Heart Broken

LegacyUser

yeah same old same old....soppy story

i just need to blurt stuff out. He has actually torn me in two. weve gone out for over two years now, a few months ago we had a bad break up but we worked it out and the last few months had been absolutely amazing, everything i could of asked for. then a week ago things just weren good we were fighting and bickering etc. his solutio kept being im not good for you im not good for you and i tried to sort it out everytime, saw all the positive etc. i believed that we could have gotten over it, it was only a week, but on tuesday he couldnt do it anymore. and now i am undescribably devastated. i dont know what to do. tonight was the first time we talked. i had been sitting in front of my screen and mobile phone for hours wishing he would get through to me but nothing. so i put myself out there and sent him a message on msn, i just needed to hear from him. asked how he was etc etc and it was all very short replied and then i just told him i missed him and he just went. just like that.

i am truly broken. and i am not trying to be a sappy broken hearted puppy. but i am i dont know how to get over this. i dont want to get over this all i want and need is him and i cant . it hurts so much. sorry for all this boredom just needed to get some of it out.

henboy9

I'M not one for advice but i will say what i think so here goe's. I think you done the right thing in contacting him it shows you care. its no fun waiting for the phone to ring we all know how that feels. --take care

Requiem4adream

OP went through something identical 3 years ago. Was absolutely devastated, heartbroken, gutted, couldnt eat, sleep, breathe, anything. Simple human things felt impossible to do. I didnt know what to do - we were together almost 3 years and saw each other nearly every day over that time, now there was a massive void in my life that i didnt ask for nor want. She was what i wanted and i was faced with the fact that she wanted something different.

In terms of advice.... it's actually the hardest thing to do but if you can find it in you to be strong and avoid contact with him for a week or 2, give it some time and space to settle down, in the long run it'll work out much better. I found that the more i texted/attempted to talk to her back then, the further it pushed her away. She was the one asking for space and due to how i was feeling i wasn't able to give that to her. So the net result, in trying to explain to her how i felt i ended up driving a wedge between us.

Fast forward 3 years and she isn't in my life at all and i'm very happy in my life. However, i wish someone had given me better advice back then. It's not easy to be strong like that - so try make yourself busy. If you're in college get stuck in to extra work, go to the cinema more, watch dvds with friends, make your days as busy as possible. When you feel as you do, every day feels like an eternity so try keep your mind and body active and not thinking about what has just happened.

chuci

go out with your friends tonight delete his no from your phone and block him off your msn delete him off your bebo/ my space etc. give your phone to your friend if you think that you might ring or text him if you do go out. drunken texting is just bad think we have all been there. but out of sight out of mind is the only way to deal with these things i think. keeping in contact or thinking that you will be friends just after breaking up is just silly. not saying rule out being friends but that will only be possible after 6+ months down the line and if you both want to be friends. just hang out with your friends and have a few drinks try to forget about it for a few hours and just hang out. good luck and mind yourself.

cjmcork

OP - been there, done that, broke up with my MAJOR ex 7 years ago - himself, myself and his wife all worked in the same company (he met her after me and they married), so that was gut-wrenching to go through - time heals they say, but it doesn't - it still guts me -but I can see now that it would never have lasted anyway...... it just gets easier to deal with - delete all contact points with him - cos he WILL move on and you will be left feeling like a fool for chasing after him...........lean on your friends and if they're no good to you now - don't bother with them anymore.........I learned a few things about my friends during this time.......would agree with R4adream - invest in DVDS! they're great - escapism is the way to go! and try to stay off MSN - delete his mobile phone number aswell - makes it harder to drunk text...........

good luck

dudara

OP, for some reason, he has decided that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. You feel so bad right now, but don't make it worse by ringing him or contacting him in other means.

Keep your distance for a while and cut off all communications. Give both of you a chance to clear your heads and hearts.

star-pants

OP there's all the usual - don't contact him, don't dwell on it, get out more etc

At the end of the day - it hurts like hell... to see them online as you did - desperately wanting them to talk to you and they don't. You reach out and say hi and then you wish you hadn't because they're cold with you and it hurts.
It can be a long road hun - but it's a road only you can take, and you are in control of how long/hard that road is. Trust me I've made one of mine very long and windy and really wish I hadn't.

It's *so* hard to do, but you have got to keep away for now, I didn't understand myself until way after that the space is needed. I didn't want to stay away, I didn't want to drop the contact and only hurt myself in the process.
He has made his decision and there isn't much you can do pet - but you need to look after yourself now. You need to not let yourself be sitting at the computer whilst he's on - go offline - go out - do something that doesn't involve long periods of time on your own. Because you'll just sit and wonder what he's up to or should you contact him etc.

