Wedding issues/problems

LegacyUser

Been with my girlfriend 5 years. Love her very very much. She wants to get married and having the big white wedding and the fancy hotel.

I do not. I would not mind the church bit but we both have large families, lots of friends and our parents expect us to invite half of our respective towns! I do not want to waste so much money and getting people fed and drunk! I have no problem with the church bit but we did some costings and honestly we were looking at about 400 people that "we have" invite.
Even though its a country wedding with everything thrown in were probably talking €45k or more.

Personally I do not want to throw away this money but my girlfriend does. We are at an impasse and I can tell she's getting more angry by the day that I dont want to do it her way.

Any suggestions/compromises I can offer here?
I tried the whie wedding and a reception at our house with caterers but she wasnt interested.

barbiegirl

Hi Firstt I think the wedding forum might get you more responses.
Ways around this, get married abroad, you'd be amazed how the people you love will travel and how you get not to ask all the cousins, great aunts, family friends etc. We've got 140 coming for ours in Italy this summer. User weather, romance etc as talking points.
Sit down with your girlfriend and an excel sheet, start working the costings, she'll soon see the reasons, then bring in the parents and show them. You'll be happy that once they see the affect most parents look and think right that is too much. Then agree limits, redo the budget and see how that works out.
The most beautiful places are generally for small and medium weddings, this can help narrow things down.
A marquee in a beautiful garden can reduce costs, caterers with a buffet style etc. It's not a party in the house it's a very in and upmarket way of partying so it might just appeal. Ask about some of the bigger older stately houses in your area might let you hire the garden for the day.
Really the wedding needs to be about the two of you and what you want. Make it clear to your other half that you are not looking for a cheap day but also you can't enter your new life together in the red.
Good luck and congratulations on finding your other half :-)

humanji

Can you afford it? If not, point that out to her. If you can, then why not? It's your wedding day. Don't think about the cost, just think about enjoying it.

Beruthiel

weddingnono wrote: »

I have no problem with the church bit but we did some costings and honestly we were looking at about 400 people that "we have" invite.
Even though its a country wedding with everything thrown in were probably talking €45k or more.

400 people!
€45k!
You'd have to be mad. If my other half suggested we go down that route, I'd be telling him he's paying.
Have you discussed how much ye want to spend on the wedding? If not, that's where you start.

I see you've gone unregged. Do you wish me to move this to the Wedding/Marriages forum?

Mr. Incognito

Is she paying half?

Drummerboy2

A lot of people now give cash as presents, this could offset the cost.

tbh

it's probably dangerous to assume that you'll make any money at the wedding, although I know you probably will.

OP, I suggest pretending to go along with your fiancee. "Ok, we need to get 45k, where are we going to get that from?" " we can borrow it" "ok, so we need to borrow 45k, that'll be 800 quid a month for 10 years (or whatever), so I guess we can't really do too much in the way of buying a house/car/honeymoon" etc. It sounds like the oh is getting a bit carried away - don't be too hard on her for that. Just gently point out the realities and I'm sure she'll come around.

whatsgoinon

45k!!! oh dear lord.
My brother got married in Italy last year, immediate family and partners only, there was about 20 of us, it was perfect. They did this because the people they wanted to come, couldn't afford it, and the people who could afford it, they didn't really want them there in the first place. After a week in Italy, they went on honeymoon for a month and then came back to Ireland where they had a buffet reception for 200 people, bride wore her dress, everyone dressed up like it was the actual day of the wedding. They had a buffet dinner, think it cost about €30 a head, brought in their own wine, which they had to pay corkage on, and had a dj, no band. Everyone said it was the best wedding they had ever been at, no palaver over who to invite, or politics of seating arrangements.

45k for a wedding, for one day, tbh I think she is being a bit selfish. I know its every womans dream day etc, but I would be ashamed of spending that much money.

Hope you get it sorted.

Quality

It is only one day in a girls life that she gets married!!

