My best friend is in love

LegacyUser

Hi all.

Thanks for reading. I could really do with some feedback on something that has been getting me down lately. Long story short my best friend in the whole world is in love and seems to think nothing else matters anymore.

Im a 20 year old guy and my best mate is the same age. We are 100% close and are as good as brothers. We live together and spend all everyday together. Nothing about our friendship is forced, we genuinely feed off each others buzz and have identical personalities (same sense of humour and so on) There's nothing we havn't told each other and when we need each other we are always there. However over the last 2 months things have gotten a little cold between us. My friend has been seeing this girl for over a year now. Everything was OK up until recently. She never had much time for me and he always put this down to her being shy, which I accepted as I was happy for him. However lately things have become like a battle for his time and attention. When he goes out he stares at his phone all night long, to the point where he barely even speaks. He texts her at least every five minutes and on the hour every hour they ring each other.

I am beginning to think our friendship is over as he no longer seems to have the capacity to consider anything in his life. He has started lying left , right and centre in order to spend time with her. (lying to his boss about being sick, to his housemates about where he is, to me about what he's doing) Its like he recognises that he's so obsessed with her that he lies to pretend he's not to other people, but the signs are pretty obvious. All the fun in our friendship has evapourated. I feel exhausted after we meet up because he spends all his time on the phone. They've apparantly discussed marraige and kids. He spends all his time at her house and she refuses to spend any at his. She wont entertain his friends, and he has befriended all of hers. He rings in sick to work and has dropped out of college and the only time he's free is when she's busy and doesn't want him around.

I know I am ranting but I don't know what to do. I've tried to tell him and he has accepted what I've said but still hasn't changed. He claims she's like 'his heroin addiction'and that he doesn't know what to do. As far as I'm concerned I see no end in sight for this relationship and it bothers me that this is the way it is going to be from now on. I no longer bear any importance in his life. I absolutely love this lad and would do anything for him and it kills me to think that things will stay like this forever.

I miss the fun, the friendhship and the old him. What can I do? Should I just distance myself from him and accept that he's not coming back? Should stay and accept the situation as much as it hurts me? Please don't ge tme wrong, she's not a bad girl by any means but she is very controlling and he is easily manipulated. I accept 100% that she loves him but she seems to want to keep him down i.e. Dropping out of college, loosing his friends etc. It seems to be her way of assuring herself that he needs her and he seems to need her everytime he ditches another aspect of his life.

Im so confused I just feel terrible.

Mixedup

There's nothing you can do really he'll just have to learn the hard way..
that sounds like too intense a relationship not to end in disaster, but sure you could look at it this way, you've seen what can happen to people who go hell for leather into something like that. You wont make that mistake and at the end of the day he's the one missing all the craic you can still live your life!

Just try and go out with your other mates, have loads of fun, you're only 20 you could be out every night of the week, and sooner or later he'll realise he's missing out. Just pay no heed to that kind of behaviour and carry on as you would normally, feck it he's the one acting the maggot, he'll regret it not you!

Oryx

This may be a damaging relationship for your friend, or maybe not, only time really tells with these things. But certainly it sounds like he is obsessive and under a lovesick spell almost. To drop your own life and interests (and friends) for someone else is a mistake, but it happens. Unfortunately as his mate, all you can do is stand by and watch, even if the whole thing seems a car crash to you. You are not in any postion to change your friend's mind, you've already had a word, and he hasn't changed. So he is aware of what he is doing, and is sticking with it.

I know it hurts, and I know it sucks. But you have to just get on with your own life and let him live his, even if it looks messed up to you. All I would say is, that if you are a true friend, I hope that if his relationship does go pear shaped at some point in the future, you will not hold his disregard of you against him, and will help him pick up the pieces.

Bubs101

You should be happy for him first of all. He's your best friend and he seems perfectly happy in his position. He just wants to spend all his time with her so understandably your a little pissed but if he is happy you should be happy for him.

If your genuinely worried about his future (which you sound like you are) you should have a word with the girlfriend.She wants the best for him too but as she hasn't known him for as long as you have she might not know what that is . She obviously has the most influence over him and if he is in love and you're his best friend you're both going to have to make an effort soon. If that fails, rob his phone

Ickle Magoo

It must be gut wrenching but I don't think there is anything else you can do without risking damaging your relationship with him further. You've told him how you feel & he's acknowledged that & carried on regardless. I think you need to pull back & get closer to your other friends.

At various stages throughout my relationships & those of my close friends we get very close & a bit more distant again & so on, I think it's quite a natural progression as you both get into more serious relationships. You can't make him into the friend he was unless that's what he wants to be & unfortunately at the moment (for you), he wants to be with his girl.

Overheal

Thats an awful position OP. Because unfortunately there is very little you can do.

You have to conced that you were never going to be that close forever; room was going to have to made somewhere along the line for life and love and all that jazz.

It sucks that he has chosen to throw himself completely into it but that was his choice: dropping out of college and all that.

If you really don't approve of his decision then you need to try and disapprove of him. It may accelerate his decision making abilities if everything in his old life (like his friends) stop talking to him.

But I've seen this before with my Stepdad: he and his best friend ran their own Cover ban for years and years; then Rusty got a girlfriend, and they got married and had kids, and now they only see eachother a couple times a year. Sometimes theres just nothing you can do - the power of choice is theirs.

Blisterman

To be honest, the infatuation will wear off eventually. Just give it time.
No reason to throw away a good friendship over a girl. Even if he is being kind of a dick about it.

