want to get married

LegacyUser

Hello

Need any advice please.

I feel so sad. I’ve been with my BF for over 5 years and would love for us to get married, have kids etc. We have spoken about it a couple of times and he says he wants to marry me.... but still nothing.

I’m really depressed about this now and starting to wonder if I want to be with him. If he can’t commit to me does he really love me.

I know I could talk to him about it again but why should I, I don’t want to ‘bully’ him into proposing as I’ll never feel like it was his decision.

Can anything be done without actually saying when are you going to ask me!

Maybe I shouldn’t care so much about being married but I guess i see it as a sign of true love ... why couldn’t I have just met someone who loves me enough and is happy to spend their life with me.

Thanks for reading

Puddleduck

being married dosent have to mean that the person loves you more than if you were just in a realationship. Hes said that he is willing to commit to you in the future, that means he sees a future for both of you which would mean he really does love you. I think maybe you should stop focusing on marraige, its the same as any realationship except youve a ring and a piece of paper.

chuckles30

I've three friends who got engaged recently - all were going out well over 5 years, so there's no rush. Don't worry about it so much - it might happen when you least expect it.

Colonel_McCoy

Why dont you ask him? My friends gf asked him and now they are happily married!

Reku

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Why dont you ask him? My friends gf asked him and now they are happily married!

I'd have to agree, there's nothing stopping you from asking him, may not require getting down on one knee while presenting a ring or any of that, but you could always arrange a nice meal and pop the question over dinner.

Oryx

I'm married, and I promise you, its not the be all and end all. It seems to be a rite of passage that we feel we must do as part of life. It doesnt create stronger love, or cement the love you have, it just gives you both a different title and 'appearance' if you like. You will still be the same two people with the same feelings and levels of (real) commitment within marriage as you are without it.

If I were you I would try to think about why you need so badly to be married in order to feel loved, why its so important that you would drop someone you claim to love because they wont marry you. Because if you do get him to the altar, after the fact, the same insecurities might surface again in spite of taking vows.

Mighty_Mouse

I know I could talk to him about it again but why should I,

Love it
Best off look for non-talkative means to solve the trivial matter of commiting yourself to someone for the rest of yer days.............on this earth..............ever....................ever ................ever

btw why do ya "need" to get married to do the things you want to do with yer life?

fruitandnut

the next time the "subject" comes up you could ask him, like, what age would you have liked to be married at. and when do you see yourself getting married! where do you see yourself in years! i know thats very interviewy but you need to know what he's thinking! if he never wants to get married you can decide then if thats what you want!
i know me and my bf talked about it a few years ago and about what we'd both like and when, so we kinda had an idea! we started saving for the 'future' without actually saying it was for the wedding!
Your feelings matter, and you should be happy.
hope that helps

nevaeh-2die-4

fook sake so fookn what if the chap doesn’t want to marry you.

He obviously loves u if u have been with each this long,
grow up & stop dwelling on something, that prob wont happen

maybe like a lot of men he doesn’t like marriage.

But i sense you maybe the type that if he doesn’t want to marry you would leave him.

What pisses me off about woman is they at times only want to get married cause there friends are getting married

fruitandnut

you could be right in some situations that people want to get married cos everyone else is. but if he loves her then wouldn't he want to do what makes her happy! i dont think its the be all and end all but i think it is a commitment to one another, and if one didnt want to i'd wonder why! thats all!
why do men not like marriage????

nevaeh-2die-4

fruitandnut wrote: »

you could be right in some situations that people want to get married cos everyone else is. but if he loves her then wouldn't he want to do what makes her happy! i dont think its the be all and end all but i think it is a commitment to one another, and if one didnt want to i'd wonder why! thats all!
why do men not like marriage????

im with my sweetheart 6+ years and we have a daughter.
I love her so much & she knows that.

(were both 25)

You can’t make someone who doesn’t want to get married have to prove it by getting married.

I have no intention on ever getting married and my gf has respect for me enough not to put me in a compromising position to pressure me for marriage

RealEstateKing

why do men not like marriage, but why are some women so overcome by some stupid fantasy of weddings and cakes, and the whole colossal big waste of money that it entails?

And the reason is social conditioning. This idea that you dont love each other properly until you've exchanged meaningless vows in front of a grown man who is still a virgin and has no idea of the meaning of adult relationships is dead. Its 2008.

Fiona24

Why does he have to ask you to marry him, why cant you ask him??
And how is not talking to him going to help the situation?

nhughes100

The question is do you want to get married or do you want commitment? Like would you be happy with a registry office job with a few witnesses or are you doing this cos you want the white dress and the party? Or would you be happy if he just gave u a long term commitment - ie buy a house together or just tells u he wants to spend the rest of his life with u?

