Advice about Other Half

LegacyUser

Hello

I'm looking for some advice about my partner. We've been married for nine years, and together for 11.

When we were first together/married we both had similiar level jobs, but due to stress he took redundancy a few years ago (2003) and since then has not managed to hold down a job for more than probably six months, and spent several long periods unemployed.

I've worked all that time and moved up a little.

Currently he hasn't worked since last September, as he was waiting for confirmation on his dream job so to speak, which fell through six weeks ago.

Whilst he was waiting I asked him several times to apply for social welfare so he'd have some money coming in, he lied three times about applying and eventually applied three months after he finished his last contract, the lies were fairly elaborate with lots of embellishment, and as a result of the lies he lost out on three months social welfare (not a massive amount of money, but still )

Then once he had confirmation that the dream job had fallen through, he agreed to look for another job. That was six weeks ago, and he's not applied for a single one. He's not great with pc's so I've set him up with logins to the usual job sites, and shown him how to use them, and set up searches, but still he doesn't and he won't even try for any employment locally.

Added to this, he refuses to tell his family the truth and they think he is still working.

He decided whilst he was waiting for the dream job to do some work on the house (painting/decorating) and for Christmas I asked for two rooms to be painted (literally, I said "For Christmas, I would like room x and y to be painted by you for me")

They are still not done lol

I find myself getting very angry that I am working fairly hard and coming home to someone who is not working, appears to do very little during the day and just doesn't seem to bother.

He's fairly demanding in terms of what I achieve, he sulked last time I changed jobs as I took a job at a salary of 2% less than what he felt I should be getting.

Am I being unreasonable here in expecting him to go and look for a job?
I'm not expecting a super duper job of any kind, just a job where he can work, contribute to the house etc?

JuliusCaesar

Sounds like he's in denial. But he needs a reality check. No, you are not unreasonable. What's stopping him looking for jobs? Is he afraid of failure/being inadequate? Is this why he refuses help and won't tell his family?

tbh, you've put up with this a long time now. maybe he just sees it now as the status quo. You work, you earn, you do the chores....he watches tv. (ok maybe i'm extrapolating too much here)

marthaclark

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

Sounds like he's in denial. But he needs a reality check. No, you are not unreasonable. What's stopping him looking for jobs? Is he afraid of failure/being inadequate? Is this why he refuses help and won't tell his family?

tbh, you've put up with this a long time now. maybe he just sees it now as the status quo. You work, you earn, you do the chores....he watches tv. (ok maybe i'm extrapolating too much here)

i agree with this.. it sounds like classic avoidance to me..

not the personality disorder.. but maybe it's just a trait that's part of his personality.. or something that's been brought on by a THIRD FACTOR

If I was you I would look for the third factor.. depression? apathy? restlessness?

You should talk to him about it, I know that's pretty obvious advice. But there's something more than laziness going on, that much is obvious.

LegacyUser

He claims he's not depressed, and is fed up being stuck at home, he did previously have a bout of depression and had treatment and seemed to snap out of it.

He refuses to discuss the entire situation in any depth, I've tried that for four weeks, and it either ends in him committing to looking for a job, or if the talk is more from annoyance on my part, he answers "no comment", or "I don't know" when asked a question.

It has developed very much into a situation where I am responsible for everything financial, yet whilst he doesn't work, even the smallest error/slip up on my part is commented upon, usually in a negative manner be it about money, paperwork, how I look, basically anything that can be criticised, is.

He is probably fearful, as he tends to be fearful of practically everything (that was the excuse for not claiming social welfare, he was "afraid" of the staff in the dole office), and given his job history he is probably afraid of failure, but he won't admit that.

I do know he's envious of me and what he percieves as the apparent ease with which I navigate my work life, and the salary I earn etc etc and possibly he feels he will never match up to it, but he has been told repeatedly by me that it's not an issue, I've never been one to not share in terms of money etc.

