Someone to Talk to

LegacyUser

I started to post a pretty short question about why I have so much anger and frustration boiling inside me at times. This lead me to talking about my life up to now. It was starting to get so long I decided not to bother.
I really can't expect people on this forum to help me too much. There are some really intelligent people who post here, and some are extremely insightful. But I think I need a more to and fro experience. I think I need therapy. I have thought about this before, but never went and did anything about it.

I'm not depressed, I'm not unhappy per say. I actually have quite a decent lifestyle. I have some great close buddies. I have a great nights out with friends. I have a decent job with good career prospects. I don't have love, which I am sorely missing, and haven't had any meaningful relationship since my first one ended 10 years ago.
But there are things in my life I don't like. There are things about myself that I don't like. My main issue is that I am a problem seer, not a problem solver. I have a need to talk things out, but don't have anyone to do that with when it comes to personal personal things.
What is the best thing to do in this situation? Are therapists qualified to deal with minor off the cuff ramblings of a slightly mad man, or perhaps they're overqualified?
I am sure that 80% of people in my position wouldn't even notice anything was wrong, and 90% of those that did wouldn't be seeking therapy as an option to do something about it.
Maybe I should just post my life story up here... and hope nobody that knows me too well reads it. Or split it out into a few different questions..... dunno really.

What do ye reckon?

Oryx

I reckon if you feel you want to talk to a therapist, talk to a therapist. Even if its one visit, to make you feel like you dont actually need it. Just find one and go, see what its about. You wont be wasting their time, honestly.

Other than that, dont be afraid to be a little more honest with the people around you. Im not saying you should lay all your issues on your friends, but chance being a bit more open with them. You might be surprised at how open they will be in return, and that sharing, even on a pretty light level, can help immensely with how you are feeling.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

It's the defeatist attitude that strikes me. You don't expect to find a solution, so you don't. The brain accepts the messgaes as 'don't bother looking' and doesn't try.

Ok,you defined a problem. Now find solutions. Instead of telling yourself that they won't work, tell yourself WHY you think they don't work. Chances are, you're going to struggle to find reasons.

djk1000

Go to your GP and tell him what you have written above, ask him for a referral. GP's can refer you to the right kind of support, whether it is a councellor a Phsycologist or a Phsyciatrist or something elso in between.

LegacyUser

KtK wrote: »

I reckon if you feel you want to talk to a therapist, talk to a therapist. Even if its one visit, to make you feel like you dont actually need it. Just find one and go, see what its about. You wont be wasting their time, honestly.

Other than that, dont be afraid to be a little more honest with the people around you. Im not saying you should lay all your issues on your friends, but chance being a bit more open with them. You might be surprised at how open they will be in return, and that sharing, even on a pretty light level, can help immensely with how you are feeling.

I don't mean to sound patronizing, but I just don’t think my friends are the right people to talk to. It’s not that they’re un-intelligent, but I don’t think they would see things in the same way as me. I am probably on a higher level to them psychologically…. I don’t think they’d grasp the issues on the whole.
I have certainly spoken with my close friends about individual problems I’ve had over the years, but the not the overall picture.
But I think you’re right…. If I feel the need to talk to a therapist, then go talk to a therapist…. Can’t do too much harm anyway.

Ikky Poo 2 wrote:

It's the defeatist attitude that strikes me. You don't expect to find a solution, so you don't. The brain accepts the messgaes as 'don't bother looking' and doesn't try.

Ok,you defined a problem. Now find solutions. Instead of telling yourself that they won't work, tell yourself WHY you think they don't work. Chances are, you're going to struggle to find reasons.

Funny you mention that, because that seems to be one of the underlining problems. The defeatist attitude. It’s something I have attempted to work on myself, but to no avail.
In saying that, I am far more confident now as I was 3 or 4 years ago…. But still not half as confident as I was when I was in my late teens/early twenties.

djk1000 wrote:

Go to your GP and tell him what you have written above, ask him for a referral. GP's can refer you to the right kind of support, whether it is a councellor a Phsycologist or a Phsyciatrist or something elso in between.

