relationship advice

LegacyUser

Hey guys,
Gonna go unregistered on this one...
It's not a major problem, but any advice would be appreciated....

Being going with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now, and have recently noticed that when ever she's out with her college mates, there's one guy who always ends up gettin close to her. This can be anything from an arm around her waist in front of me or holding hands, etc...

It's not constantly happening but it seems like everytime they're out I'm going to have to witness this kind of behavior.

I trust her completely, and I know it's all entirely innocent, but it still rankles.

AM I being a jealous over-involved boyfriend? Or is it really fair for me to have to know that everytime they're out they're gonna have get all affectionate with each other. I personally wouldn't act like that with another girl, especially over and over again, no matter how friendly we were.

But again maybe I'm just being prudish here....I dunno, and advise would be MUCH appreciated!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I dont consider myself to be a jelous person and I have a very trusting relationship with my GF. However, if I was in your position I would be feeling bothered as you are. Again, I trust my GF completely and there'd be no issue on that front.

Being bothered by something like that doesn't mean your jealous. The best advice I can give you is to mention it to your GF, explain that you trust her etc... but your not comfortable by the level of affection/touchy feely activity that goes on with this guy and you'd prefer if it was toned down.

At the end of the day, you have been going out with this girl for 2years, I am sure she has a good idea by now that you are not an obssesive (SP?) / jelous control freak and I am sure she will understand your concern over the situation.

St Bill

I don't think you're jealous and over involved. It's perfectly natural that you want to know what's going on in this guy's head. It's great that you trust your girlfriend...that's the most important thing and don't let that change.
It might be a silly question, but does this guy know you and his friend are in a relationship? It might be as simple as him not knowing.
If he does know, well it appears he's a bit of a knob for being so familiar with your girlfriend in front of you. Although he might just be like that with all his friends. Get to know him a bit better, see what the story is and don't come to any conclusions just yet as to what he's up to

Marksie

Have you actually asked your girlfriend at all what its about? Not in an upset or confrontational manner.. but actually talked to her?

St Bill

Dave Monkhouse wrote: »

Hi,


Being bothered by something like that doesn't mean your jealous. The best advice I can give you is to mention it to your GF, explain that you trust her etc... but your not comfortable by the level of affection/touchy feely activity that goes on with this guy and you'd prefer if it was toned down.

If my boyfriend said that to me, I owuld be extremely p**sed off. It would be a sign that he doesn't trust me and that I need to be protected from my male friends in case they try it on. Might as well put me up in a tower and protect me from dragons
The OP trusts his girlfriend, she's not doing anything to cause this situation. The OP is feeling uneasy because it seems this other guy is trying it on. He should deal with the source of the problem and not drag his girlfriend into it.

BaZmO*

St Bill wrote: »

It's perfectly natural that you want to know what's going on in this guy's head.

It doesn't matter what's going on in this other guy's head, it's what's going on in his girlfriend's head that's important. There are always gonna be guys that want to get with his girlfriend and it's up to his girlfriend to make sure it doesn't happen.

OP, have you actually talked to your girlfriend about this? I wouldn't make a big deal out of it initially but just mention it to her that he seems to be very touchy feely when they're out and see what she says.

Zulu

Aww man, there's being understanding, and there's being a push over. He might as well be taking a wiss on her leg! Stand up for yourself. Never mind your gf for a minute; what's he saying to you?

Everyone and every relationship is different. You need to explain what you are and are not comfortable with to your GF. Perhaps you are happy to have other men act like her bf in your presence?

Personally, I would not be comfortable with some dude putting his arms around my OH's waist or holding her hand. Personally I my biggest problem would be with this guy pushing my boundaries - that's not something friends do to each other, so he doesn't see you as a friend, and he hasn't respect for your gf either to treat you in this way.

I'd also be asking my gf why she thinks it's ok - surly she wouldn't be happy if you were to act like this with other girls?

Zulu

St Bill wrote: »

If my boyfriend said that to me, I owuld be extremely p**sed off. It would be a sign that he doesn't trust me and that I need to be protected ...