Sherifu

Pride/Embarrassment/Laziness - take your pick. From your post he sounds quite selfish and hypocritical. He needs a kick in the ass.

scoot on

To be perfectly honest, and to put it completely bluntly, i'd lose the plot if I was going out with him.
Relationships are all about compromise. Fine he's having a bad time work wise and his dream job fell through, i'd be completely sympathetic to this. I think it's hard when you don't really know what you want to do. BUT, he should be helping you around the house.
When myself and my boyfriend moved in together I was in college and working part time. He was working full time and therefore bringing in more money. I used to do most of the housework for the simple reason that I was at home more than him. That lasted for about 2 years. Since then, i've graduated and gone on the try and progress my career. Now i'm earning slightly more than he is and doing longer hours. He now does practically all the day to day stuff around the house. When I get home he normally has dinner on unless he's had a tough day himself.
I'm really ambitious work wise whereas he isn't. We've talked about him giving up work in a few years time when we're financially stable and i'd have no problem with that because I know he'd do everything around the house while i'm out working.
You shouldn't have to put up with your fella being lazy. And to me that's what he is. If you're working he should be making life easier at home.

LegacyUser

He does do housework, day to day stuff, washing, and cleaning, I'd do the rest, ironing, tidying, the bigger weekly cleans.

Can't remember the last time he made dinner during the week, he does occasionally do it at the weekend.

marthaclark

scoot on wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, and to put it completely bluntly, i'd lose the plot if I was going out with him.
Relationships are all about compromise. Fine he's having a bad time work wise and his dream job fell through, i'd be completely sympathetic to this. I think it's hard when you don't really know what you want to do. BUT, he should be helping you around the house.
When myself and my boyfriend moved in together I was in college and working part time. He was working full time and therefore bringing in more money. I used to do most of the housework for the simple reason that I was at home more than him. That lasted for about 2 years. Since then, i've graduated and gone on the try and progress my career. Now i'm earning slightly more than he is and doing longer hours. He now does practically all the day to day stuff around the house. When I get home he normally has dinner on unless he's had a tough day himself.
I'm really ambitious work wise whereas he isn't. We've talked about him giving up work in a few years time when we're financially stable and i'd have no problem with that because I know he'd do everything around the house while i'm out working.
You shouldn't have to put up with your fella being lazy. And to me that's what he is. If you're working he should be making life easier at home.

i would love your relationship. i know that's kind of off topic!!

I guess if something doesn't change, the OP might be settling for less than she deserves.. so yeah.. this is useful advice.

ballymary

you are not being unreasonable...it is not unreasonable to expect him to get a job...but it does sound like he is depressed?? would that explain having to leave the initial job and lack of motivation in getting another? if you said he had depression before, it is likely that it could be again...even if he snapped out of it before-that was then and work pressure and the pressure of finding a new job may be too much for him. also, being a man-pride is not allowing him to tell family or apply for jobs locally...and all of this is putting stress (both emotional and financial) on you...its hard to know what to do if hes denying he has depression or is refusing to talk about the situation (why do men do that??) are there any friends or family members in the picture that he may listen to??

LegacyUser

No to be honest, his mum knows he had depression, but only a year later.

None of his friends and he has several know that he ever suffered depression, which means I then end up bridging the gap in terms of the reality and what they are told/believe.

I know it's awful but I've given him a time frame in which to move on and also told him clearly that if it doesn't happen then he will be moving out.

rosarosa

disilva wrote: »

No to be honest, his mum knows he had depression, but only a year later.

None of his friends and he has several know that he ever suffered depression, which means I then end up bridging the gap in terms of the reality and what they are told/believe.

I know it's awful but I've given him a time frame in which to move on and also told him clearly that if it doesn't happen then he will be moving out.

disilva, I was in much the same situation as you a few years ago. At the time I was in college and money was very tight and we were just managing to scrape by on some money I had inherited. You are right to give him an ultimatum, but I would caution that you give some deep thought as to why you are with your husband in the first place. My own feelings are that he has little confidence in his abilities and has become complacent about the situation, especially as you are keeping things afloat. perhaps the better you do, the more inadequate he feels?
From my own experience, I knew deep down that my husband felt somewhat inferior to me because he hadn't a university education. It was a very difficult battle, but he went back to school, and things changed drastically after that. well, we still didn't have lot of money, but our relationship improved. after all, a relationship is 90% friendship, and a friend should be able to give support and advice, even when the situation is not very friendly.
About the social welfare, I think that he probably held out as he felt it would be an admission of defeat on his part regards being able to support a wife and child. these are just my thoughts though, and I could be wrong.