Wow, you just reminded me of something. A few years ago, when I was struggling the most, I did actually ask my GP about it. He gave me a name/number, but I never contacted her. I’ve no idea where that name is now. I remember putting it away somewhere at home. Must have a look.



I guess my biggest problem about going to a therapist is that I get a feeling that it will be difficult for me to find one that I feel I can talk to. Connect with. Perhaps I’m wrong.

I went to a career counsellor recently. The first one or two sessions were good, but all of a sudden I just felt there was no way he could help me.
The reason for this is that the first two sessions were all about identifying the nature of me, with regards my career. What are my positives / negatives and how can they be used in the business I’m in. I found this enjoyable (because I enjoyed the challenge as well as the process), but we soon got on each others nerves.
Me on his because I always over concentrated on the negatives rather than the positives… and I was constantly questioning and probing the reasons for what he was doing/saying.
Him on mine, because I really didn’t feel he knew too much about what he was doing.
I have an annoying (to others) habit of questioning. It really bugs the crap out of me when someone attempts to teach and change people’s lives without really understanding what they’re doing and why.
He was just repeating what someone thought him to do. I could see that I had more of an understanding of what he was up to than him. This led to me manipulating and controlling the session. At one point he just said, “hey, I’m the professional here” I knew it was pointless from then on.


Lol, another rambling post.
Anyway, so does anyone have an idea how to go about finding a therapist that would suit you. I might just ring my GP and get a name from him again. But does anyone out there actually know a good one, or has been to a good one, in the Cork vicinity? PM me if you do.

Drift

Hey OP I don't mean to sound harsh but you seem to have a bit of a superior attitude. You seem think of yourself as better than everyone else. You may indeed be more intelligent but that doesn't necessarily mean you know more about the situation at hand.

Take your friends for example; everyone's life experience is different and in the long run you'll find experience trumps theoretical intelligence every time. What I mean by this is; so what if your friends don't see things from your point of view, the very fact that they will have a different point of view about things is why you should be going to them for advice. However, if you're starting off with the "what would he know" attitude then you're not open to different ways of looking at things that your friend may have which is the reason you asked his advice in the first place!!

Similarly with the Career Guidance counsellor. Yes he definitely was just repeating what other people taught him - just because he's doing that doesn't mean it's wrong. Your superiority made you think that you would be able to do a much better job than him, but just because you could be a better career guidance counsellor than him, if you trained to do it, doesn't make him any worse at his job. (For example if you trained your body day and night for years you could be a better boxer than Mike Tyson especially in his current state, that doesn't mean he couldn't beat the living **** out of you right now!) So as before just because you can see how and why the guidance counsellor was trained to say what he said doesn't make it any less valid.

The most important point here is you're looking for a counsellor you can "connect" with but you won't connect with any if you start off with an attitude of superiority where the person you're discussing life with has to pass some sort of test on how you perceive their intelligence. Regardless of what counsellor you go to they'll have seen more people with problems than you have so you need to start with a bit of humility and realise that they are more experienced in this than you - even if they are less "intelligent".

MattKid

It sounds like you have a very analytical mind. Do you over think situations?

Sometimes it's just better to get on and just stop thinking and do something

biko

Although posting here can be good for some issues there is really nothing like speaking to a trained individual. I'm not sure how you find one but try the phone book for therapist, psychologist and similar. Just make sure they are certified.

LegacyUser

Drift wrote: »

Hey OP I don't mean to sound harsh........

You don’t sound harsh Drift, it’s a response I was expecting really. And it is one my problems. I am aware that I sometimes come across as having a “superior attitude” and I wish I could prevent it. But I certainly do not think I am better than everyone else. In fact, one of the main things people keep telling me is that I put myself down too much.
I see myself for what I am most of the time. I mean, many people would probably consider me an idiot. My brain works a certain way. I don’t retain facts in any manner. My memory is terrible. Watch the news today, I could barely tell you what was on it tomorrow… and I certainly couldn’t give you any details. I have absolutely shocking general knowledge. I don’t know my ass from my elbow when it comes to geography. I’m not very articulate… I could be in the middle of a sentence and get stuck. My mind would go completely blank trying to recall the suitable word. It could be something ridiculously simple. I’m not half as observant as I wish I was.
But, I am an extremely logical person. I’m a deep thinker. I have an exceptional ability to approach things analytically.