Either that, or he got the impression you were in a exclusive relationship. Of course if you weren't there would be no problem with such behaviour.

Loomis

St Bill wrote: »

If he does know, well it appears he's a bit of a knob for being so familiar with your girlfriend in front of you.

But she's not doing anything to stop it so she's being 'familiar' with him as much as he is with her.

St Bill wrote: »

If my boyfriend said that to me, I owuld be extremely p**sed off. It would be a sign that he doesn't trust me and that I need to be protected from my male friends in case they try it on. Might as well put me up in a tower and protect me from dragons
The OP trusts his girlfriend, she's not doing anything to cause this situation. The OP is feeling uneasy because it seems this other guy is trying it on. He should deal with the source of the problem and not drag his girlfriend into it.

Jesus that's some warped logic. Eh, yes she is causing it. Arguably more so than the guy. She's letting him do it. She's holding his hand. She's as much at fault as the other guy. Otherwise what you're saying is if your mate was putting his arms around your waist and holding your hand in front of your boyfriend you'd let him and have no problem with it other than thinking your boyfriend should stop it? Hmm...

OP - dude, have words. Seriously. Whatever about putting an arm around a waist or shoulder as friends can but holding hands? That's seriously out of order.

LegacyUser

Cheers for all the help guys.

Just top explain something I didn't make clear-he's not a friend of mine-she knows him from college, and I come out occasionally. In fact the guy, from my limited sober dealings with him, seems to be a bit of a prick to me-I think he feels like he's got some sort of right to her or something-he won't ever look me in the eye.

Yeah I'll bring it up with her, but it's gonna be tricky, cause she gets pretty defensive....

St Bill

Well I'm going by the OP's post....he says he trusts her. If he posted saying that he's girlfriend is making eyes at this other guy, then I would definitely say to have a chat with her and ask what's going on.
From the OP's post, he's saying he has an issue with this other guy, not his girlfirend.



'Jesus that's some warped logic'
Mr Anderson, what do you expect? I'm a girl for godsakes : ) : p

AnonoBoy

Holding hands with your girlfriend right in front of you?

That's just not on.

Does she hold lots of her friends hands? Or is it just this one guy? Does she hold her female friends hands?

I would not find this sort of thing acceptable at all.

Wibbs

He's takin the píss basically. Stand up to it and frankly if your GF thinks this is an issue she's either a social coward or is getting some fun from the attention, otherwise she would stop as it makes you uncomfortable. The guy knows this too or he wouldn't try it. Basically don't go off on her. Do not get all twitchy just simply point out that this makes you uncomfortable and you wouldn't mind knowing why he thinks he can get away with this inappropriate behaviour.

colly10

I don't think any fella would sit there holding hands with a girl that he's just friends with if he isn't trying it on in any way. If this guy knows your with her then it's obvious that he doesn't think a hell of alot of you because he's not stuipid and would know that this bothers you.
As for your gf, it depends on the type of girl she is really, you say you trust her and I don't think theres any reason to not. Id say she's just a mate of this lad and thats it. But, I would be very surprised that if she doesn't know deep down that this bothers you and is testing you in some way to see if you'll bite (because she isn't doing anything wrong as she's just friends).
He's doing it cause he's a muppet, I don't know why she is but id say theres a reason she's allowing this around you (maybe keeping you on your toes?).

If he puts the arm around her for a few seconds fair enough. If the arm is around her for a few minutes then he moves on to holding her hand then id say most lads would have an issue with that

Edit: Id be fairly carefull about how ye bring this up with her, I wouldn't give the impression that you have any problem with her or that you have an issue with him personally, more just that it makes you feel a little jeleous when you see another guy holding hands with her.
If your a bit heavy handed she may mention to him that you brought it up and he'll use that as an opportunity to make you look like an obsessive bastard (this is probably the opportunity this guy was hoping for when he was at it)

The lad would boil my blood tbh but don't let it show

Placebo

Personally, i think its harmless in her eyes, which is why she does it infront of you and not behind your back. She might think off him as a mere friend but thats not to say he is acting the idiot. I think you just need to kiss your girlfriend infront of him now and then and maybe bring it up as a joke to her in person, as in whats up with him?

thats it really, dont worry too much about it cause if there was something it wouldnt be so blatant infront of you.


