Kids overnight problems

gcgirl

I thought i had sorted out a problem with ex concerning kids ! The 3 kids went to stay in there daddy's from Friday to Sunday as far as i guessed it was him(living on his own) and the kids staying at house little did i know he had male lodger living in one room and moved in girlfriend whom he has be seeing for 1 to 2 months. this is in 2 bed house i did not have a clue till eldest daughter told me she is 7 her brother nearly 4 and youngest daughter 2, he did not tell me anything what so ever concerning lodgers! he bought the house so he could take kids!
but when i heard about the 2 lodgers i kind of was surprised the 4/7 year olds slept on the couch with 2 strangers under the same roof i do not know these people at all and he knows how i feel about introducing partners to the kids i think anything over 9 months is acceptable not someone you barly know sleeping with their father! I told him that i did not like set up and he basically flipped saying its none of my business who lives in his house and i am like of course it is they are my kids as well!
The guy is being totally unreal and i am so bloody feb up with his attitude
Am i in the wrong and over reacting or is he being the one who's bad !!
Thanks
M

TequilaMockingBird

He's out of order. You must have been very upset. Its not appropiate, imo, to have 3 little kids staying for three nights with strangers in the house, and not even having their own bedroom.

If it was me, I would have flipped.

How would he feel if the kids slept on your sofa, with your new bf in your bed and a male friend renting their bedroom?

TheNog

How long are ye split up? Does your ex know this male lodger prior to moving in?

gcgirl

TheNog wrote: »

How long are ye split up? Does your ex know this male lodger prior to moving in?

Last july moved out of house and shacked up with slovakian ndid not know guy who rent room prior

King of Kings

as a guy in similar situation (albeit with 1 kid and no gf , at the mo, and lodger has since gone)

actually he is far from out of order.

he is entitled to see and move whoever he likes into his house.
He as their dad , he is entitled to judge , when he is in charge, who is suitable around his kids,

also you are quick to say he is only seeing the gf 1/2 months....how do you know? does he tell you his every move?

he is entitled to rebuild his life , independently of you and you have to trust his judgment or go the legal route to prove the kids are in danger.
He is not bound by your viewpoint on what is good or proper as he is their dad.

Am I happy with everything my ex does around my son? no. Is she happy with everything I do? prob not.
Have I vetted or met her bf....no....she's never met any of mine.
I understand i've not right to impose on her during her time with my son.

incidentally I notice he takes them all weekend. . does he get a social life so?

Jackz

The 2 small children hardly feel it's normal to spend every weekend sleeping on a couch?

SarahMc

"incidentally I notice he takes them all weekend. . does he get a social life so? "

It could be a every second weekend thing.

I do think he should have had the courtesy to tell you there was a lodger. But King of Kings is right, he is their da, you simply have to trust his judgement as a father and let go.

Its probably totally unrealistic for him to be able to rent/buy a 2 bedroom place on his own whilst paying maintenance.

gcgirl

his mother told me how long bout gf and she thinks he is out of order if he had of told me fair enough this is first time since xmas he has taken kids i don't have strange people in my house they have a very stable life no bf's or potental bf's til sure it was going to work too many screwed up kids in this day and age different mammys and daddys going around!
he pays 300 maintenance and takes the every 2nd weekend

Ishindar

i think the problem here is hes not providing the privacy and protection of a bedroom which should be a minimum in this setup imho. I wouldnt be happy to have my kids sleeping in the livingroom they deserve better.

Miss Fluff

You're not overreacting at all, it is completely inappropriate and potentially putting your children in danger. The fact he didn't mention this is also worrying. You need to set some very clear ground-rules before you let the kids stay again.

