Further update (maybe long ).....

Teddi

Well guys...

Im just back from my college trip (we went away for 5 days) and for something that I thought would bond me more with my class had the very opposite effect...how? I am lost for words on this....

I am convinced that its just impossible for me to integrate the way that I want to within the class.I tried so hard to spark conversations, suggest places to go, try and get as involved as I could, but it seemed to fall on blind eyes and on deaf ears.

I felt constantly the third wheel of the class bike (if you will) and I dont think I felt comfortable at any stage of the trip.I went out every night with them, tried having a laugh with them but it just seemed like they were just putting up with me, almost like a chore having to try and interact with me.

It doesnt help that there were already small groups formed before leaving, but I thought that it wasnt set in stone. That is until I noticed that I was wrong and they all grouped up. Me being the usual floater that I am.

The last 2 nights I really dressed up which took alot of people by surprize because as of late ive been dressing very casually, I think alot of people didnt know how to take it. The second last night, I felt claustropobic the whole night and by the time that I got home I was feeling really emotional and decided to go and tell one of the girls in my class who I think is understanding. She got her friend out of her room so we could have some privacy. I told her, she was supportive, wasnt that surprized which I was surprized about (I thought she might have mentioned it to me if she had).

She said that all that she can do is tell someone what I had told her (depression, suicidal thoughts etc) one of her friends then barged in with another problem and we said we'd chat in the morning (which we didnt). The very same day my tutor takes me aside and tells me that he was told by a few in the class what I had said and that they were worried.


I now think that might have made things worse. from that night until today It almost felt like people were purposely not talking to me, I saw a few glances in my direction but that was it.

Is it that they dont care? uncomfortable approaching me about it? what? I mean if I heard that someone in my class felt like that id go and chat with them, this I'm sure of.

If, throughout the replies that I get, can anyone give me an answer to this

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>
would you still want to try and get to know a person, who YOU have to constantly spark a conversation with, that you have to try and get to know in the hope they they see something in you that they like, and maybe start liking you?????






This is how I felt the whole time I was away, I felt like I was talking to brick walls. I know I'm a cool guy, ive a great personality and Im funny, What the **** is up with all of this? Im sorry for sounding so harsh but yet again I feel like Im on the verge, and I've already told my tutor that I might like to transfer over to another college for my last year as Im so sick and tired of trying to fit in....


There is one guy that is the definitive diamond in the rough, he's amazing. He's older and I think that has alot to do with it. we get on great, same humour, we talk on a normal level, we talk on an intellectual and deep level also, so theres that balence that I love. Although everyone loves him and is seen as some what of a Mascot,I feel like even if I wanted to, I couldnt confide in him for everything as that wouldnt be fair.

Im not sure what I'm getting out of telling the boardsies about whats happening, all that I know is that it does help,getting my thoughts out etc.


I just don't know what to do anymore, I know im SO much better than this and I deserve so much more, selfish as it might sound but I don't care, I just want these horrible situations to stop.

thanks for listening,

Teddi.

Miss Fluff

Seeing as the "Mascot" guy gets on with everyone why don't you talk to him further? Maybe you are giving off vibes that you don't realise and seeing as he knows everyone he may be able to help you and shed some light on why people are like this with you.

annemarie13

your so right u deserve better. i dont wat these peoples problem is.u sound like a really, really nice down to earth guy. maybe your best chance is too talk to the mascot guy.explain nicely to him, try not to br forceful in your conversation, he might get a wrong idea or somethin.

good luck ok.
if u ever want to talk leave me a message and i will do my best to help u.

,mnb

Well in a group like that theres often one or two people who dominate and its hard to fit in. It called a clique and you will see it everywhere you go or any group you join. Sometimes you're in sometimes you're out. But you're job isn't to fit in. Its to be you. And if they don't accept you don't worry. It's more important to have your own friends you like and trust. And there will be groups that will love you and groups that won't but your good friends will be there always.

