My Dad is having an affair

LegacyUser

I went abroad with my family for 3 weeks last summer. I would go out with my Dad sometimes to the pub etc. when my little brother and mum would go back to bed. He stayed on for an extra week in this said place when we all left. My mum was not impresses with this but what could she do.

He went back a month ago for a month. When he came back everything seemed to be ok. My mum said she was alright. I helped out a lot extra around the house.
Then today i sent a text off my dads phone. It had a message already in "create message" basically talking to another woman. Further investigation into his inbox I can confirm he is definetly having an affair with a local.

If i confront him I think he might just leave Ireland. Economy not going well, he's under a lot of stress.

Do i tell him to tell my Mum....

I passionatley now hate the people that come from where he went. Im going back there this year with my friends. How do i even enjoy myself when all i have is this image of him with one of their money grabbing natives

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your situation, its a terrible one to be in. I was in a similar position a few years ago - I knew my da was having an affair (with a work collegue) and my mother didn't. I decided to stay quiet and say nothing.

In my opinion I think you are better off saying nothing. My reason for saying this is that you said if you do confront him you think he may leave the country. This way everyone loses. If you say nothing it might resolve itself. I know many people wont agree with me but if you do say something to either parent your relationship with them will never be the same again. This way if it does come out in the open you can still be on good terms with both of them.

Oryx

On the issue of you going back there, do you have to? Could you change your plans. Quite apart from that though, to blame every one of them for your dad having an affair there is a bit unfair on the whole population of the place.

Can you talk to your dad, adult to adult? Does he usually listen to your opinion? Knowing his personality, do you think interfering here by talking to him will help or hinder the whole situation? All stuff I think you need to decide before becoming involved in the whole situation. A marriage is a separate thing that involves that two people, they deal with it in their own way, people are usually best not to interfere, as no one has the full facts and knowledge of the marriage but them, and this holds even for their kids, so tread carefully.

fits

KtK wrote: »

A marriage is a separate thing that involves two people, they deal with it in their own way, people are usually best not to interfere, as no one has the full facts and knowledge of the marriage but them, and this holds even for their kids, so tread carefully.

Especially for the kids I'd imagine. To be honest, you should not have snooped around your dad's phone. Whats going on here is your parents' business not yours. If you do have to talk to someone, mention it to your Dad, but I think you're better off staying out of it and accepting that your parents lead their own lives which arent your responsibility.

You do have my sympathies, I cant imagine its something nice to find out.

Redpunto

Gonna play the devil's advocate now but what about his ma? Does she not deserve the respect and right to know the truth? SHe is being played for a fool. Its obviously a difficult thing for a child to know about his parents but you also have to take responsibiltiy for the knowledge you have.

Overheal

Maybe she already knows the truth?

Whatever you decide, tread lightly on it. More probable that you'll just be adding fuel to the fire by getting involved.

My stepmom's ex-husband became so when he went on a tour of duty in somewheres and started seeing someone. They divorced in short order, he had 2 more kids. He still lives in the country and up till the end they still kept things quite civil between them - much more so then my own parents (except that wasnt an affair.. completely different scenario) so dont always assume the worst.

Sherifu

Hard to say what to do tbh OP. Difficult situation to be in. Do you let them work out their problems, tell your mum or speak to your dad. These things happen in life, good luck with whatever you do.

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. OP, nightmare situation for you. Do you know who he is having the affair with? It really is best that you don't get involved. You can always tell your Dad you know but don't go issuing any ultimatums, unfortunately your parents are adults and as awful as this is for your Mum it is there marriage so try and stay out of it if you can.

Bob the Builder

I know how you feel OP, although I have no experience, I have a good friend who was in the same situation as you recently.

The mother was the culprate, and a family meeting was arranged. The mother was challenged with the husband present. They chose to sweep it under the carpet and never talk about it again.

Different relationships have different wats of dealing with it.

Find a friend you trust* and pass all your deecisions through him and her, just ask for their say, it will help you greatly.

* When i say trust, make sure there is trust between you. An affair always makes for good gossip.

