What is wrong with my boyfriend?

jessie1983

Hi all,
I basically need to rant and look for some advice. Myself and my boyfriend are together 3 years. It has been great but recently it has been tough. A few weeks ago he moved a guy I don’t like in with him, this guy is in involved in drugs and with bad people so I didn’t want him to have anything to do with him. He lived with this guy before and he left owing hundreds of euro. We had a row over this and we ended up falling out for a couple of weeks. In this time my boyfriend said lots of horrible things. I was only trying to look out for him because this guy messed him around before and its only a matter of time before he does it again. We made up, he said hes under a lot of pressure and doesn’t like his job etc. We had a chat and agreed that we need to spend more time together and try harder. It was good up until this weekend.

We were together 3 years during the week and we agreed that we would do something together to celebrate it over the weekend. Friday night he went to see his friend and didn’t come back until late. Saturday night he went to party with some friends, he called to see me before he left and told me to text him. So i text him while he was at the party and we sent a few texts back and forward. At 1 am I get a text from him stating that the people at the party thought that I was a freak for texting him and that I was not going to control his life for him. I only text him because I thought he wanted me to, if i thought he didn’t want to text me I wouldn’t have. I was shocked by this because I was only asking how was the party etc.

He was supposed to come to my parents house on Sunday for dinner and he text me saying you can tell your mother that I wont be going and its your fault. I was shocked, I only text him like he asked me to, there were no bad texts sent between us until I got that one at 1am. He then text me yesterday to say that it was over between us, i text him asking could we meet in person because I think these things should be talked about in person not in text. He said he wouldn’t meet me and that I wasn’t going to control his life anymore. I help him a lot, i helped him find a job, a house, get his car, he gives me some of his wages every week to pay his bills, its easier for me to pay them because hes working every day. If he needs an insurance company rang up, a letter written his dinner, I do these things because I love him and I’m trying to help him not control him. When we fell out a few weeks ago i told him to look after his own affairs, yet this week he asked me to sort out some bank stuff for him. I said nothing wrong to him so I don’t understand what is going on. He says he loves me more than anything yet I cant feel it.

In recent times he never goes anywhere with me, he goes off with friends but never goes anywhere with me anymore. We used to go on days away but not anymore. It seems that if we have something planned we’ll have a fight and then he wont bring me. Its almost like its planned, I would do anything for him and adore him, hes not from this country originally so I have been trying to help him. I have not controlled him, I like to see him going off with friends but I don’t like the fact that he never comes anywhere with me recently.

I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. I texted him last night and he didn’t reply I haven’t texted him today. I just don’t know whats going on. I’ve done nothing but try help him and I don’t understand why he is acting like this. This is so out of character for him because he is usually so loving and caring and we always went places together but now I feel so left out and confused. I love him so much but this is wrecking my head because he wont tell me whats going on. Surely i am entitled to know whats this about? I really love him and I am heart broken. Surely after 3 years I am entitled to a decent answer and not be ignored. I just needed to rant. I am so hurt because I believe he is my soul mate and he said the same, how can it change so quickly. The funny thing is if i didn’t text him he’d have text me saying that I don’t care about him or I don’t miss him but when I did text him i was accused of controlling him. Do I just sit back and wait or what do I do? I cant do anything because I am so confused and don’t understand why this is happening.

Thanks for reading.

useful_contacts

Honestly it sounds like hes making excuses, my friend has a BF like that and every few months he freaks out and dumps her for a few months, and they are together 5 years. This guy sounds just like him.

Also you two were ok until his "friend" moved in, do you not think his friends telling people your a control freak and everyone started saying it to him at the party and he took his mood out on you.

Either way i think your better off, just for the fact hes letting his friends ruin his relationship and hes too blind to see that!

Chinafoot

jessie1983 wrote: »

Hi all,
I basically need to rant and look for some advice. Myself and my boyfriend are together 3 years. It has been great but recently it has been tough. A few weeks ago he moved a guy I don’t like in with him, this guy is in involved in drugs and with bad people so I didn’t want him to have anything to do with him. He lived with this guy before and he left owing hundreds of euro.

I agree that this isn't the smartest move on your boyfriend's part but to be honest, you really have no right to dictate who he can and can't live with. Yes you're looking out for him but you're not his mother. I'm going to assume he's an adult, and therefore he should be making his own decisions, good or bad.

jessie1983 wrote: »

We had a row over this and we ended up falling out for a couple of weeks. In this time my boyfriend said lots of horrible things. I was only trying to look out for him because this guy messed him around before and its only a matter of time before he does it again. We made up, he said hes under a lot of pressure and doesn’t like his job etc. We had a chat and agreed that we need to spend more time together and try harder. It was good up until this weekend.

