Problems with my sister

kittensoft1984

hi Guys,

sorry if this is a long post - i'll try to keep it short.

bascially my little sister (shes 17) is a total bitch at the moment.

My dad is very sick in hospital at the moment and i normally live in Galway but ive been up for a while cos of this. Anyway she is being so unreasonable at the moment.

she is gong out and not coming back till like 12 or 1 o clock in the morning. She is never here and has only gone to see dad when mam has said it to her.

I just feel that she should be at home a lot more to help out etc as Mam works full time and is going straight to the hospital after work till late at night.

I understand that she is 17 and has her own life etc


Am i being unreasonable? I am going back to Galway on Sunday and i hate to think what Mam will be going through when i go back down with her but i have to go back to work!

anyway any opinions/thoughts welcome

sorry for the long post!

Jimmy Bottlehead

She might be having a hard time dealing with it... and by not dealing with it, it becomes less real and less upsetting for her.

kittensoft1984

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

She might be having a hard time dealing with it... and by not dealing with it, it becomes less real and less upsetting for her.

we all are but at the same time she is the only one in the house with Mam when i leave....i just think that she needs to be there for her...

TouchingVirus

I'm gonna go with Jimmy Bottlehead on this one, perhaps she's having a tough time dealing with it.

I dealt with one of my grandparents the same way, choosing to hope they get better from far away and I wish I didn't do it now.

Jimmy Bottlehead

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

we all are but at the same time she is the only one in the house with Mam when i leave....i just think that she needs to be there for her...

She does, but at that age she's still maturing... 17 is a time people make irrational decisions, and this could be one of hers. Plus, as she is the only one in the house, she might feel the pressure as your mum is bound to be upset a lot of the time. Basically, she should be there for your mum, but who's there for your sister?

all the stars

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

hi Guys,

sorry if this is a long post - i'll try to keep it short.

bascially my little sister (shes 17) is a total bitch at the moment.

My dad is very sick in hospital at the moment and i normally live in Galway but ive been up for a while cos of this. Anyway she is being so unreasonable at the moment.

she is gong out and not coming back till like 12 or 1 o clock in the morning. She is never here and has only gone to see dad when mam has said it to her.

I just feel that she should be at home a lot more to help out etc as Mam works full time and is going straight to the hospital after work till late at night.

I understand that she is 17 and has her own life etc


Am i being unreasonable? I am going back to Galway on Sunday and i hate to think what Mam will be going through when i go back down with her but i have to go back to work!

anyway any opinions/thoughts welcome

sorry for the long post!

yeah - my initial thought was maybe she isn't coping very well & cant bear to be at home where its a heavy atmoisphere...

kittensoft1984

Me.

she knows that im only a phone call away.

Like one of the things she has done is this: she was a dance competition on Saturday. She went to it at 12, rang my mam at about 5 to ask her to come pick her up - she eventually left the competition at 12 midnight - mam had driven for an hour to collect her after being at the hospital all day with dad.

do you think thats fair?

Jimmy Bottlehead

To be honest, its not hugely unfair, but I've been told my folks spoiled me a bit.

kittensoft1984

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

To be honest, its not hugely unfair, but I've been told my folks spoiled me a bit.

My mother is exhausted enough without having to run after her also

Jimmy Bottlehead

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

My mother is exhausted enough without having to run after her also

have you talked to her about these issues?Also, being busy might be helping your mum keep her mind off your dad.

kittensoft1984

ive tried to.

she just ignores everything anyone says and doesnt care.

yeah i suppose being busy is helping mam but she is exhausted all the time. She doesnt need to be running after her aswell ya know.

LegacyUser

Me.

she knows that im only a phone call away.

Like one of the things she has done is this: she was a dance competition on Saturday. She went to it at 12, rang my mam at about 5 to ask her to come pick her up - she eventually left the competition at 12 midnight - mam had driven for an hour to collect her after being at the hospital all day with dad.

do you think thats fair?

