I need ways to calm down

LegacyUser

My boyfriend broke up with me, and needless to say, I'm totally devastated. I can't eat, sleep, work, smoke or anything without being a total mess. But I guess that's a seperate issue in itself.

I need to find ways to calm down though - I'm totally grieving for someone who is alive and well, and who I still get on very well with, but when I try to sleep I can't stop crying, wailing or whatever - I just get so angry and want to scream and punch something. When I try to calm myself down I just end up worse.

Have you any tips for me to calm down and get through this? I know it'll take time and all that, but I don't know how much more I can take.

TIA.

How Strange

need2chill, what you're going through right now is normal however awful it may seem. I think your body will just get to the stage where it will collapse and sleep because you'll be exhausted.

In the meantime, I suggest drinking camomile tea before bed, lavender drops on your pillow. Maybe do a pilates class - it can be very relaxing and will tire you physically. I could say try breathing exercises but I'd say in your current state that probably wouldn't work. I've heard that rose oil is very good for calming people; it used to given to grieving people years ago to help them through a death.

Hope some of that helps.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking about Yoga or Pilates - or even just breathing exercises, but everytime I close my eyes I just end up being hysterical.

Marksie

need2chill wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking about Yoga or Pilates - or even just breathing exercises, but everytime I close my eyes I just end up being hysterical.

Well how about conscious breathing just focussing on the breath filling the belly and letting thoughts gradually drift away. They are dominating your thinking right now.

Its a more structured approach to meditation that is required to help you to calm and with practice will help immeasurably....
So look at meditational groups. The yoga will help as well.

there are also specific meditations for "letting go" of relationships.

In the stuff i do, we are encouraged not to repress the emotions but to express them so that the the negative ones are cleared and the positive onces can be utilised and enhanced upon.

Dizzyblonde

OP you're grieving for a lost relationship and it's perfectly normal. Exercise is good, even going for long walks will help clear your head and lift your mood.
You will get over this, give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

crotalus667

need2chill wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking about Yoga or Pilates - or even just breathing exercises, but everytime I close my eyes I just end up being hysterical.

I find if im p'ed off at someone or wound up oversomething pounding some weights and going nuts on the cardio is a great form of realese

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

Well how about conscious breathing just focussing on the breath filling the belly and letting thoughts gradually drift away. They are dominating your thinking right now.

Its a more structured approach to meditation that is required to help you to calm and with practice will help immeasurably....
So look at meditational groups. The yoga will help as well.

there are also specific meditations for "letting go" of relationships.

In the stuff i do, we are encouraged not to repress the emotions but to express them so that the the negative ones are cleared and the positive onces can be utilised and enhanced upon.

thanks for that Marksie. The good (I think) thing is that there is no negativity at all. Everything I think about him is positive, and I'm concentrating on what I'll never get back. This of course just drives me insane.
I'd love to hear more about the "letting go" meditations if you have any links or the like.

Marksie

need2chill wrote: »

thanks for that Marksie. The good (I think) thing is that there is no negativity at all. Everything I think about him is positive, and I'm concentrating on what I'll never get back. This of course just drives me insane.
I'd love to hear more about the "letting go" meditations if you have any links or the like.

I will give you the link to a nice little book i have. It covers most things:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Meditation-Bible-Definitive-Meditations-Purpose/dp/1841812498/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205835714&sr=8-1

Well of course it drives you insane but its something you have to work through the system.
I think the path i use is similar in essence to many others that deal with op;ening the energy channels.
But it has for example released feelings that have been intense almost overwhelming but have been expressed and released. It allows you to move on and to deal with them and accept whats happened.

But with conscious breathing its a case of focussing juts in the breath with your mind and allowing you to calm down initially. you will still have the thoughts but you let them slip by without focussing on them. It will help calm you initially and stop them whirling around in your head til the wee hours of the morning

Now i was doping a search for conscious breathing, i fouind this u tube link. Its a bit americaanny but it shows you better than i can talk about it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7WFq17NxWA
breathing into particular centres, but focus just on the breath

There are probably better examples but its a quick search

How Strange

need2chill wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking about Yoga or Pilates - or even just breathing exercises, but everytime I close my eyes I just end up being hysterical.

I was never very good at yoga but found pilates great. It is very relaxing and I used to go when I had whiplash and I'd come out a new person. Not the same as your situation but just showing that it is very effective for relaxing the body.
Yoga can be good too but personally I think you have to be going for a while to see benefits or maybe that's because I'm incredibly inflexible.

