Alcoholic Friend - What To Do?

mags16

I have a really good friend who was always a heavy drinker. And he was always a bad drunk: argumentative and repetitive. In the last year I have noticed that he is drinking heavier and more regularly. We sometimes work together in the hospitality area and often he would be drinking throughout the night with the result that he is plastered by the end of the job.

I know his family are concerned but don't think they have brought it up with him. How can his friends help him? Should we wait until things get really bad and he loses work because of it? If someone has a private chat with him, is he likely to withdraw and drink secretly? Does he need to come to realise for himself that he has a problem?

Any advice is welcome. He is a dear dear friend and I'm afraid he is doing himself some serious damage.

Miss Dee

hiya,

i think your last sentence kinda gives you the answer you are looking for.

i think you should say something to him, wont be easy i know and you run the risk of him not being impressed with you ut i do think you need to say something, ask him if things are ok at home, that you noticed this and where worried. i wouldnt expect a big heart to heart fro mthe off, think you may have a lot of these conversations with him before you get anywhere with him

mags16

I have decided to do what you suggested and invite him to my house for lunch. Just the two of us. Knowing him, he will bring a bottle of wine so I have to make sure it is a completely sober lunch. I also need to make sure that no-one else is doing the same thing because he might think there is a conspiracy.

Hopefully he won't tell me to f**k off and to mind my own business.

Advice from recovering alcoholics or friends of alcoholics would be especially welcome.

Miss Dee

yes thats a good idea. once you start the conversation it will flow out of you, its always just getting the first opening line out thats the killer.

i lived with an alcoholic for 7 years, was my mothers other half, his drink problem didnt come to light till the last year of their relationship.

he went to a dry out clinic and we where all hopefull but the sad thing is they have to want to help themselves but they wont do that till THEY beleive they have a problem. it can be a long slog.

Bod1

Be very, very careful how you approach this. Firstly, do you think he thinks he has a problem, because if he doesn't and you accuse him of being a drunk or an alcoholic you'll make the situation worse. Don't force a dry lunch either, if the guy wants a drink let him have one.

Speaking with some degree of experience here, a drinker needs to acknowledge there is a problem before they'll do anything or want to do anything about it.

I'd suggest you tell him you've taken the initiative to speak to him, ask him if he's ok generally, if he has any problems as you've been concerned about his consumption when you've been out together. Try to get him to open up, do it gently, most drinkers are sensitive about their consumption.

mags16

Bod1 wrote: »

Be very, very careful how you approach this. Firstly, do you think he thinks he has a problem, because if he doesn't and you accuse him of being a drunk or an alcoholic you'll make the situation worse. Don't force a dry lunch either, if the guy wants a drink let him have one.

I have absolutely no intention of accusing him of anything. And I am being very careful about how I approach it hence the appeal for advice.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has a drink problem. Whether he is an alcoholic or not, I don't know. He always was a heavy drinker but in the last year or two he has been drinking while working which is a big "no no" in our business. It is effecting his work. I'm worried he is going to lose jobs because of it.

Our social life revolves around the pub. And I've been known to have had one too many myself. But my friend looks for any excuse to go drinking. Instead of meeting for a daytime coffee, he wants daytime pints. When most of us have had enough and are heading home, he would be plastered and looking for even more pints. Reading over my post, I don't think it is coming across how bad the problem is. Believe me, it's bad. I'm not a puritan when it comes to drink.

The irony is that a close family member of his is an alcoholic and he is regularly called upon to look after this person when they are unwell. I think the pressure of this responsibility is one of the root causes of his own problem.

I'm just wondering if a cosy lunch between us is going to do any good or is he just going to resent me.

I love my friend dearly. I don't want to lose our friendship over this.

cue

Focus on their behaviour and actions only. Avoid personality issues, or moral judgements. Never suggest they have a problem. That is up to them. Do not argue with them or indulge in defending your own failings (if you have any ). Remind them that you are there to talk about their behaviour, nothing else. If they want to blame you for being rude, let them. You could be wrong but you just want to tell them that this is how you see it. Sometimes that is enough, sometimes not. Be as honest as you can and explain that you are just worried, perhaps needlessly. I have done this a few times and have never lost friendships over it. Either the people have problems and do something about it, or they don't have a problem and we work it out as normal friends would who have had a misunderstanding. Good luck.