Well maybe she doesnt feel she can go to you or doesnt want to. On the surface it may look inconsiderate but consider whats going on in her head: you arent there for her most of the time. Also your attitude on the situation; she probably thinks you will just drag her to the hospital if she gets in the car with you - something she clearly does not want to do right now.

Jimmy Bottlehead

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

ive tried to.

she just ignores everything anyone says and doesnt care.

yeah i suppose being busy is helping mam but she is exhausted all the time. She doesnt need to be running after her aswell ya know.

I know... but as crap as it is, you can't force her to change, or to take your mum into consideration. All you can do is talk to her and try to reason with her, and hope she takes it on board.

But at the end of the day, you're finding it hard enough to deal with, and she has less age and maturity on her side. Maybe she genuinely can't deal with it emotionally right now and treating your mum like normal makes her feel like things are normal.

r3nu4l

Kittensoft, I agree with most of the others here. While it's incredibly frustrating for you to see this and know it's happening, there is not much you can do.

My Mothers father died when she was 19, her youngest sister was 15 at the time and refused to go to the funeral or view the coffin. She was clearly in denial. Since then she has asked my mum about the funeral and expressed her regret.

I take it your 17-year old sister is the baby of the family? She may be 17 but that's still quite young and she may be having real difficulties in dealing with this. Also, an older sibling coming home at the weekends and giving her a hard time over her lack of presence isn't exactly going to motivate her to change her ways. I doubt she's very mature, although we all thought we were very mature when we were 17 :rolleyes: so she probably needs consolation too!

Be there for your sister too, call her mid-week ask her how your mum is, ask her (don't tell her) to look after your mother for you and to help her out because she's having a tough time too. Apologise for not being able to be at home as often as you'd like to be.

kittensoft1984

I have been home for the last 2 weeks . Thats why i came home because i knew it would be hard on her at this time.

I have tried to talk to her about everything thats going on, but she doesnt even listen to me at all.

i can understand it being hard for her but its been hard for all of us.

Jimmy Bottlehead

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

I have been home for the last 2 weeks . Thats why i came home because i knew it would be hard on her at this time.

I have tried to talk to her about everything thats going on, but she doesnt even listen to me at all.

i can understand it being hard for her but its been hard for all of us.

KittenSoftt1984, I really feel sorry for you - you're clearly a great person who loves her family. But you do have to accept, you can't force anyone to do or feel something. Even if she's your sister, even if your dad is very ill, you can't force her to care and change and be more considerate. As horrible as it feels, its true. All you can do is reason with her and lead by example.

r3nu4l

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

i can understand it being hard for her but its been hard for all of us.

Is she the baby of the family? Quite often the baby has been more spoiled growing up or treated with 'kid' gloves, especially if the mother or father know that this will be the last child.

She may just not be able to cope and this is her mechanism for doing so. You seem to be a couple of years older than her, have more experience of the world and are generally worlds away from her in terms of maturity. You cannot expect a kid who lives at home to have the same level of maturity as someone who has had to fend for themselves in the world for a few years.

Is there more to this that just the current situation. From your posts, it's coming across to me as a little 'petulant'. Almost like you are saying "It's not fair, I'm expected to be adult about this so why shouldn't she be too?". I'm probably wrong but if that's the case then it's not just your sister who needs to re-think her attitude. If I'm reading it wrong I apologise but it's something to think about. Sometimes when I stop to assess my reasons for banging on about something I realise that part of the problem is my own attitude. Just my 2c.

kittensoft1984

r3nu4l wrote: »

Is she the baby of the family? Quite often the baby has been more spoiled growing up or treated with 'kid' gloves, especially if the mother or father know that this will be the last child.

She may just not be able to cope and this is her mechanism for doing so. You seem to be a couple of years older than her, have more experience of the world and are generally worlds away from her in terms of maturity. You cannot expect a kid who lives at home to have the same level of maturity as someone who has had to fend for themselves in the world for a few years.

Is there more to this that just the current situation. From your posts, it's coming across to me as a little 'petulant'. Almost like you are saying "It's not fair, I'm expected to be adult about this so why shouldn't she be too?". I'm probably wrong but if that's the case then it's not just your sister who needs to re-think her attitude. If I'm reading it wrong I apologise but it's something to think about. Sometimes when I stop to assess my reasons for banging on about something I realise that part of the problem is my own attitude. Just my 2c.

Yes she is the baby of the family.

and yes you are. Sorry. i understand that she cant be adult about it as she is the youngest.

But at the same time all im asking for is a little respect for my mother. And not to act like a 2 year old.

Jimmy thank you for your advice. I am trying to lead by example.

I have to go home again this weekend but i'll just have to try and get home as much as possible

Hrududu

Its a terrible situation for both of you to be in. It doesnt look like she can cope with everything going on. And I know you think "If i have to cope then so should she." But people react differently in a crisis. Going out and not going to the hospital sounds to me like she doesnt want to deal with it at all. Coming home to you wanting to talk about it all is probably the last thing she wants. She probably feels a lot of pressure when its just her and your mother. But I think you will just have to accept that the two of you are going to deal with this in very different ways. Trying to change her will just make her resent you.

Bendihorse

All i can say to you is that shes a teenager, teenagers are selfish individuals, some moreso than others. My sister is thankfully starting to grow out of it but shes 21 and still thinks my parents world revolves around her.

Theres also an element of youngest spoilt child coming into play here by the sounds of it, sounds just something my sister would have done back in the day. Shes simply seeking attenion from your mother who is rightfully, focusing all of hers on your father at the moment.

Im sorry OP theres nothing i can say to appease you, but i would say this - try and not let her get to you, its not up to you to chapperone her and try to ger her to do the right thing. The more you try the more she will try to act out. Just let her bang away and try to keep doing what your doing and help your mother as much as you can. Nobody expects you to do any more than what you can.
Thinking about your sister and her actions is not something for you to take on your shoulders at the moment, i should know iv come through something similar with mine. She WILL grow up, but unfortunatly it will take a few more years...

*Hug* Hope your dad gets better soon.

kittensoft1984

thanks for all your responses guys!

the_syco

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

she knows that im only a phone call away.

From the tone of your first post, I don't think she'll be ringing you any time soon.

She sounds like she's in denial, and is getting the f**k away from anything that reminds her of what's going on.

Don't guilt trip her, but do give her some space.

kittensoft1984

the_syco wrote: »

From the tone of your first post, I don't think she'll be ringing you any time soon.

She sounds like she's in denial, and is getting the f**k away from anything that reminds her of what's going on.

Don't guilt trip her, but do give her some space.

Im not trying to guilt trip her and i havent said anything to about it for a while.

All ive done is asked her to be home on a certain day as i had to go to the dentist.

Jigsaw

I must say I'm 100% behind the OP and care little for all this "coping mechanism" escape the problem tree hugging crap. This is a family with an ill father and a mother who needs support. I'm sure both parents made sure the 17 yr old sister wanted for nothing and provided well for her during her upbringing and when a little something back is required, just a little help around the home to ease the pressure on the mother at this hard time, the 17 yr old would rather be out acting the gipe and going to dancing competitions. A very serious "chat" is urgently needed tbh.

r3nu4l

Jigsaw wrote: »

I must say I'm 100% behind the OP and care little for all this "coping mechanism" escape the problem tree hugging crap. This is a family with an ill father and a mother who needs support. I'm sure both parents made sure the 17 yr old sister wanted for nothing and provided well for her during her upbringing and when a little something back is required, just a little help around the home to ease the pressure on the mother at this hard time, the 17 yr old would rather be out acting the gipe and going to dancing competitions. A very serious "chat" is urgently needed tbh.

