Long term gf problem

dudeson

Hi folks,

Long time reader,first time poster!

I've been living with mf girlfriend for about two years now(together about eight). The problem is that she has become incredibly lazy and inactive. Nothing interests her only eating,drinking and sitting on the couch. As a result she has put on lots of weight and is now about three stone overweight.

I love her dearly and want to marry her (hopefully soon) but this is starting to effect our lives. Sex is beginning to dry up because I'm finding myself less attracted to her (not just physically but her whole attitude is now putting me off!)

I really want to bring this up but how? Do I even have the right to be pissed off? Should her weight be even bothering me?

Thanks for your advice,
Dudeson

Carrigart Exile

She sounds a touch depressed. Can you break the cycle of her coming home from work, her flopping on settee? Maybe start by making a point of going for a walk, even going to the pub, anything just to break that cycle?

gamer

get her an exercise bike, go for a walk with her,she sounds depressed,say2 you need to lose weight ,otherwise you will get diabetes ,of course you have a right to be annoyed ,shes neglecting her weight and it will destroy your relationship ,and destroy her good health.get book on losing weight,ask her nicely to go on a diet.,be nice ,gentle but firm,we need to tackle this problem,we can do it if we are determined.
Why would you marry some1 whos not attractive or wont take care of herself, give her 6months to change ,or else leave her, maybe she needs counselling re depression problem,every1 needs 1hour a day exercise to keep healthy .SHE MIGHT put on weight,get depressed cos shes overwieght ,its a vicious cycle,3stone overweight,thats A MAJOR HEALTH crisis,but its solvable,some1 like that prbly wont go to a gym.4 a start go 4 a walk 20mins a day, then increase it gradually to 40mins,this will only get worse if you leave it.
she will need to go on a strict diet, say we need to do this,to save the relationship,maybe her friends could help, she,s taking you for granted

Sherifu

What kind of activities does she enjoy? You'll both need to put some effort in to turn things around. Get her up and out.

mydarkstar

Honesty may not be the best policy here

whatever you do please don't just buy her a diet book /gym membership and say "there you go, loose some weight"!!! I couldnt think of anything guaranteed to bring her down even more. A better idea might be if you learn to cook healthier versions of things she likes already... won't make it seem like a diet.

Try to fit in more outdoor activities together. With the evenings being brighter for longer (and hopefully better weather) you could try fit in some walks after work. I'm not talking about going hiking but just a walk somewhere nice like the beach or the local park would be a good start. It could help to get her out of the rut of work/home/bed that we can all very easily slip into.

Whatever you decide it might be best if you do it together, a bit of support is always helpful. There's nothing worse than trying to diet when your other half is tucking into a pack of chocolate biccies on the sofa beside you.

Best of luck!!!

Corkgirl21

Definitely don't buy her a diet book or tell her she needs to lose weight. That will make her feel so bad. She will know herself she's put on weight but she odesn't need someone she loves telling her that. I agree with the posters that she might be down or depressed. Is she happy in her job? with her friends? Is there anything you're doing that might be upsetting her (not saying you are at all!! Maybe you are treating her differently now that she's put on weight and if she's upset she'll eat more.)

It's a tricky situation to handle but the best thing is like some people have suggested is to do some activity in the evening, like going for walks. If you have a car you could drive to somewhere nice to walk which would make it more of a night that just leaving for a walk. Or you could take up a dance class, like ballroom dancing.

Or instead of eating out you could go for picnics and bring healthy food like fruits.

You say it's her attitude to it all that's part of the problem but if it's only recently this has happened she's still the same person, something must''ve happened to instigate this change. Try to think of the cause for the change.

