Is this the end??

sam0626

Really need some advice is possible...

I think my boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up and just dont know what to do...

We've been together for 3 and a half years and most of the time we've had a great relationship...he's been through a lot in this time and has leaned on me a lot which I have only been too happy to oblige...

Anyways this time last year we went on a 'break' because he said I was smothering him and he just wanted some time to himself...this went on for a month and at the end of it we came out a stronger happier couple...

Everything was fine until just after Christmas when he became really distant with me and as a result I probably smothered him a bit coz I stupidly thought by doing so it would bring us closer..

Things came to a head last week when we sat down and talked and came to the conclusion that neither of us were happy - me not happy with him for not making an effort with me and him not happy with me for smothering him...

We never really have rowed in all our time together and I think that thats maybe part of the problem - i didnt wanna give out coz I didnt want to rock the boat - silly I know now....it got to the stage where the relationship was completely one sided and I was giving my all without getting zilch back...

We decided to go on another break but I met up with him there on Sunday and we talked like never before...

Basically he's depressed with his life and doesnt know what he wants...we both agreed we loved each other but dont know if things have gone too far for us to go back to the way we were...

I admit to smothering him but now i'm thinking of it I feel the only reason why I did it was coz I was desperately trying to keep hold of something I was afraid I was losing....he admits he was wrong too by not telling me how he was feeling...he feels that if he did then I would know where I stood with him and by doing so not smother him the way I was...

I'm not sure what I want anymore either...I want him but not the way he is now...

We agreed to give each other space to see how we feel and meet up again at the end of the month but I dunno if thats going to change things...

I just dont know if this is the end or if we can get through this?!

I love him and he loves me so why cant it be all that matters??

HELP!!

free2fly

OP, I am going to give you a bit of advice that I learned the hard way. If neither of you are happy then you should end the relationship now. Love does not conquer all no matter what you've heard.

You both deserve a chance to be happy. Don't drag this out. You will only be hurting yourself and each other. And know this OP, you are the only one who can make yourself happy. He can't make you happy and you can't make him happy. I know that it's very difficult to leave such a long term relationship. I'm sure that you're very comfortable with him. But no relationship will work without happiness. And you have admitted that you may not even want to get back with him.

Do yourself a favor and let him go.

Dragan

sam0626 wrote: »

I love him and he loves me so why cant it be all that matters??

HELP!!

"All you need is love is a lie,
we had love but we still said goodbye"

It happens OP. It gets to a point where you need to look at your relationship and decide if it is healthy. One filled with uncertainty and anquish is not.

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, unfortunately the fact of the matter is that more often than not you still love the person eventhough you know breaking up is the best thing for both of you. It sounds to be like its over and believe me, spending forever on trying to constantly resuscitate something that is dead is heart-breaking and damaging for you as a person. Let it go. It will be hard but it is far harder wasting your life in a relationship that isn't right for either of you. Take the bull by the horns and do it once and for all. LET HIM GO. You will find it really tough but will feel a million times better and can get on with your life once and for all.

chuci

this can end on good or bad terms. if you end it now im sure the two of you will be happy and it will be an amicable break up. but if ye decide to get back together and drag the ar$e out of it then one of you will end up getting hurt more than likely you because you you seem the more emotionally open one. let himself go sort him out and be happy in himself sure if its meant to be its meant to be. good luck with your decision

sam0626

I knew these were the kind of replies i'd get!!!

My gut is telling me I have to let go but I love him so much!!! We've been through so much together that I feel it will all just have been a waste!

I believe he is my soulmate but I do think that we both need time apart to grow and cliche as it sounds 'find ourselves'.....

We just got caught up in routine and by the time we opened our eyes and realised it I think we both realised its too late....

Show_me_Safety

sam0626 wrote: »

I knew these were the kind of replies i'd get!!!

My gut is telling me I have to let go but I love him so much!!! We've been through so much together that I feel it will all just have been a waste!