I know it is hard to maintain respect for a person when they keep disappointing you, but if you still have enough feelings for him (as a partner), be strict about him leaving, but make him understand this is your way of being a caring friend, just in case he gets the wrong idea about things.

jimmycrackcorm

I think the OP is being sexist in expecting the man to be working. There are plenty of couples in the country where the man is the bread-winner and the woman stays at home for housework and the like.

LegacyUser

disilva, I was in much the same situation as you a few years ago. At the time I was in college and money was very tight and we were just managing to scrape by on some money I had inherited. You are right to give him an ultimatum, but I would caution that you give some deep thought as to why you are with your husband in the first place. My own feelings are that he has little confidence in his abilities and has become complacent about the situation, especially as you are keeping things afloat. perhaps the better you do, the more inadequate he feels?
From my own experience, I knew deep down that my husband felt somewhat inferior to me because he hadn't a university education. It was a very difficult battle, but he went back to school, and things changed drastically after that. well, we still didn't have lot of money, but our relationship improved. after all, a relationship is 90% friendship, and a friend should be able to give support and advice, even when the situation is not very friendly.
About the social welfare, I think that he probably held out as he felt it would be an admission of defeat on his part regards being able to support a wife and child. these are just my thoughts though, and I could be wrong.

I know it is hard to maintain respect for a person when they keep disappointing you, but if you still have enough feelings for him (as a partner), be strict about him leaving, but make him understand this is your way of being a caring friend, just in case he gets the wrong idea about things.

Thanks for your reply (and I've forgotten up to now to thank everyone, it's all given me food for thought) I do care about my husband, and would like him to be happy (which I know he is not) and to value himself (which I don't believe he does), he's not got much about himself that he considers worthy of valuing (that's just my opinion)

I do think despite him denying it and saying that he is terribly proud of me, that he does feel inferior because of my career ( I am a bit of a workaholic, I've more than trebled my salary since we met, not that that means anything much) and at this point my OH could never hope to earn what I do given the differences in our cv's.

I do think he feels a lack of impetus to contribute as we do manage on my salary, and I do think he wonders what's the point of him earning when it will be maybe a third of what I do. I also think that part of the reason why he is so critical is a bit of a ****ed up way of wanting me to be the best I can be.

I was pondering all of this today, and if we were to split up, I know that I can afford to buy him out of his share of our house, so he won't be penniless. He has a dreadful habit of enojying my career success and basking in it with his family and friends, almost as if it's his.

That aside, I wonder what he'd do for support psychologically, and how he would cope to admitting to another "failure" i.e. that of his marriage, be it temporary or not.

At the moment I find it hard to see him as anything but a burden, work is a welcome blessing (and I've always enjoyed my work) but it's becoming an escape.

He would like to move on and progress and get a qualification (and start progressing in one definitive career path) and has made some small steps in that direction, but the course he wants to do isn't until October, and another six months of what I've put up with and I'll crack up.

I also think he's afraid of me, he's never seen me not able to cope with anything, and we've had our fair share of problems over the 11 years, which I've always tended to sort out, so I wonder if he percieves that I and will cope with anything, and ergo he is being trivial with his percieved "minor" fears and worries, which is a bit of a catch 22.

He however needs at least to talk, again thinking about it today, I've not got much to lose compared to what he would lose in terms of how we would both percieve the losses if that makes sense. Today he's more or less pretended last nights conversation didn't happen and is back to being the solicitious husband with no reference at all to the conversation.

Thanks again, I think what I've most gotten out of posting here, has been my own realisation that however things go, I can cope, and accept whatever decision I make, I can accept it.