Red Hand

,mnb wrote: »

Well in a group like that theres often one or two people who dominate and its hard to fit in. It called a clique and you will see it everywhere you go or any group you join. Sometimes you're in sometimes you're out. But you're job isn't to fit in. Its to be you. And if they don't accept you don't worry. It's more important to have your own friends you like and trust. And there will be groups that will love you and groups that won't but your good friends will be there always.

+1

You don't have to be friends with everyone, you know. That goes for work, school, college, etc. Sometimes you click with some people, sometimes you don't, and thats the way it goes with everyone.

There is at least one person in the class that you get along with, the mascot guy. Hang out more with him since you both seem to get along. Plus, you need to chill out a bit more-there is really no need to get worked up about stuff like this.

LegacyUser

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote: »

+1

You don't have to be friends with everyone, you know. That goes for work, school, college, etc. Sometimes you click with some people, sometimes you don't, and thats the way it goes with everyone.

There is at least one person in the class that you get along with, the mascot guy. Hang out more with him since you both seem to get along. Plus, you need to chill out a bit more-there is really no need to get worked up about stuff like this.

Agree with a lot of this.


I dont inted to sound mean here, but I have read posts from OP in the past saying how you are such a great guy, and how you know your emotions etc, but yet you want to move out from your apartment because you dont get on with the guys there, and you dont get on with the majority of your class.

Dont take this the wrong way, but in life some people just dont like others. Dont get hung up on it. You seem to take it too seriously whenever someone doesnt get on with you, as you think you are such a great guy.

Saying you will transfer you course because you dont get on with a few is silly. It'll be a waste of the last few years work. Just realise that some people wont get on, and by the sounds of it, you think people should love you because, as you said, 'I'm a cool guy, ive a great personality and Im funny, What the **** is up with all of this'. Have a look at yourself before thinking everyone else is the problem. People dont think the same as you.

Whereas you say if you knew someone in your situation, you'd go talk to them. If I was back in college and didnt really get on with someone, and then heard what you are saying, I wouldnt go talk to them. I'd think, 'well, I dont know the guy and dont get on with him, so I'm not geting involved, thats too heavy.' If it was a friend, (and it has happened, and it has happened on a number of occasions) I'd be there talking to the person straight away, but not with someone I dont know or dont like.

Dont take it as a criticism, just realise that not everyone gets on with each other, and you just make friends and get closer to those who do.

Teddi

to the most recent poster, yea you are right, I do get what you mean...

but for someone to make those comments, is a person who isnt in this situation (otherwise you'd be taking your own advice, yea?) so if you dont know what this situation is like, and what it has been like for me, its hard to comment, sorry but it is. This has been an on going thing for me and if it was happening to you for so long, constantly trying to befriend people you eventually lose it, and if you dont your just stone cold.

Ive never had it this bad before, Ive always been able to fit in to some extent in different friend circles and situations, but the reason why this is effecting me more, is that ive only one year left and I dont want to be looking back on my last year as being my worst, especially when I need to be able to show my best work in the coming months.

I can sit here and say I deserve more because naturally on a day to day basis im not a greedy or "all about me" sort of person, I dont stir up s.h.i.t, I dont backstab or talk behind peoples backs (because its been done to me so much, I know the effects it can have on a person).

I think I have to just accept that I was never destined to get on with the class, and the sooner I accept this the easier I'll find it to deal with it.

Teddi

promethius

You don't have to be friends with everyone, you know.

Wise words...

mrsdewinter

OP
a) those who point out that you can't be friends with everybody are right. it's what becoming your own man is about. if you're all things to all men you ultimately end up being nothing to nobody.
b) sometimes the best thing to do is just step back from a situation. it sounds like you have a lot going for you, friends from other areas of your life, etc. spend some time with old friends, gain strength from that, and you'll be much more relaxed around classmates.
c) college courses, and the weird incestuous social scene that evolves around tightknit groups can get a little intense. you can feel as if the entire world has shrunk down to two dozen people. it's a very artificial environment, and you'll find the people who function the best are those who give themselves a kick and wander down to the kayak club to meet people from outside their immediate professional, academic, or local circles of interest.
this course is only a very small part of your life. get out there and cultivate the rest of it...

LegacyUser

I went through something similar when i started college but luckily enough i managed to bump into a classmate at a concert and kind of fell into his group.

but a friend of mine was doing a subject where they couldnt make and still havent made any friends in his class. So he decided to get more involved with societies and the students union and has made a huge amount of friends and is loving college

dont transfer just becauseyou dont get on with your class, that is the worst thing you could do. only transfer if the course isnt right for you. get involved with other aspects of college life, go to society events, get involved in things you are interested in and then you will meet new friends

Teddi

thanks for the replies guys,

The part about me transfering would be only to another art college heading into my last year so I would't be loosing out on my career but simply finishing it with a different class, you know?

My head at the moment can't deal with this as ive 50 other issues swimming around my head and they are just adding insult to injury.

Im not running away from my problems as I'm choosing to deal with them in a potentially better enviroment as the new class (if I wished to transfer) wouldnt know me and I could start afresh.

This afternoon I've made an appointment to see the head of my department to see what my options are..

sunnyjim

I'm sorry, but has no-one else picked up on this?

She said that all that she can do is tell someone what I had told her (depression, suicidal thoughts etc) one of her friends then barged in with another problem and we said we'd chat in the morning (which we didnt). The very same day my tutor takes me aside and tells me that he was told by a few in the class what I had said and that they were worried.

Hold on a sec.

You're not very close to anyone in your class, and you are trying to make friends, so you start talking about your suicidal thoughts and depression??

Teddi

and your being helpful how?

so your telling me you wouldnt go to someone who you knew was understanding having gone to 2 councillors and not having much of a result?

if your going to be critical, let it be constructive.

teddi.

Davei141

Its a fair point. If your depressed and having suicidal thoughts, went to 2 councillors and nothing helped...I doubt the problem is your class.

sunnyjim

Teddi wrote: »

and your being helpful how?

so your telling me you wouldnt go to someone who you knew was understanding having gone to 2 councillors and not having much of a result?

if your going to be critical, let it be constructive.

teddi.

Just because I'm disagreeing with you doesn't mean it's not helpful.

Do you just want people to agree with everything you say? Do you come here for sympathy?

Or do you want a variation of opinions, to see all angles of this?

Edit: There's no point going to someone who you hardly know about your problems. That's what I'm trying to say.

Teddi

sunnyjim, if your going to disagree, make it constructive, that was my point.

not the fact that you disagreed, that I dont mind, but just saying that I want to make friends by going to talk to them about being suicidal isnt a helpful comment, a disagreement it maybe.

yes I do want to see it at different angles and there has been different angles been thrown at me in accumalation between this post and previous so Im not being selective in who I respond to.

If you were in my position you'd find people to try and reach out to and communicate this subject with, Im not going to get into the dynamic in my class as its complicated,you can forget the point about me going to someone in the class to say this too as now I've found that its made this worse by people feeling uneasy around me so i'd appreciate it not to be brought up again, thanks.

teddi

cowzerp

Teddi wrote: »

sunnyjim, if your going to disagree, make it constructive, that was my point.

not the fact that you disagreed, that I dont mind, but just saying that I want to make friends by going to talk to them about being suicidal isnt a helpful comment, a disagreement it maybe.

yes I do want to see it at different angles and there has been different angles been thrown at me in accumalation between this post and previous so Im not being selective in who I respond to.

If you were in my position you'd find people to try and reach out to and communicate this subject with, Im not going to get into the dynamic in my class as its complicated,you can forget the point about me going to someone in the class to say this too as now I've found that its made this worse by people feeling uneasy around me so i'd appreciate it not to be brought up again, thanks.

teddi

teddi you sound argumentitive and pushy, from reading your posts you dont sound like someone who is going to brighten my day up, stop trying so hard and try to relax, your scaring people off, even by reading this i feel like your way to pushy and unfriendly, that does not mean your a bad person but just not easy to get on with, you might not know your coming accross this way.

sunnyjim

Ok. I should have been more constructive.

