Opinion, Am I right or wrong?

personaltrainer

OK going to shorten this dwn as much as I can,
basically I live with my boyfriend, I'm a student and work part time and he works full time. When I have a day off I always have food ready for him, house clean the usual. Yesterday he had a day off which was unusual it been a monday, I was in college from 9-5 and when I came home the house was a mess, bed not made and he expected me to cook dinner!! Am I wrong giving out crap to him??????:eek:

LadyE

personaltrainer wrote: »

OK going to shorten this dwn as much as I can,
basically I live with my boyfriend, I'm a student and work part time and he works full time. When I have a day off I always have food ready for him, house clean the usual. Yesterday he had a day off which was unusual it been a monday, I was in college from 9-5 and when I came home the house was a mess, bed not made and he expected me to cook dinner!! Am I wrong giving out crap to him??????:eek:

Not wrong at all! Thing is, men need these thing spelt out to them. Hopefully (!) it wont happen again now that you have said it!

Oryx

Nope you are not wrong. You need to train men you see, this kind of thing does not come naturally.

Eh, good luck with it though.

red_ice

No your totally wrong.

the chap works fulltime - a day off from the usual 9-5 be it an office job or working in construction is well deserved and should be taken advantage of. Your a student. 9/10 times You go to college and have very easy hours. My course is hektic and i still have time to do a/b/c. You work part time - fair play, but its still not the same thing day in day out like what your bf does.

To be blunt, your being selfish. Ok, the dinner thing, that was a tad crap on his behalf, but have a little consideration for the fact that he had a day off (which you said was unusual), let him have his cake and eat it for once.

Granted you work part time, but him working fulltime gives me the impression he is paying the majority of the bills that keep the both of you going on a daily basis.

If you want equal share of house work, quit college and work fulltime, then i rekon you have an arguement.

Cathmandooo

Disagree with Red Ice there. While I wouldnt expect him to have spent the day cleaning, in fairness we all deserve a day off, he could have at least put the dinner on or organised a take away. He has an awful cheek to expect you to come home and cook for him. You're in college and have a part time job, that's a fair bit on your plate.

He was selfish to expect you to make dinner. You were right to give out.

ztoical

red_ice wrote: »

No your totally wrong.

the chap works fulltime - a day off from the usual 9-5 be it an office job or working in construction is well deserved and should be taken advantage of. Your a student. 9/10 times You go to college and have very easy hours. My course is hektic and i still have time to do a/b/c. You work part time - fair play, but its still not the same thing day in day out like what your bf does.

To be blunt, your being selfish. Ok, the dinner thing, that was a tad crap on his behalf, but have a little consideration for the fact that he had a day off (which you said was unusual), let him have his cake and eat it for once.

Granted you work part time, but him working fulltime gives me the impression he is paying the majority of the bills that keep the both of you going on a daily basis.

If you want equal share of house work, quit college and work fulltime, then i rekon you have an arguement.

rubbish you don't know what she is doing in college, what work she's doing part time and how far she has to travel for either or how what type of work her boyfriend is doing or how far he has to travel. I know when I was in college doing animation that is a full on course your in class from 9 till 6 everyday and then stay late till near 10 to use the equipment then I had an hour bus ride to get home. I worked in huston station which was a 30min walk and I worked 12 hour shifts on saturday and sunday. My boyfriend I was living with worked full time in a shop 10 to 5.30 monday to friday that was a 10 min walk from the apartment. No way was I doing all the house work and cooking just cus he worked full time.

We paid the rent and bills equally even thou I worked less hours and by damn the house work was going to be split equally.

red_ice

Cathooo wrote: »

Disagree with Red Ice there. While I wouldnt expect him to have spent the day cleaning, in fairness we all deserve a day off, he could have at least put the dinner on or organised a take away. He has an awful cheek to expect you to come home and cook for him. You're in college and have a part time job, that's a fair bit on your plate.

He was selfish to expect you to make dinner. You were right to give out.

