I need advice

lala land

I'm a lesbian in a relationship of 8 years. I recently got in touch with an old friend. My partner got really jealous, this friend was also the first girl I feel attracted to, and still am, she knows that I like her but she's straight. The other day I had a fight with my partner and inmediatly my friend told me to go spend the weekend with her, which I didn't because I got back together with my girl. The thing is that when my friend told me to go to her house she kind of gave me the "green light" with her, which I wasn't expecting. But know that things are all right with my partner, my friend has been a bit cold when I call her. She told me something like that she doesn't want to be "the other woman" or anything like that, I never intented her to be that, for me it was just a "physical curious thing" nothing more. But with her saying that got me a bit confused so I asked her if she had any feelings for me, she just said that she cares a lot about me and that "you never know"... Now I feel desperate, I can't stop thinking about her, and I feel bad because I'm in this wonderful relationship but I have someone else on my head. I really don't want to stop being friends with her, she's very important to me as a friend. And I don't want to risk the relationship I'm in right now just to try things with my friend and see if it works, I can't do that either. I'm suffering, please help!:(

lushballs

If you are seriously committed to your partner you need to end your relationship with your friend. Literature on affairs, and what behaviours lead to them, strongly recommends ending these types of relationships. You are not 100% transparent with your partner so you are entering the 'danger zone'. Do not disrespect your partner of 8 years. You have 2 choices end your relationship with your partner to explore relationship with friend further or continue relationship with partner and end relationship with friend.

Redscrapbook

You need to ask yourself what is missing with your life partner and what
attract you to your friend is worth risking relationship with your life
partner of 8 years?

I was given this by my good friend on my recent difficulties. I'll just copy
and paste as below...lets hope you'll come to a decision. Thanks to John
Francis Leader (www.advice.ie) with his advice as below:

If a person thinks the human mind and emotions are capable of being
complex then they are correct, but how much more so when more than one
person is involved. It can be hard enough to know how we ourselves are
feeling at a given moment, what to speak of interpret what the actions
of others actually signify to them.

That being said, people are gifted in a way that can let them really
identify with other people. This relating happens by default, its
something we don't need to try to do, it happens automatically.
However that doesn't mean it can't be blocked.

Your interest seems to be to have some resolution to this whole
situation by rekindling your relationship, or at very least knowing
where you stand either way. This is understandable, as uncertainty can
be an uncomfortable thing. The way to achieve this, as you quite
rightly suggested, is communication. That leaves the question of how
to communicate what you want to say.

I would suggest that although the method of communication is
important, what you are communicating is far more important. I would
urge you to assess the situation in a clear-minded way to discover
firstly why you in fact want to contact her in the first place. You
surely have a general sense of why this is, but by being more specific
you'll find it easier to proceed.

Try taking a pen and paper (actually writing will be more effective
than using a computer for this exercise) and make two columns. Label
one with a plus sign +, and the other with a minus sign -. Having done
this take a deep breath and focus on all the reasons you want a
relationship, of whatever type, with this person. List these reasons
and also any of the person's qualities that come to mind.

Next look at the minus column. Take another deep breath and focus on
all the things you don't like about this person, including any actions
they took you may not have agreed with. Now go ahead and list them on
the minus side.

Now that you have both lists, an an overview of what you like and
don't like about that person its time to compare sides. Go ahead and
start by looking at what you like about them, and weigh up if you feel
what you don't like about them is enough to exceed what you do like
about them. If you genuinely feel there is that much about them that
you don't like, more so than what you do like, then it may be wise to
question the future of a relationship with this person.

If on the other hand the plus column exceeds the minus column, then
you have to ask yourself an even more important question: 'Assuming
they never change, am I willing to respect this person anyway and be
in a relationship with them for who they are?'. If the answer to this
is no then, once again, it may be a good idea to question the long
term future of a relationship with this person.

If the answer is yes however, then you know that you are sincere in
your interest in this person. The simplest truth about relationships
is also the most difficult and it is as follows. The key to a
successful relationship is one of caring about the other person
regardless of how they care for you. Now that of course does not mean
you should stay with a person who is bad to you in any way, but it
does mean that if a person is in a relationship for what they get from
the other person things can easily go wrong as that is business rather
than love. It's not to say everyone isn't guilty of it to some degree,
but it should at least be our aim to simply focus on the other
person's qualities and support them in a non-condescending way in any
of their weaknesses.

Of course if everyone in the world saw relationships like this then
there would be perfect harmony but it's worth remembering that to the
degree we do see things in this way, which is learned by practice, to
that degree our relationship; romantic, friendship, family etc, will
be a success.

As for your next step, now that you have taken the time to explore
your perceptions of this person, try doing a role reversal in your
imagination. Imagine that you are this person and what has happened
has just happened. Imagine this person genuinely cares and is going to
make a move to communicate with you again. How would you want her to
go about it? By what method should she contact you, what should she
say?

You already have the answers because nobody has the relationship with
this person that you do. Question your motivations, decide what you
want for yourself and be sincere in what you do and the rest will
happen automatically.

DubArk

lushballs wrote: »

You have 2 choices end your relationship with your partner to explore relationship with friend further or continue relationship with partner and end relationship with friend.

I agree!!
I’ll cut to the chase. Either you’re committed to your 8yr relationship or not. Your partner had good reason to be jealous.

Is it worth throwing away for a fling? :eek: