break-up

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm going unregged for this one as it concerns someone who uses boards. It's a long one also so be warned.

I need a bit of advice. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years (both mid-20's). For five and a years we had such an honest, fun and loving relationship. He has not only been my boyfriend but my best friend as well for so long. However in the last six months I felt increasingly unhappy. The reasons I think are to do with not being happy in my job and not feeling at all fulfilled in any area of my life other than my relationship - and that's not to demean it at all, it's just it was the one happy part of my life. However, as time went by I became more and more depressed and started to withdraw I suppose. By the end of this six month period we were fighting, aloof, cold, distant and detached from each other. I began to seriously question my feelings for my boyfriend and realised that my feelings for him had changed. In my way of thinking we had ended up more like flat mates than anything else. Flat mates who rarely saw each other at that. The relationship was strained and i am disgusted with myself when I say that I think I eventually gave up in my head. So, I thought about things and slowly made the decision to end things. I didn't think it was fair for him to have to be in a relationship with someone like me - ie, someone who was questioning my feelings and depressed and unhappy with myself constantly. We spoke about things for a few weeks before we eventually did break up. The break-up happened in the last week.

The thing that is getting to me most is that he still loves me. I have never once doubted the intensity or depth of his feelings for me. Not once. And I have so completely hurt and destroyed him. He didn't want any of this to happen and he doesn't deserve to have his heart ripped out. He is destroyed and I could see in his face and hear in his words the pain that this caused him. He is such a great person and it's confusing and horrible for him. I feel like I am an awful, horrible, screwed up and cold person for having broken up with him. I know I had my reasons but no matter how many times I think of them I still end up in pieces thinking about what I have done to him. I feel this pain inside of me emotionally and even physically. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have questioned myself, my decision, my motivations - eveything. I'm sorry to sound melodramatic but this is eating me up. There are very few people I can talk to about this so I'm mostly inside my head thinking.

Since he left I have realised that I need to be happy with myself before I can ever be happy with anyone else. However, I am so worried about the pain I have caused. It extends beyond the two of us also to affect our respective families. I am not sure how I am going to be able to deal with this at all until I come to terms with all of the despicable pain I've caused. I hope that some day he can forgive me for what I've done but I'm not sure. I have explained to him as best as I can about where my head is at and he agrees that it is alot to do with me being unhappy. I can't help but think though that I have thrown away something so special for my own messed up head. We have moved out of our apartment and agreed to give each other space for a month or two.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar. I'm not looking to move on or for a quick fix, I just want to know how to get through these feelings of pain and if there is anything you think I should do. A five step manual in how to feel better would be great in cases like this ;-) i'm just so confused.

Thanks for reading and sorry it ended up so long.

Umbrella Corp

I'm so sorry to hear that you have broken up. I think you have a lot of courage and compassion. It is better that you have some time for yourself to get your head straight. Isn't it better to be seperated however hurtful than in a relationship hurting each other even more? I wish you every happiness in the future.

gerTheGreat

First off, sorry to hear about the break up. After 6 years, it must have been hard. But from what you said it was clearly for the best. You weren't getting a long and things were souring quite badly. I get the feeling that you want to try to get back together at some stage in the future. That's something that I don't think you can address right now.

First you have to sort out your personal problems. Identify what you're not happy with. Break them down into smaller problems. Address them one by one. You don't even have to do this on your own. Talk to someone who you thrust, a friend or family member. Explain how you feel. Ask them to help.

Once you have addressed these problems, you will start to feel much better about yourself. Just remember these things take time but it can be done.

Wishing you the best of luck,
Ger

fits

There is so much pain in your post You are very brave though, and it sounds like it was the right thing to do for you (and hence for both of you).

I dont know what else to say here, only I'm sure many people reading can relate, myself included.

Best of luck in the future.

Shelli

I've been there, and the only thing you can do is to keep telling yourself that even though he's hurting now that it was the best thing to do for both of you. The longer something like that is left the more hurt is caused, so better you did it now than let things fester, you may have even ended up resenting him.
Your giving each other space, and you have to stick to this and resist the temptation to call or see him.....it just leads to more heartache for everyone invloved.

I don't usually use clichés but time really is a great healer!

I hope you feel happier soon...and well done for being so brave.
The fact that you are more worried about his feeling speaks volumes about what kind of person you are and you so obviously deserve to be happy, wether it be alone, with this person or with somebody knew, and I wish you all the best in the future.

monkey9

Time is a great healer is a cliche alright, but it really is true. The best thing is to have no contact for as long as possible no matter how hard this may be.

Susipoo

Hi OP, you were absolutely right to do what you did. As some one who has been on your boyfriends side of the story I can say that I would have really appreciated if mine had broken up with me instead of insisting that we continue with a relationship that wasn't working. Feeling pain is completely natural, acknowledge it and try to move forward. I think you've done a fantastically brave thing and if you're meant to be together you will be. I hope you find your happiness very soon.

