Desperate for advice...

heavyheart

Hi there...

I have been living with my fiance for the last 2 years and we love each very very much and i could never picture my life without him in it.... the problem is we cant stop fighting ...the latest blow up involved drink and it got personal and physical .. he pushed me and i hit my head and i retaliated by hitting him back..
this isnt us. if you knew us there is no way in a million years you would think we would treat each other this way ... i care about him so much and we are due to be married in the next few months...
is it possible for us to get through this ???
please help me ..

john_aero

there is always a hope, i was in similar boat but ended it as it was getting too hard and trust was being lost. sometimes a break up for a few months is best. i broke up with my ex and we ended up closer than ever before, but when the pain and trust returns a lot fo the time you wont want risk going back to the arguments.

if there is that many arguments you should seriously concider your options. this is your future and do you want your life and kids being like this.

i know i sound bad but its a decision that has to be looked at too.

hope you are able to work it out i realy do

biko

You really shouldn't consider marriage if you're carrying on like this. See a couples counsellor and call off wedding for now.
m2c

Beruthiel

heavyheart wrote: »

we love each very very much

he pushed me and i hit my head and i retaliated by hitting him back..

The above two comments just don't sit with me.
You don't physically attack someone you say you love.
I know I certainly wouldn't be marrying someone who treated me like that.
Being drunk is no excuse whatsoever.

If the two of you cannot stop fighting then you're relationship is going south.
If you wish to save it, then ye need to see a professional and see if you can sort this out.
I'd also think about putting off the wedding under those circumstances.

How Strange

there is a thread along similar lines on PI

my opinion on this is that if it happened once it will happen again. you are both engaging in domestic abuse.

you say you are engaged to be married. well in that case you would want to take an honest stark look at your relationship and be honest about where it is heading (I'd say to A&E to get some stitches or an x-ray the way you two are carrying on)

if you are serious about staying together then get counselling and anger management therapy otherwise you are both better apart. It doesn't matter what you are like sober and happy; if you are tearing lumps out of each other after a few drinks then thats what you relationship will be about from now on each time you're drunk and argumentative.

I apologise if I sound harsh but I've seen friends waste years off their lives in destructive, almost violent relationships while they claim that sober they are terrific together.

heavyheart

It may sound like im making excuses but its not as easy as just calling everything off... i love him and he loves me and most of the time god we are the 2 closest people in the world...
we werent always like this but we are 2 extremley stubborn people and its our downfall.. i dont want to break up with him.. im too scared to lose him..

john_aero

not sound bad but hittler wasnt always off his nutt.people change. if ye are so much in love then you will both try everything to make it work, then try a partsing for 3months. stay in contact over phone every few days but try it.

How Strange

heavyheart wrote: »

It may sound like im making excuses but its not as easy as just calling everything off... i love him and he loves me and most of the time god we are the 2 closest people in the world...
we werent always like this but we are 2 extremley stubborn people and its our downfall.. i dont want to break up with him.. im too scared to lose him..

well then heavyheart, why are you desperate for advice if you choose to ignore it? The replies have been unanimous.

You are too scared to lose him? That and the violence is hardly a good foundation for a marriage.

What if you have children; are you going to let them grow up in an environment where their parents go at each other whenever they disagree?

Being two extremely stubborn people is not any justification for what you did and your downfall will be staying together and getting married if you don't address why you are acting like this.

Beruthiel

heavyheart wrote: »

It may sound like im making excuses but its not as easy as just calling everything off... i love him and he loves me and most of the time god we are the 2 closest people in the world...
we werent always like this but we are 2 extremley stubborn people and its our downfall.. i dont want to break up with him.. im too scared to lose him..

If this wasn't bothering you, then you would not have registered on this site just to post about it here.
Ye are in trouble, face that fact and get it sorted.

heavyheart

I think id rather get professional help before id part with him..
and i no it doesnt make sense that i say i love him and that he loves me and then i describe what happened the other night its just if you knew him he is genuinley a kind caring guy...in my head im weighing up the good times with the bad and although i can honestly say we have more good times than bad im wondering is it enough .

john_aero

you took the plunge to sign up and ask for advice, it may be hard to actualy acknowkedge it but just read what people are telling you and you will realise what is happening. just imagine this being your friends and what would you tell her to do?

