People think i am gay

dihaemef

i am in late twenties and have never really had a girlfriend. a lot of people think i am gay. They gossip, make jokes, innuendo, rumours etc. It really annoys me but i dont challenge it. i am very passive. recently a family friend made a comment and i almost hit him. he had been saying things for a while and i was pissed of with him. However he didnt mean in malicously and didnt know i was pissed off. now we have fallen out. i dont know what to do. i am pissed off but but feel a bit guilty. also this has made people wonder why i got so annoyed and has made things worse

Tar.Aldarion

What is your question questionably sexual man?

AARRRGH

If you've never really had a girlfriend, and you look and act gay (do you look and act gay?), people are going to think you're gay.

That's pretty normal I reckon...

togster

Well are you gay? If not screw what they think. And if anyone says it again asks them if they are.

passive

You left out the part where you're sure you're not... Are you interested in girls?

dihaemef

passive wrote: »

You left out the part where you're sure you're not... Are you interested in girls?

i am 100% sure i am not. i dont look or act gay

Overheal

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrosexual

either way sort out this insecurity now cos girls can smell it off you at the near primal level.

dihaemef

i am not metrosexual either. people think i am gay because they dont seee me with a girfriend its nothing to do with the way i act or look.(some people think i am insecure or shy which is actually true)

hupyago

just talk to women more and enjoy females more often
If they give you stick give it back to them
don't be a whipping boy
stand up for yourself
I had similar problems
Its just people who have nothing better to say and are cruel petty and ignorant
good luck

dihaemef

ok the guy who made the comment did annoy and has been annoying me for a while by making comments and jokes. however i am a very passive and very unassertive person and he didnt realise hes annoying me. however i knew i was annoyed with him before but didnt know why. i should have said something to him sooner instead of letting it all build up in me.but now i am not speaking to him(and feel a bit guilty).

hupyago

btw there are dating site ads in the google ads segment of the page on my screen n e who

AARRRGH

dihaemef wrote: »

a lot of people think i am gay. They gossip, make jokes, innuendo, rumours etc

I'm sorry, but if a lot of people think you are gay, and they talk about it often, it does suggest to me you must be doing something which seems a bit gay.

Being single isn't enough for a lot of people to think you're gay, or for a lot of people to gossip about you being gay.

Are you short and slim?

Are you really into fashion?

Do you have a high pitched voice?

BTW are you Irish?

Beetlebum

Overheal wrote: »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrosexual

either way sort out this insecurity now cos girls can smell it off you at the near primal level.

Hee hee....your reponses make me smile almost every time!

paul666

dihaemef wrote: »

i am 100% sure i am not. i dont look or act gay

I no its harder said than done but try not worry what other people say
just get on with your own life and if you know that you are not gay .. well what do you have to be worrying about then.
let people think or say what they want, laugh it off, be a man tell them to feck off and then proove them wrong in your own time

spurious

I am gay. People presume I am straight all the time. It's ignorant and annoying but not the end of the world. I suspect they have little going on in their lives and need to speculate about other people.

I know it's hard to do, but ignore them. The sort of people who think not having a girlfriend, or being gentle, or being interested in the arts, or any of the other 'classic signs' means you are gay are to be pitied really - life will give them a terrible shock if they think they can 'spot' the gay people in the world.

AARRRGH

spurious wrote: »

I am gay. People presume I am straight all the time. It's ignorant and annoying but not the end of the world.

This is different though. Most people are straight (only 1 in 10 are gay?) so it is completely reasonable to assume you are straight. Also, being straight has no stigma attached.

TEDDYBEAR90

Maybe you are just more in touch with your feminine side, i wouldnt worry about what other people think.

dihaemef

dublindude wrote: »

I'm sorry, but if a lot of people think you are gay, and they talk about it often, it does suggest to me you must be doing something which seems a bit gay.

Being single isn't enough for a lot of people to think you're gay, or for a lot of people to gossip about you being gay.

Are you short and slim?

Are you really into fashion?

Do you have a high pitched voice?

BTW are you Irish?

being single for a long time. from a small town. I dont have high pitched voice.if i had i would say. am i into fashion? well i buy levis sometimes dont think that counts.

paul666

dihaemef wrote: »

from a small town.

there ya go thats your answer. people are just havin an ould bit of a gossip. they are stirrin the **** because feck all else happens there.

Have u not had a girlfriend cos ur happy to live the single life and chase girls or have u not had a girlfriend cos u dont get with girls?

dihaemef

i have a total lack of confidence

MIN2511

Lack of confidence isn't enough to make them think you are gay

Jackz

Lack of confidence = no chicks = people who were married by 21 thinking somebody single in 20's is gay.