King of Kings

gcgirl wrote: »

his mother told me how long bout gf

never believe mothers. they know less than the ex-wives. and they always have an axe to grind.

i'm serious - his mam prob doesn't like the gf and is seeking to belittle the relationship....prob in the old irish tradition of getting you back together "for the kids".

gcgirl wrote: »

he pays 300 maintenance and takes the every 2nd weekend

ok. you didn't make that clear originally. I apologise for the jibe about his lack of social life.

holy schmoly....i pay more for 1 kid that i have half the week,.,.

and no slovak either

BTW - you could get a BF and just introduce him as a friend to the kids until it was very serious. no point locking yourself away and depriving yourself of a life.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You're not overreacting at all, it is completely inappropriate and potentially putting your children in danger. The fact he didn't mention this is also worrying. You need to set some very clear ground-rules before you let the kids stay again.

what drugs are you on. miss fluff?
why should he mention anything ot his Ex wife? what danger are they in? you know nothing about the tenant/gf?

What right has she to impose "ground rules" ? you would deprive the kids off their father because the mother wasn't happy with the arrangements in his house. maybe he needs a lodger to pay the mortgage.
did you consider that miss fluff? did you? would you rather the man homeless?

Talliesin

Totally out of order.

It's all fine and dandy for him to say it's none of your business who is in his house, but he's got five nights a week he can be doing whatever the hell he wants and it will indeed be none of your business. It's totally your business who the kids are spending time with.

My ex is pretty much the last person I want to know about any aspect of my life whatsoever, but the reality of the situation is that because her children are my children, her children are spending time with me and are part of my life and therefore while most of what I do with my life is completely irrelevant to her some things do have an impact and if nothing else she has a right to some reassurance that my girlfriend (who my kids only meet very ocassionally so far, but still often enough that they know who she is etc.) is a responsible person and that I don't put them into any situation involving people unknown to her were I am not in very clear and complete control of how the situation can go (e.g. when I was sharing a flat with a flatmate my elder children saw where I lived so they could have a sense of where I was, but they sure as hell weren't going to be sleeping on the sofa).

Similarly, I couldn't give two figs what she gets up to in her life (I wish her well and all, but ultimately don't particularly care) but I do have a right to a certain amount of information as to who my children are spending time with, not because I have any right to this information for my own sake (I have zero such rights) but because I have a shared responsibility for my children's welfare and I need to know what's going on with their lives to deal with that.

Now. All of that is a lot simpler in theory than in practice (it's not like my ex and I are each others favourite people to talk to) but what the **** where they doing sleeping on a sofa if he can afford a two bedroom house? (At the very least, why wasn't he on the sofa?)

If he can't afford it and needs a lodger to make his mortgage payments, then fair enough, that's the reality of the situation, but it's at least something he should have told you about.

gcgirl

King of Kings wrote: »

as a guy in similar situation (albeit with 1 kid and no gf , at the mo, and lodger has since gone)

actually he is far from out of order.

he is entitled to see and move whoever he likes into his house.
He as their dad , he is entitled to judge , when he is in charge, who is suitable around his kids,

also you are quick to say he is only seeing the gf 1/2 months....how do you know? does he tell you his every move?

he is entitled to rebuild his life , independently of you and you have to trust his judgment or go the legal route to prove the kids are in danger.
He is not bound by your viewpoint on what is good or proper as he is their dad.

Am I happy with everything my ex does around my son? no. Is she happy with everything I do? prob not.
Have I vetted or met her bf....no....she's never met any of mine.
I understand i've not right to impose on her during her time with my son.

incidentally I notice he takes them all weekend. . does he get a social life so?

he has far more of a social life than i have i've no problem with gf i have totally moved on with we had talked about this before xmas about potental bf's/gf's and a time frame before kids meeting them! and he was not really a hands on dad for the last 7 years with 3 kids either youngest girl has been in and out of hospital for last 2 years and he has not been too keen on getting involved in that aspect!

gcgirl

King of Kings wrote: »

never believe mothers. they know less than the ex-wives. and they always have an axe to grind.

i'm serious - his mam prob doesn't like the gf and is seeking to belittle the relationship....prob in the old irish tradition of getting you back together "for the kids".



ok. you didn't make that clear originally. I apologise for the jibe about his lack of social life.

holy schmoly....i pay more for 1 kid that i have half the week,.,.

and no slovak either

BTW - you could get a BF and just introduce him as a friend to the kids until it was very serious. no point locking yourself away and depriving yourself of a life.

because he tried to make play for me nov/early december but i told him i'd never take him back youngest kid was really sick not that he came in to hospital but he had that time accounted for!

gcgirl

I should point out ex slovak totally played him screwed him for cash(A LOT did not even give money towards school gear) and it was me who he came crying back til i told him to forget it!

also
if anything happens king of kings do you not think i would be able to carry that fot the rest of my life i don't think so he is well able to pay morgage its greed on his part!