Dizzyblonde

I think you're being way too hard on yourself - you can't stay with someone you don't love just to avoid hurting them because in the long run it would hurt them even more. Your ex deserves someone who loves him wholeheartedly, and you weren't able to do that. You deserve to be with that you can love as much as they love you. It's early days, just be kind to yourself and let time heal.
Don't worry about your families, they may have feelings on the matter but ultimately it's between you and your ex.
You really did do what was right for both of you.

Mazeire

Hi OP. I think that you were very honest and brave and you showed a lot of respect towards your ex. Others could learn from you.
Things could not have gone on the way they were. You did what is right for now. Who knows what the future holds. Keep an open mind and your chin up.

LegacyUser

I think its obvious that you still love him, for a start you're still referring to him as your boyfriend at the start of the thread. And all that pain your feeling isn't for him, you're sad because you've broken up..

Sounds to me like you've broken up with him over problems that your own job/life problems caused.

LegacyUser

I was in a very similar situation as you OP. Was going out with a girl for about 4 and a half years, similar age, first real relationship. I finished college and was working, and I supposed I just realised I wanted different things in life and I didnt see myself with her in the future. It probably came a bit out of the blue for her, but it was on my mind for a long time, and to be honest, I just didnt have the courage to break her heart, which I knew it would do. But I did, and while she was wanting to try sort it out and talk, unfortunately i couldnt see any reconciliation. I wasnt happy, and I knew deep down I wouldnt be, and I didnt want ot be fooling myself or her pretending like everything would be ok.

I took drastic measures then really. I always wanted to go travelling, so I travelled for about 16 months. I was emailing her for a bit, but something happened while I was away and she seriously pissed me off, and to be honest, I really resent her now, and am so glad I did it.

Deep down if you know it is right, then try not worry about it. It is hard, and I know your parnter will be upset, but its better to do it now than in another few years and have more years of unhappiness.

Carrigart Exile

You have made your decision, please stick with it. Don't go back and dangle him when you need affection let him move on and find someone he deserves.

DetectivFoxtrot

OP I feel like crying after that post. Hope it helped (a bit) to write it down.
What you have to remember is you DID make the right decision if you were having all those feelings prior to the break-up, but I won't lie - the next few weeks and months will be very hard for you and him. I know you have concerns over both families but they will get over it. the WORST thing you could have done was to stay together for the sake of other people - I've seen so many people do that, hell some have even had 'band aid babies' i.e. knew the relationship was going nowhere, weren't strong enough to face it so thought getting pregnant would resolve it / distract them from it somehow!! You are very brave.

that's my two cents. Sorry there's not that much advice in it. Stay strong

((((((hugs))))))

0utshined

Itisnotclear wrote: »

I think its obvious that you still love him, for a start you're still referring to him as your boyfriend at the start of the thread. And all that pain your feeling isn't for him, you're sad because you've broken up..

Sounds to me like you've broken up with him over problems that your own job/life problems caused.

Going against the grain but yeah I'd be agreeing with this. Are you sure you broke up because that's what was best for you and not just because you were on a downer?

Here's the things that stuck out for me : "not feeling at all fulfilled in any area of my life other than my relationship" - sounds like the other parts of your life were where you had the problems and they impacted on your relationship, the thing that wasn't the problem.


"I didn't think it was fair for him to have to be in a relationship with someone like me - ie, someone who was questioning my feelings and depressed and unhappy with myself constantly." - that's a bit of a cop-out reason to break up with someone. If he didn't think you were being fair to him it was up to him to broach the subject. If you were still into him but having issues then talk about it and let him know the score. After 6 years ye can talk about things!

I may be wrong but I reckon if you think you might have made a mistake then you need talk to him about it rather than wonder about it for the next 20 years. If you want to be apart you need to be happy with that decision.

but don't mess him about, just be honest.

LegacyUser

Sorry OP I don't mean to tell you what your feelings are but I'd have to agree with the previous post.

For the record I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I was going out with my girlfriend for 3 years, 2 of which we spent in Oz. When we came back we decided to do the whole career thing and try and get our lives together.

I never managed get anything together. A series of bad jobs and bad experiences made me feel numb to life and to my relationship.

You say you gave up on your relationship, I did the same thing. I checked out mentally on it and treated my girlfriend like dirt for a few months. Eventually she gave up on me and ended it. It was only after that that I realised she was the only good thing in my life and I had sabotaged it beyond repair.

You need to ask yourself some serious questions,
-Did you give up on the relationship because you're life was bad or had the it simply run its course?
-You sound like a good person, but nobody is that good that they'd be that crying all the time about someone else's feeling. Are you really crying for the hurt you say you caused everyone or because you've broken up?

Sorry, I don't mean to come off harsh, or preachy. It's just that I let someone special slip out of my hands because I was focused on what was bad in my life instead of what I had.