Once a cheater, always a cheater?

LegacyUser

Long time listener, first time caller.

I've ventured onto the slippery slope of infidelity lately.. Just wondering if there's any truth in the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'? Just looking for opinions on the possibility of redeeming myself in future relationships.. I know I'm a little out of line in this one.

Thanks!

Wibbs

Only if you want to change. Simple as that really.

Toots

Wibbs wrote: »

Only if you want to change. Simple as that really.

QFT. The temptation will always be there when you are in a relationship. It's your decision whether you want to take things further. At least in future you'll be aware of the consequences and can make an informed choice.

John Mason

from what i can see and in my experience yes. It shows a total lack of self control.

Rev Hellfire

Hardly, its not like you where married or anything.
So assuming you weren't found out there's no harm done and sure if you where, the fact that you did it means you most likely weren't getting what you needed from the 'relationship' anyway.

LegacyUser

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Hardly, its not like you where married or anything.
So assuming you weren't found out there's no harm done and sure if you where, the fact that you did it means you most likely weren't getting what you needed from the 'relationship' anyway.

So when somebody cheats it's all their partners fault??

What a cop out!

In my experience this rings very true, once a cheater, always a cheater.

dudara

Rev Hellfire speaks a certain truth. Some people cheat because they are selfish. Others cheat because their relationship is not giving them enough or is unsatisfying somehow.

Whatever the reason, it's what you do going forward that matters.

Unregg wrote:

In my experience this rings very true, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Personally I don't believe this. If someone faces up to why they cheated, and is truly remorseful, then it's possible to move on. It all depends on the persons involved.

BuddhaJoe

Really depends on the person. When I was younger I did cheat on a few of my girlfriends, but it was always under the same situation where I felt the relationships had run their course but I lacked the moxie to break up with them and just ended up overlapping sexual partners. Now in my mid twenties I have grown up and have become very respectful and honest with my partners and I wouldn't dream of doing it again.

Cateym

I don't know. I'd like to think it's not true. When I was young and naive (21) I was seeing this guy, while out one night and quite merry I bumped into a mate's brother who I always had the hots for. We had ourselves a snog and that's as far as it went. I told the bloke I was seeing and got dumped for my troubles. Would you consider that I am prone to cheating then? Have never done anything like it or even been tempted since.

John Mason

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Hardly, its not like you where married or anything.
So assuming you weren't found out there's no harm done and sure if you where, the fact that you did it means you most likely weren't getting what you needed from the 'relationship' anyway.

Just because OP wasnt married doesnt mean it wasnt cheating

and just bacause she was never found out doesnt mean it's okay

okay, so probably her relationship isnt working but still totally believe once a cheater always a cheater

Dragan

For me it depends on why you cheated.

Did you cheat because you were bored and wanted to **** someon else or did you cheat because your relationship is over and neither of you would admit it?

In the later part then no, i don't believe once a cheater always a cheater.

Rev Hellfire

irishbird wrote: »

okay, so probably her relationship isnt working but still totally believe once a cheater always a cheater

By your logic people are damned by their mistakes with no ability to learn from them.

unregged wrote:

So when somebody cheats it's all their partners fault??

In some cases yes, people cheat for a wide spectrum of reasons from simple lust to in some cases a need for companionship. They may feel isolated from their partner through no fault of their own and seek interactions that their respective partner is incapable to give them. In such a case I certainly wouldn't damn them.

Cheating may be frowned upon, but it is not necessarily always morally wrong.
In some cases it may even be necessary to maintain a relationship.

John Mason

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

By your logic people are damned by their mistakes with no ability to learn from them.

when it comes to cheating yes. i know a number of serial cheaters, i have never seen them in a long term relationship where they havent cheated. i have never seen a cheater in a long term relationship where they havent cheated. That's my personal experience.

I think it shows a major character flaw or weakness, if you like. You are not happy in a relationship, so the first thing that comes to mind is "yes, i shall have an affair". There is an exact thread of that nature here in PI today. A normal person would think "hmmm, i am not happy in my relationship what shall i do? shall i work at it or shall finish with the person or shall i just continue being miserable". They dont jump straight away to "i know i will have an affair"

This is brain mapping which is hard to change

corcaigh07

irishbird wrote: »

when it comes to cheating yes. i know a number of serial cheaters, i have never seen them in a long term relationship where they havent cheated. i have never seen a cheater in a long term relationship where they havent cheated. That's my personal experience.