DetectivFoxtrot

Hi OP, I feel your pain. 8 years ago my sis and I twigged my dad was having an affair (we overheard a number of phonecalls when we were both working shift - one morning he though everyne was out of the house at work but we were both upstairs in the bedroom listening to his sordid calls)- it was a horrible time. We never had the perfect family by any stretch but we were gutted all the same. Once we knew we HAD to tell mam. We had too much respect for her. tbh i don't know how you can go on as if everything is ok - it may work for a while but you won't be able to keep up the facade especially if he goes on another 'trip' - you'll end up feeling so guilty and the guilt should be his burden, not yours.. What if it all comes out eventually and it emerges that you knew? your mam would be devastated. I know you don't want to break up the family (and it may not come to that - some couples work through it) but speaking as a person who's gone through it you should tell her. You need to imo. They could also both be unhappy in the marriage and looking for an out, after all he's having an affair for a reason...

my parents split after we told mam but that's because my dad wanted to go with the other woman - permanantly. 8 years on they are both seeing other people and have happy lives.....

but I know every situation is different, especially if young children are involved - we were in our early 20's.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do....

seahorse

I think you should tell your mother. If I were her I would take my child keeping the facts from me as a double betrayal.

This situation is awful and obviously unfair on you, but it's unfair on your mother also and I think she deserves the facts about what's going on in her own marriage.

LegacyUser

I had a similar situation to this a few years ago. I had a sneaking suspicion that my Dad was having an affair but really didnt know for certain. I tend to be a very introverted person so didnt really say anything to anyone... It was eating at me for quite some time though.

Came home one day and found my sisters had thrown my dad out. Theyd known too and had decided enough was enough and it had to be done. It was a very tough time..... things were very rocky for awhile.

My parents worked it out in the end though.... I think my dad finally realised what he stood to lose and copped on. I think my parents are now happier than they have ever been.

Do you have any siblings that you can talk to about this? Sometimes it hepls to share the burden. Had I known that my sisters knew about it I would definately have said something sooner. Think about your mom in this situation and how she feels.

LegacyUser

I talked to my dad about it last night. I suggested just sweeping it under the rug and for him to NEVER do it again or I would never talk to him again. Came back this morning after football. He had told my Mum (due to guilt, he never mentioned to my mum i knew). My house is a warzone. My dad wasnt there. He went for a walk to clear his head. Its been 3 hours, he hasnt come back. Shame is probably causing this. My Mum is crying and distraught.

Whenever friends' parents got divorced i never considered it could happen to us. I feel my dad could lose out here a lot. Hes still my dad after all. I hope they get through it.

Affairs are nightmares. Heard some mad statistic as well that over 50% of people over 50 have had affairs while married.

Miss Fluff

Oh you poor thing. Have you siblings there at home with you that you can discuss this with and help you get through it? There is no knowing how it will go from here, and I am afraid I can't offer any advice to you.

Big hugs though x

Sherifu

Sorry to hear that OP, it's not your fault and it's for them to sort out. Good luck.

AARRRGH

That's horrible. I think you did the right thing by talking to your father about it.

I hope it works out.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Something similar happened to me, except it was my mother who cheated.
I found out, but was blackmailed to keep it secret.
Eventually my Dad found out and they split up, but although he's not annoyed at me, he does wish I had told him sooner.

He's much happier now he's rid of her and in general the family is much happier. Things are still tough but it's best it's out in the open.

All the best and hope things turn out well, just remember that the best thing to happen might not seem it at the time.

chuci

sounds horrible altogether you poor thing. you did the right thing though talking with your dad. things are going to be rocky for awhile but hopefully it will get better with time and everything will sort itself out. do you have any close friends or siblings to talk it over with and to support you/ eachother.

Seth Brundle

Sorry to hear about this but although things may seem roough now, they will work out for the better in the long term.
It is a good idea for you to talk to a good mate about this so you can get it off your chest.

DetectivFoxtrot

Fir play to you having the chat with your dad OP, hats off - that must've been really diffcult.

If it's any consolation things will get better, it's just very raw for your mam at the moment. I have to say fair play to your Dad telling her, he could have easily played the blackmail/guilt trip card on you that other posters have experienced.
When it came out in my house the exact same thing happened only it was mam that went out to clear her head and my dad stayed at home as if everything was going to remain 'normal'. My sis and I layed into him, he couldn't hack it, felt really sorry for himself and ran upstairs and packed a bag.

what's critical is that when he's back they talk it out, even if you have to force them to. The worst thing is having this' thing' lingering over everyone's head and not saying a word about it/expressing their feelings - the anger will just fester.. You'll only be able to suffer that 'walking on eggshells' feeling for so long and then smeone will crack (most likely your mam).

Good luck with the next few days - it'll be very tough on everyone - post again if you need any advice or just want to clear your head

*hugs*