Maintaining Boundary or Am I Being Selfish?

LegacyUser

I know what I am going to do in this situation but I just want to hear what the rest of you would do if faced with the same dilemma...

My stepfather's uncle recently passed away and I got a phone call this evening from my mother saying "you really should be around" the funeral proceedings. I never met the deceased in my life and he is not direct family member or even a friend. However he is my stepfather's uncle and I do give a damn about my stepfather. His uncle lived in the UK for many years and was not seen that often in recent years. So when I heard the news I said "I'm sorry for your loss" to my stepfather, to which he responded with shrugged shoulders implying that it is indeed a loss, but not something that is not going to change/impact his life to a great degree (as he wasn't really close to the man). My stepfather's mother (the sister of the deceased) is extremely upset and I have already paid my respects to her also.

So this weekend is the funeral. I no longer live at home (hence the call from my mother), and she urged me to "be around". I immediately turned around and told her that I will out of respect for my stepfather pop in, shake hands, pay my respects, but then leave. I said I wasn't devoting my whole weekend to a man that I never met. I have been attending counselling myself for reasons including infringed boundaries issues with other people including my mother, so I decided that I am not going feel obligated to get so emotionally involved this weekend. She instantly became defensive on the phone, saying "Well don't bother coming at all". I said it wasn't an all or nothing scenario, that I would show up at the wake, but perhaps not the funeral. She started to aggrivate me by becoming more defensive so I told her that this notion of "responsibility by proxy" is bull****. I said there is middle ground here, which is what I intend on doing. In the end she sort of U-turned a bit. I said "Most people who are not directly related to the deceased don't feel like they have to be around all the time. Yes it may be more of my stepfather's responsibility, but it's not really yours and certainly not mine to be there for the whole thing". She semi-agreed, but I could tell he was very hurt/upset by what I was saying to her. We ended the conversation then by me saying "I will most likely see ye tomorrow at the wake", to which she responded "that's fine, I understand". Even though I'm fully sure if she actually does understand. I think that the woman probably burst in to tears as soon as she put the phone down, but I don't think I have done anything wrong.

Was I right in maintaining a boundary, or am I being selfish?

My partner really thinks that I'm not being selfish. I have attended 4 funerals already in the last year mostly because I felt obliged and responsible by proxy. This time I just saw an opportunity for history to repeat and decided to make a change on the spot.

SarahSassy

Selfish. He is your stepfather now which equals family. I think you are choosing the wrong time and sitaution to assert your wish for change to your self-imposed circumstances... It wont kill you to spend a few hours at home with your stepfather.. Nobody enjoys attending funerals and we all go because we feel a responsibility either to show our affection for the deceased or our respect to their families.... So you are no different to anyone else in that regard. I amy be wrong but from your post you come across as incredibly self-indulgent and selfish.

January

To be honest, I'd feel a bit uncomfortable paying my respects to someone I did not know and therefore did not respect. Sure, he is your step fathers uncle and you should be ther for your step father at this stage. Maybe spend an hour with your step father and don't go to the funeral??

seahorse

BoundariesGuy wrote: »

Was I right in maintaining a boundary, or am I being selfish?

Yes, you are right in asserting your own personal boundaries, and who gives a damn if it is perceived as selfish by anyone else?

You only have one life, and I know this might be a bit blunt but lets be real about one thing; when you're lying on your own deathbed, how many days would you like to number spent in false mourning over the demise of others?

Mrs OBumble

SarahSassy wrote: »

Selfish. He is your stepfather now which equals family.

Nope. Sensible.

Stepfather is just that ... stepfather, not real father.

Even if you're close to your stepfather (not just respecting him, but actually having a close bond), it's still only his uncle who's died, not his own father.

The only exception would be if your stepfather didn't have anyone to support him on the day, and you've not given us any clues about that ... except that it sounds like your mother will be there.

I bet she's just worried about what other family members might think, not what your stepfather might think.

SarahMc

It really depends, has this step uncle any children? Who are the chief mourners? Although in Ireland we have moved on in terms of blended families, steps, etc. The protocol of funerals stay the same. Family are expected to be there, both first and second removed. What else are you doing this weekend that is more important?

BTW attending 4 funerals a year isn't a big deal.

seahorse

Personally I have never attended the funeral of somebody I've never laid eyes on, and to be honest I cannot imagine why anyone would. That sounds like grief tourism to me. Four funerals in a year is a hell of a lot to cope with if you loved the people who died; if you didn't, why the hell would you be there?

The OP has already paid his respects to his step-father; so in my view there is no need for him to put on some sort of sham charade for the sake of his mother, who is clearly in an unreasonable mood.

LegacyUser

I make a habit of not going to funerals unless I really want to.

I suggest you do the same and not ponder on it any further.

Go to the wake if needed, I would say making small talk and handing out sandwiches is where your mother might need a bit of help, which is really what it's all about. Not whether you appear at a mans funeral you didnt know.

iguana

I'd consider it selfish. We don't just go to funerals to pay respect to those we have lost. We also go to support people we love if they have lost someone. A number of my friends have had parents who have died, and though I've never met their parent I went to the funeral to support my friend. And all of them have appreciated having their friends there.

