smoking and relationships

brokensoul

Hi, it is yet another thread from me looking or advice!

Im a smoker, 20 a day or so. My partner absolutely hates smoking.

At the moment, i dont smoke around him, either in my house or in his. However, the smoking is still causing problems as he says he hates being about to smell smoke from me or taste smoke when he kisses me etc.

I think that this could be a make or break thing in our relationship.

I know the answer is to give up smoking. However, im in early recovery and im not sure how well i would cope with trying to give up something else ( cigs and diet coke are kinda my crutches) also, im job hunting at the mo, which in itself is stressful .

My second problem is that im scared that if i try to give up and fail he will completely over react. I did before and when he found out i had gone back on them he said it was like a stab to the heart.

I dont know what to do. I also dont know how best to even try to give up.

Boston

Excuses. "Its to hard" "What if I fail" "I need it" and "I'm really stressed". You know what you have to do so do it.

cowzerp

Whats more important to you? the smokes that are slowly killing you or the fella who you love? i hate smokes and would not kiss a smoker-:p
your lucky he tolerates you.

Wibbs

I would say first off that there will never be enough of a stress free time to give up. There will always be an excuse so pick a day and stop on that day. Read the book, get the patches do whatever it takes and don't give up if you fall, start again. Most importantly do it for you. Not for him. You will be doomed to failure if you do it for him. As for him over reacting and feeling "a stab to the heart". A tad overwrought for a grown man don't you think? Not a good sign. Disapointment I can see and feeling bad it didn't work out for you, but emotional blackmail won't help you give up, at least not permanently.

AARRRGH

Give up the smokes.

You've admitted it here, you need drugs (nicotine) to get you through stressful times. This is unhealthy. Yes, I know most people rely on drugs, but you don't have to be like everyone else.

A lot of people use your "stress" excuse for their alcohol habit.

Me, I'm under a lot of stress at the moment (no free time due to bitchy college assignments, and I have a full-time hectic job) but I take pride from the fact that I handle the stress by tackling the problems in front of me, rather than taking a drug to calm my nerves.

is_that_so

Giving up smoking , in my experience, has to be done when you are in a "good place". In other words that it is not a dependency and just more of a habit. Any attempts to give up during times of high anxiety and stress are more likely to send you straight back on them. It took me four attempts and it might be a point to highlight that to your partner. In the end I gave up for myself and not anyone else. At the very least OP you could try to cut down very slowly. I'd say the Giving up Smoking Forum may also help you. With the other personal issues you are working through as well it may not be the right time for you to stop but at least you can inform yourself as to how to go about it.

Colonel_McCoy

I could never be with someone who smokes, its just a disgusting habit!

RustyRocks

Hi Brokensoul, I tried to give up the ciggies loads of times, with everyone around me suffering my moods, and ended up going back on them.
I read Alan Carrs book on giving up(can't remember the correct title)last May, and gave up there and then with absolutely NO cravings or moods, whatsoever.
My wife smoked for another month, read the book and also gave up REALLY easily.
Even when she smoked after i gave up, it didn't bother me at all.
There is no right time to give up, just get yourself a copy and start reading. The author also TELLS YOU TO KEEP SMOKING WHILE READING THE BOOK.
It's worked for loads of people that i know, and is really easy to read with short paragraphs, which seem to make you want to read it quicker.
Hope this helps.
Best of luck,
Rusty.

Chinafoot

I've been off the smokes for 3 months now. It's definitely not easy but it has to be done. I did it cold turkey but I also stopped drinking as the two went hand in hand for me. I'm now at the stage where the smell makes me feel ill. Which is good.

OP, like Wibbs said you need to do this for you. He is most definitely over reacting. My other half absolutely hated me smoking but also knew that constantly getting on to me about it wasn't going to help the situation and that I would only be able to do it when I was ready.

Time to stop making excuses but you should also tell him to back off about this.

Out of curiosity were you smoking when you forst got together?

Wibbs

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

I could never be with someone who smokes, its just a disgusting habit!

Lovely for you. That's opinion not advice and hardly helpful.

maria

though i agree that yes you should give up smoking, i would only agree because i think everyone should, and yes we all know the risks/consequences associated with it.
however, i don't think you should give up smoking just for your boyfriend. he knew you smoked when he started going out with you, its part of the package. i think its unreasonable and unfair to give out about smoking to you.

axer

brokensoul wrote: »

My second problem is that im scared that if i try to give up and fail he will completely over react. I did before and when he found out i had gone back on them he said it was like a stab to the heart.

Firstly, you need to have him involved in the process. I'm sure he would like this as he *can* give you support through it. I'm sure he will put up with the crankyness etc better if he is involved. That way you do not need to keep secrets from him of "failing"too. If you feel like smoking talk to him instead - kinda like the way they do it with AA. That will show him you are serious about quiting.

If you need to do it slowly by cutting back bit by bit then let him know all this. I'm sure he will appreciate every effort you make.

brokensoul wrote: »

I dont know what to do. I also dont know how best to even try to give up.

Contact the National Smokers Quitline. The Quitline can be contacted at CallSave 1850 201 203. Monday to Sunday 8am to 10pm. Your taxes are paying for it so make use of it.

Maria has a point that you were smoking when he met you and tbh because I cannot stand smokers then I wouldn't go out with one in the first place - I wouldn't just count on trying to change them at a later date as technically it is none of his business to try and change you when he had already choosen to go out with you with your known faults just like you chose to go out with him with his known faults.

The question is if you decide not to give up the smoking can your relationship survive?

Will you hold it against him if you go through the "suffering" of giving up the cigarettes? It is important that you give the cigarettes up for you and not just for him.

Also a non-smoker can smell and taste the cigarettes very easily when they are around smokers so it is an awful thing for a non-smoker to put up with but as I said earlier - he made his choice to put up with it when he started going out with you.

Marksie

I think one poster may have said this already. Yep maria
But you *were* smoking when you met him correct?

so its not as if you suddenly started while you were going out.

Now he shoiuld be positively encouraging you to quit and understanding of how difficult things are.

His reaction is somewhat OTT considering.. a stab to the heart???

brokensoul

Marksie wrote: »

I think one poster may have said this already. Yep maria
But you *were* smoking when you met him correct?

so its not as if you suddenly started while you were going out.

Now he shoiuld be positively encouraging you to quit and understanding of how difficult things are.

His reaction is somewhat OTT considering.. a stab to the heart???

Yes i was smoking when we started going out together. He says that he didnt realikse how much it would bother him. To be fair, he does acknowledge that his reactions to smoking are over the top but he says that he cant control them.

At the moment i feel that i would be giving up for him and, as someone said above, i would be scared that i would resent him for it.

On the other hand, it would be so stupid to wreck a relationship over a drug...

RedXIV

I would say give them up, but as everyone else stated, for you not him. But that doesn't mean he can't help. I once tried emotional blackmail to get a girl to give up smoking by saying every time she'd smoke, i'd take one too, and she knew i never smoked before and had no intentions of starting. that lasted the guts of 3 days and then, me being too stubborn to go back on my word, i had my first and last cigerette. No one told me you weren't supposed to swallow the smoke

I once kissed a girl in a nightclub and remember thinking to myself its like licking a fireplace so i can kinda see where your fella is coming from. So if you give them up, expect loads of grateful support

AARRRGH

brokensoul wrote: »

On the other hand, it would be so stupid to wreck a relationship over a drug...

If he breaks up with you over your smoking habit, it doesn't say much for his feelings for you, right?

brokensoul

brokensoul wrote: »

Yes i was smoking when we started going out together. He says that he didnt realikse how much it would bother him. To be fair, he does acknowledge that his reactions to smoking are over the top but he says that he cant control them.

Point out he has as much control to his reactions as you do over your smoking

i.e. both of you need to give them up and start taking some responsibility for your own selves

I've heard good things about the allen carr book, get that and try it asap
and do it for yourself, not for someone who moans at you in a melodramatic way

Captain Slow IRL

brokensoul - you're in a tough situation, but thousands before you did it and will do it after you - it's not that hard! (give up the cigs, not tolerate your bf!)

Get Allen Carr's book - "The easyway to stop smoking" - it was a great help to me and will put you in the correct mind-set to quit. 99% of quitting is down to psychology, if you can get over this, you're sorted.

