Can I forgive her for this... or is it the end? What do you think?

LegacyUser

Sorry this is a but long, but please read, its a good story...

About 4 months ago I met this really great girl - totally my type, and such a nice and cool chick, we really hit it off. I let her know I was interested but she only wanted to be friends. We got very close very quickly hanging out all the time. I really like her as a friend anyway and really enjoy spending time with her, but from her perspective, I am even more special to her, than she is to me! She says she has never had any guy friend like me and honestly sings my praises in every way to an almost embarrassing level. Constantly telling me how cool, funny, smart, fun and just the most amazing guy she has ever met. She tells me and all her friends how she adores me and how glad she is that she has someone like me in her life, and that i "really would make the perfect boyfriend" - but there is just something missing for her, the spark, and although she does find me attractive she just does not fancy me int eh way she needs to fancy a guy to be with them...

We did get together one night and kiss passionately in a club, but for her it was only really a one off thing, someone to kiss for the night etc. Over the next while we had many talks about it but her feelings remain unchanged for me, she only wants to be close friends. Despite trying to forget about her, I cannot get over the fact that she's almost perfect for me, and how great we would be together.

A few months later I brought her out on a night out with some of my friends. She told me she fancied one of my mates. She ended up kissing him - I tried to act like it did not bother me, but she knew I was not happy. She was supposed to be staying in my house that night went home with him, but did not sleep with him - she is the type of girl who would not sleep with a guy without dating him for a few weeks.

Over the next days we totally had it out and I let her know that doing that upset me and I expected more from someone who was supposedly a very close friend. But as I do care for her I eventually forgave her and still wanted to be friends.

We went out last night, again she was going to be staying in my house. Same place and crowd, and my good mate she kissed last time was there again - but it was obviously assumed nothing would happen, I didn't even feel I had to say it. Long story short, later in the night she came up to me and said she wanted to go home and have sex with him, and wanted to know if she did that would it affect our friendship. I told her it absolutely would, I could not tell her what to do, but I did not want her to do it and it would upset me. She does not want to go out with him, but just fancies his and just wanted to sleep with him that night (I though she did not do this type of thing?). We talked about it for a while, but out opinions did not change. I eventually said that I'm going home and she stayed and (I assume) went home and had sex with him.

So, do you think I am right to be very upset, or do you sympathise with her? Do you think I am being selfish by not letting her go home and shag one of my close mates despite knowing how much it upsets me as it's so obvious I have strong feelings for this gir! Personally I feel that she directly choose a night of meaningless sex, over our supposed very close friendship. I have a lot of very close friends and no one has ever even come near to betraying/disappointing/letting me down me like that. I think I can no longer be friends with someone who does that.

I'd really like to hear your opinions... Thanks

Jumpy

Gah. What guy hasnt done this at some stage. Dont bother, you will never end up with her, dont torture yourself because she prefers someone else, focus your sights elsewhere.
I know of course you wont listen to a word I say, but you will figure it out for yourself eventually.

Best quote ever on bash.org

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

It happens to everyone, just try and figure it out quickly.

Micamaca

So you think she should just stay celibate so as not to hurt your feelings? Yes, to me that sounds unreasonable. So she doesn't want to have that kind of relationship with you but she values you as a friend. She has been straight with you all along. It seems to me you are the one who is not being straight, either with her or yourself.

It sounds like you are hoping she will have a change of heart and see you in a new light. But what if she doesn't?

I don't think you are doing yourself any favours putting so much time and energy into a girl who just wants to be friends. It sounds like you're stalking her a little...I don't mean that in a bad way, but you're watching her every move to see who does she hit it off with and then getting upset when it's not you. For your own sake, try to put a little healthy distance in your relationship. Maybe you will see things in a new light then. I wish you luck, I know it must be very hard but try, for your sake.

Ps great quote Jumpy!

Placebo

Shes an average girl, from the sounds of things with an average mentality. Its your night out with her, shes supposed to stay over and have a gay slumber party, yet this doesnt happen on two occasions. I would be fairly pissed off, only downfall here is besides the unethical behaviour it would boil down to your jealously. For your own mental health i would stop contact with her, you will never be friends, you will alway remain jealous. Unless ofcourse you find someone and if you do your attention and time will be diverted so it will fade with your friend.

Micamaca wrote: »

So you think she should just stay celibate so as not to hurt your feelings? Yes, to me that sounds unreasonable.

