can't get stupid ex girlfriend out of my head

LegacyUser

K right I broke up with my ex back in september and while I did/do miss her the split was amicable and we went our seperate ways agreeing that we'd stay friends.
we met about two years before that and had fallen head over heels for each other (leaving our then partners for each other) and remained as such for the next year and a half. after that things started to get messy, I had trouble with work and health and became depressed she was struggling too and the apartment we had was way to expensive for either of us and stupid stress and crap started creeping in and we split. we agreed to give it 6 months or so before trying to hang out.
so that was yonks ago and as I said while I did miss her I moved on met a few other girls went out with em a few times but no one really compared to her ( not that I was delibratelky comparing them I put this down to a mix of her being absolutely amazing and my high pickyness I'm not saying I'll never meet anyone like her again but she left some big boots to fill).
I kind of got it into my head that I'd glamorized her and our relationship so I tried to be realistic and remember the bad times, that worked for awhile and I focused on my career and health and pulled myself out of the funk I was in and am now very happy with my life.
except everything kind of went wrong for me last week. I had had some of her stuff that she'd left behind in the apartment and as It was her birthday I decided I'd drop it into her and give her a small present. I figured hell it's been the guts of seven months it should be fine.
So I texted her and asked if I could drop her her stuff into work and she said yeah that'd be cool .
I dropped it in and we had a bit of a chat and when I told her about my life now she was a little shocked considering how bad things where for me when we split. so i said goodbye and headed off.
anyways the next saturday I ran into her in the pub with her new boyfriend and she was plesant enough.
I wound up having a chat with her and asking if we could go back to hanging out because I really missed talking to her cos there was loads of jokes and things that only she'd get and I figured it'd be cool now 'cos she had a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend (I do but it's nothing serious and if I'm honest not gonna last)
She was saying its too soon to go back to hanging out and that she thinks were bad for each other cos of how miserable we were towards the end of the relationship and how great I'm doing now. I told her that while I agreed, it wasn't like that as I didn't want her back as a girlfriend just as a friend I also said that while we did make each other miserable towards the end, there where other factors and told her bout a letter I'd found from her when I was moving out a few months before hand, where she was saying how much she loved me and how much better her life was since we'd met etc, she said she'd found and re-read an old letter of mine too, which took me by surprise as I really didn't think she'd given a seconds thought to me after we'd split
Then she said she couldn't stop thinking about how much I'd changed since we split after I'd dropped her in her stuff the other day.
basically I got the impression off her that she still has feelings for me which took me by surprise.
the discusion flitted between the pros and cons of us hanging out again and then degenerated into a kind of low level awkward flirtyness the kind we'd had when we'd initially met but couldn't admit we liked each other.
I left the conversation by asking "ok so when are we going to see each other" and she said "ok I'll give you a shout next week"

Now my problem is not the conversation or our future etc cos I know her too well and she'd probably prefer if I dropped off the face of the planet and the 'call you next week' was purely too fob me off, I'm not stupid.
my problem is that since the conversation (and if nothing else this has rekindled my entusiasm for NOT hanging around) I can't stop thinking about her, I kind of realized that while I was right about her being a pain in the ass sometimes all the other stuff about her is still there. the same instant desire to be with her that I got the first time I seen her is still there. and I really can't get it out of my head.

so now I can't stop questioning myself that if we got back together would things be different, alot of what caused the problems in the first place where things like work stress, health problems and money and now none of those are a factor. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was with her when things were good and how now that everything else in my life is great the only thing missing is her. I've really worked to get my life together and worked to get over her but I just haven't met or even seen anyone who'd even remotely compare and that goes for the time before we met not just the last 7 months.

I know I'm being stupid but it's really getting to me and I can't help myself, I feel like I'm right back at the begining of the break up again, I can't stop thinking about her and running impossible scenarios in my head. It's so frustrating because I really did get the vibe off her the other day that she still has feelings for me too (although I could have imagined this). but I know her and I know she'd rather give it a go with someone else then get back with me and I wish her all the happiness in the world with that but it still doesn't help me.

I know it's pretty much an impossible situation but if anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it, cheers!

Oryx

Right, I speed read that, so apologies if I missed anything. But the gist I got from your post is that youre not over this girl, and never were. At least accept that, it might stop you questioning yourself as much. You say you tried to look just at the bad bits to get over her, which is fine, except now that youve had to face her again, all your buried feelings have surfaced, and you are beginning to second guess your decision to break up.

Yes, you may feel shes the only thing missing in your life, and she was perfect for you, but you did split for 'a' reason. Something clearly was wrong between you. Something that probably hasnt gone away. Now, you two could get together again and be blissfully happy, but I reckon youre looking to this girl to fill a gap of some sort in your life, which is never a good idea.

If I were you, I would avoid any attempt to rekindle things with this girl right now. Id say it would only confuse you even more. And she has a boyfriend anyway. Relax and take a few weeks to think on it. Use that time to do other stuff. Tell yourself not to worry, if its meant to be, it will happen. That might give your head space to decide why it is exactly you want to get back with her, and whether its really the right thing. Cos now it sounds like youre more wrapped up in the romance and golden memories, than thinking on the reality of what it would be like.