Breathing exercises are good too but you have to be able to switch your brain off. That in itself takes alot of practice.

RedXIV

Or if ya haven't the patience for breathing exercises (like me )
I found being around people that make ya laugh is great for unwinding. the more distractiong you get, the less likely your mind is to wander and therefore throw up painful thoughts

hope you get over this soon!

Liam Byrne

Hey need2chill....

When did ye break up, and how long were ye going out for ? Is it definitely over, or is there a way to fix it and make up ?

For what it's worth, what you're going through is fairly normal......it took me ages to get over my most recent g/f, even though we weren't even going out that long.

But it will ease; as RedXIV said, keep yourself distracted and keep your mind occupied, and go out with friends.....and best of luck.

Nevyn

need2chill wrote: »

My boyfriend broke up with me, and needless to say, I'm totally devastated. I can't eat, sleep, work, smoke or anything without being a total mess. But I guess that's a seperate issue in itself.

I need to find ways to calm down though - I'm totally grieving for someone who is alive and well, and who I still get on very well with, but when I try to sleep I can't stop crying, wailing or whatever - I just get so angry and want to scream and punch something. When I try to calm myself down I just end up worse.

Have you any tips for me to calm down and get through this? I know it'll take time and all that, but I don't know how much more I can take.

TIA.

Why not go to your dr and see if he can prescribe something for you if needs be or have a look at rescue remedy or Kalms.

axer

need2chill wrote: »

My boyfriend broke up with me, and needless to say, I'm totally devastated. I can't eat, sleep, work, smoke or anything without being a total mess. But I guess that's a seperate issue in itself.

I need to find ways to calm down though - I'm totally grieving for someone who is alive and well, and who I still get on very well with, but when I try to sleep I can't stop crying, wailing or whatever - I just get so angry and want to scream and punch something. When I try to calm myself down I just end up worse.

Have you any tips for me to calm down and get through this? I know it'll take time and all that, but I don't know how much more I can take.

TIA.

A psychologist can perform progressive relaxation therapy on you to help you relax. The girlfriend (a psychologist) performs the therapy on people stressed out/distressed (like you) the whole time and apparently it works very well. You could actually just do the therapy yourself - its not hard to do. It is really good as it works through your whole body piece by piece relaxing every inch. See an explanation on wikipedia.

As well as the relaxation you definitely need to direct your anger/energy at something otherwise it just builds up. Like was said earlier, start walking or take up a sport or go to the gym. This will not just give you something to focus on (and keep you occupied) but will also tire you out putting you in a position where you are too tired to think.

You know it will take time so the only thing you can do is try and focus on some other things while that "time" passes. It is not easy but you have no choice but to motor through it.

P.S. Stay completely away from your ex-boyfriend i.e. do not be tempted by the urge to make contact or be friends until you are 1000% sure you are over him - im talking about at least a year+ without seeing him if possible otherwise you will be just prolonging the pain.

Good luck!

turbot

Tia (your name?)

Drink loads of water - this will help you emotionally detox.

Download some binaural mp3's - these are encoded with sound waves that change your state of mind.

Spend time in nature... ground yourself.

Put salt + aromatherapy oils into the bath ... some people say this pulls heavy emotions out of your aura. Water definitely helps, so swimming, etc may be calming.

Look at your lifestyle. If your emotional states mean you haven't been eating properly or exercising, changing those factors may give you some releif. Multiple forms of relief can stack up.

Remember, just like night becomes day, it will pass.

Doing a detox is probably a good idea.

wishing you well!!!

LegacyUser

turbot wrote: »

Tia (your name?)

TIA - Thanks in advance


Thanks all for your help. I spent loads of time with a friend yesterday and that was good. He made me eat something, and made sure I wasn't going to turn into an alcoholic! I'm planning things for the weekend too, and going to see family.

Liam Byrne wrote:

When did ye break up, and how long were ye going out for ? Is it definitely over, or is there a way to fix it and make up ?

We broke up at the weekend, after a year together. He called it off - I think he has depression and he's going through a very bad patch at the mo. He says its for good - I'm not sure. We're still totally mad about each other, which is the killer.

axer wrote:

P.S. Stay completely away from your ex-boyfriend i.e. do not be tempted by the urge to make contact or be friends until you are 1000% sure you are over him - im talking about at least a year+ without seeing him if possible otherwise you will be just prolonging the pain.