Bit rambling sorry! Hope it helps

gamer

go to doctor with her,make sure she has no medical,problem, say 2her we have a problem,we have to deal with this,face up 2it,simply changing diet may not help much,are you saying i want to marry an overweight ,depressed woman,whom i dont find attractive/sexy, that makes no sense, FORGET about marriage ,in the courts ,law,marriage is a peace of paper,a contract to publicly live with,take care of some1,sort out this problem, 3stone overweight can lead2 strokes, diabetes, do you intend working as an unpaid nurse/carer,either TACKLE THIS HEAD ON,honestly,or else get out of this relationship,she needs more exercise,change of diet,change of lifestyle,otherwise shes facing into major medical problems, would u marry some1 who was addicted to cocaine or heroin,this is a major medical problem ,it needs to be adressed as 1,not ignored ,just be nice say WE NEED to tackle this problem as a couple,be4 our relationship breaks down,do u want to be pushing her round in a wheelchair in ten years time.
i know loads of married people who are miserable, a piece of paper will not help her to lose weight,it just means you are financially responsible for the care of person in bad health,who has a legal claim on your houseand your bank account ,and may evict you in the future,if she feels like it.
SOME women on the pill,or medication put on a lot of weight ,get depressed,take no exercise,get depressed cos they r fat,its a vicious circle,she needs SERIOUS medical treatment.

Wibbs

JimmyWiddleSuit banned for simply being daft.

IanCurtis

(OT: can these posts not be deleted? They really bring down this forum)

Toots

I agree with the people saying not to get her a gym membership or diet book. Speaking from experience here, I'm guessing she's probably a bit depressed and in all likelihood is well aware of how much weight she's put on (in fact she probably thinks it's even more than it is, which makes her more depressed). A tactful way of doing things would be to say, WE really need to get more active, WE eat far too much junk food/drink too much booze,etc. And then come up with a regieme together. If you come across like you genuinely want to do this as a couple, it'll be a lot easier, trust me. As MyDarkStar said, learn to cook healthier versions of the things she already likes, and maybe surprise her with a healthy romantic meal. When you're doing the shopping, make a list and stick to it, no impulse buys and no junk food, so that way she won't be able to sit in front of the TV and 'graze' in the evenings, and if she wants a snack it'll have to be something healthy, so it won't be as bad.

Also I'd ask her is there anything getting her down at the moment. My weight ballooned when I was having problems in my job last year and I'm still struggling to lose it. She's also probably aware that your attitude towards her has changed too, so you need to make sure she really feels loved and supported. As regards the exercise, buying an exercise bike or treadmill would be about a subtle as a brick to the face, so I'd suggest taking a nice walk together in the evenings, even if it's just a little stroll to the video store to get a DVD, any exercise is better than none! A dog is a great way of getting people active, bringing the dog out for a walk is much more fun than just going for a boring old walk on your own

Also be aware, that the weight loss will not happen over night, realistically when you put on weight, it can take as much as three times as long to lose it as it took you to put it on. She may not be as slender as she was before, but the goal is for her to get healthy both mentally and physically. I think you'll find if she manages to overcome what's getting her down at the moment, the weight issue will as good as resolve itself.

dudeson

Hi folks,

Thanks for all the replies. I'm really surpised there hasn't been more " you selfish git! just love her for who she is!"

I probably should have pointed out a couple of things in my orginal post.

I go to the gym 4 times a week and try to eat as healthy as I can. I cook at least 3 times a week for us so we can sit down and have a healthy meal. She suggests a take-away nearly every night but I always say I don't want one. This always causes a row (she gets one anyway).

I'm pretty sure she's not depressed. She has a good job and plenty of friends there. The money she earns is good. With a car she bought with cash and no loans, this leads to her having a pretty good lifestyle. She has a far busier social life than me! Unfortunately, when she does go out it's pints and crap food.
We have two trips abroad planned for this year. One of which is her dream holiday that she's wanted to do for ages.

For these reasons I think it was just an attitude change when we moved in together. Why should she look after herself if she already has me?(health? self-respect? respect for us?)
I'd better stop typing bfore I get too bitter.

I'l keep you updated.

Dudeson

Mixedup

god...

if she's not depressed or anything..then i'd say it to her..(nicely obviously)

speaking from experience, i put on weight last year purely because of my lifestyle, pizza's, chinese, all the rubbish in the world and zero excercise, you don't even realise it's happening when you're out drinking with friends and having fun!

but over christmas an aunt of mine said it to me and i got a shock (wasn't offended but it hit home) and i started being more aware of what i was eating and doing a bit of exercise, nothing major but walking the dog and buying low fat foods for a change, i lost a stone and a half since then and it didnt kill me to do it, she'll feel better about herself and you'll feel better about the relationship.

after 8 years, if u explain that you still love her and all that jazz to fluff it up a bit, just be honest and say your worried for her health, she'll thank you in the long run..

