My fifth poem

mush21

REMEMBER FATHERS DAY

As I sit here all alone,
thinking about my little one.
I wonder if she knows about,
the things I think and say aloud.
My heart is aching my head is sore,
will I get to see her any more.
Fathers day has come and gone
No card no hug no telephone.
The feelings that run deep and wide,
the sorrow that I cannot hide.
So mothers please I want to say,
don't forget about fathers day.:)

claire h

To be honest, most of the work you've posted up here suffers badly from being overly trite and obviously motivated by your personal situation and desire to cast yourself as a wronged victim. It leaves nothing to the imagination and the insistence upon rhyming is awkward. Good therapy, bad poetry.

mush21

claire h wrote: »

To be honest, most of the work you've posted up here suffers badly from being overly trite and obviously motivated by your personal situation and desire to cast yourself as a wronged victim. It leaves nothing to the imagination and the insistence upon rhyming is awkward. Good therapy, bad poetry.

Really? Miss know-it all,
I wrote some of these poems on fathers day when feeling sad, not just wronged.
Some are just poems for my daughter that I wanted to share.
My poems The Terrorist and Empty spaces have now been published.
Have you had any work published lately?
Constructive critisism would have been nice, tripe is not.
Thanks anyway.:mad:

claire h

mush21 wrote: »

Some are just poems for my daughter that I wanted to share.

Yes, exactly, there's a big difference between writing something for someone you love, and putting something online and therefore leaving yourself open to criticism on the work, which your hostile reaction to indicates you are nowhere near ready for.

mush21

claire h wrote: »

Yes, exactly, there's a big difference between writing something for someone you love, and putting something online and therefore leaving yourself open to criticism on the work, which your hostile reaction to indicates you are nowhere near ready for.

I see it didn't take long for the feminazi brigade to decend on me.
Maybe if I was a woman suffering the effects of domestic violence your attitude would have been different.
Anyway seeing as you have started only six threads in five years (and none of them containing anything which qualifies you as a critic of creative writing) your opinnions are irrelevant to me.
Go and haunt another thred.

Hmm_Messiah

that poem is truly awful, not a single redeeming feature - which says a lot when you consider the subject matter

claire_h has pinpointed whats not good with it, but you've rejected her opinion and I imagine will do the same to any unless its positive - which I really can't see happening.

mush21

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

that poem is truly awful, not a single redeeming feature - which says a lot when you consider the subject matter

claire_h has pinpointed whats not good with it, but you've rejected her opinion and I imagine will do the same to any unless its positive - which I really can't see happening.

With respect,
Claire made a sweeping statement rubbishing most of my poems.
I never said that this poem was brilliant, or any of my poetry in fact.
Like I stated, constructive critisism would be welcome, especially from people who know what they're talking about.
I get the big "I am" of the forums slagging off my poetry at the first opportunity and having noticed that she's a feminist I can only presume that my situation and being a male would have spurred her into her volatile reaction to my poems.

Sarky

...

Mush21, there's no need to react like that. Calm down please.

Hmm Messiah, if something is "truly awful" on this forum, I'd appreciate if you followed up with why instead of what you just posted.

Hmm_Messiah

for the sake of clarity

I did say why I considered it truly awful in some part by concurring with Claire_h's comments rather than repeating them.

The poem seems contrived, and naive to the extreme, there is rhyme for the sake of it (apparently) .

"feelings that run deep and wide" -how do feelings run wide ?
As a comparison when I tutor in creative writing a similar work might of been included as a first draft but not as a finished work .

Sharing the sentiment in a different forum would be fine, the situation referenced is significant, but posting as a piece of creative writing in a forum I presume is an invitation to criticism , and I would of thought claire_h's criticism was very much constructive

And the smiley face at the end of the poem - why ?

So there are my whys, though I had included them in the original post, the rest of that post I'd of thought a valid reaction to what had been contributed in the thread .

And the recent contribution seems to suggest a feminist cannot make an objective or valid comment on "poetry" by a man in a particular situation. That to me confirms either the naivety of the writer or my original comment that only affirming comment will be considered.

buck65

Jesus why is Claire H a feminist for giving an opinion!
I agree with her to an extent, but hey you got published so fair play. The poems are not my particular cup of tea but well done again.

Running Bing

mush21 wrote: »

REMEMBER FATHERS DAY

As I sit here all alone,
thinking about my little one.
I wonder if she knows about,
the things I think and say aloud.
My heart is aching my head is sore,
will I get to see her any more.
Fathers day has come and gone
No card no hug no telephone.
The feelings that run deep and wide,
the sorrow that I cannot hide.
So mothers please I want to say,
don't forget about fathers day.:)

I think the problem with your poems is that there is very little of interest for the reader.

As previously pointed out they are clearly very personal but they are very dull and mundane imo and bring nothing new or exciting to the table. The language/imagery is trite and the rhyming is clumsy.

They also suffer from being too literal.

Try being more subtle and go easy on the rhyming.