Friends vs Fella

babydoll2008

Hey all
I dont no what to do. i met a guy the weekend who has the background of a bad boy and the scars and stories to go with them. :eek: I will admitt i did judge him straight off but as the night went on i was shown a total different side of him that id like to see in every guy!! He was so sweet, thoughful, and he talked! as in he communicated his side of what ever we were talking about unlike a lot of lads i know.
He walked me home and we talked all night, sex was never pushed nor did it happen.
We didnt swap numbers as we agreed none of the two of us were looking for anything and he didnt think that he would be welcome in my world [as in my friends wouldnt be too impressed] and his is too dangerous for a girl who has never seen or withnessed such an area of disadvantage.
Anyway to cut the story short, last night he texted me[i work with a mate of his and he got the number off him] we were texting for ages and he asked if i would like to meet up this week, i used college as an excuse and said id get back to him. i ran it by my friends and the minute i said where he was from all i got was "what the **** are you playing at??"
I would love to get to know this lad a lot more but i dont want to lose my girlfriends over it either, mates before dates is always what we went by. but i want to get to know him and im prepared to take the risk of getting hurt again.

John Mason

why are you listening to your friends? they are not the people who will be going out on a date with him. if you like him, meet him.

Mazeire

I'm a bit lost why exactly would you lose friends if you went out with this guy? Because of his repuatation? How old are ye?

babydoll2008

Im 22 and he's 25.
My friends have gotten me through ssooo much and i dont want to lose them but i know if i date this guy they wont want to get to know him or want at the house or at parties. He told me he doesnt do drugs and i believe him but the girls dont.
Every city has an area of disadvantage [as in a rough spot] he's from that type of area.

little lady

If being friends with him or dating him is going to put you in danger then I would say stay away.

He could be playing the nice guy card to lull you into a false sense of security or he could genuinely be a nice guy, only you can decide that.

As for your friends, they are only looking out for you but you can’t always judge a person by the area they come from. However if they know of this guy and his reputation and the stories are true then maybe you should heed the warning of your friends.

If you decide to go out with him or get to know him a bit more you don’t necessarily have to introduce to your friends straight away, the two of you could always hang out together.

Try to look at him objectively as it can be hard to see the bad side of someone if you like them. Also try look at the situation from your friends point of view and see what you would do and say.

justsomebloke

I know a lot of people from "those sort of areas" and I also know a lot of people from the other side of the tracks as well. Truthfully you have as much chance of meeting a nice person from "those sort of areas" as you do from a posh area and vice versa.

Your friends sound like stuck up cows in all fairness if they are purely basing it all on the area he is from.

However when you say he is a "bad boy with the scars to prove it" what do you mean by this, what sort of stuff has he been involved with. Is it in his past and still part of his life? Have you told your friends about this aspect cause if so this may be the part they are worried about, and depending on what it is I may tend to agree. Yes he may be a good lad but if he still travels in the wrong circles trouble will follow and do you want to get yourself into that type of situation

seahorse

babydoll2008 wrote: »

We didnt swap numbers as we agreed none of the two of us were looking for anything and he didnt think that he would be welcome in my world [as in my friends wouldnt be too impressed] and his is too dangerous for a girl who has never seen or withnessed such an area of disadvantage.

That is such a ridiculous statement. Where does he live? The Gaza strip?! I'm sorry, but you sound like someone who thinks she's just stepped down from an ivory tower and is considering doing a charitable act among the plebeians. This really isn't an attitude this bloke, or any bloke, will want or need.

babydoll2008 wrote: »

Anyway to cut the story short, last night he texted me[i work with a mate of his and he got the number off him] we were texting for ages and he asked if i would like to meet up this week, i used college as an excuse and said id get back to him. i ran it by my friends and the minute i said where he was from all i got was "what the **** are you playing at??"

Why would you run someone you were considering seeing by your friends? Why do you feel you need their approval over an area of your life that is none of their business to dictate? They've shown themselves to be a bunch of narrow minded snobs and I don't expect you to like the sound of this, but by the tone of your post your own attitude doesn't sound much different.