Thats what i said, it was definitly crap of him to expect that. Without a doubt!

ztoical wrote: »

rubbish you don't know what she is doing in college, what work she's doing part time and how far she has to travel for either or how what type of work her boyfriend is doing or how far he has to travel. I know when I was in college doing animation that is a full on course your in class from 9 till 6 everyday and then stay late till near 10 to use the equipment then I had an hour bus ride to get home. I worked in huston station which was a 30min walk and I worked 12 hour shifts on saturday and sunday. My boyfriend I was living with worked full time in a shop 10 to 5.30 monday to friday that was a 10 min walk from the apartment. No way was I doing all the house work and cooking just cus he worked full time.

We paid the rent and bills equally even thou I worked less hours and by damn the house work was going to be split equally.

i think you need to rephrase that to 'you dont know what HES doing in work'. You go girlfriend. Its typical of girls to over react to crap like this and you imo are putting my point straight. Fair play to you for what you did while you did animation. i know loads of animators, all of which had the 9-6 time line - but i rekon your leaving out the hours you have in between your time in college.

If she put forward an arguement that included your college timetable - she would have a point, but alas she didnt, she said that she has time to do that usually, but the one time he has a day off he is expected to do it all. They might split the chores, or what ever, maybe he expected that to be the same, which imo is still fair. Girls are more considerate by nature, men arent - if you want to 'train' your man, your forcing him to be somehting hes not, which makes you a terrible girlfriend.

Sorry, that cookie doesnt crumble for me!

Seems to me that sisters are doin it for themselves in this forum.

ztoical

red_ice wrote: »

i know loads of animators, all of which had the 9-6 time line - but i rekon your leaving out the hours you have in between your time in college.

I'm sorry what animators do you know the work 9 to 6? I just finished on a feature film and everyone was working 15 - 16 hour days 6 days a week cept the heads up of course who were pulling 7 day weeks.

And what hours in between college are you taking about - up at 7.30 to walk to bus stop for 8 to sit in ****ty dublin traffic to arrive at college just before 9. Class from 9 till 6 monday through friday with 30 mins for lunch at one and pretty much everyone stayed till 10pm cus you needed access to the animation equipment in the college. Another hour to get home, hopefully have time to pick up food on the way - get home work on freelance illustration work to bring some extra cash and then maybe some down time online or in front of tv before bed. Saturday and sunday in work at 6am till 7pm. I worked my bloody ass off while boyfriend called in sick half the time and went through 6 jobs while I knew him [hence why he is ex boyfriend] I went into shock when I moved to New york and only had to attend five 3 hour classes a week, I didn't know what to do with myself with so much free time.

OP are you contributing towards the rent and bills?

tbh

yes you were right. The phrase you are looking for is "Mutual Respect".

Pigletlover

I say you were right, in fairness it probably wouldn't have been fair to expect him to clean the whole house AND make your dinner on his day off, but he should have made some effort to do something to lighten your load. I do all the cooking and ironing and most of the other housework. Between travelling and working my boyfriend and I work roughly the same hours (close to 12 a day :eek:), but I know that he works a lot harder than I do, so I think it's only fair that I do more when I get home, plus I'll know it's done right. But, sometimes my boyfriend gets home a bit earlier and he'll put on a load of washing, empty the diswasher, tidy the kitchen/bedroom/wherever, little jobs like that and I really appreciate it.

Ickle Magoo

Is it a common occurrence? If he rarely has a day off & slobs then I'd let it go. We all feel like having a day off the daily drudgery & slobbing around from time to time, I think it's good for the soul. :cool:

However, expecting you to do anything he is well able to do himself is just not on but maybe he just didn't phrase it very well. The best thing would have been to say he couldn't be bothered cooking, why doesn't he order out - much better than asking you to cook!