Are either families going to contribute to your wedding day? Seeing as they will be contributing to who you do and dont invite!!

m83

F*ck that!!! Put the foot down OP, never in a million years would I pay 45k for a wedding! And you shouldn't either, its a scandal!

Oryx

You werent wrong when you said you were at an impasse. Have to say Im with you on this one, I think 45k for a wedding is complete and utter lunacy, and people get locked up for less.

But I have to put my thoughts aside for a second. Obviously your oh thinks different. Her wedding is a huge deal, she clearly thinks its a once in a lifetime thing. She wants all the trimmings in a fancy location with everyone including your binman invited, you want lowkey in your own home. Somehow you both need to meet in the middle on this. So sit down, both of you, and get out a pen and paper. See what you agree on for starters, for example, pick a church, how many bridesmaids. Do costings on cars, suits, flowers and dresses (Is she willing to rent hers). Then move on to the real bone of contention. Who comes. Figure out what kind of headcount, if it is 400 or can in any way be whittled down. This figuring out is not a tit for tat argument of who gets what they want, its a reckoning on what you can realistically do. Based on your prospective guest list, price venues together. Make your prices plucked from the air into real quotes, which you then see how you can fund. Perhaps when your gf sees you are really willing to get into this and plan, and when she sees the real costs written down, you may get somewhere with her compromising a bit.

And if you do end up going down the road of a huge knees up, dont be afraid to ask every one of your 400 guests for money as a present, its getting to be totally acceptable.


PS I did the wedding at home bit, and it was fantastic.

TEDDYBEAR90

weddingnono wrote: »

Been with my girlfriend 5 years. Love her very very much. She wants to get married and having the big white wedding and the fancy hotel.

I do not. I would not mind the church bit but we both have large families, lots of friends and our parents expect us to invite half of our respective towns! I do not want to waste so much money and getting people fed and drunk! I have no problem with the church bit but we did some costings and honestly we were looking at about 400 people that "we have" invite.
Even though its a country wedding with everything thrown in were probably talking €45k or more.

Personally I do not want to throw away this money but my girlfriend does. We are at an impasse and I can tell she's getting more angry by the day that I dont want to do it her way.

Any suggestions/compromises I can offer here?
I tried the whie wedding and a reception at our house with caterers but she wasnt interested.

:eek: 45 k!?! No wonder so many people are just living together

IanCurtis

Advice: Call it off and find someone who isn't so selfish

FakeRedHead

KtK wrote: »

dont be afraid to ask every one of your 400 guests for money as a present, its getting to be totally acceptable.

No it's not. It's totally crass.

The idea that you have to give a couple (you may not know or like and certainly didn't want to take a day of work for) €300 because that is what your being at the wedding cost them is appalling.

If you want to throw an overpriced party then be prepared to pay for it yourself (and that doesn't mean your parents or inlaws paying).

I make a rule of giving couples who are rude enough to ask for money some very bad looking china .

chuckles30

400 people is just mad!!! You should both draw up a list of the people you want to invite. Then if either of your parents want other people invited, tell them that's fine, but it's going to be €xxx per head and they'll have to foot the bill for them. Or else draw the line and just invite the people you want & do something that you and your oh can agree on. 45k will go along way on your house, which you'll be living in for years. 45k on a wedding.....which will probably last 12/14 hours......not even a day......just sounds mad :eek:

spinandscribble

is 45k the actual figure or one that entered your head? theres nothing wrong with having a nice wedding (a decent one doesnt cost 45k) but 400 guests is excessive. your second cousin once removed doesnt need to be there. just the aunts/uncles and fave cousins. then your mates. you can have a proper reception just not a huge one at the dearest one in town. 400 ppl? seriously....

Miss Fluff

That is so ridiculous, 45k on a wedding is fine if you want to do a Jordan and Peter Andre and invite 400 people you "have" to invite, how crass indeed.

You refer to her as your girlfriend as opposed to fiance. Have you actually proposed as yet?

