My Boyf hates the phrase ''I love you''

AshTrollyDolly

Hi,

If anyone can give me some advice on this...id love some thanks! Myself and my boyfriend have been with eachother on and off for 2years now but more seriously and officially for the past 4months. He is a great guy, one of my best friends, have such a laugh etc.. The other night, a big gang of us were out for a drink and he said something stupid, and I said to everyone, oh he is in the bad books now { JOKING }. A friend of mine laughed and said '' just say u love her and it will be fine''. Now my boyfriend was quite drunk at this stage and said...'' I hate that phrase..i never say it!''... I was completely shocked! So basically means that I will never be told he loved me... even tho he constantly says, '' my family love u '' the most i get outta him is I miss you.... i mean cop on!

Sorry about the long thread...any advice?

Thanks!

LegacyUser

as a guy I think i can relate to him, its just so tacky and i think all those chick flick movies, dawson creeks, the OCs have probably put us off it. Saying something like that really shouldnt be your concern, all it is is a few words, believe me if he loves you im sure he shows you in many different ways without having to say it.

If its any consolation ,I know i have been in love, but I dont think ive ever spurted those words. Im sure if you get married some day he will tell you but then you'll already know it.
there just words

Teddi

Hey OP....

for starters, its not as bad as you think......

for one, he was pissed, and you make a point of mentioning that ..so im assuming theres a small thread of hope inyourself that you think that he didnt really mean it?

Im sure he didnt...but its a bit juvenile of him to think that even though he is in love with you (I take it) that he doesnt have the balls to say it?

that might be worth sitting down with him and asking straight out...is he an insecure person?...

just being devils advocate here..but maybe he doesnt love you?...harsh and all that it might sound....but if I didnt love someone...i wouldnt just say for the sake of saying it just to make the other person happy?

just things to think about...

just sit down with him and have a lil one on one..im sure its not as bad as you think it is...


teddi

Overheal

Teddi has some good points. It is possible after all that he does not. Do you love him?

Personally I think you will find a lot of people, men and women, that hate the phrase. Very often it loses its meaning. I would never say so for instance, unless I was damn sure of it.

nkay1985

In today's culture I agree that that phrase is overused, and devalued. I can't remember how long I was going out with my girlfriend before I said it, but I made sure I meant it!!! That was probably six years ago and we just got engaged at the weekend.

So, perhaps your bf has the same opinions as I do. He doesn't hate the phrase but hates that it's been devalued (and certainly would be if it were used in the instance mentioned - as a "forgive me"). I think it's likely to be this or the fact that he's insecure and/or has had some bad experiences with "love", either himself, or in a family setting.

Wibbs

I agree with the other posters. Personally i would want someone to show they love me rather than just say they do. Life isn't a romcom movie script (If it is btw I demand a rewrite!! ).

Beruthiel

You know someone loves you by the way they behave towards you, not what they say.
Actions speak louder than words.

Marksie

One can mouth the words by rote and not mean them. I do express sentiments and mean them, but it isnt the same for everyone.

As other posters have said, it is how he treats you that is important. You can usually tell in the small things rather than big gestures, as they are ongoing and more meaningful. in fact i would usually guage the state of a realtionship when thngs are not being said..the "comfortable silences" that exists between couples when nothing is required to fill the void.

You have to consider this was an environment not conducive to such sentiments, i.e drink taken and company which had him on the spot with all attention focussed on him. Dont read too much into it at all other than perhaps a reaction to embarrassment

Nevyn

Those are 3 of the most trite overused words in the english language and esp loaded in a 'romantic' relationship.

What is with the pressure to use those words ?
Why do people need to say them ?
The utterance of them are not going to magically change the status quo in a relationship
and tbh you should be glad your bf would rather deal with the issue ( what ever it was ) then try and patronise you with platitudes and terms of false endearment.

