the reason there is practical, rather than relationship advice is
a) thats what the OP has asked for
b) this relationship sounds like it is beyond saving

LegacyUser

You don't sound like a very nice person. 7 and a half years with this girl and now you can't stand her?

Have you discussed anything with her?

Sounds like you care more for your poxy house than you do for your friend and partner of nearly 8 years....smoking "ruining the house".....dear oh dear.

She's better off away from a materialistic, dishonest, shallow person such as yourself.

togster

¨^^I don't think thats fair tbh. The OP knows its over. OP rent the house out. It's best for everyone involved and talk to your girlfriend

Wibbs

togster wrote: »

¨^^I don't think thats fair tbh. The OP knows its over. OP rent the house out. It's best for everyone involved and talk to your girlfriend

I agree, it's not about the "poxy" house at this stage. It's possible you can get back from this if you want to and you can both sit down and try to work through it. 8 years is a fair chunk of change to walk away from only to regret later. If you do sit and talk, then you may find the answer between you. It may be hasta la vista or it may be lets try again.

daiixi

Surely, when you decided to make such a huge purchase together you sat down and discussed and had written up a contract on what you would do with the house if (i) someone stopped pulling their weight in payments; and/or (ii) you decided to break up. Right? No, of course not. That would have been smart. Honestly how do you expect us to help you? The only people who can decide what to do now is you and your girlfriend.

topper75

I have been through a very similar situation. Because of difficulty selling in current market, we went to rent it (successfully) and are business partners.

I could write a 2 hour post about the ins and outs of it but will spare you.

I can distill all my experiences over the past 18 months in the house into one lesson: people are more important than houses.

You are focussing on the house title now like I did and aren't bothered any longer by the relationship. I regret this. I would walk over hot coals now to get my girl back and undo the whole mess the house got us into. She must have been magic once. Think hard and talk to her about getting that magic back. It's still in there somewhere.

LegacyUser

You joking me wrote: »

You don't sound like a very nice person. 7 and a half years with this girl and now you can't stand her?

Have you discussed anything with her?

Sounds like you care more for your poxy house than you do for your friend and partner of nearly 8 years....smoking "ruining the house".....dear oh dear.

She's better off away from a materialistic, dishonest, shallow person such as yourself.

No you must be joking me. Of course he cares about the house, it's a very serious financial issue that has to be sorted out now that he wants out of the relationship. And there is nothing wrong with wanting out, for god sake, do you propose he stays with her even tho "everything she does annoys me"? It's unfair on both parties to continue the relationship if this is the way one of them feels about it.

Das Kitty

You may think the relationship is beyond redemption but it may not be.

You've both invested a lot of time into it and it would be awful to let it slip away without trying to remedy your issues. You owe it to yourselves to see a counselor to see if you can save it.

Don't give it up without a fight!
Good luck with it