She was on a night out with him, they were suppose to go home together like friends, she wasnt out with her female friends on the ''pull''

Profiler

Jumpy wrote: »

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

+1

Great description!

davyjose

I think that realistically you can't be friends with this girl. For your sake. You are going to be tortured for the next few months, until you move on, and then you'll probably find that you only have a shell of a friendship with her - no real connection. Because the connection you have with her now is not based on real friendship, just your own romantic notions.

For the Record, going up to you like that and declaring that she wanted to have sex with your mate is what I would call being a c*nt of the highest order. But that's just me.

Colonel_McCoy

Sorry she has a right to choose who she is with, since its not you, you will have to accept it and move on!

centrino

To be honest you need to stay as far away as possible from her. Shes just wrecking your head man, if she had any interest in you she wouldnt do this. And actually telling you that shes going to bang your mate...FF'sS..
Tell her to go and F**k herself. Please for your own dignity send her on her way.

Talliesin

MrSingleton wrote: »

Over the next days we totally had it out and I let her know that doing that upset me and I expected more from someone who was supposedly a very close friend. But as I do care for her I eventually forgave her and still wanted to be friends.

You forgave her?

Your friend is obviously a deeply patient person, and you obviously mean a lot to her. There's no way I'd put up with a "friend" pulling crap like that. How dare you "forgive" her?

MrSingleton wrote: »

Long story short, later in the night she came up to me and said she wanted to go home and have sex with him, and wanted to know if she did that would it affect our friendship.

Silly girl. Why didn't she just go home and shag his brains out.

MrSingleton wrote: »

Personally I feel that she directly choose a night of meaningless sex,

How do you get to decide how meaningful or meaningless the sex is? That's neither something you can judge nor any of your business.

MrSingleton wrote: »

over our supposed very close friendship.

"Supposedly" is a key word here. She thinks you're her friend, but you aren't much of a friend at all.

MrSingleton wrote: »

I have a lot of very close friends and no one has ever even come near to betraying/disappointing/letting me down me like that.

I have a lot of very close friends and all but two or three of them have sex. Apart from our possibly having a good gossip about it over a cup of coffee, it really doesn't have any effect on the friendship.

If you can't be a good friend, at least have the decency to not blame her for your failings.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, that is all really good advice, I appreciate it.

Jumpy, that is a brillaint description - I think I'll tell it to her

Micamica, I do not wish for her to remain celebate, I just don't want her to score my good mates. What I did not say (cause I had rambled enough) is that over the last month she had been seeing a guy who she met on a night out with me. I did not have a propblem with this - cause I did not know him. I told her I thought he was a nice guy and good luck, but I did not want her to rub it in my face, and she did not do that. She told me 2 weeks ago that she had slept with him (after dating for weeks) and I was fine with it. I just don't want my best mates to be screwing her, particuarily casue it is blindly obvious to everyone it would just be a shag and nothing more, he is not into her, or any girl, for a relationship.

Anyway, she came over this morning and we spent the last hour talking about it (despite my original intentions of not talking to her, but I could hardly turn her away at the door). Turns out she did not sleep with him. I told her everything that I thought. I explained that until I am able to think of her as a friend and nothing more, I just cannot be friends with her, its too tough on me and not fair on her either. Thing is as said above, I don't know if I will ever be able to do this. She got upset and was crying for a while.

I have to to think of myself. I do really like her as a friend and speding time, hanging out, having fun, but do these benefits outweigh the pain and angwish of being as was said above; effectivly tourchered casue I'm yurning for something I'll never get?

Thanks again for your thoughts

Miss Sunshine

centrino wrote: »

To be honest you need to stay as far away as possible from her. Shes just wrecking your head man, if she had any interest in you she wouldnt do this.

I agree. It sounds like she's been messing with your head for a while. If she's known from day one that you were interested in her I feel she should have acted a lot differently. From what you've said she obviolusy spent a good deal of time telling you how great you are, in my opinion, she was leading you on. she knew that this compliments would keep you hanging around and boosting her confidence, also it meant if she ever felt like getting her bit (example) that night you guys kissed, that you be available.

I know this sounds really harsh, but you really should think about distancing yourself from her. She clearly doesn't care for your feelings as much as claims to do that with you r friend after you already made it clear how you felt.



P.S. Just because giys do do similar things to women doesn't mean it's acceptable.