This is where friends come in - go over to a friends house and watch a movie, or go out for walks or something that keeps you active. Even if you go over and cry at them that's ok, because they'll keep you sane /away from contacting him.

Time and patience is needed right now hun - it's tough but you can do it. Don't let him have crushed your world, you're good in your own right. And if you need to vent -you can vent on here, there's lots of people to support you.
Best of luck x

Wibbs

Requiem4adream wrote: »

In terms of advice.... it's actually the hardest thing to do but if you can find it in you to be strong and avoid contact with him for a week or 2, give it some time and space to settle down, in the long run it'll work out much better. I found that the more i texted/attempted to talk to her back then, the further it pushed her away. She was the one asking for space and due to how i was feeling i wasn't able to give that to her. So the net result, in trying to explain to her how i felt i ended up driving a wedge between us.

Another winner from Requiem4adream. Very good advice, though hard to take when you're in the middle of it. We're all wise after the fact. Typical:). When someone asks for space give it to them, for both your sakes, but in the long run it's to your advantage. If there's a breakup it's because the relationship was in serious trouble and one partner decided that he or she didn't want to try anymore or they felt they had better options. As I said if someone chooses to walk, let them. You will find someone who won't walk.

Liam Byrne

Got hammered with feeling something similar (although crazily it shouldn't have hit me as hard coz it was only a short-term thing) around Christmas and felt absolutely crap.

3 months on, and while I do occasionally wonder and miss her, it's not running my life anymore....she made a call (although it seems to have been more subconscious than conscious), coz of that it's over, and (in hindsight) I'd prefer to be single and/or with someone that wants me (and vice versa) than with someone that I'm completely unsure of.

So, OP, do you REALLY want to be with someone that doesn't want you ? Are you REALLY that "needy" ? Not being harsh or lousy, coz those are the questions I had to ask myself.

Get out there and enjoy life....it'll take a while, but you'll get there....best of luck!

SW81

Best of luck OP. There's no worse feeling in the world for me. Been through it twice and I don't want to go through it again....if it's any consolation as you can already see on here everyone has been through it and you're not alone, right now there are thousands of people going through the same thing. It hurts and you will miss him terribly but there's someone better out there for you. He doesn't want you, it's harsh and horrible but he's made his decision, now it's time for you to get on with your life. You have every right to cry your heart out and feel sorry for yourself but things will get better. Keep yourself busy with friends, family, hobbies, DVD's etc....

Most of all don't contact him, it will get easier in time. Please don't look at his Bebo/MySpace etc, this for me was the hardest thing of all.

Best of luck pet, you'll be fine I promise x

lonely heart

Hi there. I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. Yeah I have been there and done that too, 2 years ago. Was with my ex for 6 years, and this is one of the rare times that I refer to him as my ex, and not by his name, as I mentally don't want to put him in that category.....weird isn't it.

I honest to God thought of him as my soul mate, and to this day, if any of my friends make jokes or cracks about him, I honestly get hurt deep in my heart. I never tried harder at anything in my life than i did to try and fix it. I would have done anything, and in doing so I feel that I lost every little bit of pride and dignity that I had.

But unfortunately I have to agree with what was said above - all contact to try and resolve any of it was initiated by me, and I have to agree that it seems like the more contact I made, the greater the wedge it drove between us, instead of bringing us in any way closer.

He had gone through many tough times during those 6 years, and during that time, I tried as best as I knew how to help him, giving my time to his problems before my own. THen when things took a very positive turn for him, I had a problem of my own, that i really needed to talk to someone about, and I needed help, but he litterally ran away. He didn't even explain to me that he needed space or anything, just said he rejected the relationship and that was it. It seemed that he had talked to everyone else about his intentions, except me. I wish he had talked to them about his original problems over the 6 years - would have made my life easier:)

It hurts me to the bone to this very day, that you could trust someone whole heartly, and you really think you know them, and they let you down in an unbelievable way - and you realise that you really didn't know them at all, that when the chips are down that they are not there. It still hurts so much. And despite everything, I think about him every single day, and all his good bits - there were many of them -and i wish he felt the same way about me.

I feel completely stupid now looking back on it, but I missed time from work because of this, lost 3 st, and nothing seemed to have any meaning anymore. I had my friends heads wrecked as all i did was cried or stared and walked around in rings. I couldn't sleep for about 2 months, and to the horror of my flatmates, I used to get up in the middle of the night and walk around our estate, just walking around - sure it was so dangerous and stupid, but at the time it didn't matter.

THe thing is that everyone tried to give me advice - you know the usual - keep away from him, get out there and keep busy etc - and whilst I did listen, in my head I still believed that they didn't know him like I did, they didn't know what we had or how special he was to me.

