Problems with Boyfriend's Jealousy

LegacyUser

My boyfriend seems convinced that I am going to cheat on him, and it is really getting me down... He doesn't like me going out places without him there and gets really sulky when I try to tell him about my night out (I do try to invite him to things by the way, but most of the time he won't come, so it's either go without him or cancel. And I do cancel things to be with him, I've isolated myself a lot from some friends in the almost a year I've been with my boyfriend) I have never cheated on him or on anybody else so I think this is quite unfair, as I've never given him any reason to be suspicious.
Anyway we had a big fight yesterday, because he was looking through old photos I'd put on facebook and found a few he had a problem with. One of them is a picture of me and a few of my friends, and I'm kissing one of my guy friends on the cheek - this guy friend is very definitely gay, and it was just posed for the photograph, I have explained this to my boyfriend - and there's a few more where I have my arm around this guy friend and stupid things like that. My boyfriend got annoyed and sent me a snotty facebook message about my 'suspicious' photographs, and when I saw it a few hours later I rang him to talk about it. My side of things - they're just photographs, my friend is gay and therefore has no interest in me, I have no interest in him, I love my boyfriend and don't want anyone else nor have I given him any reason to suspect I might want anyone else. He's admitted he wouldn't care if it was a girl instead of a guy with me in the photos, so why a gay guy? Also it's not as if I've been hiding these photos from him, they've been on facebook for months, it's just that he's only just seen them. His side of things is it's suspicious and he doesn't know what I get up to on nights out without him etc. He knows that I kissed another gay friend about two years ago, before I was going out with him, and seems to take that as proof that something may happen. When I said they're just photographs, he said he doesn't know what might go on that I DON'T take photographs of, for all he knows I might be sleeping with my gay friend... I got fairly pissed off at that, and he hung up on me and switched off his phone. I rang his housephone and he told me that talking is not going to help, he just needs to think for a while and could I leave him alone. So I'm still waiting for him to text, I don't want to bug him. I don't know what to do, I really don't see how I can fix this. I still don't understand why he is reacting this way, or how I can make it better - what am I supposed to do, promise not to see my friend anymore? Not go out anywhere without him? MaybeI should be more careful how I pose in photos, but it's not like I was kissing him, it was just a spur of the moment pose that means NOTHING. What should I do? Last time we had a fight he barely spoke to me for a week and was weird with me for some time afterwards, I can't bear it to happen again, I was so miserable the whole time because I didn't even understand what I'd done wrong, he just decided I was annoying him. What should I do to stop it happening again?

Talliesin

frustrated wrote: »

What should I do to stop it happening again?

Dump him.

In general I'm all for saying that one should work on things and not give up easily, and yeah if he could acknowledge his problem enough to get some counselling it might help.

But really, people like this are just misery production machines. Just dump him.

Seraphina

This guy is going to moan and sulk and have problems with every aspect of your life until he has you under his thumb. He doesn't love you, he wants to control you.

Dump him now.

Seraphina

Seraphina wrote: »

This guy is going to moan and sulk and have problems with every aspect of your life until he has you under his thumb. He doesn't love you, he wants to control you.

Dump him now.

+1

Gyalist

If you know what's good for you, you'd give him his marching orders immediately. You will not have a happy future with him. You may not want to hear/or accept it but the guy has serious problems. Don't for one moment think that it's your place to help him solve them. Dump him but tell him honestly why so that at least he can be aware of the truth and choose whether or not he wants to address them.

sunnyjim

Dump him?

I disagree.

My girlfriend is like that - she gets on with everyone. Sure I get pissed off when I see pics of her like that, or whatever, I'm just better at hiding it. Maybe he feels that this 'gay' friend ain't so gay. I've seen lads swear they're homosexual, only to rescind later. Thats why I'd be pissed if I were the bloke in question - I'm always thinking that some lads act gay to get closer to the girl - hence, impinging on my other half...

sunnyjim

sunnyjim wrote: »

Dump him?

I disagree.

My girlfriend is like that - she gets on with everyone. Sure I get pissed off when I see pics of her like that, or whatever, I'm just better at hiding it. Maybe he feels that this 'gay' friend ain't so gay. I've seen lads swear they're homosexual, only to rescind later. Thats why I'd be pissed if I were the bloke in question - I'm always thinking that some lads act gay to get closer to the girl - hence, impinging on my other half...

You're forgetting that she is a presumably intelligent, thinking person too who you are supposed to be trusting. Even if there were a horde of guys who fancied her, she is with you and not them.
Or perhaps you don't trust her and think she'll run off with someone?

sunnyjim

No, I just dont like the idea of other guys getting the wrong idea. She's extremely fun and friendly. It's one of the things I love about her. Its just that some take it the wrong way.

Anyway, this isn't about me, its about the OP.

I'm only really playing devils advocate though. This guy seems to have taken an extreme reaction to this. I'd give him an ultimatum. Cop on or else.

Talliesin

Seraphina wrote: »

He doesn't love you, he wants to control you.

I hate the idea that "love conquers all".

I think it's perfectly possible that he does love her AND he wants to control her AND he's a waste of time.

Just because someone loves you and you love them doesn't mean you shouldn't dump them.

sunnyjim wrote: »

My girlfriend is like that - she gets on with everyone. Sure I get pissed off when I see pics of her like that, or whatever, I'm just better at hiding it. Maybe he feels that this 'gay' friend ain't so gay. I've seen lads swear they're homosexual, only to rescind later. Thats why I'd be pissed if I were the bloke in question - I'm always thinking that some lads act gay to get closer to the girl - hence, impinging on my other half...