If you're giving them up to please your partner, you're most likely going to fail - you have to give them up for yourself and no-one else. If he is pressuring you so much because it is unpleasent to him, you may want to take a step back and review your relationship - he's coming across as a tad selfish; his concern should be for your health more-so than his discomfort.

Overheal

Reminds me of my flatmate's situation: he's quit, but his g/f has started back up to about a pack a day. Same story really: he's getting wound up by the new pressures around him to stay off the cigarettes.

The other half of it is theres no reason for her to pick them back up: according to himself, she had been at home, and from the pictures on the wall had gathered she had put on weight since she quit. Fair enough, that can happen. Usually does. But she didn't like it.
Anyway as much as he doesnt want to start back up who wants to see someone else start back up either? Or in your case, continue?

You've made a lot of progress from what I've read. I'm sure a few other things were crutches too in the past. Well, hooey. One day soon I hope you look down m'dear and see 2 perfectly working legs to stand on. You're not as fragile as you think.

TPD

My girlfriend smokes and I dont - personally I quite like the smell and taste of her after a smoke.

Marksie

brokensoul wrote: »

he says that he cant control them.
.

That is hogwash. Bluewolf has the right of it.

He made choices and is resposinble for his own actions. he is dodging with that answer

Wibbs

I wholeheartedly agree with Marksie and bluewolf. He's talking utter tosh. Unless he isn't and he actually can't control his emotions over this. In which case this won't be the only thing he will have problems with his emotional state. A very bad sign. The fact that he knew you smoked before you went out added to this hissy fit immature reaction also suggests a controlling nature. Not much now but I suspect thin end of the wedge time.

estar

i gave up smoking and am now addicted to nicorette

it really does help, and although its not good to be addicted
to anything, at least it wont cause cancer and social problems.

i hate smoking now, and am slowly weaning myself off nicorette

but if i get stressed, i make sure i have a supply handy.

however, you are just giving up drink, do you really need another
pressure at the moment?

why not cut down to 5 a day and smoke them mostly when
hes not around.

just dont smoke around him.

the stab through the heart thing is pathetic. you should
say to him - maybe i should stab you in the heart so you
will know what thats like, as clearly you dont.

only joking mods, only joking. seriously though.

a stab through the heart. now if you went back on the drink
he might be disappointed.

i know my boyfriend wouldnt like if i smoked. but at the end of the
day if i had just given up alcohol and been through that struggle
recently and was doing as well as you are, id be saying, give us
a feckin break here.

axer

dublindude wrote: »

If he breaks up with you over your smoking habit, it doesn't say much for his feelings for you, right?

I disagree strongly. Maybe he wants her to give up smoking because he loves her and hates not only the stinch that comes with her because of the smoking but also hates the fact that she is destroying her body needlessly which hugely increases the risk of many diseases that could kill her. The only people that can have unconditional love imo is the love of a parent and child.

dudara

I agree with axer personally. Love is blind at times, but it's a rare form of love that would put up with smoking for a lifetime. It smells, it's unhealthy and I personally wouldn't fancy kissing a smoker.

Wagon

My girlfriend doesn't like me smoking much either but she doesn't blackmail me into giving them up. Your fella sounds like a little boy who goes into a huff if he doesn't get what he wants.

You were smoking when you started going out with him and he knew this from the start. It's not like you were secretly sneaking them in the jacks when he wasn't looking.

You should give up for YOU. Wibbs, and i think a few others, correctly pointed out that if you did it for him then it won't work. It's your health, not your boyfriends.

You don't smoke in his house and respect his health. He should appreciate that but he doesn't seem to give a toss does he?

Tell him to grow up. He's acting like a selfish little boy. It's your decision to smoke and if he can't accept that we all have some bad habits then he's a small minded git. There's bound to be things that he does that pisses you off but you don't threaten to break up with him over any annoying habits he has, am i right? This is the type of thing that would send alarm bells ringing in my head. If you give up the smokes for him then what will he ask you of next? Nobody's perfect, including him. Show him this post if you want.

For the record, giving up smokes is a good thing. If your on 20 a day, why not try cutting back to 15 for a while, then 10 etc... im down to 5 myself, maybe one day ill quit ....? Tune in next week to find out!