If she had any interest in him? She's said from the start she doesn't. He's acting jealous and possessive about something thats NONE of his business whatsoever, and she's wrecking his head? You must be joking.
OP: it is absolutely none of your business who she sleeps with. Telling you was problably a mistake/thoughtless on her part.

But you have nothing to "forgive" her for. She's not your gf, she isn't going to be, and she can kiss/shag who she wants. Get over it.
if it is this much trouble for you, explain you can't handle being good friends with her and back off a bit.

Gyalist

MrSingleton wrote: »

Sorry this is a but long, but please read, its a good story...

About 4 months ago I met this really great girl - totally my type, and such a nice and cool chick, we really hit it off. I let her know I was interested but she only wanted to be friends. We got very close very quickly hanging out all the time. I really like her as a friend anyway and really enjoy spending time with her, but from her perspective, I am even more special to her, than she is to me! She says she has never had any guy friend like me and honestly sings my praises in every way to an almost embarrassing level. Constantly telling me how cool, funny, smart, fun and just the most amazing guy she has ever met. She tells me and all her friends how she adores me and how glad she is that she has someone like me in her life, and that i "really would make the perfect boyfriend" - but there is just something missing for her, the spark, and although she does find me attractive she just does not fancy me int eh way she needs to fancy a guy to be with them...

She was honest with you right from the start but you thought that by hanging around with her and listening to her and showing her what a great guy you were, you would eventually get into her knickers. Doesn't work like that, I'm afraid. Women know immediately when they meet you if they would sleep with you or not. Now you've ended up in the worst position a straight man could be in: a male girlfriend/orbiter.

We did get together one night and kiss passionately in a club, but for her it was only really a one off thing, someone to kiss for the night etc. Over the next while we had many talks about it but her feelings remain unchanged for me, she only wants to be close friends. Despite trying to forget about her, I cannot get over the fact that she's almost perfect for me, and how great we would be together.

A few months later I brought her out on a night out with some of my friends. She told me she fancied one of my mates. She ended up kissing him - I tried to act like it did not bother me, but she knew I was not happy. She was supposed to be staying in my house that night went home with him, but did not sleep with him - she is the type of girl who would not sleep with a guy without dating him for a few weeks.

Yeah, right. You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard that tune only for the right person to come along and then she can't get out of her clothes quickly enough.

Over the next days we totally had it out and I let her know that doing that upset me and I expected more from someone who was supposedly a very close friend. But as I do care for her I eventually forgave her and still wanted to be friends.

We went out last night, again she was going to be staying in my house. Same place and crowd, and my good mate she kissed last time was there again - but it was obviously assumed nothing would happen, I didn't even feel I had to say it. Long story short, later in the night she came up to me and said she wanted to go home and have sex with him, and wanted to know if she did that would it affect our friendship. I told her it absolutely would, I could not tell her what to do, but I did not want her to do it and it would upset me. She does not want to go out with him, but just fancies his and just wanted to sleep with him that night (I though she did not do this type of thing?). We talked about it for a while, but out opinions did not change. I eventually said that I'm going home and she stayed and (I assume) went home and had sex with him.

So, do you think I am right to be very upset, or do you sympathise with her? Do you think I am being selfish by not letting her go home and shag one of my close mates despite knowing how much it upsets me as it's so obvious I have strong feelings for this gir! Personally I feel that she directly choose a night of meaningless sex, over our supposed very close friendship. I have a lot of very close friends and no one has ever even come near to betraying/disappointing/letting me down me like that. I think I can no longer be friends with someone who does that.

I'd really like to hear your opinions... Thanks

I understand why you are upset especially if you've invested a lot of your time, money and emotions in this girl *BUT* you don't have a right to be upset as she made it clear at the very beginning that she just wanted to be friends with you. It's clear from her behaviour that she doesn't respect you anyway else she wouldn't rub the fact that she was going to sleep with your friend in your face. So the friendship seems very one-sided anyway. Cut back drastically on the time you spend with her and find more productive things to do.

I could explain further where you went wrong, if you can bear to hear it.

AnonoBoy

I don't see why you would hang around with someone that doesn't want you and that you obviously fancy the ass off. It's just torturing yourself unnecessarily.

Until you reach the stage where you can be happy for her going off with someone then you should probably stay away from her. You're not friends because friends don't have to ask each other if it's ok for them to score someone.