I think its a bad idea trying to 'reach out' and communicate with people over something this serious. Or analyzing class dynamics. Most people don't dwell on these things get along ok.

I'd actually go as far as saying that by explaining yourself to people, you are making things awkward, as if you are trying to create a barrier between yourselves and the rest of your class.

Try avoiding such heavy conversations. Light heartedness is the way to go if you want to have your classmates as people who you can hangout with on a daily basis. From there, you might find that you get along really well with a few, who might one day be the people you call for the bi-weekly trip to the pub, to go bowling, to hang out, or help share problems - whatever really.

Teddi

thanks for that sunny, that made alot more sense

I know but alot is spare of the moment, you know? when I was away with the class, I just spouted and needed to tell someone, though looking back I wish that I hadnt and wished that I thought it through before opening my mouth.

sunnyjim

Cool, well, you've learned something, so that counts.

We've all been there mate. Be it college, secondary school, football... Just learn from your mistakes, and others if you can!

Overheal

Teddi wrote: »

I am convinced that its just impossible for me to integrate the way that I want to within the class.I tried so hard to spark conversations, suggest places to go, try and get as involved as I could, but it seemed to fall on blind eyes and on deaf ears.

trying too hard can work to your detriment: case example, lad in my class whos a bit of a floater himself, overhears my flatmate inviting a few over for some quiet drinks and after hearing that, he spent the whole day hovering around deliberately (very out of the norm, you know?). It quickly shows when you are forcing something and it often has the reverse effect of that desired.

I felt constantly the third wheel of the class bike (if you will) and I dont think I felt comfortable at any stage of the trip.I went out every night with them, tried having a laugh with them but it just seemed like they were just putting up with me, almost like a chore having to try and interact with me.

Its a start?
Thing is you sound at the stage where you are really screaming for the attention, for whatever reason, and again, its noticeable when someone is doing this. Ironically it does put people off, almost always.

It doesnt help that there were already small groups formed before leaving, but I thought that it wasnt set in stone. That is until I noticed that I was wrong and they all grouped up. Me being the usual floater that I am.

if youre a floater be a floater. I frequently make a habit of drifting from group to group as the mood takes me. If theres no click happening with anyone in particular I could go a week or two on the Dark: not talking to anyone in the class. It happens. Then some days will happen where a group of you just hit it off and have a good conversation or come together to solve a problem or have a debate about a common issue. It all ebbs and flows.

The last 2 nights I really dressed up which took alot of people by surprize because as of late ive been dressing very casually, I think alot of people didnt know how to take it.

If you wanna dress up dress up. Personally, I shaved bald and wore socks and sandals. Not dressing up but it gets looks. Roll with the punches: you think I expected to dress like that and not get poked fun at? Spoiler alert: that was the point: learn the difference between pulling jokes at yourself and getting made fun of though and be sure and stand up to it in a confident but non-threatening way. When you can prove you are your own person and not just a carbon copy/class poser, it will garner respect.

The second last night, I felt claustropobic the whole night and by the time that I got home I was feeling really emotional and decided to go and tell one of the girls in my class who I think is understanding. She got her friend out of her room so we could have some privacy. I told her, she was supportive, wasnt that surprized which I was surprized about (I thought she might have mentioned it to me if she had).

She said that all that she can do is tell someone what I had told her (depression, suicidal thoughts etc) one of her friends then barged in with another problem and we said we'd chat in the morning (which we didnt). The very same day my tutor takes me aside and tells me that he was told by a few in the class what I had said and that they were worried.


I now think that might have made things worse. from that night until today It almost felt like people were purposely not talking to me, I saw a few glances in my direction but that was it.

Is it that they dont care? uncomfortable approaching me about it? what? I mean if I heard that someone in my class felt like that id go and chat with them, this I'm sure of.