Zulu

Generally speaking adults make up their own mind; children do what they are told.

Don't get me wrong: I understand you are looking for advice, but comments like: "mates before dates" aren't ones you should strive to guide your adult life by.

You need to make an adult decision - don't be a coward and let your friend make it for you.

john_aero

hard one to call, your friends will tell you things you wont spot when blinded by fancying someone, but then again it is you who has to make the decision.

aye

thats ridiculous, where are you from?
your friends sound like idiots to me.
i have gone out with girl from these so called rough areas, not one of my mates battered an eyelid, and if they did i would tell them where to go.

it not about where they are from, its about how you too get on, and how you feel when you are around them.

maybe this is difference between male and female, blokes dont really care where the girl is from, girls are more into the area code.

Riesen_Meal

I cant believe im reading this thread, and I also cant believe your going to listen to your friends over what your thinking, if he's a nice guy go with it, we've all done silly things in our past, myself included, and why do you say a "disadvantaged area" ? People make mistakes, and people learn from mistakes they make, so they dont make them again!!!

Dont listen to your mates on this one, no matter how much they help you, they are your mates, thats what they are there for!

Compare Ireland to any other country in the world, our disadvantaged areas are like Beverly Hills in comparison!

Also, why do people (such as yourself) care where people are from?
Does it bother you? Would you be afraid to introduce him to your parents?
Oh mam "this is mark from (insert "bad" area here)" (your mother proceeds to lock the house and call the gardai.... lol

As long as people respect me and I respect them, I dont care were they are from!

babydoll2008

No he's not from the Gaza and if you read the second post i sent you would have understood more.
The scars and stories im talking about are the remains of getting stabbed,shot,fights and a lot more.
I havent told my friends anything other than how sound he is and where he is from. We dont live in ivory towers and dont expect a red carpet to be rolled out for us, we all work for our money and shock/horror we actually arent stuck up dispite what it may sound like.

john_aero

i would lie say 1 point. my friend had by friend sort of like this. he was kinda sweet etc. but her friends warned her away. sure enough true colours came true slowly but she didnt notice how bad he ended up treating her. so be careful and do look at his past in general but dont judge him either on it.

also your friends will see things you miss and you can tella lot by his personality by his friends also

little lady

babydoll2008 wrote: »

The scars and stories im talking about are the remains of getting stabbed,shot,fights and a lot more.

Seriously, it's no wonder your friends are telling you not to date him. He may be the nicest person in the world but do you REALLY want to get involved with someone who's life involves being stabbed and shot???? Obviously the gorup of people he associates with are not THAT nice.

In this situation I'd listen to your friends and give him a miss.

justsomebloke

babydoll2008 wrote: »

The scars and stories im talking about are the remains of getting stabbed,shot,fights and a lot more.

Sorry this is all I would pretty much need to know to realise that you are getting in well over your depth. It doesn't matter where you are from you don't have to get caught up in this sort of crap if you don't want to. He has and if he hasn't moved away from the area that it happened and matured and probably changed his circle of friends chances are he will end up in the same sort of crap again.

Truthfully your friends are probably right to be worried just for the wrong reason. *



*ok technically speaking they where worried for the right reason however where basing it on stereotypical assumptions which for the most part aren't true however this bloke does fit that bill that they are talking about

_blank_

He's too good for you.

You have already judged him on the place he comes from, even though he is a nice guy.

He went to the trouble of finding out your number and getting in touch with you.

You got on well with him, but still, you and your gaggle of friends are judging the guy on his accent and appearance.

Leave him alone, let him find a girl who doesn't lead her life on the whims of her "girlfriends" tbh.

seahorse

babydoll2008 wrote: »

No he's not from the Gaza and if you read the second post i sent you would have understood more.
The scars and stories im talking about are the remains of getting stabbed,shot,fights and a lot more.
I havent told my friends anything other than how sound he is and where he is from. We dont live in ivory towers and dont expect a red carpet to be rolled out for us, we all work for our money and shock/horror we actually arent stuck up dispite what it may sound like.