Aurora Borealis

Been there petal and it is hard but it's up to you to make it easier on yourself. To be blunt if she doesn't want to be friends that's her prerogative and you have to accept it. I battled with feelings like that for months and it's only in the last month or two that I've made a conscious decision to shake myself out of it. Ours wasn't amicable and that's half of what kept me obsessing about it because it really hurt to lose him as a friend but if it was meant to be it would be and the longer you hold on to it the longer and harder it'll be to move on. You were doing fine before your recent chat with her and met people etc so you know you can. I would say though if you're not 100% about your current relationship then maybe you shouldn't be in it. The old adage is true there are plenty more fish in the sea and what's for you doesn't pass you.

Chin up.

AB.:)

Pen1987

dont be surprised if you do hear from her next week... sounds fairly mutual to me and you misread her last time with regards to her giving you a second thought and reading your letter.

Aurora Borealis

It does sound like she may still have feelings but that doesn't mean she wants to go there either. Not being pessimistic but don't think it'd serve OP well to be thinking she will if she then doesn't as it will set him back hugely.

denhaagenite

i met a guy when I'd just finished school on a weekend away with my then boyfriend and some mutual friends, we started seeing eachother and about a week into it I finished with the first boyf to start going out with him. About two years later we broke up due to study commitments. Even though I saw other people in the year and a half we were apart I was still heartbroken and the fact that we were still going to the cinema as friends every so often only served to keep my hopes up.

During this time I met another guy who I really liked and ended up moving county with him. Before I left I told guy A that I was seeing someone and a couple of days after I left I started getting middle of the night phonecalls about how much he loved me and wanted me back.

I stupidly told guy B that I wasnt into the relationship anymore and after a month we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. After 3 months I'd moved home to pick up the ex from where we'd left off.

Things were not the same ( I have a sneaking suspicion that both times we were involved his only fascination in the beginning was that I was with someone else), fast forward six months and I dumped the f****r. Best thing I ever did and haven't looked back since. I've been with the man of my dreams for quite a bit now

Bottom line is, getting back with an ex is seldom a good idea. Usually the incentive is the fact that they know alot about you, know you, you get on well, have the same interests etc etc, but as someone already pointed out- SHE IS YOUR EX FOR A REASON.

Give yourself time, learn to be happy with yourself- only then can you learn to be happy with someone else.

Overheal

You came out of the relationship fairly well and you are doing much better for yourself. No surprise really. Breaking up brings out the worst in people and afterward they improve on it.

But again, you have to remember she is your ex for a reason. By going back to her youre flying in the face that everything that has become of you in the last 7 months.

Everything has an expiry date. You've had your time together and you both seem to have moved on. I think you understand this already, even if you aren't ready to admit it. Do you honestly believe there is enough reason to go back in time 7 months or more? I think it sounds like its time to brave boldy forward again.

dresden8

Don't do the friends thing. Rarely works. You'll still want to shag her when you're drunk at the very least.

LegacyUser

yeah you guys are right,I mean yeah an awful lot of the reasons we split have self solved since we split but I guiess it probably wouldn't be the same.
I think if I'm honest I'm not as over her as I thought I was (and i get the feeling neither is she which is no doubt contributing to her not wanting to be friends also) and the main thing that was getting to me was the fact that if she loved me so much how could she just discard me without a thought but I guess I prooved to myself with that chat that thats not so.
I'm actually very good friends with almost every girl I've ever gone out with including a girl I was engaged to for a few years who is now going out with my best friend so it's not an alien concept to me and I guess I'd just hate to loose her when I managed it with all the others. she really does mean the world to me and it sucks not having her around.

Wibbs

The idea that she's an ex for a reason has some merit. That said if those reasons have been sorted and she feels the same way and it was a good relationship for both of you, then there may be some reason to revisit. The problems are that for a start she has to be feeling the same way and she has a boyfriend and you're seeing someone too. That would have to cleared up first even if the feelings are there. That's quite a bit to clear up as you're bringing two other people into the equation. My opinion? if two people are meant to be together they will be and very little will stop it. If she wants to try again you'll know and she'll make an effort too. If not she doesn't want it enough. Keep going as you are moving forward. Keep looking and if you're not that pushed on your current squeeze then get shot of her for her sake as she may be feeling it more than you. What's for you won't go by you.

Wagon

dresden8 wrote: »

Don't do the friends thing. Rarely works. You'll still want to shag her when you're drunk at the very least.

+1 Completely agree with that. With your current train of thoughts, maybe the hanging out thing isn't the best idea...

OP I think you're looking at the situation logically. The problems that have torn you and your ex apart are now sorted, and you feel that now that these are gone then you will both be much happier. Sadly untrue. If you were both truly wanted to stay together, then you would have despite the crap. Playing the "What if...?" card can drive you mental, and it seems this is what your doing now. Everyone has said this and I'm no exception: What ever reason(s?) you broke up for still stand.

RedXIV

Hey OP, i hope your starting to see the pattern here. I was in the same situation as you, i spent YEARS after a girl and we went back and forth into relationships because every time we broke up, all i could think about was her. Now my case was a bit worse, i used to have to sit beside her in class (damn alphbetical seating :mad:) so i couldn't get away from her till college. but even in college it came back to bite me in the ass. After 2 years in different colleges, and several gf's later, i had to move to dublin for a summer and moved in with her because she needed a roommate. BIG mistake. feelings flared and using all the tricks i'd picked up in college i began a seduction. Was successful in that but come the end of the summer I had finally, FINALLY got her out of my system.
So for future reference, it takes about 4 years to get over a stupendous ex, and thats only so you're not constantly thinking about her. and thats 4 years with a 2 year absence in the middle

smiles

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