Falling out for weeks? He said horrible things? Lady, are you going out with a man or a child? That is completely ridiculous behaviour. Now, don't get me wrong, you were out of line in telling him who he can and can't live with, but he should also be able to discuss problems in the relationship and not resort to childish behaviour like this.

jessie1983 wrote: »

We were together 3 years during the week and we agreed that we would do something together to celebrate it over the weekend. Friday night he went to see his friend and didn’t come back until late. Saturday night he went to party with some friends, he called to see me before he left and told me to text him. So i text him while he was at the party and we sent a few texts back and forward. At 1 am I get a text from him stating that the people at the party thought that I was a freak for texting him and that I was not going to control his life for him. I only text him because I thought he wanted me to, if i thought he didn’t want to text me I wouldn’t have. I was shocked by this because I was only asking how was the party etc.

Easily led by his friends then. Sounds to me like this guy doesn't know what he wants. He tells you to text him but then more than likely got a slagging from his mates at the party. Chances are he had a few beers on him and got to thinking "yeah, they're right, she does try to control me." Then he texts you at 1am. Yes, it's a shítty and childish thing to do and this, coupled with his previous behaviour, should be setting off big, huge, loud alarm bells for you.

jessie1983 wrote: »

He was supposed to come to my parents house on Sunday for dinner and he text me saying you can tell your mother that I wont be going and its your fault. I was shocked, I only text him like he asked me to, there were no bad texts sent between us until I got that one at 1am.

Again, he's being a complete child.

jessie1983 wrote: »

He then text me yesterday to say that it was over between us, i text him asking could we meet in person because I think these things should be talked about in person not in text. He said he wouldn’t meet me and that I wasn’t going to control his life anymore.

Child, child, child. After three years together he dumps you by text message and refuses to even see you. And this is someone you want to be with?

jessie1983 wrote: »

I help him a lot, i helped him find a job, a house, get his car, he gives me some of his wages every week to pay his bills, its easier for me to pay them because hes working every day. If he needs an insurance company rang up, a letter written his dinner, I do these things because I love him and I’m trying to help him not control him.

Now you might see this as helping but many people, myself included, see this as mammying. You are not his mother. He should be writing his own letters, making his own dinner, finding his own insurance info and definitely finding his own job and house. Yes you love him and want to help him but he needs to be an adult. Of course his mates think you're controlling, you do everything for him and then you had a massive argument over one of his friends living with him. You can bet if he said horrible things to you he said even worse to his friends. Tim to stop babying him.

jessie1983 wrote: »

When we fell out a few weeks ago i told him to look after his own affairs, yet this week he asked me to sort out some bank stuff for him.

When I lived at home and had a row with my mam I'd get "You can do your own washing from now on!" You effectively did the same thing. I know I keep saying it but you are acting like his mother and he's such a child that he wants you to do it when it suits him.

jessie1983 wrote: »

I said nothing wrong to him so I don’t understand what is going on. He says he loves me more than anything yet I cant feel it.

Then why do you want to be with him?

jessie1983 wrote: »

In recent times he never goes anywhere with me, he goes off with friends but never goes anywhere with me anymore. We used to go on days away but not anymore. It seems that if we have something planned we’ll have a fight and then he wont bring me. Its almost like its planned, I would do anything for him and adore him, hes not from this country originally so I have been trying to help him. I have not controlled him, I like to see him going off with friends but I don’t like the fact that he never comes anywhere with me recently.

It sounds like he want you when it's convenient for him. He doesn't want his mates to think you're controlling him yet he wants you to run his life for him because its easy. That's not a relationship.

jessie1983 wrote: »

I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. I texted him last night and he didn’t reply I haven’t texted him today. I just don’t know whats going on. I’ve done nothing but try help him and I don’t understand why he is acting like this. This is so out of character for him because he is usually so loving and caring and we always went places together but now I feel so left out and confused. I love him so much but this is wrecking my head because he wont tell me whats going on. Surely i am entitled to know whats this about? I really love him and I am heart broken. Surely after 3 years I am entitled to a decent answer and not be ignored. I just needed to rant. I am so hurt because I believe he is my soul mate and he said the same, how can it change so quickly. The funny thing is if i didn’t text him he’d have text me saying that I don’t care about him or I don’t miss him but when I did text him i was accused of controlling him. Do I just sit back and wait or what do I do? I cant do anything because I am so confused and don’t understand why this is happening.