Beruthiel

heavyheart wrote: »

Iif you knew him he is genuinley a kind caring guy

Abusers aren't assholes 24/7.
Most of the time, they're probably quite nice and you'd never guess.
That doesn't mean they aren't abusers.

heavyheart

I am taking everyones advice on board and of course its bothering me and that exactly why im on this site ... im here for advice not to picked on .
Me and my partner do no we need help what i wanted to see by coming on this site was to see if someone had been through something similar and come out the other side better people ...

john_aero

as i said i was nearly at your point but we parted to try fix it before got physical (which it nearly did all too often) and we realised how bad things had gotten when parted. staying together in same house wont sort it. you need a long term fix so a long term split. no easy fix i am sorry

heavyheart

Thanks John , appreciate your advice ... its food for thought eh ?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

No one seems to have asked this yet, so I will:how often do you fight?

You say "The problem is we can't stop fighting" and then "this isn't us.... there is no way we would treat each other this way."

And yet you do. Repeatedly.

I'd recommend anger management ahead of couples counselling, but it's got to happen before you get married.

john_aero

heavyheart wrote: »

Thanks John , appreciate your advice ... its food for thought eh ?

well i also know the couple me and my ex were friends with were same as you, they didnt want to take time to sort it and only together now as they have a house. need to sort it early if there is any chance. not sound bad but fact it got this far means chances are low, i know realy hard to hear and i had hear all the same stuff yoru hearing now from my family and friends and i taught they were wrong, but i am better off now because of it.

just listen and think about what could happen, if it ended up in break up now, better now before marriage kids andserious physical beting and regretting not taking that step, the step you can take now and see how it goes

john_aero

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

No one seems to have asked this yet, so I will:how often do you fight?

You say "The problem is we can't stop fighting" and then "this isn't us.... there is no way we would treat each other this way."

And yet you do. Repeatedly.

I'd recommend anger management ahead of couples counselling, but it's got to happen before you get married.

put it on hold and try fix what is left, dont stay together coz of being together for so long, that wrong attitude too

Miss Fluff

heavyheart wrote: »

.. i dont want to break up with him.. im too scared to lose him..

Why? In case you will be left on the shelf? In case you have to go through with telling people you are calling off the wedding? Or because you really truly love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the latter is the case then you seriously need to get some relationship counselling asap and assess whether your relationship is worth hanging on to.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

john_aero wrote: »

put it on hold and try fix what is left, dont stay together coz of being together for so long, that wrong attitude too

I know, but my point was: don't get married, and THEN get the help.

john_aero

yes exactly, sort the problem out 1st before going further with relatioship

How Strange

heavyheart wrote: »

I am taking everyones advice on board and of course its bothering me and that exactly why im on this site ... im here for advice not to picked on .
Me and my partner do no we need help what i wanted to see by coming on this site was to see if someone had been through something similar and come out the other side better people ...

heavyheart, no-one is picking on you but you can't expect to post something like that and then disregard replies. Breaking up or at the very least postponing the wedding, getting counselling and anger management therapy are the first steps. Stopping drinking is another until you have worked through these anger problems.

Weddings are known to be stressful so do you really imagine you will get through to the wedding day without a scratch if you don't address the problems?

I doubt there are very many happy endings to scenarios like this. It is indicative of a relationship gone so sour that physical violence is a means of communication when arguing. I'm sure some couples have come through it but only by being 100% honest about the ugliness of the situation and being totally committed to getting through it. And I re-itterate the need to stay sober while all this is going on. You may both have to give up drinking completely to really overcome the violence as the possibility that it will reoccur will always lurk in the background when you are drunk.

Bendihorse

What type of things are you fighting over and how often do they happen? Are you able to forgive and forget once the fight is over or is there resentment building up over time with each fight that happens?

I have a firey relationship with my boyfriend but it never descends into violence as bad an all as things might get... We love eachother but are both strong willed and opinionated so we do get into heated debates quite regularly, and can get quite 'thick' with eathother, sometimes hanging up the phone on eachother, but even if its not resolved there and then, we dont have to 'end' the argument, we just leave each other to cool off a bit and realise that were being stoopid, then just forget about it completely. We wouldn't mention it again after settling ourselves

heavyheart

we would probably have a big fight once every couple of months , maybe have petty ones every couple of weeks, its just , that last time we fought was sat night , he lost his keys and wanted to go home and outside we were pickering and he pushed me and i fell back and i hit my head off a lamp post . it got completley out of hand , and i hit him back.
even writing those words down i have tears in my eyes because its so out of character for us , any big fight we had before would never ever in a million years involve physical contact ..

