girlfriend gambling

LegacyUser

hi all
i have a wee problem, my gf of 11 mts has been spending loads of money on online bingo, she promised me last october it had stopped, but it had not, again in january she promised it had stopped, i brought the issue up this weekend and she promised me she has stopped for the last 2 weeks, i have told her we are finished if it continues, what can i do, if it happens again whats the best approach ?, i have got recently got her username and password for the bingo site so i can see if she uses it (bets, deposits etc), as of today she hasnt used it since the 19th of feb (she used to spend over 200 euro a week up until then ..thanks, any advice appreciated

How Strange

what to do wrote: »

hi all
i have a wee problem, my gf of 11 mts has been spending loads of money on online bingo, she promised me last october it had stopped, but it had not, again in january she promised it had stopped, i brought the issue up this weekend and she promised me she has stopped for the last 2 weeks, i have told her we are finished if it continues, what can i do, if it happens again whats the best approach ?,

Why are you always making the ultimatums regarding her using the site? You are seeing each other less than a year, back in Oct you were seeing each other 6 months so she was doing online gambling and you were dictacting to her even back then. IMO, you are far too early in a relationship to be in such a position.

i have got recently got her username and password for the bingo site so i can see if she uses it (bets, deposits etc), as of today she hasnt used it since the 19th of feb (she used to spend over 200 euro a week up until then ..thanks, any advice appreciated

This seems to me to be a big breach of trust on your part. You have no right to look for her username and password.

From your post, I don't detect any affection there for your gf. It seems that she is behaving like a spoilt child and you're like the angry parent figure.

You can't stop someone from doing something they are hell bent on. You can be supportive (not dictacting) to a degree and then you have to realise that they have to fix this problem themselves. At that point you make the decision whether or not you want to stick around for her to get to that stage of realisation. If you bow out then its not a bad reflection on you at all but I think under the present circumstances you assume you have some power over her that will make her stop. You don't.

Miss Fluff

Ask her to cut up her credit cards to show you she is serious.

How much debt is she in?

LegacyUser

hi again
thanks for your replies, how strange i do not think im breaking trust as we intend to move in together (rent) next november and before i make that commitment i have to know what the story is, as she tries to cover up her gambling i feel i am correct in seeing what she gets upto

fluffy as for her destroying her credit cards im sure it would be very easy for her to replace it on the quiet or get a 3v voucher, its not that shes in mega debt but she gives me the sob story about being broke all the time and asks me for money to tie her over till next pay date,

as i said she has not used it for over 2 weeks so all i can do is see will she keep to her word (i doubt it though) all i want is your opinions on what the best approch to the problem is
thanks

Sherifu

Are you sure it's just the one account she has?

biko

Ask her to join gamblers anonymous and be more supportive.

LegacyUser

no she could have any amount of bingo accounts, i think i will have to insist that i see all her bank statements from now on, but then again she could easily open snother bank account so it looks like its a no win situation (scuse the pun)

LegacyUser

i have mentioned that to her biko but she just tosses it to the wind as in she dont have a problem, spose my only approach is play it cool and see will she stay away from betting, but as she may have more than one account i might never know, damn this is driving me mental

Puffin

You know when you are off work sick and you end up watching Oprah and there’s this woman on crying ‘my husband has gambled away our house, and our savings, and my parents money and now we are broke…’ and you think she’s an idiot, why did she believe him when he said he had already stopped? Wasn’t it pretty damn obvious that he was going to get a new credit card and a new loggin? Why didn’t she leave earlier? Why did her parents give them more money when the husband already had a gambling problem?

Break up with her now. Do it for yourself, and do it for her own sake because you walking out of her life might just help her see how much of a problem she has.

How Strange

what to do wrote: »

hi again
thanks for your replies, how strange i do not think im breaking trust as we intend to move in together (rent) next november and before i make that commitment i have to know what the story is, as she tries to cover up her gambling i feel i am correct in seeing what she gets upto

I don't think that living together or planning to gives you the right to infringe the other persons privacy. You know what the story is, she's told you outstraight. She spends her money on bingo websites.

i think i will have to insist that i see all her bank statements from now on, but then again she could easily open snother bank account

Again, I have to question your motives here because you have absolutely no right to insist on looking at her bank statements. I'm with my bf almost 4 years, living together for 2 and I've never seen his bank statement. And I don't want to. What he does with his money is his business.