I've been talking to him a lot, went to visit yesterday - he's the only person that is really helping me through this, despite him being the cause of it. He's still my best friend. I know what you say is totally true, and would agree with you if it didn't involve me! This is the most effed up situation ever.

dudara

need2chill wrote: »

I've been talking to him a lot, went to visit yesterday - he's the only person that is really helping me through this, despite him being the cause of it. He's still my best friend. I know what you say is totally true, and would agree with you if it didn't involve me! This is the most effed up situation ever.

This is not good. How are you going to let yourself heal and move on if you keep bringing him into your life. As another poster said, you need to sever all contact for a while.

Wibbs

dudara wrote: »

This is not good. How are you going to let yourself heal and move on if you keep bringing him into your life. As another poster said, you need to sever all contact for a while.

Agreed and if you want a reason to help sweeten the pill of not being around him, think of it this way; the more you're around him, the more it'll reinforce in his head that he was right to leave the relationship. Sounds mad but it's not. Now when he's drunk or lonely and you're around he may try it on and snog you etc, but it won't be the relationship coming back. It'll be a momentary thing and even if it does kick off again it'll fail for exactly the same reasons as those reasons haven't changed. Break contact for youreslf to heal and move on and to find out what you want and need from life. It will have the bonus that if there's any real love between you then letting him miss you will help.

dellas1979

Listen now, if you continue to be around this guy, you are only prolonging your suffering. I know at the moment you are confused and maybe even hopeful that he will get back with you. But you need to stand back a little. Honestly what you are doing is not healthy.

You need to get into a state of mind where you think "he is not coming back, so I need to get him out of my system and slowly move on". Seriously, you are not the only person in the world to have thought they were going mad after a break-up. You need to eat, once you eat, you shower, once you shower, you do something. And so on, so forth. You get into another rythm. Noone says its going to be easy, but still hanging out with the guy is beyond the wrong thing to do.

LegacyUser

what you have all said makes total sense and it has just clicked with me.I know I am stronger than this, and I think I need to prove this to myself. I'm looking into moving house, changing job (in same company) and generally just getting a bit of a clean start. If he wants me back, then we can talk about it, but I do need to look into a life without him beside me 24/7. Whats good is that I hope we can always be great friends.

I think I'll need to read over this every day and remember it!

Marksie

need2chill wrote: »

I think I'll need to read over this every day and remember it!

No you need to read over it and recognise its true .

That sometimes no matter how much you loved someone, removing them from your life completely is better for both.

It helps to clarify issues and can lead to some vision of where things should go

How Strange

I agree with the other posters - stay away from your ex. You will never sort yourself out if you continue to be in contact. I saw it with a friend of mine who stayed friends with an ex. It took her years to get over him as a result. One small little incident will put you back to step one because you are too closely involved.

Someone mentioned nature as a way to calm yourself down. This is a great suggestion. As bizarre as it sound - hug a tree. Go to the beach and sit, watch and listen to the waves. Get some fresh air every day and notice how the buds on the trees develop over the next few weeks.

Wibbs

Good on you. It'll be hard at first but it will be doable. One thing I would say and I can't stress this enough as it's one of the big mistakes people make... Put the idea that you'll remain great friends out of your head at least for the foreseeable future. The idea will do neither of you any good and will prolong the moving on for you both. When you have both moved on and have found yourselves and found others can you be friends. At that stage you may not want to be, or you may end up with each other. Stranger things have happened. I know a couple that were apart for 8 yrs that are with each other, better than ever.

I agree with How Strange. Oul nature is a good healer. Hugging a tree may sound mad but it does work. The older the tree the better. I'm not one for all that stuff but I must say that does work. Jesus I'm a hippie. Kill me now.

Marksie

Wibbs wrote: »

I know a couple that were apart for 8 yrs that are with each other, better than ever.

Ahh wibbs, i avoided saying that in my post there as it may lead to a false sense of hope (you know: well maybe this will happen if i do this). Better to just roll with each day and let things happen as they should do.

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree with How Strange. Oul nature is a good healer. Hugging a tree may sound mad but it does work. The older the tree the better. I'm not one for all that stuff but I must say that does work. Jesus I'm a hippie. Kill me now.

Are you getting all tantric on me there? .
I will have you converted yet lol

projectmayhem

try joining a gym.. it's a great release of energy and genuinely beneficial for your health! you'd also be meeting new people there and as a result, taking your mind off the crap that's gone on before

Nevyn

Marksie wrote: »

Ahh wibbs, i avoided saying that in my post there as it may lead to a false sense of hope (you know: well maybe this will happen if i do this). Better to just roll with each day and let things happen as they should do.