If you've already gone ballistic at him then I'd say he's not going to make that mistake again in a hurry but it might be worth letting him know that it's ok to slob or request a change in the rota from time to time, you just didn't fancy making dinner either. It's good to keep redefining or clarifying your boundaries within a relationship but tbh, "giving out crap to him" isn't the best way of achieving this.

the GALL

Your right. He had a day off so what it take's 1/2 hours max and I mean max to clean a house if it's been done everyday like you said, tomorrow dont make the dinner or the bed and go work on your college stuff see how long it take's him to blow a gasket ....In my house whoever is home first gets a start on the chore's that have to be done which is only fair as another poster said 'mutual respect'.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Cathooo wrote: »

While I wouldnt expect him to have spent the day cleaning, in fairness we all deserve a day off, he could have at least put the dinner on or organised a take away. He has an awful cheek to expect you to come home and cook for him. You're in college and have a part time job, that's a fair bit on your plate.

He was selfish to expect you to make dinner. You were right to give out.

Agreed

red_ice

ztoical wrote: »

I'm sorry what animators do you know the work 9 to 6? I just finished on a feature film and everyone was working 15 - 16 hour days 6 days a week cept the heads up of course who were pulling 7 day weeks.

Are you even paying attention to what your saying? 9-6 in COLLEGE, your completely missing the point - and i've already said that.. typical, its like talking to a brick wall with some people.

ztoical wrote: »

And what hours in between college are you taking about - up at 7.30 to walk to bus stop for 8 to sit in ****ty dublin traffic to arrive at college just before 9. Class from 9 till 6 monday through friday with 30 mins for lunch at one and pretty much everyone stayed till 10pm cus you needed access to the animation equipment in the college. Another hour to get home, hopefully have time to pick up food on the way - get home work on freelance illustration work to bring some extra cash and then maybe some down time online or in front of tv before bed. Saturday and sunday in work at 6am till 7pm. I worked my bloody ass off while boyfriend called in sick half the time and went through 6 jobs while I knew him [hence why he is ex boyfriend] I went into shock when I moved to New york and only had to attend five 3 hour classes a week, I didn't know what to do with myself with so much free time.

Boo hoo. Welcome to the real world.

ztoical wrote: »

OP are you contributing towards the rent and bills?

Thats something you should have bothered asking before you got up on your high horse. If she is expecting this arguement to tip in her favour she would want to be paying a cut of the bills.

And ill say it again - for him to expect you to do that stuff when you come home is wrong, but for him to be expected to do all that on his day off is also wrong. I dont think he expects you to clean and cook on your day off, maybe the cook part, but i doubt the both. In a relationship the pendulum swings both ways. Take this post to the beer belly forum or what ever and i bet you will get a totally different response. Imo, im being fair with the given details.

Your boyfriend isn't a H-mod is he?

Predhead

Forget about what he did or didn't do and what she does etc..


..bottom line: The guy is entitled to a day off and to do absolutely nothing if he so wishes! Maybe, maybe he should've made an effort with the food and the OP shouldn't have to ask but maybe she could've in a nice way too..everyone wins. Why is this even an issue?!

Oryx

typical, its like talking to a brick wall with some people.

Boo hoo. Welcome to the real world.

Jaysis red_ice.:) Why the hostility? Were all giving opinion here, no need to get het up about it. Tis only t'internet.

No your totally wrong

If she is expecting this arguement to tip in her favour she would want to be paying a cut of the bills.

The op hasnt even come back to elaborate on the time/work/hours situation or who pays what in the house. So not 100% fair given the details.

DetectivFoxtrot

Moonbaby wrote: »

Your boyfriend isn't a H-mod is he?

LOL:D

Red Ice you're mad aggressive! Remind me not to get into an arguement with you!:eek:

ChewChew

red_ice wrote: »

Imo, im being fair with the given details.

Have you noticed your the only one with this 'opinion'?? You very clearly lack a huge amount of respect. Not only for others,but also for yourself.


OP, to a point you are not wrong. But, to a point you are. He should have had enough respect for you too make the bed and clean the room. But he shouldnt have disrespected you by expecting you to cook. Yes he deserves a day off, but in 5 minutes he'd have had the bed made and the bedroom tidied. Thats no biggy!!

