Feelings of guilt - Sorta

LegacyUser

hi

just looking for all your opinions on this weird situation i have found myself in.


first of all I am a single 25 year old guy, and have been for the last year or so. About 6 months ago, i made contact with an old friend i used to hang out with when i was young. She was always friendly to me back then, but we didnt spend alot of time together really.

This time around, it turns out she is quite the horndawg(!). As soon as I made contact with her (i initiated contact through finding her on bebo!), I would find myself talking for hours with her some nights on messenger or whatever....and sex was usually the top of the topiclist! eventually we planned to meet up (she lives in a different town to me). We got on great as I thought we would have, and eventually ended up in the sack!

I have slept with her 4 times now, and a feeling of guilt is starting to surface. I don't find her that attractive, but we both have high sex-drives and agree to relieve each other when needed!!! On every occasion so far, the sex has been so great.

She has told me that she has developed feelings for me, and hoped that I felt the same. To be honest, I don't any feelings whatsoever for her. This is where you guys come in...

I'm just interested to hear what you think of this. Was I totally wrong making first contact just because i dont fancy her? Or was I wrong to agree to hook up to sh%g for a few hours on occasion. The last thing I want is to upset her, but I'm thinking that, if her "middle of the night" calls dont stop, I might have to put my foot down for once.

thanks everyone !

Beruthiel

guiltyman101 wrote: »

She has told me that she has developed feelings for me, and hoped that I felt the same. To be honest, I don't any feelings whatsoever for her.

You need to finish with her asap. The more contact you have with her the worse she's going to feel afterwards.

aye

you know what to do.
if she has developed feelings that you dont have then you should end it.

Overheal

You have to let her go if thats really the case.

sharkie2008

you need to be honest with her, if shes got feelings for you you need to tell her they aren't reciprocated

star-pants

guiltyman101 wrote: »

I don't find her that attractive, but we both have high sex-drives and agree to relieve each other when needed!!!

guiltyman101 wrote: »

She has told me that she has developed feelings for me, and hoped that I felt the same. To be honest, I don't any feelings whatsoever for her.

If it was agreed that it was 'casual sex' that bits ok but you just said yourself, you're not attracted to her and she has now developed feelings for you. Go any further and that's not fair.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies....
i think i know myself somehow that i need to stop this messing with her. It's just that the physical thing is soooo good.

Regarding my feelings towards her, she has asked me before if id ever considered having a thing with her, I told her that I'm not interested, and that I'm done with relationships or anything like that for a good while, after my last one!
i told her that I liked her and I thought she was great, but I also clarified that im not into her like that. A few times she has called me up crying down the phone saying that noone likes her etc etc..so I'm aware of that side of her, so i have to be very sensitive with her feelings. The last thing I want is for her to turn around and tell me to pi$$ off.

but just to clarify, we have had that conversation about her liking me and me letting her know that I'm not interested..just the physical thing...I'm not sure though if she can do that in her current headspace

JDLK

You have nothing to feel guilty about up to now, ie you're both adults and knew what the story was. Now that she has expressed her feelings for you that changes the situation- if you keep bedding her from here on while knowing that the feelings are not reciprocated then you should feel guilty.

Looks like its run its course, Id finish it- you lose out on casual sex and she learns a lesson about casual sex- its not nice but its life. Be careful about repeating this arrangement with someone else though- you may find yourself on the other side of the coin

Wibbs

Yea let her go. The sex thing is all fine if both know where they stand. That's harder than it appears though as you have found out. Put yourself in her shoes and you know yourself what a head wreck it would be for you.

It's hard to get out of without causing upset so be prepared for that. Just saying that you don't want a relationship won't really cut it. For a start she'll say OK lets keep having the nookie. Probably to hope you'll "come around" or if you're lucky she'll see it as an excuse, as I suspect if you met the woman of your dreams tomorrow the idea of not having a relationship wouldn't come up. Short sharp shock time I think. Just say to her that you think you should stop the sex as it may end up wrecking both your heads and that wouldn't be good for either of you. You have the advantage of physical distance anyway. Good luck.

MIN2511

Women can be emotionally unstable, myself included. Ye are friends with benefits, but now she wants more than that. She’s getting confused and taking things a step too far by asking if you have feelings. I would use myself as an example
A guy in college, known him for years he had a massive crush on me when I was in a relationship…. I didn’t fancy him but got along well with his sister. Last year, I was bored got his number off mutual friends and texted him… we texted a lot, told him I wasn’t really attracted to him but wanted casual sex… happened a few times and then he started asking if that was all I wanted from him… he tried to kiss me in public and I was angry… anyways long story short I deleted his number, don’t reply his texts or pick his calls… much easier said than done…
So my advice is run before you are stuck in a rut!

aye

MIN2511 wrote: »

… he tried to kiss me in public and I was angry… anyways long story short I deleted his number, don’t reply his texts or pick his calls… much easier said than done…
So my advice is run before you are stuck in a rut!

don't do this, actually say it to her.
not answering calls and text without explanation isn't fair.

JDLK

MIN2511 wrote: »

Women can be emotionally unstable, myself included. Ye are friends with benefits, but now she wants more than that. She’s getting confused and taking things a step too far by asking if you have feelings. I would use myself as an example
A guy in college, known him for years he had a massive crush on me when I was in a relationship…. I didn’t fancy him but got along well with his sister. Last year, I was bored got his number off mutual friends and texted him… we texted a lot, told him I wasn’t really attracted to him but wanted casual sex… happened a few times and then he started asking if that was all I wanted from him… he tried to kiss me in public and I was angry… anyways long story short I deleted his number, don’t reply his texts or pick his calls… much easier said than done…
So my advice is run before you are stuck in a rut!