Anyways the bottom line is - At the end of the day, in a weird way, it was actually one of the best things that happened to me.

First of all - I learned who my friends really were - and I learned that I had loads of great friends who all jumped in there to help me. I now realise that I had kinda being brushing them off before, as I did all my socialising with him. I can't thank them enough and will do my best to be there for them in their times of need. Don't neglect your friends - listen to them and spend as much time with them as you can -no need to be alone.

Secondly - I now understand what its like to go through a breakup and the hurt that it brings - and it makes me understand what people close to me were going through - and i really can be sympathetic towards them - what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Thirdly - I have gone back to doing the things that I enjoy in life. there were loads of things that I had given up doing - so that we could have some time together. Even things like going to mass - he ridiculed me for it, so I actually gave up going - and therefore had given up my own identity - WHY? It was my own business. I didn't enforce my beliefs on any one else.

Fourthly - I have realised that i have great family support when the chips are down. we are not close but when i needed to talk, they were all there for me, and they reminded me that no matter how bad things get in the big bad world out there, I would always have a home to go to.

Finally - as a friend said to me - and he is not a man with words of wisdom - you are better off to be alone in life, than with someone who doesn't appreciate you for what you are, and the wonderful things that you have to offer. its better to be in control of your life, than with someone who tries to control you.

So I guess what I am trying to say is - look after yourself, and be the best person that you can be. you deserve to do this for your self. Hang out with your mates, do the things that you like to do, and be happy in yourself. THe hurt won't go away, and will continue to sting - if you let it! Don't let the hurt take over - you are stronger than that - and believe in yourself!

And if you feel down, and need moral support, come back onto boards, and ask us for it. I wish i knew about boards at the time ;-)

aoife000

OP I am genuinely sorry to hear that you are going through this. I could give you a load of advice on breaking off contact etc, but I think you've already been given that above.

what i want to say that is I am been there. For me it wasn't a very long-term relationship, but I had gotten in way too deep way too quick, and it was way too intense. For weeks and month afterwards, he was all I thought about. Everything everywhere reminded me of him. I wanted to cry all the time. I couldn't concentrate on work or do anything which had once seemed like normal every day things. But the day came (and so too will it for you) when I realised that I had actually got though a day where I didn't think of him for every second of that day, and then a day came when I realised that I hadn't wanted to cry that day thinking of him, and the day came when I actually started to fancy someone else. And every now and then I think back to my lost love, and I would still love to have him in my life, but I have moved on. And although at the time I couldn't imagine how I could get on with my life without him in it, I did and I'm here to tell the tale. And I'm doing well. And you will too. Hang in there chick. You will be ok and you will get through this I promise you. xxxxxxx

cjmcork

i'd echo 'lonely heart' on this one - I went through an awful time, as everyone does, it doesn't diminish the experience one bit, the thing that hurt the most for me was that he had become my best friend, and what do you do without your best friend? I, like Lonely Heart, had made him my world and was very lucky that I had friends waiting for me at the other side of it.......the boards are great for support also - they weren't there when it happened to me - everyone's been through it and we're all still here, I haven't met anyone since, but that's my own doing.......I didn't want to, but now, after 7 years, I'm ready to move on - for me it was 'all men are scum' but now, I feel like I'm ready to be out there again.........OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's up to you though how far away it is - good luck

SW81

Terrific post lonely heart,

Colonel_McCoy

lonely heart could not have said it better. Agree 100% I was there, in fact I still think I am but I am moving forward one step at at a time.

After every dark night there is a bright day

Marksie

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

After every dark night there is a bright day

and there cannot be one without the other. Strange as it may seem, to actually learn and grow both have to be present.

All of us, have and will been through this at some point in time. It is in fact part of the human condition.

I am always saying that there are lessons to be learned from everything that happens and sometimes the lessons from the "bad" events are the most important.

Lonely hearts post shows this and she puts her persepective forward clearly.
But at the time, the advice she was hearing was just that.
Now she sees it from an insiders view.

So OP you may be reading her post and not understanding.. but given time and distance you will.

It hurts big time but what you learn from it will either be useful for you in the future or you wont let it be.

re read lonely hearts post and one day, you will realise exactly what it means, then you will be over it.
Until that time, just work from day to day.

Clare Bear

I don't think anyone could say it better than Lonely Heart did....great post. Sums up perfectly what I would want to say on this matter. OP, I've been there and moved on a lot faster than I thought I would in the end but at the time it was horrible. But you WILL get through it. Best thing for me was to surround myself with friends and not be on my own if possible. I needed a day or two to cry on my own but after that I got out there and went out with friends, even if it was the last thing I felt like doing. People on here were amazing, they really were. Don't think I'd be in such a good place so fast if it wasn't for them. Pop over to the Ladies Lounge too, there's some great girls on there with lots of great advice to give. Take care of yourself, you deserve bigger and better than someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore. You will be loved again and it will be ten times better (it's happened to me when I least expected it and I've never been happier so even though you probably don't feel like even thinking about ever meeting someone else right now, it will happen so don't give up hope). Good luck with everything. Hope it all works out for you. You're not alone.