I think you are controlling and to an extent enabling her gambling by treating her like a child and showing no respect for her privacy. I personally think it is degrading for you to be insisting that another person whom you only know less than a year turns over her bank statement to you to be checked.

Again, it is a bold child/strict parent relationship which doesn't seem to be healthy for either of you.

Don't give her any of your money, leave her to look after her own money and if she spends it on gambling then thats her choice and she will have to suffer the consequences.

You know she has a gambling problem, she has admitted it. Now you have a choice; stay and be supportive until such time as she can/does get help or leave.

Sherifu

what to do wrote: »

no she could have any amount of bingo accounts, i think i will have to insist that i see all her bank statements from now on, but then again she could easily open snother bank account so it looks like its a no win situation (scuse the pun)

As I see it you have three choices:
1. Take complete control of her finances - probably the worst option
2. Put up with it, try to get her to seek help
3.

Puffin wrote: »

Break up with her now. Do it for yourself, and do it for her own sake because you walking out of her life might just help her see how much of a problem she has.

Xavi6

How Strange wrote: »

Again, I have to question your motives here because you have absolutely no right to insist on looking at her bank statements. I'm with my bf almost 4 years, living together for 2 and I've never seen his bank statement. And I don't want to. What he does with his money is his business.

I don't agree with that at all. Fair enough he earns it but if it has a detremental effect on you (or the OP) when it comes to rent/mortgage/loan repayment then of course you have a right to some knowledge of their finances.

This guy wants to move in with his girlfriend but why would he make that commitment to someone who is obvioulsy not good with money and has a problem? It will only lead to more problems and arguments if it affects her paying her way.

I'm with my girlfriend almost 6 years, living together for 1 and she knows how much I earn etc because I have nothing to hide.

How Strange

Xavi6 wrote: »

I don't agree with that at all. Fair enough he earns it but if it has a detremental effect on you (or the OP) when it comes to rent/mortgage/loan repayment then of course you have a right to some knowledge of their finances.

This guy wants to move in with his girlfriend but why would he make that commitment to someone who is obvioulsy not good with money and has a problem? It will only lead to more problems and arguments if it affects her paying her way.

Why move in with her then if there is the possibility of her not being able to pay the rent and bills? I'd say in that situation they would be better not living together until she sorts herself out.

I'm with my girlfriend almost 6 years, living together for 1 and she knows how much I earn etc because I have nothing to hide.

We know how much the other earns too. I know how much he has on his credit card and vice versa. We know how much we have in our bank accounts at any time in the month because if he asks me I'll tell him and vice versa.

But does your gf check your bank statements each month to see what you spend your money on? Does she get your email name and password so she can keep an eye on what you've been up to?

There are limits to what information you're entitled to when you're in a relationship and the other person is entitled to have their privacy respected.

A gambler will not stop gambling because they are being monitored. They will just get more devious; they will tell you what you want to hear and then try alot harder to hide their tracks. In fact, treating an addict this way only makes them worse. It makes them much more secretive.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, how strange what you say is true in most normal circumstances, but this is different, as sherifu said i have 3 choices (she is in a well paid job and cant keep any money) and bums off me so i think my best option is to break up, does anyone think i should tell her parents that she has this problem ?

How Strange

what to do wrote: »

thanks for all your replies, how strange what you say is true in most normal circumstances, but this is different, as sherifu said i have 3 choices (she is in a well paid job and cant keep any money) and bums off me so i think my best option is to break up, does anyone think i should tell her parents that she has this problem ?

Then don't give her any money. Honestly, you would be helping her alot more if you did this. When I say bold child/parent, I also mean that she is probably pushing the boundaries to see what is your breaking point. So far you have chastised her but done very little. Stop giving her loans during the month. That way she will see if she carries on then she will be broke or in debt.

Hmm, I'm not so sure about telling her parents. That is a violation of privacy and it really depends on how serious this habit is.

I think you have two choices and taking control of the finances is not one of them. You are not married so her financial situation has no legal affect on you save paying the rent and bills when you move in together. I honestly think if you are in a relationship where you are allowed to control your gf's finances as a normal course of events for a suspected addiction then it is sick and unhealthy.

She is an adult and she has to take responsibility for how she lives her life. Your choices are put up with it and support her recovery (when she admits she has a problem and seeks help) or break up.

dudara

I would immediately cut off funds as How Strange has mentioned and I would actively encourage her to seek professional advice.

You might consider telling her parents, but it really should only be a last resort. Try to exhaust all other avenues first.

