how to get rid of doubt- boyfriend shared his bed with another girl

LegacyUser

My boyfriend was acting a bit dodgy one day... I knew that some girls were at his house the night before (which he shares with one other single guy). We were on msn+ whatever way the conversation went, I asked him, if there was something he wasn't telling me+ he acted all dodgy and said he had to go (without answering my question). I rang him, as it was bugging me and I had a bad feeling about it+ he admitted that he had shared his bed with a girl (later found out she's single...ahh). On top of that, we're in a long distance relationship. (19+ 20, Ireland- England)

On the phone, I basically said, that's it, we're through as I felt betrayed (he was the one who wanted an exclusive relationship).... We were both really gutted about it. On one of the last msn conversations of working things out that night (had been talking lots on the phone too), I asked 'so, just to be clear and I will never bring this up again... you and her only shared the same bed and nothing else happened right?' and he answered 'I told you what happened'. I didn't pry, but now it's a couple of weeks later+ there's still a little doubt over what happened that night. I really like this guy and don't want to bring it up again. Has anyone any advice on how to get rid of doubt or if asking him again would mess things up again (things seem to be good, the last week... I just want to get rid of this doubt)?. He said he had become lonely (+ I then did say that we could ease things off etc or not go out at all....or not be exclusive.... but he wanted things the way it is now hmm). I don't want to seem like a push over either/ be walked on. I'd love to hear people's opinions. Thanks.

Terra

You have 2 choices

Work your best too forgive him or dump him.

I don't think you can ever really get rid of the doubt, you can only learn to get over it.

Sounds like the long distance my have been too much for him and he might have slipped up.

He probably still loves you very much and doesn't want too loose you.

Question is, is he strong enough not too do do it again or will he slip up twice and hurt you even more.


And is he worth fighting for ?

judas101

that sounds bad.

i know you'd like to give him the benifit of the doubt but......you know

he definately...........you know

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ah just tell him you feel weird about it & don't want it to happen again. He either told the truth or lied previuously, you're only gonna get the same answer again, so it's all about whether you believe him or not

From your post he sounds innocent to me

unreggd

judas101 wrote: »

he definately...........you know

How do you know? are you the single girl?


If he didnt do anything then I dont get why he was actin dodgy

and why did they need to share a bed, do you know who she is??

EamonnKeane

here's your answer at 7:15 : warning may not be polite
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=6lE-fFoKhZA&feature=related

OpenYourEyes

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

From your post he sounds innocent to me

yeah, he does honestly sound innocent to me!

he obviously knows that what hes done is wrong, and has more than likely questioned your relationship in the past but has decided it is worth it, he just slipped up!

let him know how much its bothered you, that your not angry, just worried, and ask him in a roundabout nice way 2 make sure it never happens again!



this is all presuming he is a genuinely nice guy, and that he wudnt do this kinda thing in a bad minded way if u get me

how long is your relationship going on might i ask?

Mixedup

ah he's only a young fella, when i was in college i used to share beds (and nothing else!) with plenty of the lads in college, especially with a few drinks on us we'd sleep anywhere its more comfortable than sleeping on the floor!
it doesnt mean anything happened at all, you have nothing to worry about!

The Sweeper

OP, what have I missed? I thought it was over? Is it still over, or have you worked it out and now you're trying just to not be paranoid about it?

valleyoftheunos

OP sorry to say it but...

Dollars to Donuts, something happened. From what you have told us OP it probably wasn't too serious but I'd be certain something went on, it might have just been some cuddling or some kissing but it was something.

On the upside, I'd say its clear he feels bad about it but he knows he shouldn't be sharing his bed with girls, single or otherwise who aren't you. If he has apologised, deeply and sincerly to you and accepted that it was wrong, I think then you can move on and try and get it to work out with him.

The other thing is that distance relationships are way tougher than people imagine. How long will you be apart for? Is it temporary? will it be a few years while you are at Uni perhaps? You're both very young at this stage. perhaps a little too young to be tying yourselves up in knots with a relationship like this.

Think long and hard about weither it and he is worth it.