There's so much wrong with this I don't even know where to begin.

Seek professional help immediately.

AnonoBoy

Tell him he needs to get his act together and get over this childish and completely unwarranted jealousy or else that 's it. And mean it. The next time he starts throwing his toys out of the pram dump him.

Seriously do. He sounds like he's got problems or else he's just an immature child who thinks that you should remain in some celibate bubble just waiting for him all the time.

nmk

frustrated wrote: »

He doesn't like me going out places without him there and gets really sulky when I try to tell him about my night out (I do try to invite him to things by the way, but most of the time he won't come, so it's either go without him or cancel. And I do cancel things to be with him, I've isolated myself a lot from some friends in the almost a year I've been with my boyfriend)

Hmmmmm, alarm bells.

My boyfriend got annoyed and sent me a snotty facebook message about my 'suspicious' photographs, and when I saw it a few hours later I rang him to talk about it.

Getting louder....

He's admitted he wouldn't care if it was a girl instead of a guy with me in the photos, so why a gay guy?

Deafening now...

When I said they're just photographs, he said he doesn't know what might go on that I DON'T take photographs of, for all he knows I might be sleeping with my gay friend

Oh please...op, it's clear that he has no trust in you or respect for you if he can throw accusations like that at you without any basis, my question is, have you got any respect for yourself to let someone talk to you like that and to have them in your life?

Maybe I should be more careful how I pose in photos, but it's not like I was kissing him, it was just a spur of the moment pose that means NOTHING. What should I do?

If it was a straight guy friend and you were kissing him on the cheek it would still be an over reaction on your bfs part.

Last time we had a fight he barely spoke to me for a week and was weird with me for some time afterwards, I can't bear it to happen again, I was so miserable the whole time as opposed to what? he doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs to be around because I didn't even understand what I'd done wrong, he just decided I was annoying him. What should I do to stop it happening again?

Action plan; stop seeing your friends, and certainly stop having the craic with them should you accidentally bump into them unchaperoned. Maybe give up college/work to minimise the chances of meeting someone who might just tempt you into cheating on him. Start dressing frumpily to discourage any advances? :rolleyes: From what you've described he sounds like the type of nutbag who'd find this reasonable. Or you could dump him and enjoy your friendships (like most people do) and be available should a non-possessive, sound guy show up:D

Just because someone loves you and you love them doesn't mean you shouldn't dump them.

+1 He might think that this is an acceptable way of expressing love for you and that for you to show your love you shouldn't show affection to other guys.......and you've played into this in a way. I don't think that an issue like this can be resolved in a relationship, I think it can be seen as a something to learn from for both of you for future relationships.

If you decide to dump him, get your friends on board (I have a sneaking suspicion he's not the most popular with them) to keep you strong should you decide for some insane reason that a relationship with him is better than none. Reread this thread, particularly your own comments and imagine if your best friend was telling you that her/his partner made you feel like this. Expect moaning and self-pity from his nibs (see, I was right not to trust you sob sob) and tell him to go find someone more suitable to his temperament seeing as he had such issues with your (perfectly normal and reasonable) behaviour.

smiles

Scary scary. Sounds like a control freak -- we can all get like that, but 100% of the time is a bit much. You should treat yourself with a bit more respect and not put up with that kind of ****.

I think it's ultimatum time -- you've given up friends/nights out/etc for him, and he doesn't seem to realise this means a lot to you -- tell him that he needs to chill out or he's going to lose you.

I had an ex who freaked out at me for talking to other guys.... this continued even _after_ we broke up, would call me a slut, etc, to anyone who would listen. Ended up just cutting him out of my life.

Best of luck.

hitcher

dump him

Toots

This guy sounds like a really insecure control freak. Has he ever given you a reason for why he's like this? Was he cheated on in a previous relationship? TBH, I think you need to end this relationship, unless he seriously changes his ways. You're already with him a year, and you've admitted that you've isolated yourself from most of your friends, so imagine what it'll be like in 5 years, he'll probably be more paranoid and you'll have no friends to turn to.

My advice would be to break it off with him, but if you really don't want to do that, tell him that he's got to change. If you want to go out with your friends once or twice a week, that's your business. Let him know that you will not be cancelling any more plans because he's throwing his toys out of the pram. Tell him that you won't tolerate any more accusations or suspicions of cheating, and definitely no more nasty messages on facebook. He needs to start treating you with respect. Give him a realistic time frame in which to prove to you that he's turned over a new leaf, ie a few months (if you say a couple of weeks, you may find that's he's brilliant for a fortnight and then when everything's hunky dory again, he's back to his old ways). If he can't give up on this behaviour, you owe it to yourself to end it. And be firm, let him know exactly why you're leaving. Then go and find yourself someone more rational and deserving of your affections.

woolymammoth

His behaviour is way on the extreme side of jealousy! Sure we all get a lil jealous sometimes, but this guy has taken it too far. and without any disrespect to you OP, you've let it go for too long.

You can see he's acting like a child, you can see he's making you miserable, you can see he's cutting you off from all your friends. I'm sure you've strong feelings for him, but he doesn't sound like much of a friend to you himself, let alone a bf.