heavyheart

how strange , i no .. i just got over whelmed with the responses .. i do appreciate your advice ..thank you

heavyheart

Bedihorse ...
we have quite a fiery relationship but before sat night it was always a good fiery relationship , we got on brill had a great laugh have mess fights with each other , very passionate relationship , very loving and very caring ... at first when we had a fight god none of us would give in but we have learned to forgive and forget very easily but sat night has just thrown a major spanner in the works for me and im very confused about us ...

heavyheart

Miss fluff ... Its the latter , i love him to absolute bits ... he is the love of my life and i do want to be with him forever ... we will get professional help .. i believe what we have is worth hanging on to .. we just need guidance neither of us had had a serious relationship till we met each other 3 years ago so its hard to navigate through it all ...

john_aero

well i hope you work it out. and it wont be easy but least you have admitted you need to sort it out so that is good to hear

nevaeh-2die-4

u should join a self defense course just in case it may happen again.

www.free-ladies-self-defense.com/

How Strange

nevaeh-2die-4 wrote: »

u should join a self defense course just in case it may happen again.

www.free-ladies-self-defense.com

Yeh and the bf should sign up too. Read the post, one is as bad as the other. He is not solely to blame and this isn't about violence against women.

dudara

I'm not sure about the relevance of that link. This incident appears to have been a once-off and the OP is strongly considering professional help. I think the suggestion of self-defence is provocative more than anything else.

heavyheart

I personally think getting self defence classes is a bit much , and i am going to say that it was a once off , cause im gonna make it that way .. both of us were to blame and both of us will get help.. thanks for everyones comments though ....

Overheal

Yes if you don't need to take the American Approach (Lawyers, Gardai, Self-Defence Classes) then don't.

Couples counselling might be the ticket. Because if its getting to the stage of violence then theres frustration there; where someone is trying to convey something and doesnt know how to interpret it/express it in words. Counsellors are great at helping you to identify such feelings. Once identified its easy to recognise them when they appear again, but you will then know better how to compose it than through physical violence.

estar

- where did you learn to solve anger with hitting - both of you
- sometimes we are attracted to people because of what
we learned growing up - that volatility to the point of violence
is acceptable - did either of you learn this growing up?
- if you cant handle your drink without losing it - dont drink so much
you are one step away from making a stupid mistake like
hitting someone who will report you, hitting your boyfriend with an
object and killing him, picking up a knife. i might sound over the top
but how do you think those stories of domestic abuse ending in death
or real hurt start. its like having a little heroin. it usually escalates to
a habit.
- you both need to stop, and focus on finding out why you react like
this and how can learn to react to conflict differently

- walking away when you feel your temper rising and having a time out
- learning more about where your temper comes from - does your
boyfriend hit out and you hit him back - or do you hit him and
then he defends.

either way its bad news and you need to seperate or else
sort it out in therapy both together and seperately

www.accord.ie

Talliesin

heavyheart wrote: »

i could never picture my life without him in it

Always a bad sign

heavyheart wrote: »

this isnt us.

And yet, it is you, isn't it?

heavyheart wrote: »

if you knew us there is no way in a million years you would think we would treat each other this way

Sure we would. Not everyone here came down with the last shower, and know the sort of thing that often happens behind closed doors.

heavyheart wrote: »

... i care about him so much and we are due to be married in the next few months...

The big problem with that is that by this point the wedding has probably got a momentum of its own. So you can't imagine it not happening, but as it comes towards you and you know there's stuff you need to sort out you get caught like a deer in headlights.

What you want to not happen is that in a few months or a few years from now you're looking back at that day and wishing it didn't happen.

And hell, weddings are bloody stressful. If the two of you aren't reacting to stress well then it's not going to be a good time.

You need to either start sorting this out now or call it a day now.

People do change, but generally they don't. Inertia always keeps things going down the same old routes until something gives it a push another way.

If you don't get professional help, you will continue to fight. It will continue to occasionally get violent, and it will only ever get worse.

Fanny Cradock

Beruthiel wrote: »

Abusers aren't assholes 24/7.
Most of the time, they're probably quite nice and you'd never guess.
That doesn't mean they aren't abusers.

You are very quick to label one party alone as an 'abuser' when it seems to me that they are both perpetrators of abuse.

It is worrying that your relationship has come to this. However, it is a good thing that you have recognised that there is a problem. I hope he has had this realisation as well.

It's time stop drinking and high time to see a professional.

Talliesin

So the fact that the both have abusive tendencies means we should just be glad they're with each other?

Sorry, I don't buy that.

dr.bollocko

Jesus the guy isnt a wife beater yet guys. You know pushing someone away, leaading to hitting her head, leading to a retaliation. It sounds like one of the scariest parts of bringing a relationship to the edge and a passionate drink fuelled fight, but the guy did not hit. He pushed her away. I think people need to focus less on their judgement of abusive other half...