Overheal

spurious wrote: »

I am gay. People presume I am straight all the time. It's ignorant and annoying but not the end of the world. I suspect they have little going on in their lives and need to speculate about other people.

I know it's hard to do, but ignore them. The sort of people who think not having a girlfriend, or being gentle, or being interested in the arts, or any of the other 'classic signs' means you are gay are to be pitied really - life will give them a terrible shock if they think they can 'spot' the gay people in the world.

So I assume you're 'out' anyway. I know a couple gays/bi's myself: they will come out in college and thats grand; they get on, theyre confident in their own skin, but it strikes me that none of them of whom I know has come out to the parents. One of them has even become so terrified of doing so they've become their parent's lapdog.

[/aside]

Which makes me wonder if its not just a confidence thing OP. I used to get very awkward when topics of sex and sexuality and dating came up at the table and people used to think I was in the closet because of it. Clearly, discussion of sexuality makes you feel uncomfortable and people are picking up on this; so they are accusing you of being gay and poking fun at you. In most cases (or at least in mine) these people dont honestly think you're gay but they more often think its time to buck up a bit. If you still get phobias about cooties when you see this:

http://wirelessdigest.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/george_clooney.jpg

then its probably time to sort it out. You've admitted yourself you're insecure. So get secure. Realise that looking at George Clooney (handsome gent, that all men get judge against by wimmins) is not going to turn you gay. Only God and Gay Superweapons can do that.

tk123

Is your problem that you have no confidence or that they think you're gay or both!? People think i'm gay all the time because shock horror i'm a girl with short hair. I could grow it to please them but I'd rather have it the way I want to please me!! Anyhoos just stand up to them you dont have to beat the guy up or anything just make him feel stupid - example the guy whos slagging you - tell him your are gay because he turned you gay because you thought he was gay too etc etc etc (the excessive use of the word gay will freak him out too btw)

spurious

dublindude wrote: »

being straight has no stigma attached.

Hmmm, for straight people maybe.

CerebralCortex

Op you're not alone. I've had similar a experience. I think its quite common in rural Ireland for this to happen, and to a certain extent it can be vicious imo. The positive action I took was to remove myself from the company of the insecure. I wouldn't consider someone a friend who judged or made assumptions about you regardless of your sexuality (its absolutely no ones business but yours). Imho you should drop people like that. If you're in a comunity like that I personally think its time for you to get outta there.

MIN2511

Out of curiousity, is there anything wrong being gay? I didn't think so, people are entitled to their own opinions.
If you are not gay, stop letting this bother you

Dudess

To me, it's simple: if people assume you're gay simply because you've never had a serious girlfriend (and yes, I'd believe there are people with that outlook) they're idiots and you aren't missing out by not having anything to do with them. Fukk what they think. Learn to be happy in yourself - that's what's important, not the views of a bunch of morons, some of whom might even be jealous that you've the luxury of being footloose and fancy-free.

As for not meeting a girl yet - who says it's gonna happen for everyone definitely? And if people make smart comments, then ask them how you're supposed to just produce a girl you're madly in love with out of thin air.

dihaemef

tk123 wrote: »

Is your problem that you have no confidence or that they think you're gay or both!? People think i'm gay all the time because shock horror i'm a girl with short hair. I could grow it to please them but I'd rather have it the way I want to please me!! Anyhoos just stand up to them you dont have to beat the guy up or anything just make him feel stupid - example the guy whos slagging you - tell him your are gay because he turned you gay because you thought he was gay too etc etc etc (the excessive use of the word gay will freak him out too btw)

actually i've a lot of probs but the reason i made the post is: this guy has been annoying me(without him knowing hes been annoying me) and i got pretty angry with him. i'm not violent but he thought i was going to hit him. i am angry but feel a bad for being aggressive

Mrs OBumble

OP, firstly, are you wanting advice re what to do about the issue with the family friend? Or the people assuming you're gay? Or both? You've said "I don't know what to do" - but not said why you think you should do anything.

That said:

Firstly: rather than laughing, some people may actually be trying to be kind, and using humour to say "look, it's ok if you are gay". What you're experiencing now is 100x better than if you were gay everyone was all up-tight about it.

Second: would you like to have a girlfriend, or are you quite happy without one? If you'd like one, there are lots of old posts to read here with suggestions ... join clubs/classes to meet women ... ask friends if there's anyone they can set you up on dates with ... go to assertiveness classes ... find a counsellor and ask them for help ...