Talliesin

gcgirl wrote: »

I should point out

Eh why?

Pointing it out might make you feel better, but what does it have to do with the issue you started talking about?

The fact that he got screwed-over by someone is something that really is none of your business. Does it really do you any good to dwell on it?

gcgirl

Talliesin wrote: »

Eh why?

Pointing it out might make you feel better, but what does it have to do with the issue you started talking about?

The fact that he got screwed-over by someone is something that really is none of your business. Does it really do you any good to dwell on it?

i know but it make me feel that much better:D
But it did concern the eldest not getting any money towards her back to school stuff

Talliesin

Yeah, great, your ex just sucks totally in every possible way. He is the suckiest of the suckiest.

Does my saying that make this issue even slightly more resolved?

If anything it's the opposite. After all there's no longer a question of "is he being unreasonable here" leading to "is it reasonable for me to take this issue aside and try to change things", since if he sucks in every regard then there's presumably no point in trying to get him to stop sucking in any particular regard.

If you need to bitch about your ex, have a cup of tea or coffee with a friend and have a good cathartic rant, but do so very separately from any thinking around any particular on-going issue. Otherwise any valid complaints you have is just going to be lost in the rest of the bitching.

Nevyn

gcgirl if you realy think the conditions are unsuitible but want reassurance and maybe a professional option then call in to speak with your local socail worker about it and maybe they will suggest a visit to both houses to check on the living conditions of the children.

jimmycrackcorm

Thaedydal wrote: »

gcgirl if you realy think the conditions are unsuitible but want reassurance and maybe a professional option then call in to speak with your local socail worker about it and maybe they will suggest a visit to both houses to check on the living conditions of the children.

It may not be ideal but there is nothing to say it is unsuitable. You might as well say that you can't take kids camping because a tent is unsuitable to sleep in; and no, the argument that camping is a one off does not prove unsuitability.

randylonghorn

I'm not going in to the rights and wrongs (I think there's both on both sides of the argument) but one thought: how do your kids feel about it?

I don't necessarily mean what do they say when you ask them direct questions, as kids are very good at sub-consciously judging the 'right' response from a parent's face / tone ... but are they looking forward to going to stay with their dad again, or moaning about it?

I'm not saying it's an ideal situation, but I do think their take on it is very important. They may have viewed it all as an adventure, and enjoyed their weekend ... though if you go "SO! ... how was your weekend with your (spit) Dad?" they will tell you it was terrible if they're cute!

Lazarus2.0

My understanding from an early post was that Dad had bought the house so he could accomodate the kids . If they end up sleeping on a living room couch that has to be wrong on a number of levels .
There is a lodger in the house (who is probably sleeping in the room intended for the children) .
The OP doesnt know the lodger - it isnt apparent whether the father does or not . That would worry me . The earlier post about putting the children in danger is not without merit .
Dad has a bed and lets the kids sleep on the couch ? I've often grabbed one of my kids' duvets and slept on the floor when they bale into our bed as they are wont to do . It's second nature - their comfort comes first .
OP , as has been pointed out already , if this is your issue it's entirely reasonable . If it's a bitching session based on the support you are getting then grab a friend and a latté .

Miss Fluff

King of Kings wrote: »

what drugs are you on. miss fluff?
why should he mention anything ot his Ex wife? what danger are they in? you know nothing about the tenant/gf??