Confrontation has been proven time and again to be the least successful method of getting what you want. A bit of "tree-hugging" never did anyone any harm and is excellent for conflict resolution. There are ways of getting what you want and confrontation is one of the worst...especially in already stressful situations. I can see you will never be a hostage negotiator, you'll be the SWAT team captain

Did you know that Gerry Adams is literally a "Tree-hugger"? He hugs trees to become attuned to nature. I'm not joking, I saw Martin McGuinness slagging him about it.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Jigsaw wrote: »

I must say I'm 100% behind the OP and care little for all this "coping mechanism" escape the problem tree hugging crap. This is a family with an ill father and a mother who needs support. I'm sure both parents made sure the 17 yr old sister wanted for nothing and provided well for her during her upbringing and when a little something back is required, just a little help around the home to ease the pressure on the mother at this hard time, the 17 yr old would rather be out acting the gipe and going to dancing competitions. A very serious "chat" is urgently needed tbh.

I'm not being offensive, but you come across as very confrontational and somewhat ignorant in your post, Jigsaw.

You can care as little as you desire for 'coping mechanisms' that people have, but if the OP were to act as you claim you would, she'll end up alienating her sister and making the family situation worse. People deal with things in different ways, depending on the person, the age, the situation, ad infinitum - you can't change that, the OP can't change that, I can't change that.... the only person who can is the sister. It is her choice how she deals with this, and she is the one who will deal with the repercussions of her decision in years to come.

Zulu

the_syco wrote: »

From the tone of your first post, I don't think she'll be ringing you any time soon.

She sounds like she's in denial, and is getting the f**k away from anything that reminds her of what's going on.

Don't guilt trip her, but do give her some space.

Nail on the head. Besides, are you guys close? Would she normally ring you?

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

Im not trying to guilt trip her and i havent said anything to about it for a while.
All ive done is asked her to be home on a certain day as i had to go to the dentist.

I'm suggesting you are intending to guilt trip her, but saying she is avoiding the situation, she could possibly be feeling very guilty and at times ashamed of herself. Hence a negative reaction when she's asked to do something. ...but this is purely speculation.

Jigsaw wrote: »

I must say I'm 100% behind the OP and care little for all this "coping mechanism" escape the problem tree hugging crap.... A very serious "chat" is urgently needed tbh.

And the only thing this will achieve is a monumental family row about a sick parent, resulting in terrible things being said. This approach is great for causing rifts in families. So if thats what you are trying to achieve - go for it. :rolleyes:

Jigsaw

Ok, I should clarify my view. I certainly do not suggest going and roaring the head of her or giving her a few slaps. Absolutely not. But this girl is 17, not 7. She is one year away from being considered an adult. I am saying that either the elder sister or anyone who has influence over her should sit down and state in a serious but not angry tone that her mother needs her help at this difficult time. Not much , just the odd bit of help to make life easier.

I concede that I did come across as a bit aggressive in that last post. I just think that whilst people may have coping mechanisms sometimes when the back is against the wall you have to grow a pair and forget about coping and do what needs to be done. The father is ill now so the mother needs help now.

Zulu

...and how do you pridict that conversation turning out?

Big sis: "Honestly lil sis, poor mum needs help. You're 17 and being a bit selfish. Can you make more of an effort to help her?"
Lil sis: "True, I didn't quite see it that way. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'll help out mum more"

Interestingly, I don't see that happening.

Puffin

Your sister, and her behaviour, is not your responsibility. If you mother has a problem with it, respect your mother enough to have faith that she will be able to handle it.

While every family is different, I believe a huge majority of parents become extremely upset when their children treat each other badly. I wonder what upsets your parents more: your sister insisting on rides home or you ‘being hard’ on her, nagging her and describing her as a ‘total bitch’?

Jigsaw

Zulu wrote: »

...and how do you pridict that conversation turning out?

Big sis: "Honestly lil sis, poor mum needs help. You're 17 and being a bit selfish. Can you make more of an effort to help her?"
Lil sis: "True, I didn't quite see it that way. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'll help out mum more"

Interestingly, I don't see that happening.

Ah come on now, that's an over simplification as well you know. It needn't necessarily be the sister who speak to the little sis. There could be an aunt/uncle/cousin etc who she looks up to and who she would be likely to listen to. I know 17 yr olds can be difficult but I just think someone having a proper constructive chat with her is worth a shot. It would make the mother's life easier. Just my opinion that's all. I'm not part of the "Spare the rod and spoil the child" brigade. I just feel that when a family is in need it is not unreasonable to expect a 17 yr old sister to assist in some way and if she fails to do so, she ought to told that this is being unreasonable, but this should be done in a constructive manner.

MattKid

Kitten, have you had a talk with her focussing on how she is feeling and coping with this?

I know you probably feel that she doesn't deserve the attention by the way that she acting, but maybe she needs to get it out but feels guilty because your mum is probably feeling 100 times worse.

It doesn't take much at that age to get mixed up and confused and just seek escapism.

kittensoft1984

let me clarify that i havent "had a go at her" or have not "been hard on her"

I have said nothing to her at all apart from when i went home and asked her to keep an eye on my mother.

Yes we would be close normally and she would call me if she needed me.

Puffin i never said it was my responsibility, but i do feel that my mother has enough on her plate at the moment and any little bit of help i can her is i think is appreciated

Zulu

@Jigsaw:
Like communism, thats all great on paper, but in practicality it's very unlikely to work.
I would suggest that anyone outside the intimidate family would cause a worse reaction! (ie: wtf, mind your own bloody business/the whole family is against me)

I don't believe this is a respect or discipline issue. I believe this is a grief issue. And she's entitled to grieve any way she wants. Her father is ill. He's her hero. She mightn't be able to bear seeing him in a frail state. Sure, if she continues the way she is, she'll probably regret it later in life, but woe to anyone who tries to point that out.

Getting involved in someone else's greiving is a very dangerous game to play.

And to be honest, while what I said does simplify, it stands. I only cut it down to save text. Do you honestly think someone could broach this topic with out offending her? Is Kofi Annan handy??

Jigsaw

Zulu wrote: »

@Jigsaw:
Like communism, thats all great on paper, but in practicality it's very unlikely to work.
I would suggest that anyone outside the intimidate family would cause a worse reaction! (ie: wtf, mind your own bloody business/the whole family is against me)

I don't believe this is a respect or discipline issue. I believe this is a grief issue. And she's entitled to grieve any way she wants. Her father is ill. He's her hero. She mightn't be able to bear seeing him in a frail state. Sure, if she continues the way she is, she'll probably regret it later in life, but woe to anyone who tries to point that out.

Getting involved in someone else's greiving is a very dangerous game to play.

And to be honest, while what I said does simplify, it stands. I only cut it down to save text. Do you honestly think someone could broach this topic with out offending her? Is Kofi Annan handy??

That's ok. It was just my opinion really. I accept some of what you say but not all. Sure wouldn't it be boring if we all thought the same way anyway. I just think talking to her would be worth trying. The OP says she hasn't really broached the issue with the little sis as yet.

RE: Kofi Annan, I believe he is working in Kenya to help set up a coalition government so will probably be busy. Boutros Boutros-Ghali might be free though.

To OP, I hope you are able somehow to resolve this issue with your sister and more importantly I hope your dad gets better soon.

kittensoft1984

thanks guys for all your help

Zulu

Jigsaw wrote: »

That's ok. It was just my opinion really. I accept some of what you say but not all. Sure wouldn't it be boring if we all thought the same way anyway.

Too true, but hey, I didn't mean my post in a smack-down way, sorry. Perhaps this girl does just need a kick in the arse/quiet reminder to motivate her, but it's a dangerous game.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali might be free though.

Let's bring him out!