You only have 3 clear options:

1. Do nothing. Stay with him, stop seeing your friends, stop having a social life, then later any life at all. Become even more miserable, probably marry the guy because he's your entire world now, and be trapped for the rest of your life.
2. Ultimatum. Tell him to harden the fu*k up, he has 1 week or month to completely cop onto himself and reform, or you'll turn his brown eye blue with the 12" dildo you just got in Ann Summers before cutting him out of your life altogether.
3. Hammer Time. Dump him immediately without a second thought simply for the way he's treated you until now. (Recommended)

It's good to have options!

halfinch

The first year of a relationship is great, giggling all the time, feeling your stomach do somersaults at the thought of seeing him and you are spending it worried about everything with him, uve cut out most of your friends, why?? Seriously you sound like you are young but trust me you are betteroff with our him....

I know you will feel ike crap for ABOUT FOUR WEEKS after you break up but it will definetly be better in the long run

Wibbs

Talliesin wrote: »

Dump him.

In general I'm all for saying that one should work on things and not give up easily, and yeah if he could acknowledge his problem enough to get some counselling it might help.

But really, people like this are just misery production machines. Just dump him.

Nothing to improve on here as advice. I would only add that people who are like this are often the very types that would cheat on someone. That can be a reason why they're so controlling. They figure they would do it if the chance presented itself.

Walk away. This won't get better.

Talliesin

Wibbs wrote: »

I would only add that people who are like this are often the very types that would cheat on someone. That can be a reason why they're so controlling. They figure they would do it if the chance presented itself.

This is true. It can also happen the other way around; someone cheats and then they're forever waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In any case, the whole notion seems to be taking monogamy from something that is about two people and turning it into something that is just about them. No wonder it ends up being perverted into something destructive.

Susannahmia

Talliesin wrote: »

Dump him.

In general I'm all for saying that one should work on things and not give up easily, and yeah if he could acknowledge his problem enough to get some counselling it might help.

But really, people like this are just misery production machines. Just dump him.

+1

martian1980

What.a.knob. There's issues there that will only get worse. Can you see yourself being with him and being happy in 5 years time, and still having friends? His reaction to the photos are red card stuff on their own...

dlofnep

Oh jaysus, he's a control freak.. and worse even, it's probably not even on purpose. He's so insecure about himself, he's taking it out on you. I tell you, he's sweating this more than you are. I'd suggest phoning him and give him an ultimatum - either chill out and give you the trust you deserve or that it's over.

Personally, I think it's a lost cause. He's already set his mind on it and I doubt it will change.

IRISH RAIL

How does he know hes gay what I mean is is it just you telling him?
how would you feel if he had a picture of him kissing a girl who he said was a lesbian on his site?
my ex was like that a "faghag" (apologies if that offends anyone) well it turned out she went out with half of them I was not a happy bunny so I can understand a little where he is coming from.
maybe less of the guy friends and more girls could sort it out.
He has issues and now you have to think is he worth you helping him with them.

Talliesin

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

How does he know hes gay what I mean is is it just you telling him?

What does it matter? :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

I know everyone on this thread thinks I should dump him, but I really don't want to... When we are together and things are going well it is so good, he makes me so happy. It's just recently things have been going a bit askew and I don't know how to fix it.
I mean yes I have cut myself off a bit from my friends - I have made efforts before not to, because I'm in the same college course as my boyfriend so I reckoned I'd see him anyway, but he got upset because he was only seeing me in class which isn't really properly seeing someone and I was meeting other people for lunch or whatever. That was at the beginning of the college year, so since then I've pretty much been eating lunch just with him. I'm in a club in college and we go on weekends away, and in Novemberish he got upset about that, not knowing what might be happening on these trips away etc, but I put my foot down and told him that I am not giving up the club or the trips or ditching those friends, he's still a bit sulky when I get back from these trips so I don't really tell him anything about them anymore (which probably doesn't help his suspicions, but still) I think part of the problem is the trips can be pretty wild and he knows this, and also he isn't a drinker but I am, so he's worried I'll get drunk and someone will take advantage of me or something. This annoys me because I've never done this to him before so I don't know why he doesn't trust me.
I had a talk with him yesterday afternoon though, to try work it out, and turns out there's a lot of other things upsetting him he's just taking it all out on me. Thing is, he's not a great one for talking about what he's feeling or whatever so it can be a bit like drawing blood from a stone or talking to a statue... I managed to drag it out of him that he's worried about our exams in April, and also he's worried about his mother (she's an alcoholic, and hasn't had any help for it, she's always drunk in the evenings and is fairly careless about cigarettes and things so he said every time he goes home he's worried that the house will have burned down. I think this is partly why he doesn't like me drinking. He doesn't have anyone to talk to because his family are not close so he won't talk to his dad or his sister, so he just has me, and even then it's really hard to get it out of him) Basically he internalises everything and then takes it out on me, which is why he seems to be overreacting to everything.
I am fairly upset again today though, because when we were talking yesterday he was telling me all the things about me that annoy him, and when he'd finished I said "Anything else?" basically meaning he might as well finish what he'd started, and he said nothing that wouldn't make me cry, so I told him to spit it out anyway... And he said that when he was looking through the photos on facebook he noticed that I was a lot more attractive during the summer because I was thinner. I didn't expect that, so it was like a slap in the face. Even though we've kind of made up now, I still am quite upset about that one, much more than I am about anything else he said about me. I went to a party last night without him, the birthday party of one of the friends that I haven't been seeing much since I've been with him, and though I had a great time seeing all my friends again and having fun, it was still niggling at me a bit especially whenever I was alone - whenever I went to the bathroom I'd remember it, or when I went to bed I couldn't sleep for a while because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just feel like he said it just to hurt me, the way he said it was so cruel. He knows that I was bulimic for about five years when I was a teenager and that I'm sensitive about my weight, it's like he knew exactly how to hurt me and he used it. I don't want to say it to any of my friends because I feel loyal towards him and don't want them turning against him (most of them know to some extent the problems I had when I was younger and would be very angry if I told them what he'd said) but I feel very alone right now and I really need a hug from someone and for the first time in ages it's not him that I want either.
I know this post probably makes very little sense, but reading all your replies on top of all this has made me quite upset too. I can't just dump him, I love him and I've worked too hard at this to just throw it all away. I just don't know how to make things better.