If one of my female friends came up to me asking me that I'd laugh in their face and tell them it was absolutely none of my business.

She may hope that you will get over your crush and just be her friend. Or she may like having you around for all the attention you give her. Either way until you get over this idea that she has to respect you by not going off with other guys then you should keep your distance.

yawnstretch

Hey thats a tough story. I don't want to give you advice. Just wanted to say I feel your pain dude. Thanks for sharing

Balmed Out

This girls using you as some sort of ego booster. Ive got plenty of female friends some of whoom ive been with before, when im out with them i dont bother trying to pull just in case id hurt them. But thats because i respect them and value their friendship.

LegacyUser

Thanks dude, talked to a few people about it this morning.

I would feel so bad about totally breaking away and never speaking to her, but perhaps I'll reduce our friend/relationship by 90% and just see or talk to her very occiasionally. We do have a few mutual friends so it can't be avoided really

Your right about the ego booter - cause she s a little down on her self confidence, and I am very good at helping women with this. I have done it with her a little, and she has got benefit from her. I enjoy it it gives me satisfaction. But, I know someone will say it, yes of course in a way I am doing this hopeing it will bring her to me, which it will probably never make any difference.

I'm just going to try to move on and concentrate my efforts on girls who might like me back

St Bill

OP, if she's just a friend, why did you get upset when you thought she was going to sleep with someone? Would you get upset with any of your other friends if the same situation arose?
Saying that, some of her behaviour isn't on. If she doesn't want to go out with you, she shouldn't be leading you on by snogging you especially as she knows how keen you are. And I don't understand why she told you she was going to sleep with your mate, unless she was looking for the go ahead from you so she could do it with a clear conscience? I can understand that wouldn't be a nice situation for you to be in. But unfortunately things like this will keep happening unless, as other posters have said, you distance yourself from her. She's not the perfect girl for you if she's not interested in a relationship, despite the attributes you see in her.

smiles

You are meant to be here friend. That's meant to be pretty unconditional -- but it seems like you are trying to impose your morals (not sleeping around) on her... in particular because you want her all for yourself.

End of the day: If you can't handle her being with other people -- you aren't really her friend, you're just hanging around in the hope of another chance.

Best thing you can do? Either learn to be her (unjudgemental) friend or move away if you can't see past your feelings for her.

Wibbs

Jumpy wrote: »

Gah. What guy hasnt done this at some stage. Dont bother, you will never end up with her, dont torture yourself because she prefers someone else, focus your sights elsewhere.
I know of course you wont listen to a word I say, but you will figure it out for yourself eventually.

Yep pretty much on the money. When you first met she will have placed you in one of a couple of categories. 1) I'd shag him, but wouldn't see a future with him. 2) I'd shag him and would want it to be more serious. 3) I'm not sure if I'd shag him, but I do like him as a person. 4) I wouldn't ever shag him, but I do like him as a person. 5) I wouldn't ever shag him and I don't like him as a person. They're general but pretty much the gist of it. Both men and women do this too though a lot of men may be more along the lines of 1) I'd shag her. 2 I wouldn't. 3) how many pints am I on now.....:D

Women I have found are more likely to keep a guy they know likes them around as an ego boost and indeed some may handle him in such a way to keep his interest and hope up that he may have a chance. Not all women do this, but enough do and we see this issue come up here time and time again. I don't "blame" those women. That's just how they operate. You have to accept that and deal with it. I do lay the blame at the feet of the men. They can see it and still they stick around.

In the OP's case I suspect he fell into category 3. She liked you as a guy. She maybe thought why don't I like him "in that way". To figure this out that's why the night of snogging happened to see if sparks flew. If they had, you wouldn't be writing here. I suspect she in some way wanted there to be more. She realised the spark wasn't there and probably feels a bit guilty about it, hence asking you for permission and all that stuff. She's caught between a rock and a hard place, just as much as you in many ways.

Solution? Hard one. I would say you need to ease up and look elsewhere. Simple as. If you fancy her it'll never be a friendship as there are ulterior motives on both sides. The elephant will always be in the room. Life being the way it is, you could even meet someone else and then she may get the spark for you then. Sods law in operation. All very messy. The only way you can keep the friendship is to lose all hope of being with her and switch off your feelings. Easier said than done.