If your step-father and you have a loving relationship you should be there to support him. It also sounds as if your mother is upset to see her husband hurting and as if she too could do with your presence and support.

niceoneted

I have had an uncle die in the past and I did not attend the funeral and neither did my parents request that I go, put pressure on me to go or question that I wasn't there. They didn't do this to any member of the family as they see us as old enough to be able to make up our own minds.
I certainly if I were in your step fathers position expect you to be there all teh time and as you suggest and if it is convenient you could drop by. I feel you have already paid your respects and I am sure you will be there in future days/weeks if needed for a little support or comfort whereas others will flock to the hills after putting in a great appearance at the funeral.
Stick to your guns and do what you feel is right for you.

Overheal

Depends on your step parent to be honest. I had a stepmother that was never married into the family and she more than earned the title. My stepfather married into the family and - no, we just never clicked. He's just a guy married to my mom.

OP you know the situation better than anyone. You can change your mind at any stage before the funeral so just go with the flow.

greenkittie

What is it with Irish people always wanting everyone with even the most vaugest connection to the dead person to attend the funeral? Its awfully strange in my opinion. There is no way you should go to this funeral, you never met the guy, he dosn't even really exist to you! I think you are being very good going home to show your face for your stepfather, there is no need to do anything more than that.

Jack B. Badd

iguana wrote: »

I'd consider it selfish. We don't just go to funerals to pay respect to those we have lost. We also go to support people we love if they have lost someone. A number of my friends have had parents who have died, and though I've never met their parent I went to the funeral to support my friend. And all of them have appreciated having their friends there.

If your step-father and you have a loving relationship you should be there to support him. It also sounds as if your mother is upset to see her husband hurting and as if she too could do with your presence and support.

+1

I've been to a number of funerals where I had never met the person who died but they were special to a friend or family member of mine. Whether you knew them or not, the body in the coffin is well beyond caring about whether or not you attend. You go to funerals to support the survivors.

Talliesin

If your step-father was more upset about it I'd say you should go.

If your step-father later gets hit by more grief than he currently expects then I'd say you should try to be there for him if and when that happens.

Other than that, I don't think it's so much a matter of boundaries. Whether to attend a funeral, a wake, or both or neither is a matter of how well you know the deceased, how well you know the survivors, whether you're perhaps representing another group of people (e.g. if you were the only member of that branch of the family that could go it would be good to go to represent all of them) and so on that we tend to just decide in a rather intuitive way.

Since you do have boundary issues though, you're trying to deal with them as well as you can. There isn't a good way to judge how you did, but about the best you can do is compare it to how someone with no boundary issues would behave. There's no single correct answer to this question, but I think plenty of people with no such issues would have behaved in the same way.

LegacyUser

We don't just go to funerals to pay respect to those we have lost. We also go to support people we love if they have lost someone.

Which of course means that you attend the funerals of people you have never met. I have often attended the funerals of parents of friends, although I didn't know the older people directly.

How Strange

OP for the most part I agree with your sentiments. You will be present over the weekend out of respect for your step-father. You really can't be expected to do any more than that.

Unfortunately this situation seems to have become similar to whatever issues you've had in the past whereby you are undergoing counselling now and it seems that your reaction has been affected by those past incidents I don't really know if its possible for it not to be connected but it has stirred up some feelings in you.

IMO, and as someone who has 'infringement' issues with my own mother, I think she was asking a disproportionate amount from you in the context of the situation (an uncle your sf wasn't really close to and who you never met). I think she has reverted to her old ways and you are in a position where you are trying to disentangle yourself from that old relationship with her.

It is unfortunate that this funeral has reverted to type for you but I think you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. I'm sure your sf will appreciate your presence over the weekend when you are there and realise that you did it out of affection for him.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think you know yourself how much support your step-father wants from you & how much you can give. I wasn't raised a Catholic so I don't have much experience of removals, wakes, etc but I've been to funerals of people I didn't know to support those who had lost, sent a wreath or just a card depending on my relationship to those grieving & the person who passed.

I'm not sure I approve of anyone calling an adult & telling them how they should behave, it would probably only make me more resolute.

kelle

I was in a similar situation. In 2004, I lost 4 beloved family members including both my parents. Not long after, I got a text from a distant relative living on the other side of the country informing me her nephew was killed in a car crash. I sent her back a text sympathising with her, and was genuinely upset about her loss (it was on the news at the time). A few weeks later, I got an irate phone call from her demanding why I, nor any of my aunties, did not attend her nephew's funeral. This knocked me for six as I didn't know this young man, plus I had already endured four untimely deaths in a short length of time and the horror of the subsequent funerals, plus I had 2 small children and nobody to mind them so I could make a 4-hour journey to attend this tragic young man's funeral.
I have not been in contact with this relative since.
OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable or selfish.

smiler26

It depends on your relationship with your stepfather - if you have a decent one, then I would say you should attend. If it's not so good, and you don't feel like you want to support him through this difficult time, then you're perfectly ok not to attend.