Overheal

How often do you guys date anymore? Even going out for pizza and a movie is more active than dominoes and TV. I mean if youre going to do something boring do it with a bit of class

With enough time spent out of the house it becomes the norm. Too much time in the house makes being in the house the norm. Im scared of daylight... get someone used to being out and they will want to be out.

Seraphina

dudeson wrote: »

Why should she look after herself if she already has me?(health? self-respect? respect for us?)

tbh considering that last post i think you've hit the nail on the head

she's just stopped trying and is getting lazy (take-aways every night?!?), and i'm guessing she's assuming a marriage proposal is on the way if you have been together that long

that kind of attitude is very disrespectful to your partner IMO.

i think in this situation, you need to be frank with her. you've been together 8 years, you should be able to sit her down and tell her honestly (but tactfully!) that you've put on weight, you're starting to not find her attractive any more, and you can't see yourself remaining in a long term situation with someone who doesn't respect themself or their partner enough to take care of themselves.

you could ask her to consider questions like if you had kids would you feed them unhealthy take-aways all the time etc. as you couldn't see yourself being ok with that kind of nutritional education from yourselves as parents.

personally though, i think she's just taking you for granted and is happy to stuff her gob with whatever, get fat, and assume you'll always be there, and to me, that kind of attitude really needs a very harsh wake-up call

gamer

ok,she sounds like an ignorant,selfish person,she has an attitude problem,shes disrespecting you,doing her own thing,if she wants to continue her unhealthy lifestyle,thats her right,its not her right to ruin your life,be frank ,say get fit,lose weight,change your diet,lifestyle,in her own mind,you are married already,shes taking you 4granted,she has a serious attitude/health problem,
WHY the hell would you wanna marry this person,an overweight unattractive,agressive fat woman with a bad attitude,not to be rude are you living there cos its her house,your afraid maybe 2move out and find a new place to live,maybe you have a joint mortgage,sounds like its routine,no ROMANCE left in this relationship,you are being waaay to nice to her,are you like im age 30sumthin ,time to get married ,even if my relationship is almost nonexistant.GIVE her 1month ,if she wont say i have serious health,attitude problems ,these are all the things i ,ll do,change diet,a full work out, exercise program,medical checkup ,radical change of lifestyle,no more fast food,daily exercise program,thats her only hope, otherwise my advice is get ready to end this relationship,be4 she drives you up the wall.
SOUNDS like a woman i know,she goes out a lot ,eats alot of fast food, drinks a lot, drives everywhere and gets almost no exercise,apart from work.
TRY and help her but i doubt if shes the type to accept help,at this stage,
95percent chance you,ll have to gracefully END this relationship,i dont think its worth saving, i hope i,m not be too harsh,calling a spade a spade.
she needs a carer,nurse more than a boyfriend, dont facilitate her unhealthy lifestyle.THIS advice,go 4 a walk once a day,that ,ll make little difference ,its a start,she,ll need a full exercise program,to lose weight,average person needs 50mins of exercise a aday just 2stay healthy,she,ll need an exercise bike,step machine, real exercise daily,weekly program.Some women ,are like,you moved in ,i got my bloke,so they let themself go,shes acting like an old married woman,so you are like at a point of do i move out,start looking 4 a new place,or is there a small chance i can change her behavior,i know its tough to think,i might have to break up,start from scratch,find my own place to live,after 8years its a
critical choice,or do i holdon ,maybe things will improve,in someways its easier to stay ,financially etc even if the romance is almost gone.
this woman needs a real wake up call ,shes not taking care of her health,and also not taking care of the relationship.

scoot on

I put on weight when I first moved in with my bf. It wasn't a case of not looking after myself, it was just the cosy lifestyle that we got into at the start. Come home from college, through on some quick grub and curl up on the couch with each other for the night. I've always been a sporty person though so it wasn't long before I got out of that routine. I think it was just a novelty thing at the start. You say you're living together for two years. I think you'll have to do something about it because she doesn't seem to be getting out of the routine. I know you say you go to the gym a few times a week but maybe instead of doing that you could go for a walk or buy two bikes and go cycling with your gf instead. It's coming into summer now so it's much easier to do things in the evening. Or sign up to a kick boxing class, the two of you??