Puffin

telling the parents- you’re probably over stepping the mark here. I’d only recommend talking to her parents about her behind her back if her gambling was genuinely impacting on you (ie you were married and were liable for her debts).

To go to her parent behind her back then announcing your relationship is over strikes me as manipulative and controlling. It also implies that she is inept, and you have responsibility over her and that you need to pass this to another ‘competent person’.

The best thing you can do is explain exactly why you’re breaking up with her. Tell her it’s not that you need some space, or aren’t’ really for a relationship. It’s not that your friends don’t like her or that the sex isn’t good. You are dumping her because going out with someone with a gambling problem is something that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. And don’t let tears etc sway you (the absolute worst thing you can do is to apologise and tell her it will be ‘ok’). It may sound really harsh, but it gives her the most honest picture of the consequences of her behaviour, while respecting the fact that she is capable of taking charge of her own life.

Sprouts

Think it really depends on how much you like the girl, I wouldn't drop a girlfriend or a mate because they had a problem of some sort. Gambling is in my opinion the worst addiction you can have, inside the mind of a gambler is like a fireworks display, its not really the money that matters, its the raised heart beat, the sweaty palms, the euphoric feeling after a big win, the self loathing that follows a big loss, all this happening inside the brain, and you cant spot a thing on the outside. Gamblers are eternal optimists too, each time they bet they think they'll win, its a sickness. Unless your girl admits she has a problem, nothing you do or say will have any effect on her. Think its crossing the line though, telling her parents. She is the only person who can stop this, but you can help by not loaning her money, does sound cruel but its the only way. If shes serious about stopping, she can pick up the phone and ask to be permanently barred from the sites shes using. The opportunities to gamble are limitless now, betting shops open 364 days, opening times extended, the internet though has really opened a can of worms, at least betting shops close, internet never sleeps.

biko

what to do wrote: »

i have mentioned that to her biko but she just tosses it to the wind as in she dont have a problem, spose my only approach is play it cool and see will she stay away from betting, but as she may have more than one account i might never know, damn this is driving me mental

You can only do so much. She is grown up enough to take responsibility for her actions and all you can do now is be supportive, but don't lend her any more money. Best of luck mate!

Wisesmurf

The problem is getting her to realise she has a problem, if indeed she does. How you approach her is paramount, you need to make her believe that you want to help her and you are not treating her like a child.

If she tells the company that she is betting with that she has gambling issues they will block her.

GL

Gyalist

You should read Eric Berne's books on Transactional Analysis and the Parent, Adult & Child. (Google it)

She has put you in a situation where you are her Parent and she is your Child. That is not a sustainable position for the long-term.

i have told her we are finished if it continues, what can i do, if it happens again whats the best approach ?

You have no other option now but to follow through on your ultimatum otherwise she will *never* respect anything you do or say.

The best thing you can do is explain exactly why you’re breaking up with her. Tell her it’s not that you need some space, or aren’t’ really for a relationship. It’s not that your friends don’t like her or that the sex isn’t good. You are dumping her because going out with someone with a gambling problem is something that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. And don’t let tears etc sway you (the absolute worst thing you can do is to apologise and tell her it will be ‘ok’). It may sound really harsh, but it gives her the most honest picture of the consequences of her behaviour, while respecting the fact that she is capable of taking charge of her own life.

Puffin is correct. Read and re-read that post.

Puffin

I don’t wish to be nasty but I have to say I have serious issues with the term ‘she has put you (in this situation)’. NO. She did not ‘put you’ in any situation as illustrated by the fact you know about this, and feel you can easily leave this, before you are married/ own a house together / financially intertwined.

I’d say you’d do well to have a think about the fact you chose to be in a situation when you attempted to ‘rescue’ someone. What is the appeal for you? How did you come to take control of parts of her life (ie her gambling login and pin)? How did that make you feel? Why do you feel you need to talk to her parents? Do you think she will be able to cope without you?

In all probability you are one of those wonderful (and very common) people who have an innate desire to ‘help people’. That desire is natural and good when played out in the correct manner. Perhaps you should look at doing structured volunteer work – there are many organisations that will provide training for you and then have procedures in place to govern and limit how you interact with consumers (the people you are helping). This helps volunteers to ‘care’ and ‘help’ without ‘taking over’ or ‘controlling’ and therefore respects the integrity of the consumer.