I believe he is my soulmate but I do think that we both need time apart to grow and cliche as it sounds 'find ourselves'.....

We just got caught up in routine and by the time we opened our eyes and realised it I think we both realised its too late....

you only get one soulmate...

sam0626

Show_me_Safety wrote: »

you only get one soulmate...

Exactly...and I believe he's mine...so what do I do?!!!

Miss Fluff

Show_me_Safety wrote: »

you only get one soulmate...

No you don't. You can have a few great loves imo, it's just some come along at the wrong time or due to other circumstances it can fizzle out.

sam0626

Miss Fluff wrote: »

No you don't. You can have a few great loves imo, it's just some come along at the wrong time or due to other circumstances it can fizzle out.

Thats exactly what I think has happened....its fizzled out...

I'm so confused right now...i'm sick of feeling anxious all the time about us and what we're going to do when deep down I already know what I should do...

He's not sure about us either anymore himself...we both feel the same way...we dont want to break up but we're not sure if we can go back....

Why cant things just be plain and simple!

Dragan

sam0626 wrote: »

Why cant things just be plain and simple!

Because then life would be boring and relationships wouldn't be exciting.

I know it sucks, but this whole break thing needs to be on your terms.

He's not treating you right and he's not doing the right thing either.

Aurora Borealis

You do know what to do by the sounds of it. If he is your soulmate then maybe you will find each other again once that is you've found yourselves again. I know you probably don't want to acccept it but you need to get out there and be young free and single again and just enjoy being you and not part of a couple for a while because you can't continue as you are or you'll lose your mind. Who knows what the future may bring you both. Maybe the time you take now to find yourselves will bring you together further down the line happier than before or maybe it'll help you realise there is someone more suited to you who you can love without constant upheaval.

You're in a cycle now that brings out completely opposing sides in you both. Been there, done that and it's rotten. I reacted like you and clung like mad like a Mum clinging onto her baby. I did not want to let go for exactly the same reasons you mention here. He's my soulmate etc.. and he reacted same way as your fella is. Felt smothered and withdrew from the relationship. Once you hit that cycle it’s very shaky ground IMO because both reactions are like an equal and opposing force and so exacerbate the other. You can’t change the way you both react, nor can either reaction be commended or condemned. They’re just different but unfortunately in the case of your relationship it’s bringing you in different directions and causing great distress. Letting go of what you had seems to me to be your only option here. I’m not saying this guy is not your Soulmate and maybe months or years down the line you’ll find yourselves on the same path again but for now what matters is breaking the soul destroying cycle you’re in if you care for either of you at all.

I still miss my ex terribly and still wonder if I’ll ever feel that way about someone again but I’m grateful now he made the decision he made for the two of us because we’re both better than the horrible cycle we were dragging ourselves through and I value his and my own happiness more.

sam0626

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

You do know what to do by the sounds of it. If he is your soulmate then maybe you will find each other again once that is you've found yourselves again. I know you probably don't want to acccept it but you need to get out there and be young free and single again and just enjoy being you and not part of a couple for a while because you can't continue as you are or you'll lose your mind. Who knows what the future may bring you both. Maybe the time you take now to find yourselves will bring you together further down the line happier than before or maybe it'll help you realise there is someone more suited to you who you can love without constant upheaval.

You're in a cycle now that brings out completely opposing sides in you both. Been there, done that and it's rotten. I reacted like you and clung like mad like a Mum clinging onto her baby. I did not want to let go for exactly the same reasons you mention here. He's my soulmate etc.. and he reacted same way as your fella is. Felt smothered and withdrew from the relationship. Once you hit that cycle it’s very shaky ground IMO because both reactions are like an equal and opposing force and so exacerbate the other. You can’t change the way you both react, nor can either reaction be commended or condemned. They’re just different but unfortunately in the case of your relationship it’s bringing you in different directions and causing great distress. Letting go of what you had seems to me to be your only option here. I’m not saying this guy is not your Soulmate and maybe months or years down the line you’ll find yourselves on the same path again but for now what matters is breaking the soul destroying cycle you’re in if you care for either of you at all.

