Soooo confused...

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is my first time posting here...hope someone can offer me some words of wisdom!! Have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half yrs and I love him dearly...

For the 1st 2 yrs our relationship was great...we both worked hard at it and I really thought i'd found the person who I wanted to spend my life with.. He's been through a lot since we got together...his mum died suddenly 6 weeks into our relationship and as a youngest of 11 who was the only one still living at home it hit him hard. His dad is also an alcoholic who is now in hospital after having a stroke and docs have said he will never get out again...

Anyways...this time last yr we went on a 'break'...it was my idea as I felt he wasnt making any effort with me and just needed some space...it ended up being a break on his terms and we ended up getting back together and everything was great up until recently...

When his dad was admitted to hospital I began spending a lot of time in his house...I thought he wanted me there to be honest but the past few weeks he grew really distant with me and wanted to spend all his time with his friends...

I eventually sat down with him yesterday and tried to talk to him about how I felt...told him that I dont feel important to him and that he never makes an effort with me etc etc... His reponse was that he feels smothered and that he needs space...that i'm always around yadda yadda...I presume after nearly 4 yrs in a relationship he would want me around...I am not always there...I work 7 days a week so only see him at night time anyways...

Basically everything was blamed on me and he just wouldnt accept that it was partly his fault also and we decided to go on a break...

Thing is...we work together..different departments so if I keep my head down we wont bump into each other..

My question is...is this relationship worth saving? I know this is only a question I can really answer myself but I really would appreciate an outside opinion..

He's 25..i'm 23 and at this stage in our relationship I feel we should be thinking about our future together...I cant remember the last time he asked me for dinner or the cinema...i'm not a needy girlfriend but like everyone I like to feel appreciated and cared for and I just dont at the moment...his excuse is he's tired and he's a lot on his mind wit his dad and the house and that which I do appreciate he has a lot going on but I cant keep justifying his behaviour because of this...

Really sorry for the long post x

Weidii

I know what it's like to be smothered in a relationship all too well... so I'm afraid I can only identify with your boyfriend on this one.

He's obviously got things going through his head at the moment, with his dad in hospital and all, so I'm sure he appreciates having someone to talk to. However I think friends are just as important as girlfriends in times of need, and fair enough if he wants to spend time with them. Maybe try seeing him less often ie, don't ring him every night after work to meet up, try to make it less frequent. He'll really appreciate you giving him more space, and it'll probably make him appreciate the time he does spend with you more.

john_aero

it realy is a hrad one to reply too as it realy each person is different. the long and short is some people need space from their reality to get over problems in life. the only issue from my xperience is somethimes they can end up not comming back to thoes they love.

i would suggest try to be there for him and keep your distance. Also as harsh and bad as it may seem prepare for the chance that he may come out of this, like most people do, a very very different person. ty to judge your future with him on the basis of who he is now and when he gets over this hump, and dont try to pretend that the man you feel in love with will return.

i was in very same place as you were now, gave it 1,5 years after the person had gotten over it but they had changed too much and too much was done when they were trying get over it.

one other point and i think this is something very very important, if they cant turn to your during their time of need then what happens in the future, do you have to get up and move out of the way so he can get over things?

Loopy

I empathise with you, its the not knowing how he really feels about you that's difficult to deal with. He has been through a lot the last few years, and to be honest it sounds like he needs space now.

The break is a good idea but make sure there is no contact at all, and try do it for a month or so. You will both know how u feel then for sure.

Good Luck..

AngryBadger

You've pointed out yourself that he's had a bad time over the last few years, and his father is in hospital close to death at the moment. To my mind your attitude should be that if he needs you you'll be there but if he needs space to work himself out then you're ok with that as well.

You both work in the same place, so work is not a break from the relationship for him. You're over in his palce a lot since his father went into hospital, fair enough you're trying to offer moral support, but he's told you he feels smothered, you've acknowledged that there's some serious problems he needs to work out, and yet you're still demanding his time and attention.

I can only respond based on what you've posted in here, but to me it seems this guy has a lot of stuff he needs to work out, and I can understand that he feels crowded given that he works in the same place as you, and even when he says you're smothering him you refuse to listen.

Also, you're 23, he's 25, and even though you feel he's not making enough of an effort you think ye should be making plans for teh future. You need to get your priorities straight.

First off you need to decide if you're willing to continue this relaitonship without what you consider to be the appropriate effort on his part.

Second, you need to decide if you're willing to back off and give him the space HE'S TELLING YOU he needs.

Third. If you can sort those things out, THEN you could start talking about the future, but as it stands you're putting the cart before the horse.