Blush_01

OP - the foreign wedding thing sounds like a reasonably good idea. A marquee at home, when set up and removal costs are considered and insurance is factored in, gets really expensive. My cousin is getting married in September and she initially wanted to have a marquee at home, but was quoted something obscene like 14k as best offer, not including setting hire, table and chairs, etc. Hotels tend to have all of that already, so it can work out cheaper going in that direction.

Another cousin (lets call her Claire) is getting married in April. Her sister (call her Anna) got married in November, invited the aunts and uncles, the eldest cousin from each family, some close family friends, and their personal friends. Even at that, the wedding party was over 200 strong. Anna had been saving for years, Claire is building a house and that's been her priority. She's having about 150 guests, as far as I know. My feeling on the matter is that I'd like to be invited to Claire's wedding, we've been very good friends over the years, but I'd much rather she had a really good day and didn't have to pay for it for the next decade than attend if it puts that pressure on her and her husband. No reasonable person will mind being invited to the afters as opposed to the full wedding if they're not that close. There will be some family friends who have practically been family themselves who might need more consideration, but the main thing is that the whole day is about the two of you. There's no point fretting the day away because of the obscene price it's costing or the fact that lots of people are introverted because they don't know eachother. Invite people you want to have there to celebrate with you, leave the ones you don't really know but feel obliged to invite out. If you offend someone, then that's really their problem.

My uncle and aunt (who is French) got married in France. Not all of my uncle's family could go, so they had a party when they came home. People didn't feel under pressure to dress up to the degree they would have for the wedding, but it was a good knees-up and everyone appreciated an informal celebration of their relationship almost more than a formal wedding. A friend's sister got married in Italy earlier this year, people they really felt close to travelled, the ones who didn't feel like they were a) worth the effort or b) all that close didn't bother. It cost a fraction of the price of the wedding here and was in a far more beautiful setting. Offer costings of a variety of options, then see what suits you guys best.

Best of luck though, many girls dream of their perfect wedding from a young age - you've got a bit of a battle on your hands!

clairefrilly

tell her if she wants a 45k wedding then she can pay for it herself. utterly ridiculous . it seems to me there is a breed of woman who once they get engaged think that they have , somehow overnight transformed into some kind of magical fairy princess and the world and his mother must bow down in awe of her . really she needs to cop on. i worked in a bridal shop and saw my fair share of these types. bit harsh here but really ! imagine the the traveling you could do on a quarter of that.

SAXA

From my experience the number of guest does not increase the actual cost of the wedding very much if at all. The gifts you get (mostly cash these days) covers that expense. If asked what gift you would like just say cash would be fine. Its all the things outside of the numbers sitting down for the meal that the cost lie. Church, dress, flowers, Suit hire, car hire, honeymoon invitations and such. Some of these can be done without. You can do up our own invites. You surly know someone with a nice car who will lend it for the day. You can book the honeymoon on line with a bit of research. Be carefully with the wine at the meal not being stingy but go through the guest and see how many actually drink and calculate how many bottles that is. When that is reached then ask the hotel to come to you before opening any more. The hotel should do will do a basic decoration on the tables and of course they will do more at a cost. Just buy some flowere petals and sprinkle on the tables. There must be someone who can do a wedding cake for you. It can be there gift to you. Photographs and Dvd you cannot really scimp on but shop around. Same with DJ and Band.

LegacyUser

FakeRedHead wrote: »

The idea that you have to give a couple (you may not know or like and certainly didn't want to take a day of work for) €300 because that is what your being at the wedding cost them is appalling.

If you want to throw an overpriced party then be prepared to pay for it yourself (and that doesn't mean your parents or inlaws paying).

I make a rule of giving couples who are rude enough to ask for money some very bad looking china .

Why are you going to the wedding of people you (i) don't know (ii) don't like or (iii) don't want to take a day off work for? Sounds like a complete waste of time and money for them and you!