I'd advise you, or any young woman, to stay away from a man who was littered with the scars of having been stabbed and shot. Your friends are not advising you on this basis; as you say yourself, they are discriminating against this person on the basis of area code alone.

My advice to you would be to find a man who isn't riddled with the scars of bullet-wounds and, while you're at it, to find yourself some new friends who are not so clearly snobs. (Oh and by the way, I am from an area of extreme disadvantage and, shock/horror, I work for my money too! :eek:)

John Mason

LOL, my ex had a few stabs scars that didnt make him a bad person. he was in the wrong place at the wrong time - my god how judgemental are you people

john_aero

well i have a good friend who have been stabbed beaten up etc and he is the nicest lad in the world. i would trust him better than all my other friends, BUT i wouldnt let some oen go out with him. as nice as someone may be doenst make them good bf material so just be careful. dont loose your friends over it either, but dont let your friends tell you how to live your life

little lady

irishbird wrote: »

LOL, my ex had a few stabs scars that didnt make him a bad person. he was in the wrong place at the wrong time - my god how judgemental are you people

But the guy the OP is talking about has scars from being stabbed and shot and also has a background of being in trouble. I don't think this is a case of wrong place wrong time

Zulu

little lady wrote: »

I don't think this is a case of wrong place wrong time

Well - maybe twice?

babydoll2008

I'll clarify it for ye, it wasnt wrong place wrong time.

seahorse

irishbird wrote: »

LOL, my ex had a few stabs scars that didnt make him a bad person. he was in the wrong place at the wrong time - my god how judgemental are you people

I've got a scar on my hand, slashmarks down my forearm, and several on my head (under my hairline, lucky me) from having sustained stab wounds with broken bottles when I was injured in an unprovoked attack by a gang on drunks a couple of years back - it doesn't make me a bad person either. The OP is taking about stab wounds, bullet wounds and a generally troublesome past, crime filled, by the sounds of it. It is not remotely the same thing.

LaVidaLoca

Sounds to me like you are psychologically setting yourself up for one of two classic female romantic mistakes:

(1) The "Romeo and Juliet" fantasy: The idea that love is more intense and romantic if it happens between two people who are from hugely different backgrounds.

(2) The "I Can Change Him" fantasy: The idea that inside a guy who is "a bad boy" (read 'violent criminal' in this case) there is actually just a lost little boy inside, that (and this is key) only you will have access to.

With probably just a little bit of (3) The "Teenage Rebellion" fantasy: Going out with this guy will really piss me parents off.

Little newsflash for you:

While there's no reason not to love someone who comes from an economically deprived background, or grew up in a rough neighbourhood, anyone in Ireland that has scars from "being shot" is somebody you should stay far, far away from. One does not get shot in Ireland by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You have to be up to your balls in some pretty dodgy **** before that is likely to happen to you.

This guy sound like the sort of dude you would do well to emigrate to Argentina to avoid, never mind go on another date with.

John Mason

little lady wrote: »

But the guy the OP is talking about has scars from being stabbed and shot and also has a background of being in trouble. I don't think this is a case of wrong place wrong time

LOL, my ex wasnt exactly the clean living churching going guy, he made mistake in the past, yes, he came from a bad bad area where you had to fight to stay alive (seriously, i am not kidding) but that he not who he was, that is what he became out of a need for survivial. But he changed his life, got a masters in History and English. You have no right to judge anyone for where they come from, and what they have done in the past. everyone deserves a fair chance

babydoll2008

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

Sounds to me like you are psychologically setting yourself up for one of two classic female romantic mistakes:

(1) The "Romeo and Juliet" fantasy: The idea that love is more intense and romantic if it happens between two people who are from hugely different backgrounds.

(2) The "I Can Change Him" fantasy: The idea that inside a guy who is "a bad boy" (read 'violent criminal' in this case) there is actually just a lost little boy inside, that (and this is key) only you will have access to.

With probably just a little bit of (3) The "Teenage Rebellion" fantasy: Going out with this guy will really piss me parents off.



