Should I finish things...?

WhatToDoMarch08

Hi

I've been going out with my boyfriend now for over 4 years and I love him very much. About a year ago I saw a flirty message on his phone to another girl and I confronted him about it. I knew there was something up with him because he was a bit wierd with me for a while before that. He swore that nothing had happened between them and that he was only texting as a bit of flirty because he was getting a bit freaked out about the whole long term thing... After that we made a big effort to improve things and everything has been great for the last year.

However.... recently he has been a bit wierd again and I confronted him about it and he reckons he's just getting a bit freaked about things again but that he does love me and just wants a bit of space sometimes. He assures me that there is nothing going on with anyone else. I do know however that he has been texting another girl (who is a good bit younger...) a lot over the last while but I really don't think anything has happened - she lives in Dublin. He doesn't know I know this though and I really don't want to tell him I checked it...

I told him that I have been thinking of breaking up because I don't want the idea of being in a relationship where the feelings are not mutual - I really love this guy but don't think he loves me in the same way.

I know I may be asking a lot but I want to make sure that I am in a stable relationship - I don't mind a bit of hard work every once in a while but I really don't want to think that my boyfriend is flirting with some girl every once in a while who thinks he's going to split up with me for her. (I was that girl before with him...)

Any suggestions as to what I should do?? I really don't want to loose him but I'm not sure if it's for the best......

Sherifu

Drop him.

Colonel_McCoy

You dont deserve to be treated like that................ditch him

WhatToDoMarch08

WhatToDoMarch08 wrote: »

Hi

I know I may be asking a lot

Not really! I would be pretty put-out if my girlfriend was sending and/or receiving these texts...

RuailleBuaille

I think if you're checking his phone to catch him out then you already know what shape your relationship is in. Don't let him make a thick of you, texts are not the issue, it's the intention behind them. He wants the best of both worlds. If that doesn't appeal to you, well therein lieth your answer. Good luck.

suimhneas

sorry to say this but its already over you dont trust him and with good reason went tru the same thing last year and i know you think you love him but he is hurting you over and over again and its not going to get better

WhatToDoMarch08

I don't know the content of the texts this time though, they might be innocent..... I don't want to throw away the best thing in my life on something I might be imagining...

Loopy

It does sound like he wants out tbh.

Be straight with him and tell how u feel, as u mentioned if his love is not reciprocated u dont want to be with him so u need to be strong and walk away.

How about taking a break for a while and see how u feel, u will both know after a month or so if its meant to be...

AngryBadger

How is it that you know about this other girl without his knowledge?

From the limited information you're giving here it sounds like he's not as comfortable with things as you are, and that you don't trust him.

I'd say ye should break up, you don't trust him, and he doesn't seem to be ready for...well I don't know, where do you go after 4 years in a relationship where you don't trust your partner, and he's not sure he's ready for the committment that apparently he's been a part of for 4 years already....the mind boggles.

djk1000

It's give and take in my opinion. Talk to him, tell him that his conduct is unacceptable, but give him the bit more "space" he is looking for. Maybe he just feels a bit smothered. A few more hours to do his own thing every now and again might stop him freaking out.

I flirt with girls a bit and my girlfriend flirts with guys, it's a natural thing that makes us feel good about ourselves, makes us feel attractive. So long as you're open about it and it goes no further than that, then why not?

Of course, if it goes any further than a bit of innocent flirting (like secretive texts) then that has to stop.

Susannahmia

I say drop him before he has the chance to drop you. I know it's easier said than done though.

Redpunto

Sorry if youve answered this already but what age is he? Either he wants to be in a relationship with you or not and if hes arsing on about "needing space"...thats bollox.

Wibbs

looptheloop wrote: »

It does sound like he wants out tbh.

Or he wants to keep the status quo going and have the flirty texts etc with the other woman.

How about taking a break for a while and see how u feel, u will both know after a month or so if its meant to be...

Could be a plan. The only problem is that the suggestion of a break may make him up his game, but only until it goes back to normal. Very bloke thing. I know I've done it. That said a break may make him come clean about his intentions.

BTW I don't think you're over reacting to the texts. Set boundaries, but try to do it in a non emotional non confrontational way. The second he sniffs your about to get emotional, he'll clam up and dismiss it as trivial "woman" stuff. Sad but true in most cases.

Stick you ground on this though, one way or another. If he can see this upsets you and does nada about it, then he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

marthaclark

he obviously doesn't love or respect you the way you love and respect him.

i know that sounds harsh.. but you deserve better.

you should get what you give in a relationships. sounds to me like you're the one doing all the hard (emotional) work.

you can't do his work for him. let him go and figure out what he wants. in the mean time.. try your best to get over him.

Ishindar

from what u say OP sounds like this guy views u as an accessory girlfriend. hes always on the look out for a better accessory and working on it.
as u say he dumped another girl for u in the past etc. it doesnt sound like he has a mature attitude to relationships.
i would advise u to write down all the things that are important to u in a relationship and your future progression in it, in bullet points. then have a long chat with him and get his honest opinions on these things and be frank with him about backing up his words with action! words are cheap! its perfectly normal to nail down solid direction and understanding in a mature relationship so if hes evasive u have your answers. good luck and hope it works out!

tbh

he's being very disrespectful of you OP, especially since you've already explained your feelings on this type of thing. What he's doing is proving he'll only take your feelings into consideration as long as it doesn't get in the way of what he wants. At the end of the day, my suspicion is that this guy will only ever be as faithful as his options allow. You sound to this neutral like you've given him every chance to be with you, if it's not worth that much to him, you probably know yourself what that means. I'm sorry for you, you sound really nice from the post.