Ruthee

I agree with the original poster too..id be hugely pissed off..it dosent take that long to make the bed and do a quick tidy up..I mean if the OP didnt do it everyday then perhaps fair enough,why should he, but the fact that she does it all the time,could he not have at least done it for one day? Its ignorant and arrogant to think that he should be waited on hand and foot.

OP,dont do a bloody tap for him over the next wk-see how he gets on..i tell ya Irish Mammies have a lot to answer for..

ztoical

red_ice wrote: »

Are you even paying attention to what your saying? 9-6 in COLLEGE, your completely missing the point - and i've already said that.. typical, its like talking to a brick wall with some people.

Fine lets back track then what animators do you know that did 9-6 in college? not ones that planned to work in the industry thats for sure as you need to putting in those hours and a hell of alot more to be getting anywhere.

red_ice wrote: »

Boo hoo. Welcome to the real world.

Did I ever bitch about the work? Nope I loved ever minute of it. Bitched about the boyfriend alright as he was a lazy **** but its all good as I got a much better one.

red_ice wrote: »

Thats something you should have bothered asking before you got up on your high horse. If she is expecting this arguement to tip in her favour she would want to be paying a cut of the bills.

Gee take a bit of your own advice why don't you. Why is it ok for you to get on your high horse with only half the facts but not anyone else?

Dragan

Yeah he should have done some work around the house.

Giving out to him is a bit much though, your not his Mum. First strike is normally an exasperated "it wouldn't hurt you to help about the house on your day off."

Pherekydes

You are right. Boys need to be trained. That's how they become men. A guy who does nothing at home on his day off is a boy, plain and simple. It doesn't come natural to us, so a gentle (cattle) prod in the right direction is what's needed, not a moanfest.

Loopy

But we all love a moanfest at times..

I think you were right Op to be annoyed. How come women can blitz the place in an hour and then relax. Of course, he's entitled to chill on his day off but it takes very little time to get your few chores done and then do whatever you like.

personaltrainer

I'm in college 9-5 in my final year doing my thesis at d moment! I work 2 evenings a week from 6-11 as a gym instructor and I work 8 hour shifts sat and sunday. I have to do this as all our bills are halfed and rent. my boyfriend works 9-5 mon till fri in an office across d rd. I jst feel that it wasnt fair!!!!

Jules

It was unfair but as said giving out to him might be the wrong approach. If you pay half the rent he should do half the house work. But it would be a wonderful world if this actually happened.

Seraphina

so going mad at him probably wasn't the best idea, but yeah it wouldn't have killed him to do some stuff around the house on his day off.

you say him having monday off is unusual, and everyone else seems to take this as 'he never has days off' rather than what i assumed to be 'he usually only has saturday and sunday off...'

you obviously do everything around the house, and he's come to expect it. so maybe he works full time? last time i checked, full time university and part time work generally meant more hours than full time work, because university work doesn't stop after class.

you should start doing less and less on your days off. why not take the time to relax and do nothing like he did! he'll soon appreciate the amount of stuff you do around the house. don't have dinner done for him every day, as he seems to be treating you like his mammy now, which is just not on.

best approach? i'd say apologise for shouting at him or going mad or whatever you did, but say you think it was really unfair of him to expect you to cook dinner when you'd gotten home from an 8 hour day at college, and he had a day off. say you'd like him to try and help a bit more because you find it hard to juggle uni/coursework/part time work/and being his mother when you get home.

King of Kings

OP - i think you were wrong to lay into him.

the chap had 1 random day off -he is entitled to laze, it would be different if he had a regular day off and did nothing - but a once off needs to be enjoyed.

if he is constantly a slob - then you have a different issue

chillax - and don't let your nagging ruin his day of playstation ,porn and dominios (cos they deliver from midday!)

DD

tbh wrote: »

yes you were right. The phrase you are looking for is "Mutual Respect".

I agree!!! I think he said it very good. Lack of education or respect are very bad.

astrofool

Your partner was wrong to expect dinner be cooked, the lazing about and doing nothing should not be begrudged.