Beerlao

it is possible for two people to sleep together in a bed and not have rampant sex all night long you know!

i've been in a relationship and shared a bed with another girl and not even laid a finger on each other. plenty of times. we're not all dogs in heat you know

however, i do think long distance relationships are a waste of time

chris_oc

judas101 wrote: »

that sounds bad.

i know you'd like to give him the benifit of the doubt but......you know

he definately...........you know

ahh FFS!! what the hell is the point of writing something like that to the poor girl judas!?!(great name by the way:p):rolleyes:

"definately", no not at all definate. all we know is that the lad was decent enough to admit that he had slept in a bed with another girl, which BY THE WAY isn't a crime! (happens in college a lot at parties and what not)
the reason he was acting a bit strange could also be the fact that he felt guilty for sleeping beside the girl knowing in the back of his head that you probably wouldnt approve...
also to add to that, he might have been just feeling guilty because he probably did let his thoughts wander a bit while he was lying beside her,like we all probably would do if we were in the same situation,(you have to admit that it is a fairly intimate place to be lying beside someone who isnt your partner)
BUT that doesnt mean that anything happened though!
i'd say just let it go...

valleyoftheunos

Beerlao wrote: »

it is possible for two people to sleep together in a bed and not have rampant sex all night long you know!

i've been in a relationship and shared a bed with another girl and not even laid a finger on each other. plenty of times. we're not all dogs in heat you know

however, i do think long distance relationships are a waste of time

sure it is possible, but its still not appropriate and judging from his reaction, he knew that and something (probably not rampant all night sex) happened.

chuci

to me it sounds like he wants his cake and has had it. but that's just me. i agree its possible to share your bed with someone else and not lay a finger on them as someone else says more comfortable than the floor. if your really think he is innocent then it will work out. however with the niggling doubt of this it will prob bring an end to your relationship. cant have one if there is no trust.

Dragan

chuci wrote: »

to me it sounds like he wants his cake and has had it. but that's just me. i agree its possible to share your bed with someone else and not lay a finger on them as someone else says more comfortable than the floor. if your really think he is innocent then it will work out. however with the niggling doubt of this it will prob bring an end to your relationship. cant have one if there is no trust.

I have female friends that i have happily shared a bed with and nothing has happened. Should i end up in a relationship anytime soon i would expect any gf to not have a major problem with this.

Obviously all this would be explained before any possible bed sharing though.

OP, i guess you can be angry at him, justifiably so, but i wouldn't make the mistake of assuming something happened.

You either believe him or you don't, make a choice and act accordingly.

Nevyn

how to get rid of doubt- boyfriend shared his bed with another girl

A lobotomy if you have not already had one.

Look if your bf sharing sleeping space with someone else is a deal breaker then end the relationship.
IF you are that insecure about him being physically close to another female then end the relationship.
IF you can get over the fact that this did happen and you are being primativly possessive then stay in the relationship.

Why you didn't go over make sure the sheets and pillow cases were changed and washed so her smell didn't linger there
and then ride the arse off him making some very intense memories of you in his bed and making sure you smell was all over the place so that he will think of you not her I don't know.

A tip for that is to spray the mattress under the sheet just under where the pillow is with your favorite perfume.
This way when the bed warms up when he is settled it the trace scent will warm up and linger.

LegacyUser

I think it is disrespectful and should not be done...simple as that.

Why share a bed with someone else if you are in a relationship? I'd rather sleep on the couch.

John Mason

I have absolutely no problem sharing a bed with a male friend and that's all it will be.

But you obviously dont trust your boyfriend, you cant have a relationship without trust.
ergo the relationship is over, so get on that MSN thingy you kept talking about and tell him its over and go out on the pull tonight

LegacyUser

Minesajackdaniels- yes, we worked it out, but last night some doubt came back as I saw a photo of him, the girl and her friend chilling out on his bed (it was perfectly innocent... it just brought it all back tbh). It came up as an update about his friend on a social networking sight... I didn't go looking for it.

We spoke again last night and are able to meet up in a couple of weeks... we're trying to be ok until then. I really miss him. Gotta go back to work.... sorry. Thanks for the replies

Irishcrx

I've slept in beds before with other girls who are just friends and nothing ever happend, we were just hammered and short of space , I didn't tell my gf about this because she would have went off the wall even though technically I did nothing wrong.