It takes a long time to get to know a person and until you do know them inside and out then you can love them for in the mean time you are in love with the idea or perception of them and not who they are in truth and the effect that they have on you

Ickle Magoo

If & when a guy falls completely head over heels in love with you then he'll most likely have no problem in saying how he feels. Until you have a guy who is actually in love with you, there is no point in even wanting to hear that phrase.

4 months of serious relationship after 2yrs of on & off is a very, very, short time & I'm not surprised he balked at the idea of declaring love.

Gumbyman

Actions speak far louder than words. If you are insecure about it then do ask him as previously suggested, and see what you can guage from his reaction. Congrats to NK1985 by the way!

Drift

Look at his actions OP. It's very easy to tell if someone loves you by the things they do for you. It's early days yet but you will know if he's in love with you in the future even if he doesn't say it.

Also I completely agree that Dawson's Creek and all them other bullsh1t programmes have devalued the words "I love you" to a degree where saying them is almost at odds with what love really is.

chuci

dont you know by the way he acts towards you?does he have to say it at all really? maybe you should sit him down tell him how you feel( do you love him even)? its only been four months its really not that long.

valleyoftheunos

I'd say he was probably just embarassed infront of his mates.

Some guys have problems understanding their emotions and expressing them can be even tougher.

Loomis

Two terms used so often that they're losing meaning are "I love you" and "I hate you".
Personally I never use the second one because the word hate is just as strong as love but people throw it around like the word 'nice' to describe something. It's stupid.
He may have just been hammered and wanted to act hard in front of the gang. He may not love you and the comment stung and made him think a bit? He may be in love with you and it stung that he can't say it - some people find it hard to express themselves this way. Could be a load of reasons why he said it like that so you're better off just asking what him.

John Mason

Beruthiel wrote: »

You know someone loves you by the way they behave towards you, not what they say.
Actions speak louder than words.

jaysis, people use the "i love words" at the drop of hat they dont mean a thing and kinda hate hearing them myself unless they are used very sparingly and when the situation warrents it and definately not front of a load of people

nevaeh-2die-4

maybe ur saying it to often like when u went on ur first date and u said i dont want to put u off but I LOVE YOU.

Eric Cartman

those words scare the sh1t out of me, would never say them to a girl,

nkay1985

Gumbyman wrote: »

Actions speak far louder than words. If you are insecure about it then do ask him as previously suggested, and see what you can guage from his reaction. Congrats to NK1985 by the way!

TY Gumbyman. OP, having asked the question and gotten what I feel are a number of good responses, what do you think???

RedXIV

The words mean different things to different people. For example, alot of guys here hate saying it. I, on the other hand, have no problem saying it but as a result, it's value is near to non-existant. I pop it out when ever people get me a drink for god's sake But thats just me.

As any girl who's every gone out with me could tell you, i can be eloquent to the point of soppy romance novel, but if i'm REALLY falling for ya, you'll see it in 1000 small ways that don't need words.

OP, don't set store by the phrase. actions always speak louder than words

Congrats nkay1985!

AshTrollyDolly

Hey guys..

thanks for all the responses... I think maybe I was over reacting, and read too much into things... I do totally agree that those 3 words are totally over used and believe me, I hate all that lovey dovey hollywood stuff.... I think that they should only be said when the person totally means it. < I sound like i am totally contradicting myself from my previous post >... I just think the problem with him is that he finds it very hard to open up... I mean, he goes to say stuff to me and then stops mid way and says it doesnt matter.... which wrecks my head...but, I realise, that whatever he wants to say, he will say when he is ready.

He told me that I am the first girl he has been with since his last relationship a few years ago, which ended really badly and that it takes alot for him to be in a relationship....

Thanks again for the posts....Oh and congrats NK1985!!!!

AshTrollyDolly

nevaeh-2die-4 wrote: »

maybe ur saying it to often like when u went on ur first date and u said i dont want to put u off but I LOVE YOU.