Wibbs

There's not a lot I could add t the above advice. You have to grieve and move through this time. Take the time to grieve and get out there even if your don't feel ready. Also take the time to relfect and understand the relationship and learn from it. I would advise not jumping back into another relationship too quickly. Take your time and take this time for you to be on your own for a while. Rebounding as a distraction is very easy to do whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. If you haven't resolved the last one in your head then you will bring it with you even if the headiness of something new distracts you for a time. Rebounds are not a good thing, unless you recognise it as such and the other person knows it too. That rarely happens though.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

As I said if someone chooses to walk, let them. You will find someone who won't walk.

That quote made me smile thank you

I came back on only a couple of days later and i have all these replies... I didn't expect any at all!! Guys thank you so much, I never thought posting on this could potentially help but believe me the advice you have given was amazing and makes a lot of sense. Compared to even two days ago I'm in a much better state.

cjmcork

OP, great to hear you're doing a bit better.......

Clare Bear

Unreggistad wrote: »

That quote made me smile thank you

I came back on only a couple of days later and i have all these replies... I didn't expect any at all!! Guys thank you so much, I never thought posting on this could potentially help but believe me the advice you have given was amazing and makes a lot of sense. Compared to even two days ago I'm in a much better state.

Glad you're better already, go you!

People on here are amazing, I'll never forget how a few in particular helped me when I went through it all. Take care, keep on smiling, you'll get there x

LegacyUser

it keeps hitting me about the whole thing.like i feel as if he doesnt even care. i still haven heard anything from him and fair enough but i don't think i will anytime soon either. its just really strange because we broke up before a good while ago and only a couple of days went by before he talked to me again. its not like the relationship was going downhill for some time. all it was was that we were fighting over a week. even before he broke up with me he told me he still loves me and wants to be with me (its just that he cant continue making me unhappy). Like after everything...we have been devoted to eachother up until 2 weeks ago, loved each other to bits...and now he has just changed or so it seems. i really just dont think he cares otherwise he would have gotten through to me. It would be different if things between us were terrible and we were annoying the crap out of eachother but it wasnt like that at all. but it was such an indecent break up basically just told me he had to go and left my get out of his car and walk home in tears. i just dont get it.

also does anyone know what an anxiety/panic attack comprises of just for peace of mind please?

Victor

Unreggistad wrote: »

also does anyone know what an anxiety/panic attack comprises of just for peace of mind please?

Fight, flight or inaction or combination thereof.

It can vary a lot, from breathing problems and lethargy to complete over-reaction. But we can't decide, thats for a doctor. If you feeling things that make you feel unsafe, then have a word with your doctor.

http://www.panic-anxiety.com/panic/attacks/symptoms/

Common symptoms of panic attacks
Rapid heart beat, pounding heart or palpitations
Sweating
Shaking visibly or inside
Choking sensations or lump in throat
Smothering or shortness of breath sensations
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea, bloating, indigestion or abdominal discomfort
Dizziness or unsteadiness
Feeling light-headed
Derealisation (feeling unreal or dreamy)
Depersonalisation (feeling outside yourself or like you don't exist)
Fear of losing control or going crazy
Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations) in face, extremities or body
Chills or hot flushes
Skin losing colour
Blushing or skin blotches
Urgently needing to urinate or defecate

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/panic_disorder_anxiety_attack_symptom_treatment.htm

What are the signs and symptoms of a panic attack? In a panic attack, symptoms develop abruptly and usually reach their peak within 10 minutes. A full-blown panic attack includes at least 4 of the following symptoms:

Shortness of breath or smothering sensation
Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Chest pain or discomfort
Trembling or shaking
Feeling of choking
Sweating
Nausea or stomach distress
Feeling unsteady, dizzy, lightheaded, or faint
Feelings of unreality or of being detached from yourself
Fear of losing control or going crazy
Fear of dying
Numbness or tingling sensations
Hot or cold flashes

Most panic attacks end within 20 to 30 minutes, and they rarely last more than an hour.

SW81

Hate to be all soppy but just heard this on the radio, made me think of what you're going through. Not a Leona Lewis fan but maybe it will give you some hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE

LegacyUser

Thanks victor, looks like i may be experiencing them after all.

Victor

No problem. Its all in your mind despite feeling very real. Plenty of help out their, just ask.