And please don’t think I’m being nasty- if more people looked at the role they played in negative relationships (rather than just blame the other person), and then tried to deal with their own behaviour then there would be a lot less people unhappy. And a lot less people blaming everything on their partner.

promethius

Be there for her she will need you

craichoe

Stop giving her money, period.

Its up to her what she spends her money on, if theres an addiction issue there then your making it your problem by supplying her with cash, therefore she is not seeing the consequences of her actions.

phantom_lord

lol bingo. tell her to at least take up a proper gamboooling addiction.

she's prob just running bad btw.

RasTa

Sprouts wrote: »

inside the mind of a gambler is like a fireworks display, its not really the money that matters, its the raised heart beat, the sweaty palms, the euphoric feeling after a big win

and how is this a bad thing?

smurph

I feel there might be a Mustard type ban coming, now back to your own forum, nothing interesting going on here

LuckyLloyd

smurph wrote: »

I feel there might be a Mustard type ban coming, now back to your own forum, nothing interesting going on here

Stop ruining our fun Colette.

And to the original poster - I think you just need to ride out the sick bingo variance because your partner is sure to sink the BIG spin soon enough.

aoife000

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Ask her to cut up her credit cards to show you she is serious.

How much debt is she in?

what good will cutting up her credit cards do? she would need to actually cancel them, if you're doing an online transaction you need the card number, expiry date and security code - doesn't matter whether you have an actual card or not...

aoife000

HoLLLLLaments wrote: »

I give lessons in optimal bingo strategy if she is interested. I also have created software called "bingo tracker" which will help keep track of wins and losses and if you are picking the correct numbers. Im also a lead bingo instructor for BingoRunners where you can watch videos on how to play winning bingo.

Holl why on earth would you think this is good advice - The girl has a gambling problem, so oh ya instead of helping her to stop gambling, I'll help her to win!! Great advice!!

OP, your gf needs to realise and acknowledge that she has a problem before she can kick it. i had a bit of a problem with online bingo, and luckily i knew enough was enough. there was one particular website i had a problem with, but they had a self-exclusion thing, so i just recently self-excluded myself for six months.

saying that i had a problem with a website before that and stopped that because the mgt was ****e and they didn't pay out the winnings properly and i moved on to the other one and got hooked on that, and if i tried another one now, the same thing would probably happen again. so i know to stay away from those websites.

perhaps if your gf is interested she could see if they have a self-exclusion thing on the website she is on. i know i could join again under a different account, but for now just knowing that i'm excluded and that it was my choice to do so is enough for me...

Best of luck with it all anyway

phantom_lord

aoife000 wrote: »

Holl why on earth would you think this is good advice - The girl has a gambling problem, so oh ya instead of helping her to stop gambling, I'll help her to win!! Great advice!!

it wouldn't be a prob if she was winning,

nmk

Sprouts wrote: »

She is the only person who can stop this, but you can help by not loaning her money, does sound cruel but its the only way.

+1

How Strange wrote: »

A gambler will not stop gambling because they are being monitored. They will just get more devious; they will tell you what you want to hear and then try alot harder to hide their tracks. In fact, treating an addict this way only makes them worse. It makes them much more secretive.

+1

If you can appeal to her sense of logic, get her to have a look at the profits made by bookies and online gambling companies. They wouldn't be in business if they weren't so enormously profitable for the companies. Addicts don't walk away when they're losing and it takes a really smart punter to walk away when they've won.

The_Conductor

phantom_lord wrote: »

it wouldn't be a prob if she was winning,

Its an addiction. Winning only encourages it. Its a problem irrespective of whether you are winning or not- people should be encouraged away from it, full stop.

Marksie

Holllllaments: Banned. You do not pimp a site, even under construction especially given this thread

Lazare

what to do wrote: »

hi all
i have a wee problem, my gf of 11 mts has been spending loads of money on online bingo, she promised me last october it had stopped, but it had not, again in january she promised it had stopped, i brought the issue up this weekend and she promised me she has stopped for the last 2 weeks, i have told her we are finished if it continues, what can i do, if it happens again whats the best approach ?, i have got recently got her username and password for the bingo site so i can see if she uses it (bets, deposits etc), as of today she hasnt used it since the 19th of feb (she used to spend over 200 euro a week up until then ..thanks, any advice appreciated

11 [x]
02 [x]
19 [x]
52 [ ]
20 [x]


C'mon you beauty, one time, just one time, 52 52 52



SHIP IIIIITTTT

Marksie

Lazare: I am infracting you and warning you for off topic unhelpful posting. Any more and its a ban

phantom_lord

smccarrick wrote: »

Its an addiction. Winning only encourages it. Its a problem irrespective of whether you are winning or not- people should be encouraged away from it, full stop.

but if she was winning 200yoyos a week what would the problem be?

