Things you never want to hear from your parents

Loomis

Well what's the worst thing you've ever heard from your parents? The kind of thing that would normally be funny if it hadn't just come from your parents mouth. I have tons cause my parents love to try to embarrass me.

WindSock

''you're not really adopted''

Saint_Mel

Mr. Anderson wrote: »

Well what's the worst thing you've ever heard from your parents? The kind of thing that would normally be funny if it hadn't just come from your parents mouth. I have tons cause my parents love to try to embarrass me.

I was in town with my Dad recently and met a mate (who he also knows) with his girlfriend. Stopped to chat for a few minutes and they had barely turned away to go when my Dad piped up ..."Jaysus, she's not much to look at"

Was funny to hear until I realised it was my Dad sizing up my mates girlfriend!

Loomis

Mild, lads, mild...
I'm talking "ye, she was biting the pillow last night" from my dad while he gestures in my mothers direction
I'll share others later

"we're going to portugal!"

coillcam

The noise of them having sex when your just old enough to understand what sex is.

syklops

Saint_Mel wrote: »

Was funny to hear until I realised it was my Dad sizing up my mates girlfriend!

What do you mean it was funny until you realised he was sizing her up? Why would he make the statement if he wasnt sizing her up?

Wazdakka

Was having a chat with my mum a while ago about her going to the Doc.
Mum and dad divorced aaagess ago and her partner died about 6 years ago.
Anyway.. She started talking about them Wimmins tests. And before I could cover my poor little ears I heard.
"Its not that I was worried that there was something wrong.. Its just been so long I was afraid he'd find Rust"

:eek:

Loomis

Ah come on people, move it along. The day is slow.
Another gem from my dad "get into the bedroom bitch 'til I rattle ye"

whatsgoinon

My father after a feed of 8 pints of the black stuff, looking my cousins boyfriend (who in all honesty is a complete minger) up and down, and declaring to all around him "jaysis he must have a d*ck like a stallion, why else would she be with him?"

shame-o-rama

Saint_Mel

syklops wrote: »

What do you mean it was funny until you realised he was sizing her up? Why would he make the statement if he wasnt sizing her up?

It was funny to hear, but the idea of my Dad sizing her up wasn't!

watna

My granny asked me once "are you courting", when I was about 16. I said granny nobody says that anymore, it's very old fashioned. She said oh and was quiet for a few seconds and then asked "are you shagging around then"!

I've never been so schocked and saw my granny in a different light after that!

John Mason

My dad tried to offer various people money in the pub one night, to go on a date with me

cjt156

irishbird wrote: »

My dad tried to offer various people money in the pub one night, to go on a date with me

I know; tell him not to insult me again. Two grand, pfft!

Homer

LittleNipper wrote: »

"we're going to portugal!"

Quality

Victor

I explained to my mother that a friend had told her mother of her intention to get married by taking her shopping for wedding dresses. Her mother needed a brandy. My mother siad "Well she could have just moved in with him".

I was shocked at the idea of my mother suggesting any such thing.

Andy-Pandy

While in Amsterdam with my Mum we walked passed a sex show and she says,' im going in, you can either come in with me or wait outside'.


AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The_Minister

cjt156 wrote: »

I know; tell him not to insult me again. Two grand, pfft!

Legend.

bitemybanger

yes yes yes yes yes O YES YES right there, give it to me, harder, harder.

Do i need to explain??:rolleyes:

syklops

Dad: Your Mother has to go into hospital.
You: Why?
Mother: Well I have a bit hanging down, and they need to tuck it in.
You: Urghhhh.......<Shudders>

==============================

Father: I remember a time, a long time ago, with my first wife, and I was taking the kids.... Er, Ive said too much
<Father exits stage right>

==============================

Father: Your cousin mary is turning into a grand looking woman
You(Shocked): But she is only 14!
Father: Well... Even so.

==============================

On the night before your wedding, your mother says to the bride:

Mother: On my wedding night, my mother gave me this, and so now Im giving it to you. Its your something borrowed from me.
Bride: What is it?
Mother: A clockwork vibrator. The sexlife goes down hill from tonight.

==============================

Im done. I think I need to get a real job aswell.

RonMexico

One time I was on holiday with my friend and his family and my friend and I were heading off to the bars to get pissed and we asked his Dad to come out with us because the mother was taking forever to get ready. He said he would join us in an hour. My friend says to him - "What do you need an hour for, thats an hours drinking wasted."

His reply was golden.

"I need an hour to get your mother off!"

Not realising she was standing behind him.

Fizman

Going by the thread title alone...... I would never want my dad to take a picture of my mum out of his wallet and ask me "Would you?".

The same goes for my mum taking a pic of my dad out and asking the same question. Now that would just be too weird altogether.

Fizman

Fizman wrote: »

Going by the thread title alone...... I would never want my dad to take a picture of my mum out of his wallet and ask me "Would you?".

The same goes for my mum taking a pic of my dad out and asking the same question. Now that would just be too weird altogether.

i would;)

Fizman

LittleNipper wrote: »

i would;)

My dad??
Your one sick puppy!

The Queen

For some reason, we were talking about our old kitchen, and I said remember our old table? Mammy went on to describe how I was conceived there.... Ugh...

Also, her and Dad once went down to room, and just started going "oh, oh, oh yes, oooo I love when you do that"


I hate them!

Loomis

The Queen wrote: »

For some reason, we were talking about our old kitchen, and I said remember our old table? Mammy went on to describe how I was conceived there.... Ugh...

Also, her and Dad once went down to room, and just started going "oh, oh, oh yes, oooo I love when you do that"


I hate them!