Romeo and Juliet - ok no.
I Can Change Him Fantasy - if i want to change him why be with him??
Teenage Rebellion - my parents arent the ones going out with him.



This guy sound like the sort of dude you would do well to emigrate to Argentina to avoid, never mind go on another date with.


Do you want me to send you on a ticket??
Im not asking you to go on a date with him, im not asking you to judge me, or im not asking you to tell me what you would do. I was asking for someone to tell me if they have had experience with this type of a situation.

John Mason

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

..........grew up in a rough neighbourhood, anyone in Ireland that has scars from "being shot" is somebody you should stay far, far away from. One does not get shot in Ireland by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You have to be up to your balls in some pretty dodgy **** before that is likely to happen to you.

like that plumber that was shot in finglas like? or that 18 year old girl at the party, or that eastern european lady in swords, or that guy in the garage in clondalkin

or like someone in the army or the police

babydoll2008

Thank You Irish Bird!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seamus

irishbird wrote: »

like that plumber that was shot in finglas like? or that 18 year old girl at the party, or that eastern european lady in swords, or that guy in the garage in clondalkin

or like someone in the army or the police

Someone who has multiple scars from multiple incidents hasn't just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time, unless they're the most unlucky person in the world. Multiple serious injuries from weapons, caused during multiple incidents is a clear record of a history of getting involved in bad ****.

If he was in the military or police, I'm sure that would have been mentioned already.

The only exception would be a refugee - many of these people come if from ****ed up countries and have suffered serious abuse in their country, resulting in bad scarring on their body. One thing you will notice with Africans in particular is that many of them have vicious scars down the side of their face.

There is no excuse for similar injuries in Ireland unless you've been working serially as a scumbag.

seahorse

Irishbird has made a good point there; unfortunately there are people who get shot for no good reason, in this day and age a person by no means needs to but involved in dodgy sh!t for that to happen; but since you've said that in this mans case it was not a matter of wrong place wrong time I don't see how the cases she's highlighted relate to the man you're considering going out with.

little lady

irishbird wrote: »

You have no right to judge anyone for where they come from, and what they have done in the past.

Obviously you missed my earlier post where I mentioned that you can't always judge someone from where they live.

Yes I agree that everyone deserves a second chance but most people who grow up hanging around with a rough or dodgy group and who end up being shot and stabbed don't or can't get out of the cycle. If the guy that the OP is talking about is still involved in this behaviour then I think she would be foolish to get involved with him and possibly put herself in danger.

babydoll2008 wrote: »

Thank You Irish Bird!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP you sound like you only want people to agree with you seeing him. It is your choice and if you do I would be very careful of the situations you get yourself in to with him. If he is changing or has changed (which I don't think he has from your posts) the fine otherwise be very creful.

LaVidaLoca

I may have no right to do it. But Im doing it anyway.

And if you have any sense, you should too.

From what you have told us, this guy is most likely bad news, and your friends are rightly trying to tell you this, and you are refusing to listen. You of course have a right to do this, but they would be neglecting their duty as friends if they didnt tell you this.

As for the offer of a ticket to Argentina, hmm let me see....sunshine everyday, beautiful women, fantastic food, amazing music, and a culture that isnt based solely around getting mashed out of your head on booze...sign me up!!

CrazyNoob

OP it depends why your friends are freaking out

They are probably just concerned
First off this guy was clearly in and around trouble - that would be sending warning lights going off in my head
He may well have left it behind him - but trouble likes to hang around even if he doesnt want it too

IMO It sounds like already too much hassle, but ask your freinds why they concerned or is it just snobbery?

Sometimes the gaps are just too difficult or awkward to bridge

Richie860504

Folks,

I don't think it says anywhere here that he is still involved in anything. Maybe he has had a bad past and has changed only getting to know him will the op be make up her mind about this. As the saying goes you can't judge a book by it's cover. It's wrong to judge a person that you don't even know.

