Have you gone back to ex girl/boyf?

confused999

I broke up with my other half before Christmas. We were together 10 years and we had got engaged last year. He was my best friend and I loved being with him.

Last year he confessed that he had been lying to me about something important (not another woman) and he was deeply apologetic and I told myself that it didnt matter, but looking back I didnt trust him anymore and got very control freakish to the point where I didnt think that he could do anything right and we argued a lot. Eventually I broke up with him. I thought that I had fallen out of love with him. I dont know if I had, I was and am so confused about that.

Now months later Ive changed my life and, Im not this awful angry person that I was with him. I dont "need" a relationship (which would be a very bad idea at the moment, and also even going on a date with another bloke would make me feel like Im cheating on my ex).

We are not in contact as I think that we both needed space, but I miss him a lot. Fair enough after going out with someone that long Im bound to miss them and, miss being in a relationship , but more than that I really want to spend time with him again. Im out in a pub or in the shops or the cinema and all i want is to see him. I keep thinking that I see him and am so disappointed when I realise that its not him. Now I realise that he may not want to get back with me and that I need to sort my own head out and wait another few months before I go near him. Im afraid that after all the hurt Ive caused both of us, if we get back together I'll still have doubts.

So I suppose what I am asking is it possible to fall in love with someone all over again? For those of you that have gone back to ex's, if you work at it is it possible to regain what you once had?

oldboy

It'll never be the same again.

It cant. It is impossible.

But you have to work with what it could be.

You also have to be able to let go what it was, prepare for hard work and weirdness and baggage to try make it work again. The odds are stacked against you, but some people are at their best when that's the case.

Follow your heart, and you're right to wait a month or two to try level out the head, but be prepared he might not feel the same

uprooted shane

hey, first off, i just want to say fair F**ks for admiting it, i know my ex had a real hard time admitting she wanted me back.

it was no were near the same as your situation,she just moved on,. but i really did love her, i didn move on for months and months, and was in a real hole about it, but then we ended up gettin back together. i loved it. was brill to reaise she wanted to.

when we were apart she fell totally out of love with me. but then when we got back togethre she fell in love with me again.

i really think if you talk to him about how your feeling, and how you felt at the time, with out making him feel like your giving out, all you can do is hope he'l hear you out.

i wish you luck!

TerrorFirmer

Yes, it is entirely possible, and unfortunately, sometimes you only realize what you've given up when it's entirely beyond salvation. I'm not saying to rush back to him, but after all this time, you know yourself that the want you feel is based on something very deep rooted and not just a premature longing to return to a status quo. Even from your post it's obvious that you're afraid of loosing this for good, my advice would be to pursue it decisively before you loose your window.

We can only tell you yes or no, but you already know the answer yourself if you put your mind to it. You will regret it forever if you remain indecisive and discover it is too late when you reach out to him.

af_thefragile

At times i feel i'ld love to go back to my ex. I even sorta had the chance one before and i knew she still felt for me the same way i did for her.

But then thats one thing i don't see happening ever. The consequences, what happened after the break up and my ego will always come in the way and will keep me from getting back to my ex.

Thats was a phase of my life that over and thats it. You just can't press rewind in life, edit out all the crap parts and play it again with only all the good bits. I know i'll never go back to any of my exs again and thats the best thing for both of us.

_Kaiser_

To answer the original question, yes I have.. or more accurately, yes I am.

We split over a year ago (long story but the short version is I got sick of making all the effort, and she'd cheated on me as well) but she contacted me the other night asking if I'd meet her to talk.
As it happens we had a long conversation that night on the phone (and in person last night) and - in her own words - she's realised what she did was wrong and that I didn't deserve it, and to be honest.. I believe her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going into this blind and I've had a few dates etc since we split, but I have to admit, I miss the closeness we did have (we both have).

Now I know all the cynics (not to mention my friends) will say I'm mad, and maybe I am (this will be the 2nd time we've "tried again") but something about her is different. Txting me out of the blue is nothing new, but accepting what happened and her role in it (and I freely admit I played my part too) IS (new).

But we've both agreed that we want to try again, but are going to take it very slow, but give it a genuine (mutal) effort.. which is ultimately all I wanted anyway, and realistically all you can EVER do - be honest with each other, make an effort, and just see what happens.

So anyway, in my case the jury is still out but we're trying...

confused999

Thanks for all the replies guys.

af_thefragile wrote: »

You just can't press rewind in life, edit out all the crap parts and play it again with only all the good bits. I know i'll never go back to any of my exs again and thats the best thing for both of us.

af_thefragile I dont want to edit out the bad bits. Im not naive enough to think that if we got back together it would be amazing with no problems but I do think that the good could far outweigh the bad.

oldboy wrote: »

It'll never be the same again.