John Mason

Irishcrx wrote: »

I've slept in beds before with other girls who are just friends and nothing ever happend, we were just hammered and short of space , I didn't tell my gf about this because she would have went off the wall even though technically I did nothing wrong.

well, then you need to dump your girlfriend. people, if there is no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship

valleyoftheunos

Irishcrx wrote: »

I've slept in beds before with other girls who are just friends and nothing ever happend, we were just hammered and short of space , I didn't tell my gf about this because she would have went off the wall even though technically I did nothing wrong.

And if she shared a bed with a guy, you wouldn't mind? Honestly?

If you're in a relationship its not appropriate to be sharing your bed with someone else.

Nevyn

irishbird wrote: »

well, then you need to dump your girlfriend. people, if there is no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship

Different people have different boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy.

LegacyUser

I'd find it wrong because everytime i have shared a bed with someone of the opposite sex, the majority of the time, they try and make something happen...

So that's why my viewpoint is the way it is...

Drift

Thaedydal wrote: »

A tip for that is to spray the mattress under the sheet just under where the pillow is with your favorite perfume.
This way when the bed warms up when he is settled it the trace scent will warm up and linger.

I can't figure out whether you're being sarcastic or serious here Thaedydal. Would you really consider this sort of territory marking appropriate. Does that mean you'd be ok with your bf splashing his brut or whatever on your bed to warn off any potential male friends you bring home?

While I think the smell of my gfs perfume (if I had one :rolleyes: ) off my bed would be a nice reminder of her I wouldn't be at all impressed that she felt she had to mark her territory in such a way. It would mean she doesn't trust me.

Nevyn

Drift wrote: »

I can't figure out whether you're being sarcastic or serious here Thaedydal. Would you really consider this sort of territory marking appropriate. Does that mean you'd be ok with your bf splashing his brut or whatever on your bed to warn off any potential male friends you bring home?

I would like to think the bite and scratch marks would do that....:D
and they would have to understand what my boundaries for non sexual physical intimacy
were before they would get to be my bf to start with.

Drift wrote: »

While I think the smell of my gfs perfume (if I had one :rolleyes: ) off my bed would be a nice reminder of her I wouldn't be at all impressed that she felt she had to mark her territory in such a way. It would mean she doesn't trust me.

Well you know what they say, alls fair in love and war

LegacyUser

hey op,
i'm a girl and ive shared my bed / a guys bed lots of times with nothing happening, some times it just happens and you end up asleep, ive been single and in relationships when this has happend and so have the other people in the bed,
i do know how you feel because a similar thing happened to me before, and i dont think that doubt ever goes away, but, if hes worth it then keep it going and just make sure you dont bring it up in an argument in 6 months time, i made that mistake...
good luck with everything

Liam Byrne

Beerlao wrote: »

it is possible for two people to sleep together in a bed and not have rampant sex all night long you know!

i've been in a relationship and shared a bed with another girl and not even laid a finger on each other. plenty of times. we're not all dogs in heat you know

+1

SarahSassy

But are these the two girls who had been tring on his clothes??? Is this the guy who told you the next day he had slept in a chair but has since changed his story???

Maybe its a different poster but sounds very similar to a recent thread.

Silverfish

SarahSassy wrote: »

But are these the two girls who had been tring on his clothes??? Is this the guy who told you the next day he had slept in a chair but has since changed his story???

Maybe its a different poster but sounds very similar to a recent thread.

Yeah I was thinking that. If he originally told her he slept in a chair and so on....

Tbh OP, I don't know, you'll always have that doubt in your head. But look at it this way, regardless of the lectures you're getting in this thread, only you can decide what your own boundaries are in a relationship. If a partner doesn't agree to those, then maybe they aren't the one for you. Its a filtering process really.
If I were you, the doubt would always be there, so I doubt I'd go rushing back there, I'd wait about for someone who would respect where I would feel my boundaries are, and wouldn't push past them without serious thought.

crip17

Silverfish wrote: »

Yeah I was thinking that. If he originally told her he slept in a chair and so on....

Tbh OP, I don't know, you'll always have that doubt in your head. But look at it this way, regardless of the lectures you're getting in this thread, only you can decide what your own boundaries are in a relationship. If a partner doesn't agree to those, then maybe they aren't the one for you. Its a filtering process really.
If I were you, the doubt would always be there, so I doubt I'd go rushing back there, I'd wait about for someone who would respect where I would feel my boundaries are, and wouldn't push past them without serious thought.

Great post. give urself some time out to think on your own, and make your own decision