The OP has stated that the parents have hinted/said that they expect numerous people to be invited. If they want every man and his dog to go then they should pay for them.

And finally how disgusting to give bad looking china! Next time just RSVP and tell them that you won't be there.

K_P

Why does your girlfriend want to get married? Is it for you both to show your lifelong commitment to each other? Or does she literally just want to wear the princess dress and show off to her family and friends? €45k is a hell of a lot of money just for some overgrown little girl to play dress-up for the day.

Marksie

45K

and 400 "must have" people

These would be the people who would never be seen before or since.

Personally i think your partner has read one too many mills and boon.

tbh

I'd like to make a suggestion here.

the op knows that 45k is too much, but lets be realistic - he obviously loves this girl, and he's not just going to walk away.

the question the OP is asking is (IMO) "I don't know the steps I need to take to get to a compromise here" NOT "is 45k too much?"

his girlfriend isn't a bitch, she's a dreamer. But she's not the only one, so I think it's unfair to be too hard on her. The advice I think the op is looking for could be applied to a lot in life, so start thinking what you'd do if you had to negotiate with someone you loved.

barbiegirl

I'll just re-iterate. Set out the costs in black and white, set out your savings now, how much you can save per month realistically, take it that you are paying for everything, then any help is a bonus, show your o/h how long it will take to save this amount. Write out all the people you want to be there, bring in the parents, show them the list, allow them each to add maybe 3-4 couples tops, then agree. It will reduce the costs hugely.
Don't ask for cash as a gift, just don't issue a wedding list and that way the majority of people will ask your parents, close friends what they think you would like and then they can say well cash would be great to help with the honeymoon spending money :-) The couple asking for cash outright is seen as mean. Plus you should be inviting people because you want them there, not to pay for their meal.
Don't panic, I'm she loves you for you, she's just a bit carried away. A really nice bottle of wine, a nice fire, music, a spreadsheet and some communication will sort it out.

Nevyn

Gilbert O'Sullivan wrote:

It's Matrimony
I know how you've dreamt about
Being walked down the aisle
But think of the money we'll save
And you'll see it's worthwhile
It won't please our mums and dads
But they don't even know,
Besides if they did what's the betting
They wouldn't even go
You and me are all that matters
Disregard the rest
Trust your soon to be old man
He knows what is best
Very shortly now there's going to be
An answer from you
Then one from me
That's matrimony
I'm truly grateful for the little things in life
That have made me so glad
Every other hour that I spend with you
Is not in the least bit sad
Quite the opposite in fact
And if you don't believe me
Here's the proof
Ask me if I and I'll say "Aye, I do"

[Break]

You and me are all that matters
Disregard the rest
Trust your soon to be old man
He knows what is best
Very shortly now there's going to be
An answer from you
Then one from me
That's matrimony
Marriage-the joining together of the two people
For better or for worse Till death them do part

While I would consider getting married I never want a 'wedding'.

Coffea

OP, sorry for stating the obvious but if she really loves you she'll marry you with or without the €45K wedding.

It's your wedding too! Just because your other half is the bride-to-be it doesn't mean she can bully you into spending loadsa cash on a fairytale wedding.

leahcim

You could easily do a wedding for 400 on way less than 45k.

There are plenty of hotels that would charge you 60€ (even less) per head for the meal. Thats 24k for the 400 guests.

All the rest of the things (wedding car, dress, church, band etc) will cost the same if you have 50 or 400 guests.

I have done some sample calculations based on inviting 100 and 400 guests.