MIN2511

Right, this may get me a ban… but has it occurred to you that he may not want to marry you? Or that you should really evaluate your relationship, and calculate what you want. As women we tend to go “my biological clock is ticking” no it’s fine! There is never the wrong or right time to propose or get married… And please don’t ask him… if he wants to marry you, he should make the move and seeing as he isn’t I think you should cut your losses and move on. There is a man out there that would love you and would appreciate you so be positive. You would go through emotional phases(i.e. if you break up) but then you would find yourself…
No matter what anyone says, if you love someone dearly and passionately and you respect the persons views you would try to compromise to make the person happy.

sam34

fruitandnut wrote: »

but if he loves her then wouldn't he want to do what makes her happy!

thats just emotional blackmail- you could turn it around and say if she really loved him she'd accept that he's willingto commit but doesnt want to marry.

nevaeh-2die-4

MIN2511 wrote: »

Right, this may get me a ban… but has it occurred to you that he may not want to marry you? Or that you should really evaluate your relationship, and calculate what you want. As women we tend to go “my biological clock is ticking” no it’s fine! There is never the wrong or right time to propose or get married… And please don’t ask him… if he wants to marry you, he should make the move and seeing as he isn’t I think you should cut your losses and move on. There is a man out there that would love you and would appreciate you so be positive. You would go through emotional phases(i.e. if you break up) but then you would find yourself…
No matter what anyone says, if you love someone dearly and passionately and you respect the persons views you would try to compromise to make the person happy.

+1

but as i say you cant force someone to marry you & if u dumped him cause he doesnt want to marry u then its evedent that you only wanted to get married & didnt love him as much as "marriage"

barbiegirl

In your heart of hearts are you sure of your love for him and his for you. If you are then talk to him about getting married, more couples than admit talk about it before the proposal. It's not forcing him, it's saying this is what I want and I want it with you, what do you think? If he says yeah but in ten years and you're not happy to wait 10 years for what ever reason such as kiddies etc. then you know you have a problem. If he says I don't want marriage but I do want you and talks you through the whys etc. then you can come to a compromise on the other stuff like legal, inheritance, parental rights etc. This is your future and you MUST be able to talk about it.
If however in your heart of hearts you are not sure and cannot reasonably broach this subject then you have a bigger problem and might want to reconsider either what you will accept or the relationship in general.
You have one life you must consider your own happiness cause if he does not make you truely happy then it's time tp move on cause believe me there is someone out there who will.
Marriage is not the be all and end all unless it is what you want then believe me it is :-) By marriage I mean the committment not the day, the day is the wedding one day, the marriage is for life :-)

LegacyUser

Maybe I'm worring about it too much as some of you said.
I don't care at all about the actual wedding day, dress and all that stuff, its the commitment to eachother and then having children.

I don't really know why I feel the need to be married, perhaps it is some insectuity.
All I know is that its upsetting me everyday .... he knows what I want but prerhaps doesn't want the same (even though he says he does)
we have spoken about it a couple of times at this stage so i'd feel like a fool saying it again.

I'm just going round in circles with this post sorry!


thanks for the replies, they do help provide some comfort

LegacyUser

First off, what age are you? Age seems to be a big factor for men when it comes to settling down. I know someone in that situation and to be frank the girl is a psycho. I know them both very well.

Hes a nice guy, lives day by day, pretty much care free and works hard at the relationship providing for both of them.
Shes a sponge who is only interested in what she wants and doesn't care about how her actions effect other people. She wants to move out, if her boyfriend got another job he could afford it, but she refuses to work herself.
Hes cheated on her a number of times and so has she, but they are together for a few years now and they don't know any better. Single life to them is just to scary, so they both try work on the relationship even tho its a total waste of time.

Hes got no free time at all. She demands it and throws a tantrum anytime he wants to do something with his friends, which btw he doesn't really see much of. He has no social life what so ever outside of the relationship because it doesn't involve her, but her lifestyle is quite the opposite.

I've said it to my boyfriend that i want to get married and have kids. It doesn't mean i want to do it now. A girl can only wait so long and id like to have kids by the time im 33. That gives me a good 6 years, but if it doesn't happen like that... so what?

I know for a fact that this girl wants to marry him and have kids so she can say that he is hers and thats that - even tho hes cheated. Thats most definitely not a reason to get married and have kids. If you want to have a kid to stable a relationship, you need to have your head checked, because that wont do it.