I think it shows a major character flaw or weakness, if you like. You are not happy in a relationship, so the first thing that comes to mind is "yes, i shall have an affair". There is an exact thread of that nature here in PI today. A normal person would think "hmmm, i am not happy in my relationship what shall i do? shall i work at it or shall finish with the person or shall i just continue being miserable". They dont jump straight away to "i know i will have an affair"

This is brain mapping which is hard to change

very one minded, stubborn post. everyone has the ability to learn from their mistakes and it includes cheating. are you saying a person with an addiction will always have an addiction?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Na, not in my experience, but you probably want to look at why you cheated and watch yourself so it doesn't happen again. It's not a slippery slope (gawd I hope so anyway, coz it's no fun)

Dragan

corcaigh07 wrote: »

very one minded, stubborn post. everyone has the ability to learn from their mistakes and it includes cheating. are you saying a person with an addiction will always have an addiction?

It should not be a requirement to emotionally hurt someone quite badly in order to "learn" that cheating is somehow wrong.

John Mason

corcaigh07 wrote: »

very one minded, stubborn post. everyone has the ability to learn from their mistakes and it includes cheating. are you saying a person with an addiction will always have an addiction?

Of course everyone who has an addiction will always have an addiction that is the whole point of addiction, you may learn to control it but you will always have it in you

Rev Hellfire

irishbird wrote: »

Of course everyone who has an addiction will always have an addiction that is the whole point of addiction, you may learn to control it but you will always have it in you

True, but that's not to say that someone with an addiction can not learn to control it. Nor is it true that someone who cheats exhibits addictive behaviour, this is simply supposition on your part with no clinical backup what so ever.

John Mason

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

True, but that's not to say that someone with an addiction can not learn to control it. Nor is it true that someone who cheats exhibits addictive behaviour, this is simply supposition on your part with no clinical backup what so ever.

i never said i had clinical back up - i was talking from my experience, i have yet to see a cheater settle down and not cheat.

Maybe you have different experience then mine, and thats great but i dont

and err... i never brought up the addictive thing, you did

silvine

It might be wrong but what if you get away with it? Maybe there is no damage down and you get some stuff out of your system.
I'd say some people here have had some very positive experiences with cheating.

Dragan

silvine wrote: »

It might be wrong but what if you get away with it? Maybe there is no damage down and you get some stuff out of your system.
I'd say some people here have had some very positive experiences with cheating.

To be honest i find that idea more repulsive than anything. I mean, it's okay to complete disrespect someone once they do not find out about it?

I still have yet to find someone who cheats that can actually convince me they really feel what they claim to feel for their partner.

Mazeire

Hi OP. To try to address your question:
In future relationships, dont know if you will cheat...neither do you. Though if it is making you feel this bad, I doubt that you will.
If you stay in this relationship yeah I think you'll cheat again. THere is obviously something going on within the relationship that caused you to stray in the first place. If thats not talked about then I think you will do it again

silvine

Dragan wrote: »

To be honest i find that idea more repulsive than anything. I mean, it's okay to complete disrespect someone once they do not find out about it?

I still have yet to find someone who cheats that can actually convince me they really feel what they claim to feel for their partner.

Men can separate sex and emotion a lot easier than women. A one night stand can just be about the sex. It doesn't necessarily have to be "I love you" every-time you shag someone.

silvine

silvine wrote: »

Men can separate sex and emotion a lot easier than women. A one night stand can just be about the sex. It doesn't necessarily have to be "I love you" every-time you shag someone.

Thats no excuse either. It shows alot of disrespect for the person you are with. I think its possible to change but you need to find the rout problem and sort it out from there. If you feel its still going to be at you maybe do not entre into a relationship for a while and get it out of your system.

silvine

It might not be an excuse but it's the reality for a lot of people. Sure cheating is wrong but then why do so many people do it?