Assumptions:
Meal cost 60€ per head
Drink 1/2 bottle per person at 20€ a bottle
Band cost 1000€
Church 300€
Flowers 500€
Wedding Car 500€
1/3 of the guests will give you cash of 75€

Cost of a wedding for 100 people
========================
Meal (60x100) = 6000€
Drink (50x20) = 1000€
Band = 1000€
Church = 300€
Flowers = 500€
Wedding Car = 500€
Total Cost = 9300€
Less 1/3 giving 75€ (-2500)
Total cost after cash gifts = 6800€

Cost of a wedding for 400 people
========================
Meal (60x100) = 24000€
Drink (50x20) = 4000€
Band = 1000€
Church = 300€
Flowers = 500€
Wedding Car = 500€
Total Cost = 30300€
Less 1/3 giving 75€ (-10000)
Total cost after cash gifts = 20300€

In my opinion 20300€ isn't that much money to spend to give a girl the big family wedding she has always dreamed about. Its the price of a small family car ffs.

My assumption of only 1/3 of the guests giving 75€ is very conservative. I got married in 2006 and the majority of the guests rang us (or our parents) and asked what gift we wanted. We did not have a wedding list so the majority of guests gave cash (probably 80%). Very few people give kitchen appliances or the like these days as most couples already have a house and are living together.

amazingemmet

Isn't the father of the bride meant to pay?

Foreign wedding sounds like the best way to go.

Oryx

amazingemmet wrote: »

Isn't the father of the bride meant to pay?

Maybe if your name is Paris Hilton or you live in 1952.

Nowadays the cost is usually lumped on top of your mortgage.

LaVidaLoca

45 K would buy you TWO houses with a swimming pool 100 Metres from the beach in Brazil.

If she wants you to spend this on what, lets face it, is a ****ing PARTY, for one night, tell her where to ****ing stick it. Hell for 45 grand you could BUY yourselve a hareem of Russian wives to replace her with.

I have been to hundreds of weddings of friends of mine: And I can quite honestly say that I didnt give a rats arse about the fancy food, the flowers, the little cards on the table with my name on, or the overpaid crappy band.

I cared about watching two friends of mine declare their love for each other in public. End of story. And partying with them and celebrating, which is as close to free as you can name.

A colleague of mine recently confessed he was spending 30 K on his forthcoming wedding (more than his annual salary). I nearly shat meself when I heard and said so. He said jokingly "Yeah, well you try telling her she cant have it."

My reaction to this is, if a woman is going to ask you to spend this amount of cash to bolster up ridiculous fantasies instilled in her by years of gender-conditioning, you should therefore have the right to insist on a motorbike and a yearly trip to Bangkok to work off the frustration of living with her.

*rant over*

CrazyNoob

leahcim wrote: »

You could easily do a wedding for 400 on way less than 45k.

There are plenty of hotels that would charge you 60€ (even less) per head for the meal. Thats 24k for the 400 guests.

All the rest of the things (wedding car, dress, church, band etc) will cost the same if you have 50 or 400 guests.

I have done some sample calculations based on inviting 100 and 400 guests.

Assumptions:
Meal cost 60€ per head
Drink 1/2 bottle per person at 20€ a bottle
Band cost 1000€
Church 300€
Flowers 500€
Wedding Car 500€
1/3 of the guests will give you cash of 75€

Cost of a wedding for 100 people
========================
Meal (60x100) = 6000€
Drink (50x20) = 1000€
Band = 1000€
Church = 300€
Flowers = 500€
Wedding Car = 500€
Total Cost = 9300€
Less 1/3 giving 75€ (-2500)
Total cost after cash gifts = 6800€

Cost of a wedding for 400 people
========================
Meal (60x100) = 24000€
Drink (50x20) = 4000€
Band = 1000€
Church = 300€
Flowers = 500€
Wedding Car = 500€
Total Cost = 30300€
Less 1/3 giving 75€ (-10000)
Total cost after cash gifts = 20300€

In my opinion 20300€ isn't that much money to spend to give a girl the big family wedding she has always dreamed about. Its the price of a small family car ffs.

My assumption of only 1/3 of the guests giving 75€ is very conservative. I got married in 2006 and the majority of the guests rang us (or our parents) and asked what gift we wanted. We did not have a wedding list so the majority of guests gave cash (probably 80%). Very few people give kitchen appliances or the like these days as most couples already have a house and are living together.