P.S: a decent guy or a guy in his right mind would not go around holding his females friends hand in her boy friends presence, its just weird and embarassing for the guy himself. Unless this guy is gay, girls feel close to them

RedXIV

you could bring her out with some of your friends and you could reverse the roles? if she gets uptight about you having your arms around some other girl promise to stop if she does. if she says nothing....well to be honest, i'd be worried

LegacyUser

Cheers for all the advise, it's much appreciated

I think I've established that this guy is a creep-but trying to explain that to her is not going to be easy...

Thing is in the last while i have become pretty jealous-possibly because of incidences like this. Gonna have to extremely tactful in bringing this up-whatever this guy's problem, he is her friedn, and i'm not trying to stop that friendship, but as soon as i mention it to her i'm pretty sure she'll roll her eyes to the sky and tell me "we're just friends", as if that makes it ok.


Gonna be very tricky alright....

Wibbs

You see I would be cynical enough to suspect strongly that she knows what's going on. If not she's a bit dense. I mean c'mon she's been dealing with guys coming on to her since she hit puberty so unless she's dumb as a rock she knows. Common enough with some, she gets the attention and even you having issues with it is attractive to her. Stand your ground and be calm and clear. If she rolls the eyes then she simply doesn't see it as an issue(for her) and doesn't respect your boundaries and by extension you. OK if you were getting antsy because she was just talking to another bloke, I would be telling you to cop on, but hugs and hand holding from a straight guy who disregards you and in front of you? Eh no.

Zulu

What the chances a friend of his is going to be comfortable holding his hand in front of his girlfriend?

Slim I'd imagine.

RedXIV

depends on the friend i suppose. i have plenty of friends who can't say hello without a 2 and a half minute hug. suppose you could call the overly affectionate but personally i like the feeling that people aren't as repelled by me as my parents led me to believe

martian1980

help please! wrote: »

Hey guys,
an arm around her waist in front of me or holding hands, etc...

I'm not being a caveman about this, but there's no way I'd stand for a guy holding hands with my girlfriend. If I see a guy and girl holding hands, I assume they're going out. I don't know any guy and girl who hold hands platonically.

DiscoHugh

maye they re just exchanging long protein strings? if you can think of a better way id like to hear it!!

seriously though. As others have said you have every right to be more than slightly annoyed by this. holding hands etc. are things that couples do. I dont hold hands with any of my female friends. To me that would be weird.

The fact that you dont like this guy doesnt help things. If you trust your gf like you say you do you should trust her enough to have a mature and rational conversation about this.

of course she will see it completely different
*what she thinks* dont be silly we re just friends. that s what friends do
*what he thinks* she totally wants me. Look at her loser boyfriend stewing in the corner
while she s holding MY hand.

You re a guy. you know how guys think.

Zulu

Help me! wrote: »

...but as soon as i mention it to her i'm pretty sure she'll roll her eyes to the sky and tell me "we're just friends", as if that makes it ok.
Gonna be very tricky alright....

Not at all: next time you see them holding hands, just ask him in a loud clear voice *doesn't have to be threatening* "are you going out with her?"
he'll say no and you ask
"then why are you holding hands?"
wait for an answer - it'll be awkard, but you'll make your point. If either pipes up that it's just a sign of friendship ask
"oh, ok, so your mother frequently holds hands with other men? Your dad is cool with that?"

Time to stand your ground buddy. Make him squirm. Don't back down. You need to set boundries.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think this is an issue with the guy, this is an issue with your GF wanting to cuddle into & hold hands with a guy - not in lieu of your company - but instead of you as you stand feet away watching her. I don't think it's unreasonable to be irked by that. It sounds very much to me as if she's messing with your head.

I have enough tact & respect for my partner not to let another man put his arm around me or hold me while he's watching - mind you, I've never really been one of those platonic-yet-tactile-friendship sort of girls.