I have about three close friends. I have spoken to each one of these on different matters throughout my life. Most times I figured out myself who would be best suited to help me in the current situation. The decision was NOT based on the person having the same point of view as me, it was based on the person having the ability to understand the problem (via there “experience” as you put it) and understand ME well enough to be able to give advice on the matter.

Anyway, it’s a moot point. I am not going to my friends on this. It’s too much of a life thing, not a singular problem. That is a decision I’ve made.

On to your points about the councillor:
I take your point that just because he was only doing what he was taught, does not mean that it was wrong. It also doesn’t mean he was a bad teacher. But I stand by the point that it means he was not a teacher that was best suited to me. And that’s what’s important. I also never said that I would be a better counsellor. I merely said I felt I would understand it better.
We humans are complex. We have an innate ability to lie. I don’t mean downright lies… but bending the truth. We manipulate without even knowing it. We manipulate into our way of thinking. We want people to say what we want to hear. This becomes extremely prevalent in something like Counselling. And when I can manipulate someone relatively easily it is a problem. It is a subconscious thing, and it’s only afterwards when you think about it that you realise what you were doing. This was the problem I had; I needed someone who could read between the lines of a complex person.

Note: I actually now believe that I went to this Career Counsellor for the wrong reasons. i.e. I was looking for something he could not provide. This is why I am now considering a therapist. If I can find one.

MattKid wrote: »

It sounds like you have a very analytical mind. Do you over think situations?

Sometimes it's just better to get on and just stop thinking and do something

You’re right mattkid. I do have a very analytical mind. And I do over think situations. I am vastly improved on what I used to be like. I suffered from insomnia for years. Turned to smoking dope for a long time. This eventually had very adverse effects when I realised I was becoming mentally retarded. I was drifting through life without living it. I became depressed. I lost my sex drive and literally became psychologically impotent.
I finally realised that, although I had issues before I started, smoking was gradually degrading my life to a huge degree. I quit. I still smoke occasionally / socially, but see nothing wrong with that.
Since I managed to give up, my life has improved. There are things that I no longer spend hours mulling over. I don’t suffer from insomnia any more…. although I do get the occasional bout of it.
I still over think / over analyse in general though. It makes me a very indecisive person, which bugs the crap out of me. It also bugs my friends because I point out such frivolous crap to them.

I want to change some of these traits. But it’s not such an easy thing to do. I obviously can’t literally change, but I can improve on how I handle my thoughts and go through life.


I also think that there is something else slightly wrong. I mentioned in my first post about an underlining frustration and anger. Sometimes an anger boils up in me… it’s so loud I feel like exploding. I constantly let things frustrate me, things that really shouldn’t. I’ve ended up in screaming matches with close friends due to this behaviour. I know a lot of people are like that. There is an unhappiness present, deep down. It’s so deep that you don’t really know it’s there. But it is.
This is not something that’s new to my life. It’s been there since I was young. Maybe it’s something as simple as been spoiled as a child (although I wasn’t really that spoiled). Sometimes I get the feeling that I just really expect things to be easy for me. That everything should work out nice and smooth. So when things don’t go my way, it’s bloody annoying.
I’m rambling again…....

biko wrote: »

Although posting here can be good for some issues there is really nothing like speaking to a trained individual. I'm not sure how you find one but try the phone book for therapist, psychologist and similar. Just make sure they are certified.

You're right biko. I think it does help to start nattering and get things off your chest. But I reckon it would be best to talk to a qualified person.

pauldiv

biko wrote: »

Although posting here can be good for some issues there is really nothing like speaking to a trained individual. I'm not sure how you find one but try the phone book for therapist, psychologist and similar. Just make sure they are certified.

And why must you make sure a therapist is certified?