Beruthiel

Fanny Cradock wrote: »

You are very quick to label one party alone as an 'abuser' when it seems to me that they are both perpetrators of abuse.

And you are very quick to assume I was talking about one person.
Read my comment again and you will notice I was talking in the plural.

Marksie

Conflict and fighting follow whats known as an earthquake pattern with little tremors leading to a majot blow then settling back down again... and being great for a while
That is the effect.

The cause is something often trivial and/or totally different to what you expect.

That is what you want to get sorted before you go further.

I do not buy into the I love him so much i cant see my life without him rubbish.

Neither am i going to say who is pushing whos buttons and who is or is not the aggressor.

The fact of the matter is you cannot adequately resolve the arguments between you you juts allow the emotions to build explode and subside.

Under no circuymstances should you two get married. All i can see coming from this is bitterness, resentment and hatred..and complete misery for the both of you bound in this because of your inability to face the truth about yourself first and the other next. And I am meaning both of you not juts you or him.

Go to couples guidance counselling and cancel the wedding.

It just appears looking in that its high octane, highs and lows. Yes passion is important in its place, so is acceptance and the ability to juts be comfoartbel with each other. So is confilct resolution.

You have sadi the last argument was about "drink". Ahh a cop out that is...lets blame the drink. Now loko at yourself and the realtinshipn as a whole, why you start the arguments why he does. Why you both allow it to escalate.

You came on here looking for peoples experiences and not advice. But the majority here are giving advice based on experiences.

There is no magic wand in this..you have to face the unpalatable truth and look things right in the eye.

Sometimes you ahve to tear things down to build them up again..either with him or without him.

heavyheart

Wow , now everyone seems to be on expert of how my relationship works..it doesnt matter what i write here cause every single one of you have your own opinions ....
i have been with my partner for over 3 years , in that time he has lost 2 relatives one inlcuding his own brother , in the same 3 years my mother was diagnosed with cancer , he has been with me and i have been with him through thick and thin , what happened to for better or worse ?
how many of you here are in a serious relationship as long as 3 years ?
If someone comes on here and tells me they just simply called off a wedding and walked away from the love of their life as easy as everyone here is making it out to me then talk to me id be all ears ....
Yes , we need help , but whos relationship is perfect ?

Marksie

Why are you here?
The reason everyone has opinions is because they have all been in realtionships?
So they are aware of all the complexities of the situation and the approaches.

So yeah we are "experts".

The defensivness you are displaying is indicatory that you arent an expert on your own.
You are blinding yourself to things and rejecting what people are saying.

In the end its up to you. Your decision. you can fly in the face of it. ignore it and press ahead.

That is your choice.

In the end you can walk into a disaster in the offing or you can take a step back and try to sort it first.

But if you are going to get so defensive, i ask the question again why are you here?
To take on board advice?
or to find the single post from someone whon says, yes go ahead, that one single post out of dozens that says what you want it to say, so you can justify it?

yes, i have been in realtionships over 3 years btw

EdiT: your title of the thread is desperate for advice.... you are getting it. Drop the mills and boon love will conquer all. You are all read experiencing physical violence between both of you.
If you choose to go ahead then you are not walking into sa situation where you ahve the ususal couple problems.
Dont kid yourself

heavyheart

if you actually read back over my posts , ive thanked people for their advice which was generally to get some professional help , which we are going to do ...however , dont for one second think that i am NOT going to defend a relationship that i have put a lot into . I merely bring it up so ye can make your opinions but at least have some more stable info to make that opinion on. everyone seems to have made their jugement on that one night and disregarded everything else that has happened in the 3 years , im merely trying to give you a better picture of my relationship.

Wibbs

Funny enough OP I kinda agree with you. Of course people reading this are only getting a small part of a big story that is your relationship. I think many have become jaded and sometimes at a very young age too. Too many want out rather than work on something, or overreact to one incident and assume escalation. I'm guilty of it myself at times. Indeed people who jump because of trouble can often have relationship issues for life as they never learn to work through them. This is fine, until one day they actually last long enough to get to the altar. Then the fun really starts. Relationships are work. Sometimes hard work. This goes for friends too, but lovers even more so. Some may appear lucky as they don't appear to work at it. Often they do, but it's not obvious or they just both happen to be very easy going flexible people. I would say that's rare enough tbh.