Scarinae

Was he cheated on by a previous girlfriend maybe? That might be why he doesn't trust you. Still his problem not yours - I wouldn't be as quick to dump as everyone here is suggesting, maybe try talking to him about it and see if there'sa a reason for his jealousy? If you can understand it maybe then you can work though it

Bottle_of_Smoke

frustrated wrote:

He's admitted he wouldn't care if it was a girl instead of a guy with me in the photos, so why a gay guy?

A gay guy is not a woman. Would piss me off less than you kissing a straight guy but more than a woman. No one wants a photo of their girlfriend flirting with someone online, doesn't matter if the person is interested or not.

Are you a flirty person? if you are then don't do it around your boyfriend, it's pretty rude & will make him feel very awkward.

If you're not a flirt in front of him then he's just a prat & probably won't change.

If you genuinely think he said the weight thing to hurt you it's pretty concerning. However you did say you wanted him to tell you everything that's bothering him & girlfriend putting on weight does bother guys

Overall this guy does sounds like a bastard to me.

the_syco

frustrated wrote: »

My boyfriend seems convinced that I am going to cheat on him, and it is really getting me down... He doesn't like me going out places without him there and gets really sulky when I try to tell him about my night out (I do try to invite him to things by the way, but most of the time he won't come, so it's either go without him or cancel. And I do cancel things to be with him, I've isolated myself a lot from some friends in the almost a year I've been with my boyfriend) I have never cheated on him or on anybody else so I think this is quite unfair, as I've never given him any reason to be suspicious.

Dump him before he's the only friend you have, and when that happens, his jealousy will most likely stop you from making any new ones.

Tobias Greeshman

This guy definitely has some serious issues he needs to deal with. Mainly some serious trusting issues and insecurities.

He actually reminds me of someone I used to know that was in a relationship with a friend of my ex. He was very controlling, would want to know where she was at all times, she starting cutting off friends, and in the end starting changing how she would act. Thing is she was a really confident out-going girl before they got together and she became depressed, quiet, after being with him, her personality completely changed. Anyways it turns out this guy was cheated on before, and had a pretty fecked up past as well. So felt he had to control everything in order to not get hurt. They ended up separating because he wouldn't get help.

OP I think if you want to stay in this relationship, you're bf needs to get some help. To deal with his controlling behavour. I don't think your relationship stands a chance until he sorts himself out.

frustrated

frustrated wrote: »

I know everyone on this thread thinks I should dump him, but I really don't want to... When we are together and things are going well it is so good, he makes me so happy. It's just recently things have been going a bit askew and I don't know how to fix it.

You can't fix it. There are two of you in the relationship; the two of you need to work on it. Him sitting there sulking and bitching at you is not helping to fix it.

Why, for example, was he telling you all the things about you that annoy him? Were you both taking turns? What kind of person do you think tells someone with an/previous eating disorder that they're not attractive with weight?

Do you find you have to justify a lot of his behaviour to people or yourself?

Ok, he has a lot of worries. Not ok that he is taking them out on you. Definitely not ok that part of that is listing why he doesn't like you.
Wearing down your self confidence levels over time until you are miserable - as you are - is extremely dangerous.
Either he gets help and talks to someone who isn't you, a friend(I'm assuming he has them...?) or someone professional, or you have to call it a day.
It is NOT your responsbility to fix him and his problems. Make that very clear in your head.

sam34

op, i have been in a very similar relationship. i was miserable, utterly miserable, yet i stuck with him for almost a year, as he had successfully isolated me from my friends and family. he was so incredibly controlling and possessive and jealous. by the time i ended it, i didnt love him any more, he was aburden. i felt years younger once i had dumped him. take it from me, this man will not change for the better, he will only get worse. you will become more and more isolated and dependent on him, until you have only him. that is what he wants. get out now while you can.

Placebo

lets be honest here, you have not solely isolated your friends because your bf was unhappy about you spending more time with them, this happens by default in every relationship as you have less time to devote to others and from a relationships perspective, you definatley should [have less time that is] so that is absolute bull. No girl would ever do that, theyre too 'independance' hungry
Anyway i think rather than breaking up with him since the main reason he is a control freak is that he likes [love?] you and does not want anything to even taint that line of love, be it a photo thats going to drive him suspecious, saying that he should keep it cool and not act like a 15 year old.
so solution, talk about A BREAK UP, as in its not going to work if you keep this up, if you chase he will persist.

bluewolf stop runing her relationship FFS, its her bf, people have troubles, they work at them, she needs to make it clear, not dump him. While its NOT her responsibility, it should be in her interest. gosh , got off on the wrong side of the bed this morning today, did you ?