You may have taken this the wrong way my friend. I've seen social situations were we've had to take time to worry about 'the social outcast' - we all worried if the lad that had been following us around like a lost sheep was ok and for 2 weeks nobody had sen his wrists... he never did thankfully, but it got us all concerned.
Look, they will tell you bullying is wrong, and it is, but theres a difference between bullying and sparring: sparring is what you would call slagging - its what friends do to each other. We joke, we insult, we attack our mothers in sequence. I may never figure out why its done except to say it seems to seperate confident and non-confident people. A sheep doesnt know how to take this social exchange and quickly problems arise.
There was a great short story you may have read in the Junior Cert called the Fly, where a depressed business exec repeatedly drops cold coffee onto a fly and continually watches it wash itself off: he wants to see how much the fly can take before it will give in, because he needs to know himself, when he should give in. The fly just keeps on going.

edit: with it now coming out I can guess that maybe they see it as a volatile situation they want desperately not to be involved with. You say you would speak to them because you know about such things: you can relate. The common man cannot relate to these things and is afraid to try. Who wants to known as the one responsible for the guy that killed himself, especially when you never knew what you were doing when you tried to help? Who wants to cut the blue wire when they dont know a damn thing about demolitions? Would you rather risk it or wait down the timer a little longer while you thought it over? Your lady friend did what any of us would do: she went to someone whom she perceived as better able to address the situation.

If, throughout the replies that I get, can anyone give me an answer to this

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would you still want to try and get to know a person, who YOU have to constantly spark a conversation with, that you have to try and get to know in the hope they they see something in you that they like, and maybe start liking you?????

Ebbs and Flows. If you are doing it only for the acknowledgement of the other, than I'm sorry, no. I cannot place my self-worth in the hands of someone who doesn't know me or like me. If someone doesnt know you (really know you), and doesnt like you, and you are using THAT to judge your self-worth: then STOP. Too many people know me and like me for me to beat myself up over the opinion of strangers, as loud as that voice may sometimes sound.

This is how I felt the whole time I was away, I felt like I was talking to brick walls. I know I'm a cool guy, ive a great personality and Im funny, What the **** is up with all of this? Im sorry for sounding so harsh but yet again I feel like Im on the verge, and I've already told my tutor that I might like to transfer over to another college for my last year as Im so sick and tired of trying to fit in....

Why does it sound like you don't believe this in yourself? It sounds more like a cliche label you are trying to impress on yourself without actually understanding it. MAybe your not cool. I'm not cool: I'm a Nerd. But WHAT a nerd! And I like it. And people laugh at my boyish wit so I must have something going in the humour deptartment but I'm no Dave Chappele. My personality reeks of laziness and less than perfect hygeine and I often 'eep' like a woman when frightened (which is what happened when I put my own spin on the Homer Simpson yelp). I'll never be a chick magnet but I'm done trying to model myself after the pricks that read The Game.

Don't label yourself and hope it will change who you are: BE WHO YOU ARE. And be happy. You may say the person you are is depressed and unhappy: but when you ask yourself why that is - youve explained it in this post - its because youre trying to be something youre not. Stop that.

There is one guy that is the definitive diamond in the rough, he's amazing. He's older and I think that has alot to do with it. we get on great, same humour, we talk on a normal level, we talk on an intellectual and deep level also, so theres that balence that I love. Although everyone loves him and is seen as some what of a Mascot,I feel like even if I wanted to, I couldnt confide in him for everything as that wouldnt be fair.

If you get on at that level then thats who you hang out with. Pure as. IF you dont want to confide in him, don't. If he chooses to confide in you: trade confidence (in proportion). You can start the trade yourself of course. I always like to start small or when needs require it.

Im not sure what I'm getting out of telling the boardsies about whats happening, all that I know is that it does help,getting my thoughts out etc.

Catharsis: you have answered your own question here.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I know im SO much better than this and I deserve so much more, selfish as it might sound but I don't care, I just want these horrible situations to stop.

thanks for listening,

Teddi.

Thats It: Right there Teddi! You ARE better than THIS. THAT ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ is not you. This gets back to the point I was making about being yourself. These horrible situations will stop when you stop trying to tear yourself apart like a christmas present, hoping to find a Fonzerelli inside.

Good luck, duck.

Overheal