Short Ending --- Feedback Please.

skateing dragon

Hey, this is an ending to a story (a pretty long story) that I have started writing. I'm planning on making it into a book, but that's just an idea. This is the end of the story and this is the first part that came to me so I just had to write it down. It's been a challenge writing from the end back because I need to make sure it goes where I want it to so it ties to the ending but would really appreciate feedback.


WHY?

“Why’d you do it Dad?” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I had been asking myself this question for years and I had finally plucked up the courage to ask the man himself. He knew what I was talking about; I could see it in his eyes. The deceitful glare that I noticed all these years since the day I found out. He took another drag of the poisonous pastime and inhaled its intoxicating smoke but as exhaled the cancerous cloud he looked straight into my eyes. All his focus was on me, all mine on him, the surrounding sounds muted and everything became a blur but him.
“Because, I could.” My heart plummeted, my breathing slowed, and the world began to spin. I was sickened, disgusted, furious and outraged by his chauvinistic arrogant response. My life became a battleground, every night lead to another outburst of drunken rage and abuse, my family was forever shattered and destroyed, my life was shattered and destroyed. I had fallen to the depths of hell and suffered in its fiery pits for the entirety of my childhood all because “he could”. At this very moment it became clear, no it became fact that my father never did and never will care about me or my life. He put me through years of misery without an ounce of regret or remorse. My body filled with anger, every ounce of me wanted to reach out and kill him. I wanted so much for him to feel half the pain he put me through but all I did was laugh. I laughed and shook my head at him. He obviously wasn’t expecting this reaction either because he had that same look he had on his face when I first discovered and confronted him about his petty little affair. I laughed and continued to laugh. I picked up my bag and with practised bravado, I walked away. I walked away from not a father, nor a man nor a human being. I walked away from an empty vessel, a walking shadow set out to hurt everything and everyone in its life. I walked away from Evil itself.

hypercrawl

skateing dragon wrote: »

Hey, this is an ending to a story (a pretty long story) that I have started writing. I'm planning on making it into a book, but that's just an idea. This is the end of the story and this is the first part that came to me so I just had to write it down. It's been a challenge writing from the end back because I need to make sure it goes where I want it to so it ties to the ending but would really appreciate feedback.


WHY?

“Why’d you do it Dad?” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I had been asking myself this question for years and I had finally plucked up the courage to ask the man himself. He knew what I was talking about; I could see it in his eyes. The deceitful glare that I noticed all these years since the day I found out. He took another drag of the poisonous pastime and inhaled its intoxicating smoke but as exhaled the cancerous cloud he looked straight into my eyes. All his focus was on me, all mine on him, the surrounding sounds muted and everything became a blur but him.
“Because, I could.” My heart plummeted, my breathing slowed, and the world began to spin. I was sickened, disgusted, furious and outraged by his chauvinistic arrogant response. My life became a battleground, every night lead to another outburst of drunken rage and abuse, my family was forever shattered and destroyed, my life was shattered and destroyed. I had fallen to the depths of hell and suffered in its fiery pits for the entirety of my childhood all because “he could”. At this very moment it became clear, no it became fact that my father never did and never will care about me or my life. He put me through years of misery without an ounce of regret or remorse. My body filled with anger, every ounce of me wanted to reach out and kill him. I wanted so much for him to feel half the pain he put me through but all I did was laugh. I laughed and shook my head at him. He obviously wasn’t expecting this reaction either because he had that same look he had on his face when I first discovered and confronted him about his petty little affair. I laughed and continued to laugh. I picked up my bag and with practised bravado, I walked away. I walked away from not a father, nor a man nor a human being. I walked away from an empty vessel, a walking shadow set out to hurt everything and everyone in its life. I walked away from Evil itself.

Too many words, badly collected.

I'd suggest recording yourself reading your prose; it'll help you strip out the fat language and give you a better grasp on the character.

aimsir_te

"He took another drag of the poisonous pastime "

ouch!

by the way....how do you "quote" in here?

skateing dragon

Ok, thanks for the feedback.

And aimsir, what do you mean by ouch?

aimsir_te

I dont think you need to say things like 'poisonous pastimes' when you mean smoking....thats not literary.