,mnb

You spend less time with friends and have notice your relationships with your friends getting weaker. Whether people notice it in relationships or not, this happens most of the time for people who are loved up if they're honest.
He has a problem with jealousy which arises from insecurity. You've already given reasons why that might be - a mother who doesn't show unconditional love. And he has to acknowledge the problem and go for counselling or talk regularly about it to you or to someone he can confide in. If he does then he might be on the road to recovery. He definitely loves you and you love him so it's worth working on IMHO. You're relationship would be greatly enhanced if he sorted this out for you and especially for HIM. Thats what he needs to know.

Talliesin

frustrated wrote: »

I know everyone on this thread thinks I should dump him

Some people thought you shouldn't, but this post from you has probably convinced at least a few of them that you should.

frustrated wrote: »

It's just recently things have been going a bit askew and I don't know how to fix it.

"Just recently" isn't a good opening to a description of serious on-going problems like you then launch into.

frustrated wrote: »

This annoys me because I've never done this to him before so I don't know why he doesn't trust me.

You don't know why someone with trust issues doesn't trust you?

You don't think maybe it might be because he's got trust issues.

frustrated wrote: »

He doesn't have anyone to talk to because his family are not close so he won't talk to his dad or his sister, so he just has me, and even then it's really hard to get it out of him) Basically he internalises everything and then takes it out on me, which is why he seems to be overreacting to everything.

Wow, someone you've previously described as emotionally retarded is acting in an emotionally retarded manner.

frustrated wrote: »

I am fairly upset again today though, because when we were talking yesterday he was telling me all the things about me that annoy him, and when he'd finished I said "Anything else?" basically meaning he might as well finish what he'd started, and he said nothing that wouldn't make me cry, so I told him to spit it out anyway...

While I do understand why you would say "spit it out anyway", you were pretty much asking someone who is being a complete prick to you to be even more of a prick.

frustrated wrote: »

it's like he knew exactly how to hurt me and he used it.

No, it's not "like" that at all.

He did know exactly how to hurt you and he did use it.

It's not a matter of similarity at all.

frustrated wrote: »

I don't want to say it to any of my friends because I feel loyal towards him and don't want them turning against him

You don't want people you know to make an honest appraisal of him you think they will turn against him. What does that tell you?

frustrated wrote: »

(most of them know to some extent the problems I had when I was younger and would be very angry if I told them what he'd said)

How long did it take you to tell people about that self-destructive behaviour as well?

You aren't protecting him, you're protecting your own self-destruction.

frustrated wrote: »

but I feel very alone right now and I really need a hug from someone and for the first time in ages it's not him that I want either.

I feel for you. I really do. Hope you get a proper hug soon.

frustrated wrote: »

I know this post probably makes very little sense,

Makes perfect sense.

frustrated wrote: »

but reading all your replies on top of all this has made me quite upset too.

I can't really find a nice way to say you are dating a complete loser.

I can at least temper it with saying you're probably worth a lot more.

frustrated wrote: »

I can't just dump him, I love him and I've worked too hard at this to just throw it all away.

Emotional sunk cost fallacy.

Just as having spent millions on a doomed project doesn't mean spending another few million on it is a good idea, so the time and emotion you've wasted on him is not a good reason to waste more.

It also isn't doing him any favours. He is making you less than you can be, and that in itself is possibly making him less than he can be. He's making himself miserable as well as you, and you are just using him as a new way to be self-destructive.

frustrated wrote: »

I just don't know how to make things better.

Stop. It's very simple. It isn't nice, it isn't fun, it isn't pleasant, but it is very simple.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

No one wants a photo of their girlfriend flirting with someone online, doesn't matter if the person is interested or not.

Eh. Firstly it's bull**** to say nobody wants a photo of their girlfriend flirting with someone online. Secondly, where on earth are you getting flirting from?

LegacyUser

I feel like everyone on this thread is just against him, I'm probably not explaining things right because I'm upset and angry about it and it's probably coming across worse than it actually is... He is a wonderful boyfriend usually, he's very loving and considerate and patient, it's just the last two weeks or so everything seems to have disintegrated and I'm not sure what I have done wrong.

I love him, I really really do, and that's why I want to do anything I can to try to fix things. I really can't just throw it all away over one argument.

A few people have wondered if he's been cheated on before; thing is, he hasn't really been in a proper relationship before me. When he was in school there was one girl he really liked, and she liked him back, but nothing happened further than kisses on the lips and some hugs cos he was too shy to say or do anything. She subsequently went away for the summer and hooked up with another guy from their year who was in the same place as her, and that was the end of anything between her and my bf. It's not really cheating since they weren't actually together, but it still hurt him, especially since she and the other guy were all over each other at their debs. Maybe that's the reason for trust issues? He wasn't with anyone else until I came along halfway through second year, and I was the one who did the pursuing and initiating our first kiss and everything. He's really quiet and doesn't do well in groups of people, which is one of the reasons it's so hard to mix him with other friends. He doesn't really have any close friends apart from me, people who he calls his friends are really more what I would consider to be acquaintances, so maybe that's the reason he doesn't understand why I need to see my other friends as well as him. If I ditched him, he just wouldn't have anyone to talk to, quite apart from the fact that I love him I couldn't do that to him because he'd have nobody else to talk to about what's bothering him. I can't just abandon him.

