1st Poem

thusspakeblixa

Hello, this is my 1st piece of ''poetic prose'' posted up here. I welcome all criticism and praise.

1.At ten minutes to nine, what is mine can be mine, time as it strolls, reveals as a dead sea scroll, in an archaic tongue, no air in it's lung, dead like it's creator, spoken now at a loss, it's hero hung, a union of sorts, a melding of minds- one dying, the other left behind, had to stop and lie, never to be true, a pretence in you, a simple thing still, move not in for the kill, at ten minutes to nine

2.They kicked his can, made him a man, no hide and seek, a morning bleak, pressed cheek to cheek, a deafening silence, a playground for a gun, five pound six pence, for a shiny toy, when all that's said is done, a man is still a boy.

trojan_horse

very good.
i liked the rhythm on the secound part, gives it a kind of pacey feel.

i think though, maybe you should consider how the poem is structured in that its taxing on the eyes and it gets into a kind of traffic jam.

maybe have short four lined verses.

ah, would ya listen to me:rolleyes: a big ol' bluffer:o

thusspakeblixa

No I understand, I mean I just get annoyed with poems always looking the same on a page!