JDLK

The longer posts can be kind of hard to sift through but I think there is a lot of genuine people on here who would take the time. No substitute for therapy of course but it always helps to talk

Redpunto

Would you say your life is pretty much about yourself? DO you have people in your life who depend on you, as in family, etc? Sometimes when we have noone else to worry about we start drawing inwards and finding faults with our own lives. Could you try some voluntary work, might bring ya back down to earth a little bit?

Villaricos

talktalktalk, of course you can go see a counsellor just for a chat, or because you want to clear out your head, thats why theyre there and they can listen in a way different to friends or family.

You dont have to be referred by a GP, check out www.irish-counselling.ie

Its the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and all you need do is ring their office in Wicklow, say where in the country you are and they can give you numbers of counsellors in your area. The IACP are the body that accredit counsellors and you can check out all the qualifications a person needs to be accreditted on that site. Couldnt be easier and good luck with it

JuliusCaesar

pauldiv wrote: »

And why must you make sure a therapist is certified?

because there's no statutory registration in this country. You have to have completed your medical studies and specialist studies to advertise yourself as a Medical Doctor or a Midwife. But any eejit is allowed put up a brass plaque saying they are a psychologist or counsellor, with no training at all or -all to common- a couople of weekend courses.

Try www.babcp.com look under Republic of Ireland or Irish Council for psychotherapy if yuo want CBT. You might want CBT because it's one of the few evidence-based therapies.

Drift

talktalktalk wrote: »

We humans are complex. We have an innate ability to lie. I don’t mean downright lies… but bending the truth. We manipulate without even knowing it. We manipulate into our way of thinking. We want people to say what we want to hear. This becomes extremely prevalent in something like Counselling. And when I can manipulate someone relatively easily it is a problem. It is a subconscious thing, and it’s only afterwards when you think about it that you realise what you were doing. This was the problem I had; I needed someone who could read between the lines of a complex person.

Hey OP I get what you're saying a bit better now. I think any cousellor worth their sort won't fall for this subconscious manipulation. Cousellors (I presume) are trained not to just tell you what you want to hear so any decent counsellor won't fall into this trap. All you can do is shop around if you have problems with the first one.

From reading more of what you said I tend to agree that talking to a counsellor might help you. It seems you have a good deal of internal conflict going on, especially with regards to your self image. I don't know much about counsellors qualifications but I assume there is some sort of professiona affiliation or chartership body similar to most other professions so the above advice sounds good. Good luck with the counsellor OP and feel free to post here again also and even if you don't have more questions let us know how it goes it will help other people in the same circumstances.

LegacyUser

JDLK wrote: »

The longer posts can be kind of hard to sift through but I think there is a lot of genuine people on here who would take the time. No substitute for therapy of course but it always helps to talk

ya, sorry about that... have a tendency to ramble on.

Redpunto wrote: »

Would you say your life is pretty much about yourself? DO you have people in your life who depend on you, as in family, etc? Sometimes when we have noone else to worry about we start drawing inwards and finding faults with our own lives. Could you try some voluntary work, might bring ya back down to earth a little bit?

Well, it is and it isn't. I don't have a wife and kids if that's what you mean.
I do have close family though. And I certainly have others to worry about. My uncle recently died of lung cancer. My aunt is going through chemo at the moment for breast cancer. My brother in law has just come through chemo for hodgkins lymphoma. Got the all clear just a few weeks ago, which was some relief. I have a niece and goddaughter to think about.


Villaricos / JuliusCaesar,
Thanks for the links. I'll have a look at those later today.

Drift wrote: »

From reading more of what you said I tend to agree that talking to a counsellor might help you. It seems you have a good deal of internal conflict going on, especially with regards to your self image.

Ya, I think this is the problem. I do have internal conflicts.
e.g. Sometimes I might think of myself as a caring individual, a good friend, someone who looks out for others etc. And somehow, there are other times when I consider myself incapable of any love whatsoever. <- this isn't true, but I just feel like it sometimes.

I think the anger and frustration comes from me not really knowing myself as well as I should. Due to my mind been so analytical, I feel I should be able to figure myself out. But I can't.
I have a feeling that there is something in the back of my mind that is afraid. What if I look deep within, and don’t like what I find?