Overheal

Singleton...

it hurts to see this happening to someone else. I was there quite recently and all I can say is i am a much happier person again, 2 months after no contact. Before then you dont realise how bad its really affecting you: the amount of stress you put yourself through wondering if theyve slept with someone for example. Thats the worst.

You will never get this girl. She will never 'come to her senses' and realise you are the one. You will keep beleiving that for a while, until one day something goes horribly wrong and you find yourselves ready to kill eachother >_> and then you will have your chance to break free and put it behind you. I got my chance and took it. You quickly realise how easily all these feelings you have for the girl just fade, because they aren't real, and they aren't really reciprocated.

Get away from her for a good long while, like a drug you mustn't take.

Wibbs wrote:

Women I have found are more likely to keep a guy they know likes them around as an ego boost and indeed some may handle him in such a way to keep his interest and hope up that he may have a chance. Not all women do this, but enough do and we see this issue come up here time and time again. I don't "blame" those women. That's just how they operate. You have to accept that and deal with it. I do lay the blame at the feet of the men. They can see it and still they stick around.

Thats ok: I'll blame them for you.

Ickle Magoo

Wow! You get to decide who your friends have sex with or throw a strop...eek.:eek: Doesn't really sound like a very healthy friendship to me. You covet her, she tries to bag as many of your mates as she can, you "forgive her" for sleeping with someone who wasn't you & so on...I think you need to break all contact & get over her.

Wagon

Another classic ladder theory scenario.

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Hopefully this will explain a lot and save you a lot more time in the future. As for this situation you've gotten yourself into, there's NOTHING you can do. She sees you as a friend and it will never, ever be anything more than that to her. So cut contact drastically for the time being until your over her, or completely if needs be. Its best for the long run. If you don't and remain being close friends, you'll get more and more jealous every time you see her go off with some other tosser you know is wrong for her (which might happen a lot) until it all blows up one evening and then you both say terrible things and end up hating each other. Save yourself and her the trouble and stop being her teddy bear. Easier said than done but explain it to her rationally. If she's as good a friend as she says to you then she'll understand. If she gets mad, then feck her.

LegacyUser

Yep, you're right. I keep doing this - it's like a curse, but I;ve no one to blame but myself

Think I'll start another thread on avoiding the friends zone

maryjmul

can you please tell me what your friend has done wrong,a cuple of things you have to get through your head,1.she has been nothing but upfront and honest with you she genuinely likes you as a friend and friend only and why she had to ask your permission to stay the night with your pal beggars belief your been very unfair to her as she has never commited herself to you she does not fancy you and with all relationships its the chemistry that keeps them going so dont call or see her for a few weeks in the meantime get out and about and see other friends unfortunately i know it hurts and you cant understand why ?listen this has happened to nearly every single person i know including me put it behind you now dont waste any more time with this in a couple of months youl be glad you did good luck

MagicMarker

Can i ask, does your ''close'' guy friend know about your feelings for her?

If he does, then i would be pissed off at him more so than her. I would never do that to a friend if it were just casual sex.

As for her, knowing that you have feelings for her made it a ****ty thing to do, but she's well entitled to do what she wants. But to echo everyone else's sentiments. You cannot be friends with her, you HAVE to cut contact altogether and move on.

The Sweeper

If you'd really like her feelings for you to progress to the next level, start dating someone. Now. Today. Go out on the pull, find some acceptable shag buddy, and make yourself physically happy in the short term.

Then watch your friend crack it because she suddenly realise she DOES really feel *that way* about you when she sees you with someone else.

...I'm really not kidding here.

RedXIV

I had something fairly similiar to this happen to me before, i met a girl i liked and i spent a year and a half as a "friend", worming my way into her good books before i even got a kiss out of her (oh the naivety!) only to have her decide she didn't want a relationship. and then go straight into one with someone else. UNLIKE the above situation, i kept my mouth shut and and decided that ah well, we were good friends, i'll stay good friends coz she can put in a good word for me with her friends. (logical to any man surely?). We went out seperate ways in college and i got better at talking to women and began to have alot of fun in my social life until she found out about it. as a result, for the last year, she's decided she wants me but that only comes out when she's drunk. oh how the tables have turned :rolleyes:

My advice to OP? stay friends, she may have friends that suit ya, and if not, ya never know, maturity in coming years may make you the guy of her dreams and then you'll be holding all the cards

Edit: Minesajackdaniels has nailed it perfectly, thats how you break down a woman. for some reason, they hate seeing us men having fun

matt-dublin

I've been in this scenario before, a few times and i've stopped letting myself get into that scenario.

