Internet "romance" - pathetic?

LurkingLady

So there's this guy (there always is, isn't there)......

But let's start from the beginning.

Last summer I "met" a guy - through facebook of all places! - we started talking, first through facebook, then emails, then the messenger. Basically, I've never talked to anyone who would be so sweet, intelligent and funny and with whom I would have so much in common. He lives in Poland so arranging a face to face meeting wasn't easy but, after 6 months of LOOOOOONG (think between 3 and 6 hours almost every night) skype and msn chats I decided to give it a go, bought myself a ticket to Krakow and went to see him. We didn't get to spend too much time together - what with me being there for one weekend only- but it was lovely, we had great time together and I was far from disappointed ... When I left Krakow, I went to Warsaw and Zakopane on my own (planned the trip well in advance so that in case the meeting turned out to be a total fiasco I would still get to see something interesting in POland) and all the time I was there he would text me a couple of times a day, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes to say how lovely he felt the meeting went and how he'd love to repeat it one day.

Needless to say, i found myself falling for the guy. And yes, I know it's pathetic - I've only really been with him for 2 days and he's thousands of kilometers away, but you can't really control these things can you.....

After my return to Ireland we continued chatting but something was different, it's not about the length of our chats (though they did become shorter) more about the content. Before, we would be constantly flirting, now we're talking about more serious stuff which, sure, is great as I feel we can trust each other more, and can confide in each other as we would in any other good friend, but I feel like there's something missing- that bit of spark or whatever... it's usually me contributing to the chat more even though it is invariably he who starts them. (I never start the chat when I see him online - just in case he doesn't want to/or can't talk to me at that time). And sometimes there are those awkward pauses in the conversation - something that was never there before December... Yet, when I'm offline for a day or two, I always find a message from him on msn asking if all's well with me and stuff...
Even before we met up, there was talk of me coming to Poland after I graduate (I did a TEFL course and was planning to do some travelling before settling down anyway, so...) He seemed overjoyed at the prospect and this flattered me a lot as you can imagine... However, lately he's been talking a lot about how bad it is in Poland, sending me links to articles about the bad economy and stuff. I kinda feel like he's trying to discourage me from coming over...

I'm a bit confused tbh. Is this his way of trying to tell me he's not interested anymore? If so, why not say it outright? For all I care, he could just tell me he met somebody else, but be clear with me. I hate the way things are at the moment.

Has anyone been through this kind of thing? An internet "romance" that just started to go downhill? Any male boardsies who could help me interpret the guy's behaviour?

Anyone who knows how to get over this kind of thing and, if need be, just forget about the person?
I really hope it won't come down to this, as I really care about him and think I will never meet anyone quite like him again (seriously, how pathetic do you think it is), but well, I've got my pride and my dignity....

Anyway, any advice? opinion?

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sounds to me like he isn't as interested after meeting you.

He still messages you because he feels he owes you a relationship after getting on so well from before.

Now that's what I'm getting from your post. I could be interpreting it wrong of course.

Conor108

I'd say nowadays its not as "pathetic" as it might used to have been. Sure isn't it something like 1 out of every 5 couples married last year met online? Looks to be getting somewhat mainstream:) I know a guy who met his gf onine actually. I think it's grand myself, you've stuff in common and you like the guy etc. The only real problem is the distance.

Good Luck

AARRRGH

I agree with Bottle of Smoke.

Even if he knew what you look like before you met him, he may have felt there was no chemistry there when you were face to face.

Or maybe in the meantime he's found a girlfriend?

The reality is we can only guess.

Perhaps you should ask him if everything is OK?

If everything is OK, he won't mind this question. If everything is not OK, you'll find out pretty quickly.

LurkingLady

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Sounds to me like he isn't as interested after meeting you.

That's what I was thinking, but, if so, why the hell he keeps texting/msging me with compliments and stuff like that ? I mean, if it was just out of obligation why not avoid anything that may in any way whatsoever make me think I still've got a chance with him? If he stopped doing that after our meeting, i'd know what he was on about and just move on... this way, i'm only more confused

and they say it's us women who play games

Sherifu

LurkingLady wrote: »

I'm a bit confused tbh. Is this his way of trying to tell me he's not interested anymore?
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Anyway, any advice? opinion?

I'm afraid it seems that way. Have a talk with him on the phone. Ask him what's happening.

Abi

LurkingLady wrote: »

That's what I was thinking, but, if so, why the hell he keeps texting/msging me with compliments and stuff like that ? I mean, if it was just out of obligation why not avoid anything that may in any way whatsoever make me think I still've got a chance with him? If he stopped doing that after our meeting, i'd know what he was on about and just move on... this way, i'm only more confused

and they say it's us women who play games

I read over your original post, and tbh you did something really sensible. You made a little trip out of it, as opposed to just diving straight in. I think you dealt with it the best way possible. But heres the clanger. It does sound to me like hes cooled off a little, but it is better to realise this than dredge yourself through the pain of being slowly but surely fobbed off. Rip off the band-aid and move on.

Dont take it personally, and dont let it put you off meeting someone else from the internet. It just didn't work out this time.

Danimalito

Kind of hard to tell - personally I don't think IM is that good for conveying feelings or the mood of a person.