However, presuming he works 9-5, and you go to college 9-5, and do a part time job, then you should share house jobs equally in general (if not him do more), but, I reckon you're exaggerating your college hours, otherwise, a situation like this would have blown up long ago.

Dudess

Predhead wrote: »

The guy is entitled to a day off and to do absolutely nothing if he so wishes!

If you've a day off - male or female, student or employee, boyfriend/girlfriend or flatmate - and you've an arrangement where whoever's in the house earliest cooks the dinner, you might not be expected to clean the house from top to bottom but you damn well don't have the place in a mess and you put on a bit of dinner. It's really crap to come in and find the person who's been there already for ages sitting in a messy living-room/kitchen.

RedXIV

i can see where you're coming from OP, but sometimes a lazy day just is what the doc ordered. I went through a horrible phase a few years ago where i was working 12+ hours a day, seven days a week and still used to come home and cook for myself and housemates that wanted food.

And one day i had off i enjoyed lazing about so much that i think it actually offended the girl living with me and she snapped, roaring i should have had the house spotless. Now if the bf does his fair share of chores on sat and sun and then gets monday off, don't go mental at him. everyone likes a lazy day.

Now saying that, if he does nothing ANY day he's off, including sat and sun, that needs sorting out

Reku

personaltrainer wrote: »

OK going to shorten this dwn as much as I can,
basically I live with my boyfriend, I'm a student and work part time and he works full time. When I have a day off I always have food ready for him, house clean the usual. Yesterday he had a day off which was unusual it been a monday, I was in college from 9-5 and when I came home the house was a mess, bed not made and he expected me to cook dinner!! Am I wrong giving out crap to him??????:eek:

I'd say you were well justified. Was he at least doing some DIY and making himself useful or was it all just a bum about the house day? That he hadn't even made the bed is just :eek:, it takes all of 2-3 minutes FFS! Clearly he shouldn't have to spend the entire day making the house immaculate but he should at least make some effort and clear up after himself, you're not his hired help and he needs to remember this.

I don't live with my OH but I expect the dishes to be done at least a couple of times a week and fresh towels bedlinen at his, and if I've had a ****ty day he cooks for me whether he's had a day off or not, and it is vice versa.

He'll put on a wash when he gets home and I'll fold it when it comes out the washer dryer.
Its compromise and its only recently (when I've been there sometimes 5 nights a week) that I've even started to help out with washing but I felt guilty. I swore to myself I wouldn't lift a hand in a man's place unless I was ever living with him but I just moved house a few months ago and I like my new place and I work ten mins from my house too

tbh

Deleted User wrote: »

He'll put on a wash when he gets home and I'll fold it when it comes out the washer dryer.

Whhuuuuttt-TISH!!!

MattKid

With hand on heart I wouldn't have expected dinner cooked for me, but a quick brief of what needed doing would have been needed for me to do housework. Men / boys do have that natural ability not to notice these things by ourselves.

Girls, GTA4 comes out at the end of the month, do you think we are going to be doing anything else with our spare time:D

stovelid

I'm in charge of hunter-gathering and defense in my house, so I would naturally object to doing housework on my day off.

the GALL

well at least you'll know what your in for if you'se get married:eek:.....start as you mean to go on and all that.

The Sweeper

OP here's the rub - blokes should do their share of the housework at the weekends if you both work full time. End of story.

However, an unexpected day off - I wouldn't blame him for doing no cleaning up, but expecting to be fed and waiting until you got in for that was just crap. Even if he just rang you and said 'Shall I pick up takeaway'.

Saying that, I'm 100% more likely to fill my unexpected day off with house chores than my partner is.

personaltrainer

i understand that he's entitled to a day off, obviously everyone is....but hes off every saturday and sunday. We generally get take away r something easy as I never expect him to cook then or clean then. But when I was away all day (for some who think my course is easy etc...I'm doing law in trinity) I though or half expected, which i was wrong to, at least put some food on!!