It cant. It is impossible.

But you have to work with what it could be.

You also have to be able to let go what it was, prepare for hard work and weirdness and baggage to try make it work again. The odds are stacked against you, but some people are at their best when that's the case.

Follow your heart, and you're right to wait a month or two to try level out the head, but be prepared he might not feel the same

Oldboy you are right it would be hard work and Im sure his family and friends would be less than impressed for me to come into his life again but it could be worth it to try. I still feel tremendous guilt about the breakup and I think thats half the reason I dont want to contact him. What if I have doubts and hurt him again? I broke my own heart when I hurt him so much.

Im going to leave contacting him for a few more months. I need to be sure that this is right for me too. I also have to prepare myself for the fact that he may have moved on by then, he may be in a new relationship or he may want nothing more to do with me.

Kaiser2000 good luck with things, I hope it goes well for you.

_Kaiser_

confused999 wrote: »

Kaiser2000 good luck with things, I hope it goes well for you.

Thank you. To be honest, reading your post and reply strikes a chord. I definitely think that you're on the right track by giving it more time, but you need to accept that he may want nothing to do with you, or have moved on himself when/if you do contact him - I say if because you may meet someone new in the meantime as well, but be sure that you're ready before you get involved (I've been at the receiving end of that too and it's no fun either!)

My friends (even my mother who I normally wouldn't listen to at all on these things! ) are very doubtful because of what happened between us, but at the end of the day, all that matters is what the 2 people involved want. It might be a cliché but the key is the ability to be completely open with each other.

As we agreed last night though, we have missed each other (despite everything) and we'd rather try (properly) and fail (for whatever reason) than not try at all. So we'll see...

Kell

confused999 wrote: »

but I miss him a lot.

B*llix to the rest of your post. *Voice of reason says if you still love him then go with your heart.

My ex threw my heart on the floor and stamped unapologetically all over it, after specifically being asked not to. Logic kicked in enough to make me realise she had her reasons to do so and, after many killing sessions, I am in the most pukily happy place I could ask for.

It depends on how much you can roll with what life/the person can throw you. If its not malicious intent that makes them upset you and you really want to be with them, then go for it, but make sure its what you want.

K-

*Getting really quite twisted and introverted right now

[Jackass]

Of course it can work!!! No 2 people stay together for 10 years if it doesn't work!!

It does work...the only question you need to ask yourself is why did it fail in the end, what was the problem? If you can use this time to step back and look at the final months of the relationship and figure out why did we fight so much, what did I do to destroy the relationship and what did he do and if we get back together can I honestly say that these problems are behund me now and we can move on together...

If you feel like you are in a place now where you can be back in the good old days with him then you need to tell him and you need to explain to him why...explain what's different now, what you've realised and ask him about what went wrong for him and does he feel he can forgive you (for breaking up with him) and move on from any other issues he had.

If he can then there's no reason why the relationship can't reform and be better than ever!! Life isn't all black and white. 10 years is a long time to be with somebody and sometimes it can get very confined and intense, sometimes time apart and space is exactly what is needed by both people to breath, enjoy some space and eventually remember how much they love somebody and want to be with them.

Trust me, if you can both talk openly and maturely and be 100% honest with eachother there's no reason why this can't be a whole new fresh start minus all the baggage that built up over the years and the best thing that ever happend to this relationship!!

_Kaiser_

[Jackass] wrote: »

Trust me, if you can both talk openly and maturely and be 100% honest with eachother there's no reason why this can't be a whole new fresh start minus all the baggage that built up over the years and the best thing that ever happend to this relationship!!

Actually I forgot to mention that. Part of the "process" of course is that you discuss what happened in the past, not to lay blame but to understand why it happened and what you both wanted, BUT if you then agree to try again then you have to draw a line under the past. You can't keep thinking about it, or going back to it. It's either a fresh start or it's not.

Wibbs

I haven't myself. At least I've gone back with exes, but it didn't work out longterm. In those cases they were women who left me and if I'm honest with myself I think I went back out of false hope or in some cases a revenge kinda thing. Stupid isnt in it.

I have seen a few couples who had a real connection get back and they were better than the first time and better than most couples as they went in with both eyes open second time around. They all split for longer than a year, in one case 8. They went out with other people, in the 8 yr case she even got engaged. In all cases they moved on from the first relationship and grew as people. They kept some contact too.

The biggest thing was that the reasons for the split had changed or gone. Very important. Otherwise same old same old.