If you have been such a support for each other through both good and tough times and you want this to grow and continue you do need to address the method of argument and how you resolve them if indeed you do. I've found that these issues reoccur because one party thinks it's been resolved when it hasn't. Men in particular often think when the shouting has stopped the problem is gone. I suspect you may be the kind of person who may over react emotionally on a specific issue and not take time out to look at the problem, but just want to get it out. A day later and it has largely blown over and normal service is returned and the issue doesn't seem so serious. He knows this and will try to walk away or wait until the storm has passed. Great, but nothing has been resolved. Rinse and repeat until it has all gotten too much and one walks. In most cases the woman.

If he's a walker and your a talker, then you have to find common ground. I don't put much store by the men are from mars, women are from venus shíte(I'm from earth myself), but there are very general gender differences. You need to try to step back when you get het up and he has to learn to listen. You need to realise that letting it all out achieves little long term with an issue and he has to learn that placating you or tolerating you and waiting for it to blow over is equally fruitless long term.

Marksie

heavyheart wrote: »

I have been living with my fiance for the last 2 years and we love each very very much and i could never picture my life without him in it.... the problem is we cant stop fighting ...the latest blow up involved drink and it got personal and physical .. he pushed me and i hit my head and i retaliated by hitting him back..

heavyheart wrote: »

we are 2 extremley stubborn people and its our downfall.. i dont want to break up with him.. im too scared to lose him..

heavyheart wrote: »

we would probably have a big fight once every couple of months , maybe have petty ones every couple of weeks, its just , that last time we fought was sat night , he lost his keys and wanted to go home and outside we were pickering and he pushed me and i fell back and i hit my head off a lamp post . it got completley out of hand , and i hit him back.

heavyheart wrote: »

Bedihorse ...
we have quite a fiery relationship but before sat night it was always a good fiery relationship , we got on brill had a great laugh have mess fights with each other , very passionate relationship..

heavyheart wrote: »

if you actually read back over my posts , ive thanked people for their advice which was generally to get some professional help , which we are going to do ...however , dont for one second think that i am NOT going to defend a relationship that i have put a lot into . I merely bring it up so ye can make your opinions but at least have some more stable info to make that opinion on. everyone seems to have made their jugement on that one night and disregarded everything else that has happened in the 3 years , im merely trying to give you a better picture of my relationship.

yes i have quoted your previous posts from whihc i have based my posts.

I have removed the "i love him etc" stuff, as that is juts your self justification for staying in it.

OK you defend your realtionship, which you know is goinig to get worse.

I wont recommend marriage in such a situation. I do not belive either of you are currently emotionally mature enough for it.

So the judgement wasnt made on that one night, but on a precieved series of posts where its escalating.

oh an if we are tit fot tatting i said to get it sorted.

heavyheart

That has been ( no offence to any one sorry ) the first post that has actually made so much sense to me... that is exactly what happens, an argument occurs, he wont talk, i get frustrated , then he gets frustrated cause im pressing at him to talk and then voila, one flaming hot argument....a day goes by , both of us are miserable and end up back all lovey dovey like nothing ever happened cause we're just too emotionally drained to fight again....
i just got off the phone to a lady who treats anger mangement and although the treatment sounded good , it cost €750 per person... steep no ??

Marksie

heavyheart wrote: »

i just got off the phone to a lady who treats anger mangement and although the treatment sounded good , it cost €750 per person... steep no ??

How much is your marriage costing?

heavyheart

Marksie , no offence but your post arent helping me... at all. Your approach is a furious one , leave him , get out and dont get married . Im sorry but your opinion is yours , thats just not how i work .
Put yourself in my partners shoes , you made a mistake and someone else is telling your partner to leave you , get out and dont fight to try and make your relationship work . Would you be happy ?

Marksie

Wibbs wrote: »

then you have to find common ground.

Common ground should not be found as the result of a collision with a lamppost

heavyheart

Grow up Marksie , instead of saying , great you no what , you took the first step in contacting someone about your problems , MARKSIE leaves that retarded post. Yea your advice is astounding marksie. Your a real "expert " NOT.

Beruthiel

heavyheart wrote: »

Grow up Marksie , instead of saying , great you no what , you took the first step in contacting someone about your problems , MARKSIE leaves that retarded post. Yea your advice is astounding marksie. Your a real "expert " NOT.

Please calm down.
Just because you don't like what Mark is saying to you, doesn't mean he hasn't got some very valid points.

Now, you came here for opinions, you're getting them. No need to pick on the people who are telling you things you don't want to hear.

At least try being honest with yourself, if your relationship was in such good nick, you wouldn't be on hear asking for help with it.