Dragan

personaltrainer wrote: »

i understand that he's entitled to a day off, obviously everyone is....but hes off every saturday and sunday. We generally get take away r something easy as I never expect him to cook then or clean then. But when I was away all day (for some who think my course is easy etc...I'm doing law in trinity) I though or half expected, which i was wrong to, at least put some food on!!

And i still maintain you were right to expect a degree of effort on his behave, but as i said losing the plot with him was a bit pointless. An adult couple should be able to communicate clearly and only need to resort to shouting occassionally!

marti101

just out of interest who decorates and changes the pluggs and things like that if you do your share 50/50 then he should do more housework but if he does it then thats his contribution to the housework.Plus splitting housework50/50 doesnt work your better concentrating on the stuff your good at ie washing cooking and leaving yourman to do his stuff plugs sweeping etcetc.I know cause my fella is better at cleaning than me but i wash cook and that so its a partnership

stovelid

Have to admit that I detest (and am crap at) cooking, so in the OPs case, I'd ring in some nice Thai or Indian. That way, I find that the food thing doesn't cause conflict.

ztoical

marti101 wrote: »

just out of interest who decorates and changes the pluggs and things like that if you do your share 50/50 then he should do more housework but if he does it then thats his contribution to the housework.Plus splitting housework50/50 doesnt work your better concentrating on the stuff your good at ie washing cooking and leaving yourman to do his stuff plugs sweeping etcetc.I know cause my fella is better at cleaning than me but i wash cook and that so its a partnership

just cus your a man or woman doesn't mean your automatically better at doing housework or DIY. I know my brother wouldn't know one end of a harmer from the other. I do all my own DIY - re-wire plugs, hang pictures, fix the boiler etc I lived with a guy once who couldn't even connect the DVD player to the tv. Plus basic housework ie cleaning up after yourself isn't rocket science - lots of fellas live on their own and mange not to live in their own flith, just cus he starts living with someone doesn't mean he can start leaving all the cleaning to them. Sure theres guys out there that go from living with mammy to living with girlfriend and never have to do their own washing or iron their clothes but most of my male friends are well able to look after themselves and their living space with or without girlfriend.

There's always a few little bits to do cleaning wise round a house [and if you do 5 mins everyday the place will stay clean and you'll have to do a major clean every other week] but how much DIY do you seriously need to do on a weekly basis? I haven't had to change a plug or light in my place in ages.

Dudess

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

However, an unexpected day off - I wouldn't blame him for doing no cleaning up, but expecting to be fed and waiting until you got in for that was just crap. Even if he just rang you and said 'Shall I pick up takeaway'.

I'd be even more pissed off about the housework to be honest. Arriving home to a mess is just soul destroying (well I think it is anyway). Sure, on an unexpected day off he shouldn't feel obliged to scour the place with a toothbrush, but a quick runover of the kitchen and living room - i.e. putting things away, doing the wash-up, running a cloth over the table and worktops, a quick sweep/hoover - would take about 40 minutes.

marti101

ztoical wrote: »

just cus your a man or woman doesn't mean your automatically better at doing housework or DIY. I know my brother wouldn't know one end of a harmer from the other. I do all my own DIY - re-wire plugs, hang pictures, fix the boiler etc I lived with a guy once who couldn't even connect the DVD player to the tv. Plus basic housework ie cleaning up after yourself isn't rocket science - lots of fellas live on their own and mange not to live in their own flith, just cus he starts living with someone doesn't mean he can start leaving all the cleaning to them. Sure theres guys out there that go from living with mammy to living with girlfriend and never have to do their own washing or iron their clothes but most of my male friends are well able to look after themselves and their living space with or without girlfriend.

There's always a few little bits to do cleaning wise round a house [and if you do 5 mins everyday the place will stay clean and you'll have to do a major clean every other week] but how much DIY do you seriously need to do on a weekly basis? I haven't had to change a plug or light in my place in ages.

what i meant was everybody brings something different to a relationship so i think if they do the majority of decorating why cant you do the housework and im not implying she cant change a plugor that men are incapable of cleaning up after themselves .They have to learn themselves which way to do the housework how bout a roster