I was in work earlier today and I got quite upset about the whole thing, I told some of my friends who I work with about what happened yesterday evening and they couldn't believe what he'd said about my weight. Generally they reckon I should take a bit of a break from him at least, try not to see or talk to him for a couple of days until I've thought about the whole thing a bit more. My phone is actually out of battery right now so I haven't been able to contact him all day, and I do feel a bit better because of it. I just wish that things could go back to how they used to be. I miss how he was before all this started.

SarahSassy

You will never make him happy because he is not capable of being happy within himself. Thats what controlling people are like. You are a smart girl. he may be nice but he is runnign your life for you and the comments on the weight are just bullying. Im sure its very stressful to be managing this on a day to day basis and what he is doing is not normal in a healthy relationship.... Take a few days break. If he asks tell him why but dont get into lond conversations or meeting him. Ultimately, he will most likely get worse and you will probably end up breaking up so why let him torture you for anoter few years...

nmk

Hi op, hope you're feeling better now, I'm actually really shocked by your second and third posts, and want to ask you again why you have somebody like that in your life. Jealous and possessive, seemingly sure you're liable to run off with someone yet telling you that there's a litany of annoying and off-putting things about you and then bringing up your weight despite the fact that you'd be even more sensitive than your average girl about your weight due to your past issues.........He can be sweet when you toe the line and pander to his whims.......sure eat lunch together but every day and only with him? (Or did I misunderstand that, do you still see your friends at lunch?) You're showing him an awful lot of consideration and understanding as he has 'issues', he's not exactly returning the favour is he? You sound like a lovely, fun, kind person, I know you feel you've invested in this but take on board your friends advice and give yourself a few days apart from him to get your head around this. Take care.

Talliesin

frustrated wrote: »

He is a wonderful boyfriend usually, he's very loving and considerate and patient, it's just the last two weeks or so everything seems to have disintegrated and I'm not sure what I have done wrong.

You're lying.

You just described in your previous post about how your relationship has been dysfunctional since at least the start of the academic year, if not before.

You are saying two things which are clearly both not true. It's a lie. It's a whopper of "I am Napoleon Bonaparte, Empereur des Français, and have been living in Saint Helena's secret 19th Century cryogenic facility for the last two hundred years" proportions.

It's a fib so big that you can only be saying it because you, at least, actually believe it.

Why?

What do you think a relationship is supposed to do?

Why did you accept his behaviour last year?

frustrated wrote: »

A few people have wondered if he's been cheated on before; thing is, he hasn't really been in a proper relationship before me.

He isn't in one now.

frustrated wrote: »

Maybe that's the reason for trust issues? He wasn't with anyone else until I came along halfway through second year, and I was the one who did the pursuing and initiating our first kiss and everything.

You haven't done him any favours.

If he'd been dating someone who wouldn't have put up with his crap he may have grown up a bit.

frustrated wrote: »

If I ditched him, he just wouldn't have anyone to talk to, quite apart from the fact that I love him I couldn't do that to him because he'd have nobody else to talk to about what's bothering him. I can't just abandon him.

So, precisely because he isn't going to get some help - which could possibly make him deal with his issues - you can't get out?

And do you really think this is good for him either?

Really. Why did you put up with this? I don't mean the rhetorical question "why did you put up with this?" that is really the statement "don't put up this", I mean there is a reason or a complex of reasons why you put up with it, and I'm really asking what it is.

Because he's not the only one in this.

You are engaging in behaviour that is self-destructive. You are engaging in behaviour that is reducing you. It is making you less.

And I don't want to come across as blaming the victim, because you shouldn't have to be in a position of choosing between maintaining friendships and being in a relationship, and you shouldn't have to be defending kissing a friend on the cheek and you shouldn't be dealing with strops because you go on college trips. You shouldn't have to deal with any of this at all.

But there is still a question of why you are putting up with it. It's not healthy to accept this sort of thing. When we put up with ongoing bad situations (and most of us do at some point in our lives) there's something going on with ourselves that's making us do so.

And really, what matters more than the fact that nobody is going to supply you with an elastoplast solution that will "fix things" is that when you eventually have had enough (and eventually you will have) how you make sure you don't do exactly the same thing with the next guy that comes along.

Ickle Magoo

frustrated wrote: »

He is a wonderful boyfriend usually, he's very loving and considerate and patient,

Is this the same guy? The guy that throws a wobbler because you kiss a friend on the cheek? The guy who doesn't want you to have lunch with your class mates? The guy who gets in a strop if you go on a trip without him? The guy you can't describe to your pals because you know they'll tell you a few home truths. The guy who says things he knows will hurt you to punish you in some stupid punitive way?

I have no idea why you think he's such a catch after describing some really despicable behaviour & I have no idea why you want to hang around for more. He is going to eat at your self-confidence & your social life until you have nothing left because he's happiest when he knows you have no-one around that can tell you that what he's exhibiting is not normal loving behaviour & that you are not in a healthy relationship.

Ask that he sees a councellor immediately, it may do you some good to do likewise because for some reason you don't think you are worth better.

Lola123

+1 to everything tallisien said.

OP, you sound exactly like one of my bests who's in the same situation.
On one hand you're telling us all the stuff thats going on such as isolating your friends and not wanting you to go out your own etc. And then you're going on to say he's a wonderful boyfriend. Who are you trying to convince, us or yourself.

