am i too picky? should i be selfish?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Just wondering what someone should do in this situation. I am a normal bloke in my mid 20s but not too great with the ladies on a whole,im not a total disaster and meet up with girls every now and again but very rarely and its just usually drunken meet ups, not dates.
I havent had a girlfriend in about 3 years but im sort of seeing a girl now. This girl is the 'perfect' girl ,i.e. great looking, really friendly, has got cool interests, nothing wrong with her and she has told friends she'd like to go out with me.

But my problem is I dont want to go out with her because Im just simply not that attracted to her. My mates cant really understand whats wrong and this has happened once before in the last 2 years.I would love to go out with a girl I was deeply attracted to and yes i have experienced this in the past.When i ask "should I be selfish", i mean should i go out with her because i may never meet someone if i keep carrying on like that. Basically i would be going out with her for myself as a "just in case"

The obvious advice is NOT to go out with her if im not really overly attracted to her and that is the route i will most likely take, but does anyone here think theres room for the other opinion,i.e go out with her because im being too picky and will end up alone?
I might add the fact that it has been about 4 or 5 years since i have really really fell for a girl which is starting to concern me,and no i am not gay

tbh

if you know that you are not attracted to her, don't go out with her. It'll never work. Kudos for knowing your feelings so well, I don't think it's weird that you are "fussy", I think you are a strong person because you won't go out with someone just for the sake of it. Don't start wavering now!

Sherifu

Hmmm, fear of ending up alone isn't a great reason for going out with someone.

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact same boat. Seeing someone that's nice and that I get on with like a house on fire, but I'm just not very attracted to her. I've dumped her once before but now we're more or less back together and it's very hard for me to shake her.

Don't fall into the same trap as me, knock this relationship on it's head now or you'll end up in a sticky spot like me.

Zulu

I was like this. How long have you been seeing her?
Is it possible you aren't really giving her a fair chance?

There's plenty of room for being selfish, you are looking for someone for you after all - no room for being dishonest though.
If she's all the thing you are saying, and you are enjoying your night out with her - keep it up. Your feeling might only be developing for her. However, be sure you don't string her along - don't lie, and you'll be alright.
If it's been dragging out, or you really know it's not for you, let her go. If you're still unsure though, perhaps she deserves a little futher consideration - i mean she IS hot after all

You might get lucky and get that old teenage infactuation with someone off the bat, but i honestly believe, as we get older, we tend to be more self-preserving; that we control these responses. - just a taught.

Leila4

anono wrote: »

Hi,
I might add the fact that it has been about 4 or 5 years since i have really really fell for a girl which is starting to concern me,and no i am not gay

Do you think its possible that your actually not over your ex and are comparing every girl you meet with her?

Either way don't string this girl along if your hearts not in it.

AngryBadger

I think most people wind up seeing someone for the reasons you've described above. And in my view it's a guaranteed disaster.

So what if you're 25 and not with someone. Are you on a deadline or something?

In my experience people who get into relationship because they think they should or because they're afraid of being alone are generally fairly weak-minded, and fairly weak-willed. These people oftne wind up either being pathological cheats, or involved in relationships that are at best unhappy, at worst abusive.

Regardless of how"great" this girl is, and regardless of what your friends think, if you get involved ina relationship when you know that you're not really attracted to this girl then it's going to end in tears.

Stay the course, and eventually you'll find someone you are attracted to.

LegacyUser

thanks for replies, Im seeing her about 2 months,ive met her maybe 5 or 6 times, she definetely wants to see whats going on now so Ill have to be up front. Its not that I need to go out with someone now, it doesnt bother me in the slightest being single but its more for the long run. I dont want to turn around some day in the future and realise Ive turned down women in the past for no reason.

Zulu, you said :"You might get lucky and get that old teenage infactuation with someone off the bat, but i honestly believe, as we get older, we tend to be more self-preserving; that we control these responses. - just a taught." -This is my only problem, that I might be still wanting that old teenage infactuation and expecting too much from meeting new girls.

No its definetely not the ex issue, maybe a long long time ago it might have been, but she is now in a serious relationship with a friend of mine, and I am quite good friends with her. There is no feelings whatsoever and we've both changed alot. But on saying that its the feelings I HAD for her is what looking for in someone else.

Thanks again, I think Ill finish it with this girl before it gets out of hand. Im sure Ill meet someone in the future, after all my brother never had a girlfriend until he was 30,he's now getting married after a 2 year relationship.

Zulu

Finish it because you want to. Fair enough. Thats decent.

...But you've only met her 5 or 6 times. Thats nothing. 5 or 6 times - think about it. You wouldn't consider someone a "best mate" after meeting them 5 or 6 times - do you really think you'll consider a girl your "soul mate"?

I dunno, maybe I'm getting cynical. But I'd be bloody catious holding out for teenage infacuation in your twenties - besides, thats not even a healthy relationship.

Fudar

I can only go from personal experience on this one, but I have to say, being with someone you're not attracted to just because you can doesn't work. I did it with my ex, he was such a lovely guy, funny, smart, really caring... I really really really wanted to fancy him, but deep down I don't think I ever did. We eventually broke up over something trivial and about 6 months ago I met someone else. Now, my new relationship isn't perfect either, we have some issues, but I swear, just the sight of him makes me happier than I ever was with #1, and whatever issues we might have, the intimacy is amazing. It's really opened my eyes, and I just know that I'm never again going to want to settle, no matter how lonely I might get (And I've been single for more than 2yrs before!) I'm not going out with someone nice, just because I want a boyfriend.

Don't beat yourself up over why you don't fancy her either, there simply might not be that spark. I had no good reason not to be attracted to my ex, but I flat out wasn't, and it was pretty much doomed from the start. Now I worry that I really hurt him when we broke up, simply because I couldn't feel it as deeply as he did. Think about what you would be doing to this girl if you dated her, if you were getting her to care about you (unintentionally), before deciding it wasn't worth it and maybe breaking her heart?

Moral of the story? Be selfish, it serves you better in the long run!