Thirdly: do you want to sort things out with the family friend? If so, take him out for a quiet beer/coffee/whatever, and talk to him about why his behaviour annoyed you. He can't treat you more respectfully if he doesn't know how you perceive his current behaviour. You might even have to apologise if you flew off the handle a bit ... and in fact, this would open the door for him to apologise to you as well (after he knows that there's a problem).

Fourthly: If you just want people to stop speculating ... sorry, but you'll have to leave town if not the county/country for this, in Ireland they can't help themselves.

Fifthly: if the problem is just that you're shy and lack confidence ... back to those assertiveness courses again. But don't beat yourself up over this: if you're Irish, then you've been told off for being "bold" since you were very small, so it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll be shy. Even other people who seem super confident are actually less so than they seem, they've just learned techniques for covering it up better. Stop comparing yourself to them, and start working out what you want to change in your own life, compared only to yourself.

AARRRGH

spurious wrote: »

Hmmm, for straight people maybe.

:rolleyes:

I think you're in the minority there mate.

dihaemef wrote:

i am angry but feel a bad for being aggressive

Ah, it's OK. If anyone is wound up about anything for long enough, they're bound to snap.

Perhaps this is a good time to start thinking about a solution to your confidence and shyness.

Mrs OBumble

dihaemef wrote: »

actually i've a lot of probs but the reason i made the post is: this guy has been annoying me(without him knowing hes been annoying me) and i got pretty angry with him. i'm not violent but he thought i was going to hit him. i am angry but feel a bad for being aggressive

Ok .. I've just seen this post.

I definitely recommend the counsellor now: if you feel bad for expressing anger, then you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life if you don't sort things out a bit more.

And sooner or later, someone is going to say something (about this or something totally different) that will cause you to hit them ... and there's a real risk that you'll let this person have it for every other thing that's made you mad over the years as well, and really do them some damage.

Get professional help .. don't rely on pop-psych from message boards.

BDubliner

If you have a change pouch in your wallet your gay

randylonghorn

MIN2511 wrote: »

Lack of confidence isn't enough to make them think you are gay

Shouldn't be, but I think the crucial words here are "small town". Some of them are so up their own arses they probably qualify as gay in their own right! :rolleyes:

Anyone who thinks they can reliably judge someone's sexuality by appearance, mannerisms, etc. is pure daft. I've known a 6' 4" rugby player who was an aggressive animal on the pitch who was not only gay, but passive by preference to boot, and a rail-thin guy with an very high-pitched voice (glandular issues or some such) who was not only rampantly heterosexual but when he fell for his current OH barely let her out of the bedroom for the first 3 months!

dihaemef wrote: »

actually i've a lot of probs but the reason i made the post is: this guy has been annoying me(without him knowing hes been annoying me) and i got pretty angry with him. i'm not violent but he thought i was going to hit him. i am angry but feel a bad for being aggressive

I'd be tempted to say "why do you even care?", but I do understand what small town Ireland can be like, and how things can wear you down after a while. You might also remember though that often when lads are slagging, they will be more likely to return to a recurrent theme if they get a reaction. They often don't really mean much harm, but if it is getting on your nerves, it can become a serious issue after a while.

That's where humour can be very useful, tbh. Laughing and saying something like: "Jaysus, lads, if ye're THAT fecking interested, drop 'em and line up along the bar there. It might take a few viagra, but I'm sure I can do something for ye!!" can defuse a lot of the slagging, turn it round on them or at least turn it into an even two-way slagging match which neither side takes too seriously.

As to the guy you feel bad about falling out with, perhaps a more serious approach initially. Take him aside and talk honestly to him. Something like: "Look, if it's any of your business, I'm not gay. And I'm getting pissed off with all the innuendo, day in, day out. Sorry if it all came to a head on you, but it's been building up for a long time. Can you give it a rest, please?"

dihaemef wrote: »

well i buy levis sometimes dont think that counts.

Lol!

Oh, there's no hope for you! It will be pink shirts, leather thongs and a bandanna next!

Wibbs

BDubliner wrote: »

If you have a change pouch in your wallet your gay

Not very informative post, so read the charter or take it elsewhere. That's me being polite BTW.

Overheal

dihaemef wrote: »

actually i've a lot of probs but the reason i made the post is: this guy has been annoying me(without him knowing hes been annoying me) and i got pretty angry with him. i'm not violent but he thought i was going to hit him. i am angry but feel a bad for being aggressive

Gooooood.....Goooooooood............ I can sense the manliness flowing from you.... [/darth sidious] now go kill a deer with your bare hands!

edit: if you're angry then get angry. maybe a good proper show of posturing will get him to back down a bit. Dont hit him, btw.