Been there, got the t-shirt.... DUMPED the T-shirt!

I think you probably know deep down that this is not a good relationship and you should get out. It's hard when there are good parts to it, but in this instance it sounds like that bad far outweighs the good. Get out while you still can!

Talliesin

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

it may do you some good to do likewise because for some reason you don't think you are worth better.

+1

OP. You said you suffered from bulimia in the past.

When you first realised things were not quite right, did you look for ways to "fix things" without tackling the real problem?

Did you tell yourself that if you could just adjust things a bit it would somehow all be okay?

Did you continue to hold on to the "goals" the disordered eating behaviour was meant to achieve, even when anyone else could have seen it was counter to any healthy outcome? Even when you'd begun to see that yourself?

Did you avoid talking about it with your friends, because you knew deep down what they would tell you?

Would you have had inconsistent descriptions of what your eating patterns were like, should you have described them to people? Even when you'd begun to see there was a problem?

I wonder, because while I don't know if any of the above applies to your experience with eating issues, they are both things that do happen with eating disorders and things you are doing with your "boyfriend" according to your posts.

The Sweeper

OP

If you were my daughter, I'd end up estranging myself from you for life because I'd plant myself right in the middle of your relationship and bodily remove you from your boyfriend and send you to an overseas convent to get the hell away from him.

You need to understand something about the skill that is emotional manipulation.

1. Your boyfriend is emotionally manipulative. And he's a grade one stunner at it, because his mother is an alcoholic and he learned his skills at her knee.
2. You are a perfect target for an emotionally manipulative man, because you are convinced that you can either fix him, or make his life better, or improve his lot because he's such a poor, darling, mistreated boy.
3. Your boyfriends emotional manipulation is directly linked to his control over you. Why have you stopped seeing your friends? Because he tells you it makes him feel bad. Why have you started eating lunch with him instead of other people? Because he has convinced you that the relationship you had when you had friends and ate lunch where you wanted wasn't a "real relationship".
4. Your boyfriend doesn't like your Facebook page because it is evidence of the life you have where he has not featured and HE HATES THAT. It's simply extra ammunition that you have a photograph of you kissing a gay friend. Has he asked you to take down the facebook pictures? Perhaps stop using facebook altogether?
5. Making jabs about your weight is an incredibly skilful piece of manipulation, because now you have a war on two fronts. The first, your life outside the tiny sphere of your madly controlling boyfriend upsets him, and you must stop that life immediately. The second, you're not looking after yourself properly. You've put on weight. You're letting yourself slide. So now you're at war with him, AND you're at war with yourself.
6. Your boyfriend dripfeeds moments of happiness into your life - moments, I daresay, that coincide with you looking nice and behaving yourself and doing precisely what he wants you to do. Those moments are then held up as the holy grail of relationship perfection, and he's working on you so you believe it's your fault when things aren't perfect.
7. If you continue to allow your boyfriend to control your life, he will begin to influence how you dress, who your friends are, where you work, what your hobbies are and the contact you have with your family. And when it's all over in a few years time, when you've outgrown this university-aged need to mean everything to someone, and you've finally discovered the person that you are and stopped defining yourself through someone else's approval, you will realise you have wasted some of the greatest potential in your young life on a man you will resent for YEARS because of it.

OP, this is past "dump him". This is at "save yourself".

b3t4

Op, I could tell you that you should finish your 'relationship' but it will probably fall on deaf ears.

All I can tell you is that anyone I know, myself included, who is in a healthy, stable and loving relationship does not have what you are describing happening in their relationship.

You need to let this relationship go as the only thing it's doing is making you miserable, relationships aren't meant to do that.

You are worth so much more than this guy, I only wish you knew this.

A

blah

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

6.Your boyfriend dripfeeds moments of happiness into your life - moments, I daresay, that coincide with you looking nice and behaving yourself and doing precisely what he wants you to do. Those moments are then held up as the holy grail of relationship perfection, and he's working on you so you believe it's your fault when things aren't perfect.

...

OP, this is past "dump him". This is at "save yourself".

+1
majd strikes again

OP, it's not supposed to be this hard. He should love you for the way you are, not the way he tells you to be.

Mighty_Mouse

Anyway we had a big fight yesterday

Your biggest mistake is entering an argument with someone who won't argue rationally.
Take a position. & then let him either get used to it or the relationship doesnt work .
Its him with the problems here.