My point exactly, neither does the OP. You can't have small vulnerable children sleeping in public areas of a house that is being inhabited by goodness only knows who. Completely unacceptable imo.

hanton12

Miss Fluff wrote: »

My point exactly, neither does the OP. You can't have small vulnerable children sleeping in public areas of a house that is being inhabited by goodness only knows who. Completely unacceptable imo.

eh, except the owner of the house and a parent of the children, does he not count? Does the father need to clear it and introduce the other people in his life to the OP first to have approval? What if the OP has friends that babysit the kids that the father doesnt know about. Is that unacceptable?

What I'm trying to say here is that there are people living 2 separate lives, and its going to happen that the parents wont know people in their ex's lives.

IMO, I think the he is wrong about how he handled it, and should have told the OP first, just to be civil about things and be open. But without knowing history, maybe he just didnt want to.

It sounds more like a rant against him and wanting people to agree that he sucks. And more importanlty, how do the kids feel, their opinions are most important in it all.

gollyitsolly

Why dont you ask the kids what they want? Im sure they will get fed up sleeping on the couch. Sometimes kids are smarter than adults.I wouldnt be happy with the present arrangement and I cant imagine its ideal for your ex either.

Beruthiel

A 7, 4 and 2 year old are sleeping on the sofa in the sitting room (I presume) every weekend they stay with their Dad.
Kids that young are going to bed at around 7 or 8 o'clock. They need a stable place to sleep, not a sitting room used by everyone in the house. I'd be livid if I knew my child did not have a proper place to sleep when staying with her father on a regular basis.

Bog Man

This is an issue that has affected me & my kids.
When my wife left me for someone else she moved into his apartment. It is a nice apartment ok. I was reluctant to let my kids stay there but ultimately had to TRUST MY EX-WIFE as she is their MOTHER. They didn't have their own bedroom, which is not perfect I know. But in the context of having some contact with their mother and the whole marriage breakdown thing, bed vs sofa issue is minor. I despise my EX but I have to hide that for the kid's benefit and work with the b*tch!
Are your kids HAPPY to visit their father?
I am sure he bought a house to LIVE in, not just for the kids.
The lodger may be NESCESSARY to pay the mortgage.
His girlfriend, her country of origin, his finances are none of your business.
The visiting arrangements may not be perfect, but in a perfect world your marriage would still be intact.
You both have to put aside personal anger for the kids benefit and sort something out.

chuci

i think thats it wrong that they had to sleep in the sitting room. they didnt have somewhere safe to sleep they really should not be put in their own room think. what if people came in drunk with the boarder? and wandered into the sitting room the kids i assume would be scared. i think its unsuitable and unsafe that they are sleeping in the sitting room.

gcgirl

Thanks for the replys i think i let myself down a little by ranting but i was upset about the whole thing he had plenty of time to update me about things as for baby sitters family look after them if i venture out and basically he has no need for a lodger he is well able to afford the house. The sitting room is not like a room but you have to walk through it to get anywhere in the house and its totally unappropirite for kids staying in it ! If the shoe was on the other foot he would come down on me !

LegacyUser

I dont think your over reacting at all and rant away thats what boards is for, to help you get stuff off your chest and to look for a resolution for your problems...

The children should not be sleeping on the couch and anyone thats says otherwise is just being stupid...

Its bad enough for smallies when there parents break up, you have to do everything possible to make things easy for them..

Yes he is there father but you have got a say in what he does with the kids as he does with you.. i dont think its appropiate for children to be introduced to b/f / g/f until further down the line in the relationship.. it is a good idea to introduce them as a friend first though but as we all know children are not stupid they know whats going on..

Maybe rather than getting annoyed, speak to him calmly and talk to him about your worries.. he might think your just nagging at him or even jealous of the new g/f


hope everything works out for you..

Loopy

You are entitled to be concerned about your kids stayin on the sofa, especially if its accesible for other people to go in and out.. Have you spoken to the kids about it? I know my 6yr old would not be happy in that situation at all.

Unfortunately, when people split, situations like this come up and because there is so much animosity between the parents its difficult to talk logically because there is a lot of hurt there.

I dont think for a second your being unreasonable..

promethius

He is behaving unreasonably, you're right to be concerned.