I'd just ask him straight out if he's interested in seeing you again. For better and for worse, guys tend to be more straightforward than ladies when confronted.

King of Kings

i can't say i agree with bottle of smoke - if he wasn't interested in you - there would be no messages waiting on you when you go online.

also at the beginning of a relationship there is loadsa chat and flirting - things are generally quiter after a while.
I can imagine in your situation when you don't see each other - there may be less to say etc....

your best bet is to ask him. see if he'll agree to do a w'end in ireland - seems fair if you went to poland - if he delays or is unsure or says no then you'll have your answer,

LurkingLady

King of Kings wrote: »

see if he'll agree to do a w'end in ireland - seems fair if you went to poland - if he delays or is unsure or says no then you'll have your answer,

that's a bit of a problem. one of the reasons why it was me who came over and not the other way around (apart from the fact that I was curious about Poland - it's beautiful by the way, would recommend going there to anyone) is that he's a full time student and doesn't work at the moment - hence, it would be pretty expensive for him to fly for just a couple of days. So, I'd even feel awkward asking him to do it for me - the idea was I'd be coming down to Krakow after graduating, so we never discussed the summer holidays when he could come down and maybe get a seasonal job... (he used to do that the past couple of years that's why his English is so great)

Now, however, I'm beginning to rethink the whole teaching in Poland thing. Don't get me wrong, i LOVED the place, but it was Krakow I was going after, and now, if I moved to Krakow (and if his behaviour really means he just wants the thing between us to be over), wouldn't I come across as a tad stalkerish and pushy?

Canis Lupus

He may also be just geting bored. S'only so long you can talk to someone over the interweb before things start to get boring. Sex isn't the same with a few thousand km's in the way if ya get what I mean.

who_ru

there's like 150,000 polish blokes in this country and you went 1000km to meet one!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:

supertramp

Hi!
I'm a guy going through the same thing. Talked every day to a girl in Slovenia. Went out to meet her, fell for eachother.
We also have pauses, it's natural as we talk every day it's bound to happen,

I would send her reports of how much bad crime, and racism is in the country to her, but by no means am I trying to stop her from coming. I would love for her to visit which she is,
But I want her to know the cons of the country as well as the pros. And she does the same,

IMO, don't worry about it...good luck

Abi

who_ru wrote: »

there's like 150,000 polish blokes in this country and you went 1000km to meet one!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:

I apologise profusely.. but this made me laugh! :pac:

I have to say I've seen some pretty fit ones. If I had no one on the scene I tells ya!

LegacyUser

Maybe hes discouraging you because he wants to move to ireland..

buckfast4me

LurkingLady wrote: »

there's something missing- that bit of spark or whatever...

That "spark" usually goes in relationships where couples see each other every day for a couple of years. If it's going in 2 days I don't think is gonna work out.

Abi

sky11 wrote: »

Maybe hes discouraging you because he wants to move to ireland..

I thought of that, but he wouldnt be cooling off if that was the case tbh. he'd be slipping the idea in every chance he gets. But the Polish are grafters, so I doubt it. He could be here and get work in a flash with or without her.

LurkingLady

sky11 wrote: »

Maybe hes discouraging you because he wants to move to ireland..

nah, that's actually one thing i'm sure of. He went to Ireland right after secondary school in 2001, spent a year on a building site saving up for college and then came back to Poland. Said it's a nice country alright but the weather was driving him mad Can't say I blame him :D

And anyway, he's got a year and a half to go before he's done with college, so until then anyway he's Poland-bound

AckwelFoley

Its 2008, we are a busy generation and i think we should be open to all avenues, and oppertunities of finding romance.

I used to cringe at the idea, but since ive actually met some of the "internet" people at various boards social events - they are mostly rather normal

I personally think its more pathetic - trying to find romance smashed drunk in a night club, gropeing each other - followed by a classy & romantic bag of chips.

Id give my left testicle to find true romance right now.

LegacyUser

I read your post and thought that he's probably thinking the exact same thing. You say that you never message him first when you see him online, and always wait for him to initiate contact. He probably thinks that it's you that has gone off him since the trip and he's a bit on the defensive. If he wasn't interested in you/ or had gone off you, he would be alot more distant than he is at the moment. You need to just be honest with him. Call him and tell him how you feel about him and how you want to give it a shot. You'll be able to tell pretty quickly how he feels about you through his response to this.

Good luck with it!

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I met my wife online and she just happened to be a foreign national living here in Ireland. A couple of things around the internet, romance and relationships with people from different nationalities as I see them :
- Each to their own, internet hook-ups are just as valid as drunken hook-ups in a night club.
- Big difference with internet relationships is that when you can't see the play of emotions on someone's face while you are talking to them the potential for misunderstandings is huge. Your mind reads all sorts into a generally harmless text message or email.
- Only way to be sure about this is to ask questions about what is bothering you as bluntly, but nicely, as possible to ensure that there is no misunderstanding.

I wouldn't say there is too much to worry about as things are bound to change. You can't live your life not meeting, and all the time spent texting and talking on the phone before you met up just allowed an image of the other person to be built up in your head. This was bound to be different, and once you met, there was always going to be an adjustment.

As I say above. If you are not sure, ask. And make sure that you ask in no uncertain terms.

Hope this helps.