Its a commen problem the just friends scenario. You try and show her how much of a good person you are, how well you would be able to look after her etc etc, but at the end of the day most girls aren't into that. they're more interested in the average dickhead.

you put all your time and effort in and they go off scoring a w8nker. then b1tch about it the next day cos he was such a dickhead to her. or longer term he was nice at the start but turned into a prick etc etc. and who's shoulder does she end up crying on??

my advice, cut your losses. she has no intentions of being with you and is using you as an emotional boyfriend. when shes not happy or feeling lonely she makes the effort, when she sees something she wants she drops you like rubbish with no consideration for your feelings.

drop her, if she decides not to use you as an emotional cushion she'll let you know.

best bet move on, if that fails, move on again.

Dont let yourself get into the friends zone, make the move early on, if it fails then become friends but don't become interested emotionally, move onto the next victim like the rest of us.

(easier said than done but much more rewarding)

also if she sees you with someone else it might start a jelousy spark etc, but still dont go back there.

Leslie91

Forget about her... she will never 'be yours'. This is really hard to take right now but it is the truth. U need to try and move on. Make sure to leave the anger behind though, if u bring this with u then there are problems down the road, personal experience u see.

If u need to talk to someone about the anger, do. Do not hesitate. But remember u are not alone. This happens to 95% of blokes I reckon and some women too.

Drift

Tbh OP I don't think you have any great friendship with her. You're "friends" with her only because you want her and she's "friends" with you because it's an ego boost for her to have you around. Simple fact is you're never going to get her and the longer you stay hanging around like some sort of cuddlebitch lapdog the worse you're going to make yourself feel. She'll be very nice to you of course and tell you how great you are but she won't be with you or want to and she definitely won't come to her senses and "realise" how you're perfect for her.

The only way you can make yourself feel better and get on with your life is to move on. Move her from your close circle of friends to one of those people who you happen to bump into the odd time because your friend groups overlap on the odd occasion.

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

If you'd really like her feelings for you to progress to the next level, start dating someone. Now. Today. Go out on the pull, find some acceptable shag buddy, and make yourself physically happy in the short term.

Then watch your friend crack it because she suddenly realise she DOES really feel *that way* about you when she sees you with someone else.

...I'm really not kidding here.

This is completely true but there is one very important caveat. If you are just dating the other girl to make this one jealous it won't work. You actually have to be into this person and enjoy spending time with them. The catch 22 is of course if thats the case you'll no longer want the first girl ... but thats women for ya bud

Bottle_of_Smoke

hmmm. bitch. don't even bother trying to be friends with her. you'll just get pissed off.

Overheal

MrSingleton wrote: »

Think I'll start another thread on avoiding the friends zone

Good luck with that. Its like the game: once you think about it , you've already lost.

PS. I just lost the Game.

PPS dont ask me about the game or you will regret knowing.

not THAT Game: a different game. NOT the one about scoring women.

Ah fukoff Im not telling you.

Irishcrx

Overheal- god damn it now i've lost the game.

Moojuice

Hard luck OP. What most of the replies have said is true, a lot of women will tell you that they arent ready for a relationship or sex etc but will hop into one or someones bed almost as soon as they have said it if they like the guy (the same can be said of any man trying to placate a women who likes him but whom he is not interested in). I used to not believe treat-em-mean-keep-em-keen mantra but from my own experience and having seen it many times it is, alas, true. I am not saying being an asshole, but dont be TOO nice, dont constantly go out of your way to help them or do something for them. A lot of the time it is best to just say NO.

Women, and a lot of men, dont want what they can have, especially if they can have it easily. Break off some contact with her, keep it cool and casual and DO NOT let her know what you are doing. Over time, as happened to REDXVI, she will realise you are no longer fawning over her and will most likely turn around and decide she wants you. This has happened me plenty of times, show no interest in them as a partner or get with someone else and they want you. This also applies to guys, we are no different a lot of the time. IMO it is just a trait more commonly found in women.

skywalker

You cant tell someone whos a friend not to kiss/have sex with whoever they want. She views you as a friend, whereas your viewing her as a girl your interested in.