Victor

gamer, can you take a back seat from this thread.

gamer

ok, i ve said enough,i hope i,m not being too harsh,or negative ,its up to you to decide to leave or stay,i dont wish to insult her as a person,im saying her lifestyle is unhealthy,that doesnt necessarily mean shes a bad person,any1 thats 3stone overweight is putting their health at risk.

dudara

gamer, please take this constructively, but if you continue to post in this forum, can you please use capitals and sentence structure to help make your point. Your posts are quite hard work to read and it is distracting from your advice.

dudara

comongethappy

Hmm... tricky situation

Before you confront her, just ask her if she's feeling stressed or down over anything in her life to rule this out as a cause of her weight gain. Some people aren't neccesarly depressed, but are stress eaters. Does she have a chance to be promoted in work or a project that's not coming together properly? Just check before assuming she must be taking advantage of her position in the relationship.

I do agree with the other posters regarding eating take aways every night. If this is the woman you want to have children with, do you want her negative lifestyle habits influencing them? You need to tell her that for her sake and your future's sake, she needs to make a couple lifestyle changes.

To get help get her out and fit again, maybe skip the gym one night a week and opt for a salsa class together? It could help re-ignite the passion in the bedroom as well.

I hope you can sort this out, best of luck

seaner

hi,
I would wholeheartidly agree with other's responses here and also suggest that ye two try and take up an activity together.
Yes you've got the gym, but maybe once a week you could bring your gf along for a game of squash? Or does your gym have a pool, maybe you could do a class there?

Has your GF acknowledged that she's gained weight? Cuz I'd find it strange if she hasn't. And if she hasn't then I think the problem goes a little deeper than just 'letting herself go'.

However if she has complained / whined / moaned to you about gaining the weight then this can be a way for you to encourage her to be active. i.e. 'You're always going on about it, why don't we take up hill walking??"

I don't think a 3 stone gain is normal by any means. I really feel that there's something more going on here, you're probably completely unaware of it?

Best thing to do is sit down and have a talk with your gf either way.

Toots

seaner wrote: »

Has your GF acknowledged that she's gained weight? Cuz I'd find it strange if she hasn't. And if she hasn't then I think the problem goes a little deeper than just 'letting herself go'.

I don't think a 3 stone gain is normal by any means. I really feel that there's something more going on here, you're probably completely unaware of it?

I definitely agree with this! Maybe putting on a half a stone or so when you move in with someone would be 'letting yourself go', a stone tops, but a three stone weight gain is quite a considerable amount. I'd be very shocked if there's not some other contributing factor here. Just becaue someone is outwardly happy and sociable doesn't mean they're not depressed. They may not be showing 'textbook signs' of depression, they may be suffering from it none the less.

You really need to sit down and talk to her, ask her how she's feeling and is there anything going on in her life that she's finding tough to cope with. It might not be one specific thing, it could be loads of little things that are all piling up. Explain that you notice she's gained weight, but don't say something like 'Look, you've gotten fat lately, is there something wrong in your life.' say to her that you're worried about the amount of junk food and rubbish she's eating, say that you've noticed she's put on some weight and you're worried about her health. She'll probably counter with 'I don't eat that much junk, I can't believe you're calling me fat!' and an argument may ensue, but you need to stick to your guns, and make sure she knows you're saying this because you love her and are worried about her, but you need to let her know that her lifestyle is affecting your relationship and that she has to make some changes, for both your sakes.

buckfast4me

Never mind all that, tell her to take a hike.

Wibbs

Sheesh, he might actually love her, you know?

BraziliaNZ

she probably doesn't know she's that overweight. Are her friends fat? If you have fat friends you're more likely to be fat yourself. I was a couple of stone overweight a few years ago, even though I was pretty active, the gym a few times a week etc. It took serious discipline to lose 2.5 stone and you basically have to transform yourself, but it's worth it in the end. It's hard enough to motivate yourself, never mind someone else. You should maybe be frank with her about it. You can't go out with someone you're not attracted to. She sounds like a slob to me. If you live in Dublin she probably doesnt need the car, tell her to cycle to work maybe, although that in itself is nowhere near enough of a change it's a start. When I lived in Dublin I was always amazed at the amount of young women drivers alone in their little brand new hatchbacks who were quite glad to sit for 2 hours in traffic every morning rather than walk/cycle/take bus. A kick up the arse is called for bro.