I still miss my ex terribly and still wonder if I’ll ever feel that way about someone again but I’m grateful now he made the decision he made for the two of us because we’re both better than the horrible cycle we were dragging ourselves through and I value his and my own happiness more.

I agree with 100% of what you have to say!! It makes so much sense!!!

The way u say u still miss ur ex terribly though? I dont want to feel like that!! I dont want to always have to be wondering what if and the like..it would kill me! Sorry if i'm sounding dramatic..its just the way i'm feeling right now...

RubyXI

OP, if you work it out, let me know!! I'm in a very similar situation and its very head wrecking. I've tried discussing it on here but a rude poster told me no-one wants to hear my problems anymore so I gave up posting about my personal stuff.:(

sam0626

phi3 wrote: »

OP, if you work it out, let me know!! I'm in a very similar situation and its very head wrecking. I've tried discussing it on here but a rude poster told me no-one wants to hear my problems anymore so I gave up posting about my personal stuff.:(

PM me

Aurora Borealis

Yeah I do and that's normal I think when you really loved someone. Doesn't mean it was anymore right for us to be robbing each other of potential happiness when we were in it though.

Take some time for yourself. It really does sound like you need it.

sam0626

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

Yeah I do and that's normal I think when you really loved someone. Doesn't mean it was anymore right for us to be robbing each other of potential happiness when we were in it though.

Take some time for yourself. It really does sound like you need it.

Oh I do...definitely..

I think i'm just gonna leave it til the end of the month like we agreed then see what happens...that way if we do officially split..we can both walk away and say we tried?

I know its probably just prolonging the agony though...

Wibbs

Show_me_Safety wrote: »

you only get one soulmate...

When you're in it, it can seem that way, but I'm not so sure. I think we may have soulmates, but they may not be for life. They may be there for you at a time when you need them. Even if the lesson is painful. I had an ex, waaaaay back in the day, who was not the healthiest emotionally, but she taught me a lot about myself and life in general. I consider her one of my soulmates and I was or her too. She was better when she left me than when she met me. Same goes for me too. I've had a couple of exes like that. Would we be right for each other now? I really doubt it. Life's a funny old thing. That said I might bump into one of those women in the future and BAM! back in love. You never know. I know a few couples who were apart for up to 8 years. If there's growth and enough of a gap, sequels can be like the Godfather, better than the original.

phi3 wrote:

OP, if you work it out, let me know!! I'm in a very similar situation and its very head wrecking. I've tried discussing it on here but a rude poster told me no-one wants to hear my problems anymore so I gave up posting about my personal stuff.

Sod that. If there weren't people with problems PI wouldn't exist. OK you may get opposing opinions but....

estar

hi

i think this soulmates idea and there only being one, is a little narrow
in view. every time ive been in love with someone ive thought they
were my soulmate, even when they have made me desperately unhappy
hanging onto someone because of history can only sustain so long.
in this case if hes miserable and you are miserable and you both
tried to fix it and are young, then its time to be apart and grow on your
own.

the reality is now that ive met someone that makes me happier than
my last soul mate i now think ive met my soulmate!!!

short term pain for long term gain, if hes unwilling to fix it, and
issues of his own, he should sort them out alone and stand on his
own two feet

RedXIV

I've been in this situation before, where you don't know why you should keep a relationship alive but you can't possibly imagine living without your other half. And I got dropped eventually, for trying to keep it going

At the time it was horrible, i was determined to keep my feelings to myself and force myself to be happy but on the inside it was terrible. But then i found another girl and this happened again!

What i'm trying to say (in a long winded way) is that it may feel bad when you break up with this guy, there has been alot of history but all it takes is another love interest and you're going to feel great again!