Faith

I have no advice about the situation you describe, but I just wanted to say that I understand how much it sucks when your best friend meets someone. For 14 years, my best friend and I were inseparable, and still are to an extent. However, my moving away to uni coincided with her meeting the love of her life, and while we're still great friends, I do feel like I've lost her now. It's hard getting moved to second place in someones like after being number 1 for so long.

She Devil

it brings back awful memories ... i went throught something very similiar with my best friend. We grew up together, know each other inside out, she lived across the road but spent 5 nights out of the 7 in any week at mine. We went to Uni together we lived there together and when we both got jobs in the same town we moved in together. We got boyfriends etc and still made the greatest effort with each other. BUT then along came a certain guy and ruined it all, she detached herself from our friendship and started picking fights with me just so she could spend time with him.
Shortly after she told somebody she was moving out i heard it and confronted her. The next day she moved out. I was distraught. It was worse than breaking up with a boyfriend.
My advice to you OP is have fun with your other mates,let your friend know of your plans etc .. if he choses to ignore them tell him you are sick of inviting him and he knows your number if not.
Don't throw away the friendship just dont dwell on it too much ...
He will be jealous of yer carefree life soon enough .. and will wonder how come others can have relationships AND friends ...

RedXIV

lol this sounds like me a few years ago OP, except situations reversed. All my friends knew i was into this girl big time and they all laughed and joked about it until i finally started going out with her. And i literally threw everything else aside and concentrated on her. My best mate at the time was pretty annoyed that i kept ducking out of all out plans and eventually just told me
"When things F**k up in that relationship, we'll go back to normal, till then you organise when YOU want to catch up with ME"
and i heard nothing from him for a good while. Right up until i got dumped by said girl. And when i told him he said one word, "pub". typical irish
We been best mates since and no woman has come between us since!!

Beruthiel

Dissapointed wrote: »

I am beginning to think our friendship is over as he no longer seems to have the capacity to consider anything in his life. He has started lying left , right and centre in order to spend time with her. (lying to his boss about being sick, to his housemates about where he is, to me about what he's doing) Its like he recognises that he's so obsessed with her that he lies to pretend he's not to other people, but the signs are pretty obvious. All the fun in our friendship has evapourated. I feel exhausted after we meet up because he spends all his time on the phone. They've apparantly discussed marraige and kids. He spends all his time at her house and she refuses to spend any at his. She wont entertain his friends, and he has befriended all of hers. He rings in sick to work and has dropped out of college and the only time he's free is when she's busy and doesn't want him around.

His head is up his arse.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that, if you say anything, most likely you'll suffer for it.
A time will probably come when he'll look back at his behaviour and regret the stupidity, this realisation will have to come of it's own accord.

My advice to you is carry on with your own life, get yourself some other friends.
It's never a good idea in life to put all your eggs in one basket, as everyone gets older its natural for people to move on and do other things. It's a sad fact at times but find something else to do with your time.

If he's smart, one day he'll cop on and come looking for his friends only to realise he let them go. That's not something most people do twice if they learn anything along the way.

MIN2511

Hello there,

I completely identify with your situation. My best friend and I had the same issue, and it wore us down. Now we are ‘friends’ no more best friend because she’s in a relationship e.t.c
The only advice anyone here can give you is to reduce your emotional attachment (very hard) and try to move on. Just find other activities that doesn’t involve him, ye would always be friends and if the relationship with her continues-good luck to them and if it doesn’t he would always be your friend.

Irishcrx

Nothing you can do man, he'll have to go through this himself. I have the exact same thing with my friend/housemate used to be one of the lads etc got his girlfriend and we never ever see him, just sits in his room , lies, makes up excuses even missed my 21'st birthday...yesturday she went back to spain for 2 months and guess who's back but to be honest we were all so ticked off at him he was getting the cold shoulder cause when she gets back he'll be gone again.

Elessar

Relationships can do terrible things to friendships. I sympathise with you. Love is like an addiction, even though you know sometimes it can be bad for you, you do anything for it anyway.

Try to get on with your life as normal and maybe once this relationship ends (from the sounds of it, it will) he will realise the error of his ways. But people change, things change and as they say, all good things come to an end.

Sam Vimes

Dissapointed wrote: »

When he goes out he stares at his phone all night long, to the point where he barely even speaks. He texts her at least every five minutes and on the hour every hour they ring each other.

that's just rude tbh. when i first started going out with my gf she'd text me when i was out with my mates and then get annoyed when i wouldn't text back.

i explained to her that it was rude to spend the whole time texting someone when you're out with someone else and she stopped. you should tell your mate the same

i-digress

Same as everyone has already said. I think he knows he's doing wrong, and being an arse. Comparing her to an addiction sounds like a way to absolve himself of all responsibility for being said arse though. It's a tough learning curve, I feel for you.

Bottle_of_Smoke

People are like this. What goes up usually comes down. I'm 3 years older & have seen these type of relationships swamp people. None of them are still together though.

Try your best not to ruin friendship with friend.

annie19

there realtionship sounds so intense that its like a pressure cooker.
he will be back unless he is an absoulte FOOL. it may take a while.
in the meantime concentrate on ur own exams work etc. he will see the light!

seahorse

Personally OP I think you should stop concerning yourself with what's going on in this bloke’s life. Yes he's your friend but he is also an autonomous person and his choices regarding his education and relationships are exactly that - his choices. Foolish they may be, but that's actually irrelevant; it's his right to make his own decisions, misguided or otherwise.

You say his partner is manipulative, but arent you trying to manipulate his decisions to suit what you think they ought to be? He hasn’t responded to your attempts to influence him precisely because he doesn’t want to and you're just going to have to accept that. I can’t imagine myself exhibiting the behaviours you've described in your friend, but I can’t imagine myself responding compliantly to a friend trying to control my life either.