Personally I'd say the above is utter fantasy and wishful thinking. Another problem being you often have to pay deposits and settle prior to receiving that magical 20K in cash gifts, which is always fun.

400 people for 45K!!! not a snowballs chance in hell of you hitting that price unless you slash and burn on everything.
And I know because I've half that amount coming too mine and higher cost - OP and leachim Fair play if you did it for 45K, my hat is off to you in salute

leahcim

CrazyNoob said:

Personally I'd say the above is utter fantasy and wishful thinking.

Why do you say this?

Where is the extra cost CrazyNoob?

Oryx

I sat 160 people, at home, for a full on dinner. Properly dressed tables, hired delph etc, candles, flowers, balloons, complementary wine, and full staff. Band disco, and bar. No closing time either. Proper trailer type loos with gold taps, for gods sake. We had a large warehouse which was the only place we saved money, not needing a marquee. Everyone said it was wonderful, and they werent just being polite.

Still came in at less than a quarter of what youre quoting here, including cars, suits dresses. It can be done cheap, but impressive, if youre willing to put in the groundwork, and know which are the right corners to cut.

FakeRedHead

atwork wrote: »

And finally how disgusting to give bad looking china! Next time just RSVP and tell them that you won't be there.

Ok, that was a bit tongue-in-cheek. I don't really do it....much.
I just think it's awful to ask people for money as a gift.

And I think everybody's been to a few weddings they felt they 'had' to go to or it would have been rude.

OP, I can't really relate to your gf's situation as the wedding was never really important to me.
It obviously is to her though.
But is there no chance she'd consider her closest 60 people or so in a very tasteful setting?
Why does it have to be so big? I really don't think the second or third cousins expect or want to be invited and why would she want to pay for them to be there?

CrazyNoob

leahcim wrote: »

CrazyNoob said:


Why do you say this?

Where is the extra cost CrazyNoob?

Generally you wont receive the 20K in gifts in the run up to the wedding
so you're going to have cash flow issues straight away, with your approach although it balances in the end - I can see the vendors waiting for the cash till you get your gifts

Unfortunately weddings are expensive and retail/commerical world cash in when they hear that word and end up charging premium prices

The alternative is compromise (on most things) and try do it cheaper which people can be reluctant to do - which in reality isnt always a flier - paritcularlly if you have a certain hotel or venue in mind - and rip off ireland kicks in with avengance :(:(

K_P

leahcim wrote: »

You could easily do a wedding for 400 on way less than 45k.

There are plenty of hotels that would charge you 60€ (even less) per head for the meal. Thats 24k for the 400 guests.

All the rest of the things (wedding car, dress, church, band etc) will cost the same if you have 50 or 400 guests.

I have done some sample calculations based on inviting 100 and 400 guests.

Assumptions:
Meal cost 60€ per head
Drink 1/2 bottle per person at 20€ a bottle
Band cost 1000€
Church 300€
Flowers 500€
Wedding Car 500€
1/3 of the guests will give you cash of 75€

Cost of a wedding for 100 people
========================
Meal (60x100) = 6000€
Drink (50x20) = 1000€
Band = 1000€
Church = 300€
Flowers = 500€
Wedding Car = 500€
Total Cost = 9300€
Less 1/3 giving 75€ (-2500)
Total cost after cash gifts = 6800€

Cost of a wedding for 400 people
========================
Meal (60x100) = 24000€
Drink (50x20) = 4000€
Band = 1000€
Church = 300€
Flowers = 500€
Wedding Car = 500€
Total Cost = 30300€
Less 1/3 giving 75€ (-10000)
Total cost after cash gifts = 20300€

In my opinion 20300€ isn't that much money to spend to give a girl the big family wedding she has always dreamed about. Its the price of a small family car ffs.

My assumption of only 1/3 of the guests giving 75€ is very conservative. I got married in 2006 and the majority of the guests rang us (or our parents) and asked what gift we wanted. We did not have a wedding list so the majority of guests gave cash (probably 80%). Very few people give kitchen appliances or the like these days as most couples already have a house and are living together.