O.P: If he has changed you will know in a couple of weeks. Maybe you should meet up with him and get to know him a bit better before deciding on what to do. As for your friends, their only looking out for you. Obviously they've heards stories about him, but what you need to know is when was the last time they heard one of these stories. If it was within the last month stay away, if it was ages ago give him a chance. Your friends are not stuck up, everybody will judge people who have bad backgrounds, anyway has he ever inflicted pain on another person. Cause this could be the reason for this. It's not just fisty cuffs anymore, if people have a grudge they come back with knives and the likes. If he has done damage to other people again stay away, I think this could only spell trouble. This is my opinion. Your the person who has to make the choice so do what you think is right.

seamus

Richie860504 wrote: »

I don't think it says anywhere here that he is still involved in anything. Maybe he has had a bad past and has changed only getting to know him will the op be make up her mind about this. As the saying goes you can't judge a book by it's cover. It's wrong to judge a person that you don't even know.

I think this kind of does:

and his is too dangerous for a girl who has never seen or withnessed such an area of disadvantage.

Anyone who wasn't involved in this stuff any more wouldn't make a comment like that.

cowzerp

Im from 1 of the roughest areas in dublin and proud of my upbringing, will never let anyone talk down to me for it-but im not a scummer and have not been shot stabbed etc.. been in many situations but dont mix with people who would be into weapons an all, the op seems to know that this lad does and is bad news but is forgetting all this because he showed her some positive attention-my advice, dont go there!

also dont judge people by area code, thats just snobbery.

Puffin

The issue isn’t that he comes form a disadvantaged area- lots of people who you meet and who chat about their job, or ask if you have seen a certain film, or invite you to a match happen to come from a disadvantaged area.

The issue is that the first time he met you he spend the entire time talking about how his world would be ‘too dangerous’ for a girl like you. What the hell does that mean anyway? You have to ask yourself, where is someone’s head at when there conversation is about how tough, and dangerous and scarred their life is?

I can’t help but think that he ENJOYS the idea that he is ‘dangerous’. And that is scary.

LaVidaLoca

a genuinely dodgy geezer or (worse) one of those arses who gets a buzz out of pretending to be a dodgy geezer.

"My world is too dangerous for you". Jesus if that doesnt send you running on the grounds of taste alone I cant help.

Dudess

OP, this is all very ambiguous - has he been involved in violent crime or not? If he has, then keep away. You're kinda saying he has, but then when irishbird suggested he might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, you were all grateful to her for being understanding... but if he has been involved in violent crime, then irishbird's comment isn't really relevant is it?

Since your friends are obviously so important to you (and mentioned in the thread title), I'd also like to say this: leaving everything else aside, the fact that they were appalled and kinda enraged at you for expressing your interest in this guy purely on the basis of where he's from (you have not indicated that you mentioned anything else about him) is kinda unbelievable really. I'm just trying to put myself in their shoes - a mate tells me she's met a guy she fancies and who seems really lovely, he's from Ballymun... nope, can't empathise with where your mates are coming from. Seems like you have to comply with certain standards in order to be accepted into their circle, and this is masqueraded as "caring" about your welfare.

It's also baffling that you feel the need to seek their approval regarding who you go out with - how dare they put that pressure on you?! So what if they've been good to you? Good deeds between friends shouldn't come with conditions attached. That kinda stuff went on among girls in my class when I was 16; when I was 22 it just didn't seem to happen among my peers. And if it did, it would have been considered downright weird and unhealthy.

seahorse

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

"My world is too dangerous for you". Jesus if that doesnt send you running on the grounds of taste alone I cant help.

I wish some eejit would say that to me; I could do with the laugh!

LaVidaLoca

I think a hell of a lot of Irish people, do discriminate on the basis of accent and the area somebody comes from (not saying they should but they do) - we are a highly class-conscious society.

But nobody is saying that this guy is bad cause of where he's from. He's bad because he has more than likely been and still is involved in violent crime.

If that is the case her friends are very right to intervene.

Dudess

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

But nobody is saying that this guy is bad cause of where he's from. He's bad because he has more than likely been and still is involved in violent crime.

If that is the case her friends are very right to intervene.