Thanks for reading.

You're both wrong here. You need to stop being his mother and he needs to decide what he wants. Either he wants you to run his private affairs or he doesn't. Personally I would never take such control of my boyfriends life, he already has a mother to try and do that for him

You're right, you are entitled to a decent answer but you're also entitled to an adult relationship. You won't get that from him. He's easily led by his friends and is happy for you to mother him when it's beneficial to him and then he'll happily bawl you out of it when he gets a slagging form him mates over it. Again I have to ask why you'd want to go through any more of this?

My advice would be to walk away. He's not your soul mate. After 3 years your relationship has descended into you trying to mother him and him being a hypocritical little shít about it.

Learn from this and when you meet someone new (which you will) don't try to run their lives for them.

board om

i agree with everything in the above post.

it sounds like you are better off without him because he is a user. he uses you when it is convenient but when something better comes along he will ditch you. and after 3 years it isnt going to change, if anything it has just proven that you have taken it for this long so he knows he can get away with it.

you sound like a great girl that really wears her heart on her sleeve. and it sounds like you would do anything to help someone that you care about. so why dont you save all those great qualities you have until the right person comes along and stop wasting them on this guy, when you know he isnt the right person for you. wait until you meet someone who can offer the same things back to you. at the moment it is you doing all the giving and he just takes. the right guy will be happpy to accept these qualities and offer just as good qualities back in return.

when this guy gets back in touch with you, and he most likely will, just ignore him and leave well enough alone. time to take a break and work on your own happiness.

jessie1983

Hi,

I got to speak with him last night. He told me that hes not in love with me anymore. I am devestated. I dont know what to do or think. I cant stop crying, tears are flowing down my face as I write this. I love him more than anything in this world. I dont know how I am supposed to deal with this. I feel like jumping off a bridge or something. I cant handle this pain. I never thought he would ever say that to me.

I dont know what to do.

Poppers1888

Jessie, I feel so sorry for you, i had the same thing happen about 3 years ago after 4.5 years together but as you said above - he doesnt even do anything you want to tdo anymore so deep down he is not making you totally happy. Youll obviously feel lonely and stuff for a while but im sure there are better more appreciative men out there for us....it took a while to find mine but youll find yours too.
Can you get dvds with friends and a chinese or something nice like that tonight??
He may come crawling back and hopefully by then you will be able to tell him where to go.....

Femelade

i know its hard but in the long run you will probbaly realise how lucky you are, you might even find someone who treats you good, down the line. Your boyfriend sounded like a complete ass and extrememly immature...you are better off without someone like him in your life..

Beruthiel

jessie1983 wrote: »

He then text me yesterday to say that it was over between us

This speaks absolute volumns to me.
Seriously, anyone who would text their partner of 3 years, in order to finish a long term relationship without any discussion what so ever, is an out and out childish waste of space and I wouldn't give them the time of day if I had ever been treated in such a fashion by someone.

I help him a lot, i helped him find a job, a house, get his car, he gives me some of his wages every week to pay his bills, its easier for me to pay them because hes working every day. If he needs an insurance company rang up, a letter written his dinner

What age is this guy?
You're not his mother, why were you acting like you were?
He's a grown man (allegedly), let him run his own life, that's not your job and does come across as a tad controling.

From all that you have said about him, I believe, even though you care for him, he is not good for you and basically treated you like crap.
Though you don't feel it now, you are miles better off without him. You've had a lucky escape.

Mr. Incognito

I'm sorry but the one thing that jumped out to me from that erratic bahaviour is a cocaine habit. I've had experience of mates going down similar roads.

NextSteps

What a git. You're better off without him.

LegacyUser

SetantaL wrote: »

I'm sorry but the one thing that jumped out to me from that erratic bahaviour is a cocaine habit. I've had experience of mates going down similar roads.

That's what it screams to me too...

funloving

I am sure you-re devasteted and heartbroken at the moment...
You really sound as a nice,caring and generous girl and as other posters wrote before you will certainly find somebody who is as kind as you are...
Dont waste your time over some guy who clearly didnt deserve you .
You are better off without him

Zulu

He's a coward and he's treating you like sh1t.
You won't appricate this for a while, but it appears the only good he's done you is breaking up with you.