Similar, but my dad doesn't leave the room. With me and my sisters in the room he'll happy get on top of my mother and start doing 'the motions' and making noise saying 'oh baby oh baby'. Normally throws in 'A1 Sharon' too*

* Note this is not her name but the delightful reference to The Snapper by Roddy Doyle

chamlis

Mr. Anderson wrote: »

Similar, but my dad doesn't leave the room. With me and my sisters in the room he'll happy get on top of my mother and start doing 'the motions' and making noise saying 'oh baby oh baby'. Normally throws in 'A1 Sharon' too*

* Note this is not her name but the delightful reference to The Snapper by Roddy Doyle

lmfao

useful_contacts

Reminds me of my fathers 60th in the pub- we had a little party, and we were all fairly flutered and somehow in the sisters group the conversation got to sex. So my mam passes , brandy in hand and pipes in "ive a story for ya' she sits down and describes IN DETAIL the positions she likes and informed us she concieved my little sister on the sink *shudders*

Think thats bad? she was drunk so she was talkin pretty loud- so dad hears her and pipes up "Didnt you clean a chicken for dinner in that sink the next day"

Oh the shame!!!:eek:

120_Minutes

"we're going on a swingers holiday!"

AckwelFoley

FACT:

I walked in on my 60 year old parents having sex 2 years ago.

The words comming out of my mother should never be heard by a son.

The only solice i took from the incident, after all the throwing up i did, was i know now where i inherited my sexual stamina from.

Thanks dad.

RonMexico

snyper wrote: »

FACT:

I walked in on my 60 year old parents having sex 2 years ago.

The words comming out of my mother should never be heard by a son.

The only solice i took from the incident, after all the throwing up i did, was i know now where i inherited my sexual stamina from.

Thanks dad.

Were the words - "Would you like to tag-team me?"

Loomis

Daddy dearest again...
'Fancy a quick one, Sharon?' (again with The Snapper reference)
And 'I'll give you a bang of it'
And 'I'll leave you in a ****in heap'...
I could go on

Kold

I'm always pretty disappointed when my Mum farts.

CallMeMiss

My mam to me in front of the new boy .....

"If ur going to be courting Id rather you found some where else to do it, I dont have time to be fixing up the couch every morning"

MORTOFIED

Shes also used the term "heavy petting" once or twice .......

Cokehead Mother

"i could buy you a proper one so you won't need to steal the carrots anymore"

WoollyRedHat

bitemybanger wrote: »

yes yes yes yes yes O YES YES right there, give it to me, harder, harder.

Do i need to explain??:rolleyes:

Maybe they were hanging up pictures on the wall?

thefinalstage

120_Minutes wrote: »

"we're going on a swingers holiday!"

I will be booking one post haste!

Trojan911

Going by the Thread Title:

Father: Your not going out....

Rb

I once overheard my dad tell his mate on the phone how he was going to be stuck doing it missionary after he'd damaged his back.

Christ I did not need to know that.

JC 2K3

Mr. Anderson wrote: »

Ah come on people, move it along. The day is slow.
Another gem from my dad "get into the bedroom bitch 'til I rattle ye"

Did it hurt?

Sangre

rb_ie wrote: »

I once overheard my dad tell his mate on the phone how he was going to be stuck doing it missionary after he'd damaged his back.

Christ I did not need to know that.

Yeah, its always depressing when you realise your parents are getting old.

Rb

Sangre wrote: »

Yeah, its always depressing when you realise your parents are getting old.

sinlessgunner

Conversation with Dad when I was 15:

Dad: You and *my ex's name* have beem going out a while now
Me: Yeah a year now almost
Dad: Are you having sex yet
Me: :eek: eh no........(yes) haha
Dad: I'll buy you some condoms if you're afraid to get them yourself. You should have them in case you do end up having sex
Me: .................dead silence the rest of the way home

Rb

sinlessgunner wrote: »

Conversation with Dad when I was 15:

Dad: You and *my ex's name* have beem going out a while now
Me: Yeah a year now almost
Dad: Are you having sex yet
Me: :eek: eh no........(yes) haha
Dad: I'll buy you some condoms if you're afraid to get them yourself. You should have them in case you do end up having sex
Me: .................dead silence the rest of the way home

Ah that's not that bad in fairness, every guy has had a few condom discussions with their father.

It's cringeworthy at the time but they've only your best interests in mind.

Loomis

JC 2K3 wrote: »

Did it hurt?

No idea. I didn't ask her

javaboy

sinlessgunner wrote: »

Conversation with Dad when I was 15:

Dad: You and *my ex's name* have beem going out a while now
Me: Yeah a year now almost
Dad: Are you having sex yet
Me: :eek: eh no........(yes) haha
Dad: I'll buy you some condoms if you're afraid to get them yourself. You should have them in case you do end up having sex
Me: .................dead silence the rest of the way home

So if you just get over the whole weirdness and general awkwardness, your dad offered to buy+pay for your condoms for you and gave you the all clear to have the s€x at 15? That's the blaydin' bizzo!

One thing that would be weird though is if he bought them for you and you used them all up fairly quickly. It would be really awkward going up to him every couple of days asking for another 12 pack... or flavoured ones.

Wook

sinlessgunner wrote: »

Conversation with Dad when I was 15:

Dad: You and *my ex's name* have beem going out a while now
Me: Yeah a year now almost
Dad: Are you having sex yet
Me: :eek: eh no........(yes) haha
Dad: I'll buy you some condoms if you're afraid to get them yourself. You should have them in case you do end up having sex
Me: .................dead silence the rest of the way home

great dad IMO

flanum

Father to son: "after i buy you these condoms, ill show you how to put one on"

kev_s88

too much

Al_Fernz

My mate was in NY with his parents when he was 18. Walking down a street his mother pointed to a hotel and said "Thats where you were concieved."

He really didn't need to tell all of us though.

PeadarofAodh

My dad: "Yore ma"