Indeed, but the OP says she got the enraged response from her mates purely on the basis of saying where he's from, nothing else about him.
And aside from that, the fact that she feels she should get their approval before going out with someone - what kind of friends would be like that? (Unless he's a complete sh1t or scumbag, yes, but as I said, she didn't give any such details to her mates).

funk-you

jsb wrote: »

Your friends sound like stuck up cows in all fairness if they are purely basing it all on the area he is from.

+1

I'm originally from Donamede then moved to Castleknock then London Then Limerick. Who cares where he's from. Make the judegement based on whether you feel safe with him. If you do, go for it. If you don't don't.

-Funk

EDIT: I've got the scars too btw and still ended up having a great job and would consider myself a nice guy. I also now go out with a Judges daughter. Where you're from means f\ck all.

Rob_l

DesF wrote: »

He's too good for you.

You have already judged him on the place he comes from, even though he is a nice guy.

He went to the trouble of finding out your number and getting in touch with you.

You got on well with him, but still, you and your gaggle of friends are judging the guy on his accent and appearance.

Leave him alone, let him find a girl who doesn't lead her life on the whims of her "girlfriends" tbh.

I agree with Des here your too snobbish for a decent bloke leave him alone before you get annoyed he hasn't bought you the latest prada bag :rolleyes:

_blank_

OMG, like, my gf lives in, like, Finglas. :eek:

I went over to, like, visit her yesterday. OMG, there were, like, police cars all over the place, and the police chopper wouldn't, like, go away.

I think someone was, like, shot or stabbed or something.

I am, like, so dumping her ass for being from there.

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

seahorse

Dudess wrote: »

Indeed, but the OP says she got the enraged response from her mates purely on the basis of saying where he's from, nothing else about him.

This is true; I think some of the posters must have missed this quote:

babydoll2008 wrote: »

The scars and stories im talking about are the remains of getting stabbed,shot,fights and a lot more. I havent told my friends anything other than how sound he is and where he is from.

Dudess wrote: »

And aside from that, the fact that she feels she should get their approval before going out with someone - what kind of friends would be like that? (Unless he's a complete sh1t or scumbag, yes, but as I said, she didn't give any such details to her mates).

Apparently those details were unnecessary Dudess; according to the OP where he's from is all they need to know. :rolleyes:

Dudess

Good god yes, I just noticed that now! OP, make some new friends for goodness' sake!

funk-you wrote: »

I've got the scars too btw

From shootings and stabbings?

Rob_l wrote: »

I agree with Des here your too snobbish for a decent bloke leave him alone before you get annoyed he hasn't bought you the latest prada bag :rolleyes:

DesF wrote: »

OMG, like, my gf lives in, like, Finglas. :eek:

I went over to, like, visit her yesterday. OMG, there were, like, police cars all over the place, and the police chopper wouldn't, like, go away.

I think someone was, like, shot or stabbed or something.

I am, like, so dumping her ass for being from there.

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Ah come on, guys. You're being ridiculous. Sure, the OP's friends seem like idiots for being horrified purely on the basis of where he's from, but that's not what the OP's concerned with, rather the fact that he may be involved in seriously dangerous sh1t. She hasn't said a word about only wanting to be with a guy who can buy her Prada bags (which plenty of scumbags can afford, by the way ).

john_aero

simple fact, if he has no respect for himmself how will you trust someone to not get you in danger. you can tell what some one is like by their friends. if he spends time with wasters and scumbags then 99% chance he is one too. we can all put on a nice sweet act for the 1st while to get you roped in

Dudess

I wonder though, considering how honest he's been, maybe he's trying to turn over a new leaf?

Rob_l

john_aero wrote: »

simple fact, if he has no respect for himmself how will you trust someone to not get you in danger. you can tell what some one is like by their friends. if he spends time with wasters and scumbags then 99% chance he is one too. we can all put on a nice sweet act for the 1st while to get you roped in

By your logic it is this girls intended then who should be worried because judging her by her own friends would not yield complimentary results.


Anyway Judging a book by the cover FTW is it?

john_aero

oh i know as i was writing it i knew some one would see that part. welll easiest thing is take it realy slow and see how it pans out