Do not take him back.
You will do better.
You will find someone who will love and respect you.
Walk away with your head held high, and never look back.

AngryBadger

Your bf sounds like a plank. You're better off in my view, although I do find it odd that he would SUDDENLY and without warning turn like this.

But ultimately someone that fickle is not worth being around

How Strange

Beruthiel wrote: »

This speaks absolute volumns to me.
Seriously, anyone who would text their partner of 3 years, in order to finish a long term relationship without any discussion what so ever, is an out and out childish waste of space and I wouldn't give them the time of day if I had ever been treated in such a fashion by someone.

From all that you have said about him, I believe, even though you care for him, he is not good for you and basically treated you like crap.
Though you don't feel it now, you are miles better off without him. You've had a lucky escape.

+1

OP, maybe you can't see the it right now but this guy sounds like a total prat that you are better off without. Dumping by text is always cowardly but after 3 years :eek:

I'd say cut him out of your life completely and focus on yourself and your broken heart. You've been given a good clear indication of what this guy is made of so count yourself lucky that you have split. Be good to yourself, get some friends around you and start getting over him.

Mazeire

He took you for granted and then took a dump on you from a height. It will take time, but you will look back on being one of the best things that has happened to you. Whatever you do, do not take him back. He sounds like he has a world of baggage that he needs to sort out from himself and he could end up dragging you down with him. Reading over your first post, it sounds that somewhere along the line this became more like a kind of parent child relationship rather that boyfriend girlfriend. Thats not being critical of you OP because you were acting with the best of intentions but it just sounds like things got messed up.
The next while will be really hard but it will get gradually easier honest. So chin up sweetie.

cowzerp

Stay away from him, he's a user and a wimp, he's probably just trying to get you to chase him like mad so he can knock your confidence! its easier to use someone when there low in confidence and will take bad abuse without fighting back! move on and get someone you deserve, when you do he'll come running back! tell him where to go.

tbh

on a practical level, this is as bad as it gets. Tomorrow will be easier than today, and today is nearly over. I wish you strength, but you will get through this.

djk1000

Broke up with you by text after a 3 year relationship??? What a flippin tool! Do you really want to be with someone that values the relationship that much?

jessie1983

Hi Guys,

Thank you all so much for your messages. i'm 24, hes 32. He was texting me this morning saying how sorry he was but it was for the best. he said yesterday that he wants to be friends but i told him where to go.

I appreciate all your messages. I guess it will get easier but it certainly doesnt feel like that now. Well at least the tears have stopped i'm just so upset that after 3 years he has so little respect for me that he dumps me by text.

I think in a way he wants to go back to his home country because his sister and aunt have both been seriously ill.

God i wish these things didnt hurt so much.

In response to those who said I mothered him, to be honest it started off as him asking would you be able to pay my esb or would you put money in the bank for me. When he asked i didnt mind doing it. I guess he should have been doing it for himself but at the same time he did things for me, he thought me how to drive, he used to drive me to where ever I wanted to go before I could drive, he serviced and always washed my car for me. He painted my house for my parents. He was always great to me up until the last couple of months, thats what makes it so hard. we did have a great relationship and I keep thinking back to that.

Mazeire

Jessie, how much money does he owe you? He is a grown man who can't pay his bills or budget his money. Pathetic. In truth the stuff he did sounds like a payment of sort. He's a leech on two legs.

jessie1983

€1400 and his car loan is in my name (he pays that to me every month)

Tragedy

How much is the car loan?
Either take posession of the car or get the loan transferred to him.

The Sweeper

Jessie1983

As the other's said, you need to sort out that car loan RIGHT NOW. Who's name is the car itself in, yours or his?

When a long-term relationship ends because one individual is a behaving like a complete prat, money owed becomes a dangerous handle. "Can we meet up to talk about the money I owe you?" "You better meet me or you won't see that money again". "I'm texting you all week this week to discuss money... and a million other things".

If the car is in his name, not yours, I'd recommend - believe it or not - that you see a solicitor. That may sound like a very dramatic thing to do, but your ex-boyfriend owes you €1400, which frankly I'd write off and move on without, and YOU HAVE A DEBT IN YOUR NAME FOR SOMETHING YOU DON'T OWN. That is a huge mess in the making.

How long is the car loan for, and how much is it for? Because you think you're feeling bad now - in 10 months time if you're paying that car loan on your own and he's nicked off with the car, it's going to burn like bloody acid every time that comes out of YOUR account. You need to get it sorted sooner rather than later.