Only solution is to stop fooling yourself, & stop hanging around with this girl as a friend. Your only going to get hurt. & what your asked of her is unfair, shes made it clear she doesnt want to be with you, shes entitled to be with other people (& do whatever she wants with them).

Also MAJD has a very good point with her post. Nothing will make a girl interested like you suddenly not being available.

SoCute

Your main problem is you have no options with women.

Dazrd

Yep sounds awfully familiar to me had a similar situation 5 or so years ago was really into a girl and she said she was into me too, even her mates loved me and wanted us to get together but she kept me at arms length still I stook with it for a couple of months in the vain hope that something would happen. It didnt and similarly to the author of this thread she ended up with one of my mates leaving me competely gutted pretty much stopped seeing her there and then.

clean break its the only way really

Short and sweet, your crazy to chase someone that would do that on you, espically with one of your friends.

Theres plenty more fish in the sea, chin up!

marthaclark

Sounds to me like you got a really really really cruel reality check.. but I hope you'll start to see it for what it was.

she was a friend.. you are in no position to tell her who she can or can't sleep with. would you behave this way to a male friend? your feelings will cloud any friendship you guys have. you need to get over her.

Cut her out for a while. She doesn't deserve your attention, and you are wasting your time. While you focus on her, someone you actually deserves you might pass you by.

sodrisc

For god's sake, the girl did nothing wrong whatsoever. Is she supposed to stay celibate just cause she doesn't want to shag the OP? She's been clear with him from the beginning, if he didn't accept the friendship on those terms then he should have just stopped being friends with her a long time ago. She didn't even go behind his back when she fancied one of his friends. If she's always out with the OP, she's hardly going to be approached by random guys, so the only ones she gets to meet are the OP's friends, who already know that they are not a couple.
OP sounds like a v controlling character, if the girl has any sense she'll be making the decision to stop being his friend, not the other way around.l

LegacyUser

Why are you obsessing with this celibate thing? I have clearly said I have absolutely no problem with her being with other people – she was with another guy as said above and I was fine with it – cause I did not know him. I simply do not want her sleeping with one of my best mate. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

JDLK

Im sorry mate but you are in the "friend zone" and will never score this girl as long as you are her "mate"- sounds wierd I know but the best thing you can do is admit to yourself that you 2 arent friends in the first place- the only reason you hang around her is because you want to be in a relationship with her not because you want to be her firend. Its a painful lesson we all learn but its time to cut and run mate. Try asking her to set you up with one of her mates.

Wibbs

JDLK wrote: »

the only reason you hang around her is because you want to be in a relationship with her not because you want to be her firend.

Which from her point of view is quite a selfish reason. Understandable too, if one of the main reasons you're around her is because you want knicker access. She'll spot that too and lo and behold you'll be less and less attractive. If she does want to keep you around as an egoboost, you're attractiveness will fall even more. Vicious circle.

Try asking her to set you up with one of her mates.

Yep and as these things go, if you do get with one of her mates her attraction to you will go up. Not always to the point of wanting to jump your bones, but she and the women she knows will respect you more. Do NOT start something with someone else to get a reaction from her though. That's just childish and stupid.

Aseth

OP: think about it as going out with one of your mates, he meets a girl, he wants something more. They go home together. That's exactly the same... except for your 'mate' being a girl.
Plus because she is not your gf you don't really have any right to be jealous.
You better find yourself a girlfriend. And it may be a good idea to stop seeing her for a while.

Gyalist

SoCute wrote: »

Your main problem is you have no options with women.

This is right on the button. If the OP had more options he would care much what his "friend" did.

Tobias Greeshman

Look OP, do yourself a favour and stop seeing so much of this girl. She's going to wreck your head. You'll end up as the bitter twisted friend (and hey you're not far off that already). You can't get over her when you're still hanging out with her, and seeing he go off with other lads is going to just melt your head.

Go out with your other friends and enjoy yourself. Go find other women there's plenty of them out there, and have some fun. And don't go out just to make this girl jealous, that's just stupid, noone like games.

MIN2511

OP i recently had something similar to this, long story shory it is VERY HARD to stay away... find other activities, make new friends, do stuff that don't remind you of her. It is very hard though

goodluck!

Dashticle

Looks like it's been said a lot more eloquently over the last three pages but yeah. You are in 'the friend zone'. Or 'the backup guy'. Broaden your horizons or if you really want to get with her, be with one of her mates.