Appreciate your input, but really, there is no need to be an aSs about it!

minidazzler

I tell everyone who I mean it to that I love them but then again I love alot of people. It does kinda sound so overused by now!

telling someone you are IN love with them is alot different in My opinion.

If he is your Best-friend then I assume he loves you.

Why are words so important in relation to this? It can usually be assumed!

Overheal

RedXIV wrote: »

The words mean different things to different people. For example, alot of guys here hate saying it. I, on the other hand, have no problem saying it but as a result, it's value is near to non-existant. I pop it out when ever people get me a drink for god's sake But thats just me.

As any girl who's every gone out with me could tell you, i can be eloquent to the point of soppy romance novel, but if i'm REALLY falling for ya, you'll see it in 1000 small ways that don't need words.

OP, don't set store by the phrase. actions always speak louder than words

Congrats nkay1985!

That clears up a lot. Sometimes I had to wonder if you were gay for me or something :pac:

Couldnt agree more though: even if we dont say, cant say it; the truth is everywhere. OP you must be able to notice some of the finer things that your boy does for you? I know some marriages that have gone 30 years or so and they'll/he'll rarely ever say it to her. That doesnt make them any less in love. Or you know, your parents. My Dad never says it and I'd be terrified if he did but its there somewhere :eek:

more congrats to nkay

Marksie

AshTrollyDolly: Please read the charter. Attack the post not the poster

neuro-praxis

I actually think it is an underused phrase.

I make a point, from time to time, of verbally expressing "I love you" to each of my good friends, my family members and (more regularly) my husband.

There are times when, although you know it deep down, it is really, really great to hear it. Especially times of sorrow, when people gather round and tell you that you're loved - it's just like a warm blanket.

Irishcrx

I hate the way the phrase has become so meaningless, I would never say it unless I was absulutly sure about it and even at that I don't mouth it to often.

junior_apollo

Heya, I know this is going against the flow here... :eek:

But I make a point of saying it to my gf every morning before we head out to work, and will typically say it once or twice during the day to her which includes usually as we are going asleep again... we've been together almost a year now and its been like that since 3/4 weeks into the relationship...

I understand some people get embarrassed infront of friends etc... and I know what everyone is saying about it being overused.. but it can be used constantly (as i've said above) and still retain its meaning...

As i know everytime I or my gf say it that it is meant with complete fullness of the words...

Its all about context... saying it to the barman for getting you another pint is much different than saying it to your wife/husband/kids etc...

Its all about the context it is put in I believe..

RedXIV

junior_apollo wrote: »

Its all about context... saying it to the barman for getting you another pint is much different than saying it to your wife/husband/kids etc...

That barman has been there for me for alot of trouble. he's practically family at this stage already!

junior_apollo

junior_apollo wrote: »

Heya, I know this is going against the flow here... :eek:

But I make a point of saying it to my gf every morning before we head out to work, and will typically say it once or twice during the day to her which includes usually as we are going asleep again... we've been together almost a year now and its been like that since 3/4 weeks into the relationship...

I understand some people get embarrassed infront of friends etc... and I know what everyone is saying about it being overused.. but it can be used constantly (as i've said above) and still retain its meaning...

As i know everytime I or my gf say it that it is meant with complete fullness of the words...

Its all about context... saying it to the barman for getting you another pint is much different than saying it to your wife/husband/kids etc...

Its all about the context it is put in I believe..

Haha... just realised I never commented to the OP in that rant... sowwie...

OP I think that gauging him on a drunken situation is not a great idea.. as he was on the defensive.. especially if he hasnt said it to you before then he would have been caught on the hop and reacted like an animal cornered... im sure he didnt mean to offend/enbarrass you with his comment, and as you say - If ye are really close then Im sure when the time is right he will say it to you also...

So lets make that... context and timing... haha

cowzerp

Maybe he meant he would not say it unless he actually loved someone!
i would never tell someone i loved them if i did'nt, could have scored a lot more in my teens if i did though, Doh!