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree with How Strange. Oul nature is a good healer. Hugging a tree may sound mad but it does work. The older the tree the better. I'm not one for all that stuff but I must say that does work. Jesus I'm a hippie. Kill me now. [/QUOTE

Are you getting all tantric on me there? .
I will have you converted yet lol

oh I would say hugging a tree is more pagan then tantric personally

Wibbs

Marksie wrote: »

Ahh wibbs, i avoided saying that in my post there as it may lead to a false sense of hope (you know: well maybe this will happen if i do this).

I agree a false sense of hope is not good. Then again at this early stage I have found that there is some comfort in the idea that what's for you won't go by you. I was trying to illustrate that you never really know what's going to happen and the only thing you can be sure of is that you're the only one who can make the difference in your own life no matter what the outcome.

I will say that in the example of that couple they let each other go. They healed. They grew in themselves for themselves and they moved on. It just happened that they found each other years later. More correctly they found someone else, two people different, when they did bump into each other again. they were different people and it was a new relationship. They just happened to know each other. Both will tell you if asked that neither would have gone out with the "old" people they knew. In every case of where I know exes have gotten back together and made it work is where both have let the other go and worked on themselves, for themselves.

Better to just roll with each day and let things happen as they should do.

Agreed and work towards being the best people they can be. Letting the other go and wishing them the very best in their own endeavours is the start of that.

Are you getting all tantric on me there? .
I will have you converted yet lol

af_thefragile

Ha, when i broke up with my ex about a year ago, i was a complete mess too. I remember when i use to break down almost every freaking day. The most horrible time of my life.
But yeah, it was a long hard road out of that place for me. I did things i liked. I tried to keep myself busy. I tried to stay out of my little room as much as i could. I joined a gym, started going there almost every day. Started taking guitar and singing lessons, working on my band, just all to keep me busy and keep my head away from my ex.
A lot didn't work, a bit worked, but its all a process you go through!

And i did end up grieving a person who was completely alive and well (infact doing pretty good!). Going to lenghts that i even pronounced her dead in my mind. Even cast a funeral which i didn't attend. The girl i was with died in a pretty tragic way, the person now who shares her image is someone else. Ther person i loved is now dead and will never come back. Which did help me in a way.

It took me about 3 months to get out of the mess i had become. A lot was by letting go of my ex and all the feelings i had for her. It took a lot of time and effort but i knew i had to completely let go of her, everything i had for her and everything related to her. Only then would i be able to move on with a new life. So there i went, i packed up all the little things i had of her, moved all the pictures into a folder on my comp and hid it in a corner where i wouldn't normally come across it (and after my recent hard disk crash, i lost all of those pics... which i think was a good thing afterall!). I deleted her number off my phone, deleted her from my msn messenger list, deleted her from my myspace and bebo. I just wanted to get away from her and anything that could take me back to her. I even stopped listening to the music that was related to our relationship (though now i listen to it and its safe!).

So all that helped a lot. Then it was thanks to a few people who drilled sense in my head and helped me get my head back together! (i'll hafta mention wibbs here ).
So yeah, its all a process. I loved her, i hated her, i was absolutely enraged, then i tried to forgive her, i ran away from her, she came back, we tried to be friends, it didn't work out, i left, she came back again to be friends (3 times), it didn't work out, i realised it was never gonna work out (you can never be friends with someone from whom you feel for more than just friends). So it took a while, it was a process, i lerned immensely from it all. I wouldn't be the person i am right now if that it happen. It was for the good, it was for the bad, but i think good mostly or atleast i like to keep it that way!

So i did manage to get out of it all, though i sometimes fell i haven't completely gotten over it, but i'm atleast above it for most now. And it takes a lot of effort and initiatives to let go. You'll hafta let go of everything. Every memory, every feeling, every emotion attacted to the person. Its not easy, i didn't say it was easy, but it needs to be done atleast for the temporary moment. Realising your own worth, knowing you are what you are and regain your confidence and self esteem (very very important, actually most important!).

And don't get into a relationship just to "bounce back" or thinking it'll help you get over your ex. It'll do you more harm than good and it'll be really unfair for the person you're in relationship with. So no matter how hard it feels, you'll need to get over your ex and get yourself back up before you get into any other relationship.
And trust me, after a while you'll start enjoying the experience of being single and free again!

So good luck with it!
Its gonna be hard, its gonna take time, but everyone goes through it, its a process and trust me, you'll learn a lot from it and you'll be fine soon!