RasTa

I think Phantom asks a good question here. What if she was winning 200 a week? Would it be called a problem then? I know I know that how much has has she lost would always be in the back of our minds.

The_Conductor

phantom_lord wrote: »

but if she was winning 200yoyos a week what would the problem be?

I majored in applied statistics. The probability of someone consistently winning EUR 200 a week, is simply so improbable. Probability would dictate that while there may be clusters, there is a far higher probability that you simply will not win. Gambling does not involve a skill, other than understanding the particular game you are gambling on- that is where people who are addicted to gambling need a reality check. You can maximise your chances of winning by taking certain precautions- such as researching a horse's history, or a jockey's previous history- but even then, its stacked against you- as odds are similarly shortened to reflect the perceived risk associated with that particular gamble. With bingo- or a random lottery- you can measure the odds of a particular outcome- a particular sequence of numbers, or particular numbers being drawn period. The price associated with this randomness is stacked against the punter- and with random gambles, there are no outside factors that can be drawn upon on which to shorten the odds. Its simply stacked against you.

What the OP has described is an addiction- where the person is simply incapable of stopping themselves from continuously placing wagers in a random gamble that is stacked against them. They will occasionally win, they may even have what they see to be a winning streak. But an even higher probability than a winning streak is a protracted loosing streak. Small wins on lesser wagers, which are statistically more probable, whet the gambler's appetite to continue- in the hope of hitting the big pot, in the course of events normally ploughing any small winnings back into the gamble in a never ending cycle. Often the only thing that makes them stop is when they have nothing left to gamble with- and the priority they put on gambling money can exceed the priority they put on their rent or food money- which is crazy.

I've visited casinos, and have looked on in curiosity at what people are doing. While I understand what they are doing- psychologically it is an addiction, just as certain as alcohol or nicotene, and every bit as depressing to those affected by it (normally those close to the person, not the person themselves, such as the OP).

aoife000

phantom_lord wrote: »

it wouldn't be a prob if she was winning,

wrong. it's nothing to do with the money. it's an addiction. full stop. takes over ur life. the money wasted is not the only issue

aoife000

phantom_lord wrote: »

it wouldn't be a prob if she was winning,

wrong. it's nothing to do with the money. it's an addiction. full stop. takes over ur life. the money wasted is not the only issue

estar

i didnt think it was possible to even win or lose large amounts on bingo?

anyway -

the problem isnt the money the problem is that
its obviously out of control and unless shes an heiress with
a trust fund thats just not good for her.

trying to control her behaviour and setting rules
wont work for addiction though

she has to make that decision herself. say that as long as she
spends that much money on bingo you cant move in with her
or see a long term future.

and say that one of the first signs of addiction is lack
of control, and affects on personal relationships

would she be happy if you spent 200 euro on drink /
drugs / clothes / mc donalds / whatever

prob not

just because its bingo and sounds innocuous

it isnt

the fact is it isnt even gambling with good odds

the most important thing for you to establish

- what is she trying to avoid or what emotions is
she blocking with the addiction - lonliness, isolation,
depression, anger, fear

it is filling a need she has

what is that need and how else can it be expressed
or filled

Sprouts

Was trying th explain the high, involved in gambling, this is waht a gambler seeks, it's not really for the money, as mad as it sounds. Its for the adrenalin rush.

phantom_lord

Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...

.

Sprouts

Phantom lord lol, if you cant laugh in life

smurph

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Stop ruining our fun Colette.

And to the original poster - I think you just need to ride out the sick bingo variance because your partner is sure to sink the BIG spin soon enough.

LMAO,,,, I'd rather remove my spleen than play bingo,

Marksie

Sprouts, phantom_lord and smurph: Read the charter on off toipic unhelpful posting.

If you cant add anything to the discussion then dont post.

The humour forum is that way ---->

Marksie

estar wrote: »

i didnt think it was possible to even win or lose large amounts on bingo?

Strangely enough you can. My elderly mum plays once a week in the UK.

People come in to play bingo, then during the breaks head towards the slot machines. Its not uncommon for them to blow a good proportion of their weekly budget. Though i am not sure they have slort machines here, but the costs of the bingo cards alone adds up.



Like anything it becomes an addiction if you are not careful