LegacyUser

Well I talked to him again when I saw him today. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him to try guess, so he guessed upset and annoyed. He thought it was the photo I was most annoyed about, when it's actually the weight thing. I said how dare he speak to me the way he did and he really got angry with me then, saying that I'm always saying I want him to be honest with me and tell him everything and that's all he was doing. I told him there's a difference between being honest and being cruel, and that I thought he'd only said it the way he did because he wanted to hurt me and he knew the best way to do it. He was so angry then I thought he was going to walk off on me, so I told him to imagine it had been the other way around and how he'd feel. He still didn't seem to get it so I said to imagine I'd picked something I knew he was really sensitive about, like the size of his penis, and had then spitefully told him when he was already upset about something else that I didn't find him that attractive because he has a tiny dick... I think he got what I meant then, and after thinking about it for a while he admitted it was really out of line. I said it wasn't just that, it was plain nasty, and how would he feel? He said in my position he'd feel like he never wanted to see me again, and I was like yeah, well, go figure... He asked did this mean that this is the end of it all, and I said I didn't know, and he asked what I want and I said I didn't know that either - if he'd asked me two days ago I would have said there was no way I wanted to break up, but now I'm not so sure. I told him this, and while I did love being with him, I think it would take me a very long time to forgive him. He said he'd be surprised if I forgive him at all, and got quite upset.
I brought up some of the other things while we were at it. I told him how isolated I felt without seeing my friends as much, and that I wished he'd just trust me cos I've never done anything to him to break that trust. I asked if he was worried while I was at a 21st on Saturday (I went to a birthday party without him, after we had the fight on Saturday evening) and he said that he was but he'd tried not to think about it. I said that he can't expect me to not go to things just because he won't go, especially when he was actually invited, but he said he doesn't know any of my friends and I know he hates large groups and he can't expect me to go along to stuff like that. I brought up a few examples of times he wouldn't come to stuff even though he knew at least three or four people, and he said he doesn't really know them that well and that's unfair, and I pointed out that he can hardly expect to get to know people if he won't ever mix with them. He said I should stop trying to make him be friends with people because he's fine without friends and he just feels awkward around groups of people. I said that I am NOT happy without friends and he isn't going to stop me from seeing them anymore.

We haven't broken up. We're not exactly going on a break, we're just taking a breather from each other, texting and calling less and not specifically meeting up (although we'll see each other in college) We said we'd talk about it again in a week and see how we both feel about it. I am going to spend the week enjoying myself, I'm already working out when I can go out and see friends. Hopefully this will show him that he's not going to die if he doesn't see me every spare minute of the day, that there's nothing wrong with doing things separately. I do still love him, I just don't really feel like seeing him right now, so hopefully this will do some good.

Jack B. Badd

frustrated wrote: »

I know everyone on this thread thinks I should dump him, but I really don't want to...

Hi, look at me! I know that poking myself repeatedly in the eyeball with this pen is unhealthy but I kind of like it and well, I'm just not going to stop. That said, I'm not going to stop moaning about how much it hurts either... :rolleyes:

OP, you're painting two different, conflicting pictures of your relationship and expecting everyone here to apply the same double-think to it that you are. You're not doing yourself or your boyfriend any favours by staying in such an unhealthy relationship.

,mnb

I think people here are being overly harsh really but they do talk a lot of sense. Unfortunately love is a feeling and not always connected with simple logic.
But well done on what you did. It showed great strength and resilience. Let us know how you get on.

SarahSassy

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

OP

If you were my daughter, I'd end up estranging myself from you for life because I'd plant myself right in the middle of your relationship and bodily remove you from your boyfriend and send you to an overseas convent to get the hell away from him.

You need to understand something about the skill that is emotional manipulation.

1. Your boyfriend is emotionally manipulative. And he's a grade one stunner at it, because his mother is an alcoholic and he learned his skills at her knee.
2. You are a perfect target for an emotionally manipulative man, because you are convinced that you can either fix him, or make his life better, or improve his lot because he's such a poor, darling, mistreated boy.
3. Your boyfriends emotional manipulation is directly linked to his control over you. Why have you stopped seeing your friends? Because he tells you it makes him feel bad. Why have you started eating lunch with him instead of other people? Because he has convinced you that the relationship you had when you had friends and ate lunch where you wanted wasn't a "real relationship".
4. Your boyfriend doesn't like your Facebook page because it is evidence of the life you have where he has not featured and HE HATES THAT. It's simply extra ammunition that you have a photograph of you kissing a gay friend. Has he asked you to take down the facebook pictures? Perhaps stop using facebook altogether?
5. Making jabs about your weight is an incredibly skilful piece of manipulation, because now you have a war on two fronts. The first, your life outside the tiny sphere of your madly controlling boyfriend upsets him, and you must stop that life immediately. The second, you're not looking after yourself properly. You've put on weight. You're letting yourself slide. So now you're at war with him, AND you're at war with yourself.
6. Your boyfriend dripfeeds moments of happiness into your life - moments, I daresay, that coincide with you looking nice and behaving yourself and doing precisely what he wants you to do. Those moments are then held up as the holy grail of relationship perfection, and he's working on you so you believe it's your fault when things aren't perfect.
7. If you continue to allow your boyfriend to control your life, he will begin to influence how you dress, who your friends are, where you work, what your hobbies are and the contact you have with your family. And when it's all over in a few years time, when you've outgrown this university-aged need to mean everything to someone, and you've finally discovered the person that you are and stopped defining yourself through someone else's approval, you will realise you have wasted some of the greatest potential in your young life on a man you will resent for YEARS because of it.

OP, this is past "dump him". This is at "save yourself".

This is a fantastic post. Read it and read it again until it sinks in....

Wibbs

I second that. Minesajackdaniels' post is a blinder. Posts such as these should be stickies. Nail on the fuggin head.

Gyalist

Wibbs wrote: »

I second that. Minesajackdaniels' post is a blinder. Posts such as these should be stickies. Nail on the fuggin head.

That's right, but the OP seems determined to learn her lesson the hard way.

Irishcrx

SarahSassy wrote: »

This is a fantastic post. Read it and read it again until it sinks in....

Thanks for that post made me relaise alot about my own relationship, it's spot on I have the same problem as the OP except with my gf.