This is the definition of taking advantage of someone,abusing their feelings and punishing them for what you did- do not let yourself end up like this sad excuse of a person

MIN2511

JDLK wrote: »

This is the definition of taking advantage of someone,abusing their feelings and punishing them for what you did- do not let yourself end up like this sad excuse of a person

We had an understanding, the crush was 5yrs ago. I explained things to him and he was totally fine with it... Especially as i talk to his siblings... I thought we could handle it, he expected more. I had to cut him off! He kept calling at ridiculous hours asking me why it couldn't go further...
I wasn't mean, i thought we defined it from the start.

starlight07

Shes developed feelings for you so you need to end the sessions, regardless of how good they are. It would only end up gettin messy and she would end up hurt otherwise. Youve explained to her that you dont have feelings for her so fair play for doing that, just dont sleep with her again, no matter how tempted ye are!!

SarahSassy

You have done nothing wrong so far... It was mutual... As other posters have said, the situation has changed and you need to finish the fling with her now.. It would only be leading her on if you keep sleeping with her and have no interest in her.

LegacyUser

hi
i really am listening to what you are all saying...i guess its pretty obvious what i need to do. im just afraid that she'll be thinking im giving her the cold shoulder (which is exactly what id be doing, right!!??), and freak out and get upset....maybe she won't either!

whats stopping me ignoring her, is that i think shes a great person that has self esteem problems...she liked to tell me stories about guys she had met and how they droppped her like a hot potato after a while...she was engaged once upon a time ffs!!!..and then i gotta have a strict stern word with her, basically telling her to p!$$ off!

hopefully she likes me enough right now to respect my descision and see where im coming from..fingers crossed, eh!?? EHH!!?????

RedXIV

I've seen this happen with two mates of mine over a year ago and they are still at it. and the idea of going further than casual sex has been brought up and this causes the guy to scarper. he then gets a text to come over just for sex and wham, same cycle all over again. get out of this now or end up trapped in limbo like my friends.

Sherifu

RedXIV wrote: »

I've seen this happen with two mates of mine over a year ago and they are still at it. and the idea of going further than casual sex has been brought up and this causes the guy to scarper. he then gets a text to come over just for sex and wham, same cycle all over again. get out of this now or end up trapped in limbo like my friends.

That kind of situation is a headwrecker. Hope you can stay friends with her OP.

_blank_

guiltyman1011 wrote: »

The last thing I want is for her to turn around and tell me to pi$$ off.

Because in the back of your mind you know that if you are that blunt with her, then there will be no more sex.

Wibbs

Sherifu wrote: »

That kind of situation is a headwrecker. Hope you can stay friends with her OP.

At the moment he shouldn't even try.

DesF wrote:

Because in the back of your mind you know that if you are that blunt with her, then there will be no more sex.

I'd say there's a big element of that alright.

guiltyguy1101 wrote:

i really am listening to what you are all saying...

Don't just take our word for it, though you know already what the right thing to do is. The question remains are you up to the task? .

im just afraid that she'll be thinking im giving her the cold shoulder (which is exactly what id be doing, right!!??), and freak out and get upset....

That's the risk you took when you started this. The fact is there are times when you have to take responsibility for your actions. OK so it turned out to be a mistake. Shít happens, so now you have to deal with it. Part and parcel of that is while you should minimise her upset you also have to face the fact that she will probably be upset.

maybe she won't either!

Maybe.

whats stopping me ignoring her, is that i think shes a great person that has self esteem problems...she liked to tell me stories about guys she had met and how they droppped her like a hot potato after a while...she was engaged once upon a time ffs!!!..and then i gotta have a strict stern word with her, basically telling her to p!$$ off!

So you knew all that and still got into this situation? Not a good plan for future reference. It's a sliding scale but putting someone in this position knowing that she has issues is to be avoided for your sake as well as hers.

hopefully she likes me enough right now to respect my descision and see where im coming from..fingers crossed, eh!?? EHH!!?????

Tell her it can't go on. Explain that you respect her, but the feelings that are starting to bubble up will complicate both your lives and you don't want that. Tell her she deserves a man who can return those feelings, but you aint him. Then and this is the important bit, don't knob her again. No matter what. It's time to use your balls previously occupied in the bedroom in a different way and stick to your guns.

Miss Fluff

Sherifu wrote: »

That kind of situation is a headwrecker. Hope you can stay friends with her OP.

Why would he stay friends with her? It will wreck her head even further. Just be honest with her OP. If she can't stand the heat she must get out of the kitchen as it were, just be fair to her and tell her it's not reciprocated (firmly but kindly!) Don't let it drag on any longer and don't ffs go back for one last shag either:rolleyes:

craichoe

Stop now or she WILL go psycho, sounds like a bunny boiler to me.

LegacyUser

thanks again for the feedback.

id agree that she needs to be told whats goin on in my head, and that i should keep my tiger in its cage for the time being!
i think she knew all along it was only a bit of very casual fun, so she shouldnt be that surprised when i pull the plug on it.. hey...who knows...maybe she has half a dozen guys calling over for a bit of cricket in the afternoon!