What you've listed are the basics. There's also the DJ, the photographer, the videographer, the round of drinks for 400 people to toast the bride and groom with, the dress, the bridesmaids dresses, suits for the groom and groomsmen, the little gifts for the guests. The list goes on.

Some of these of course can be done without, but from OP's post, his girlfriend wants the works. Things like the wedding dress and suits and photographer will obviously cost the same regardless of the size of the wedding, but they're costs that need to be considered.

nmk

Op you could do as other posters have suggested and work out an actual costings of the day. See what you come up with and then see what is actually hugely important to either of you (and therefore, worth splashing out on but shop around for bargains). If keeping the budget under control is important to you, you'll have to stress this and your compromise could be that you have an input into sourcing the best value for products that your fiancé is happy with. Neither of you can have it all your own way, maybe she'll have to choose between either all 400 people or the fanciest hotel or reduced meal choices or a shorter honeymoon, and you'll be happy paying for say, a vintage wedding car if favours are skipped.

If you think about what you're buying you'll save a fortune on wedding stuff when you consider how much it's actually worth to you (e.g. is it really necessary for a flowergirl to have a raw silk gown scattered with hand-sewn seed pearls when you can buy a still gorgeous looking synthetic dress for €30 online from the states, child still feels like a princess and looks the part). There are regional differences to the price of many of the basics - I paid €35 on the day to get my hair put up and I think a bit less for trials, my friend in Dublin paid €75 on the day and €50 per trial. There's a lot to be said for getting married in the country!

FakeRedHead wrote: »

And I think everybody's been to a few weddings they felt they 'had' to go to or it would have been rude.

I think it's even ruder to go and feel resentful about having to be there, if people felt they should invite you (maybe because they were inviting someone they knew in the same circle you're friends with) it's because they didn't want to offend you, or maybe, just maybe, they actually like you and think that taking a day or twos holidays to share one of the most important days of their life wouldn't be something you'd be put out over. I think that the two faced 'poor me' attitude of some people asked to attend as guests is far more crass than people admitting upfront that it's a financially difficult time and requesting (politely) for cash gifts. As another poster said, just don't go.

gcgirl

Personaly i think spending that amount of money is utter madness! I am a women and i just don't get thins bloody glass slipper thing! there are too many spending stupid amounts of money on weddings just for the day and not thinking about the aftermath then couple years down the line divorce !
Go overseas close family and close friends it is so much nicer!

Das Kitty

We're having 280 at ours and it's costing about 19K all in all. About 11K of that is the food.

We didn't go mad splashing out but we didn't skimp too much either. There's some tips over on the weddings forum for saving money on weddings that are brilliantly useful. A few examples:
- dresses on line
- flowers yourself
- cake yourself
- simple home-made invites
- no choice for the meal / buffet
- miwadi with the meal (:p)

That said 400 people is going to limit your venue choices considerably, pick a smaller number and start trimming out guests. Cut some back to evening invites too.

You might just be freaking because you see it as this massive thing. Unless your fiancee has ridiculously expensive tastes you should come in way under the 45K.

McGinty

The only thing I can add Op is that 45k is obscene for a wedding, I know everyone hopes for it to a once off affair but there is no guarntee, but that is way too much money for one day, and there are so many ways to cut costs, do you need the flowers for the church, handprinted stationary, can the wedding cake be decorated by you or your fiancee (I did my own cake, I basically bought the iced cake and tied a ribbon round each base, added flowers and silver beads and horseshoes it looked professional but for a fraction of the cost) there are so many ways to cut corners, also reiterate to your fiancee that the wedding party is one day, your marriage is for life and that is where the focus should be, hopefully she is not becoming a bridezilla and if she is kick her in to touch (not literally of course)

estar

i know its easy to get sucked into the whole fantasy
wedding and country weddings are very competitive
with all the trimmings.

but people are getting tired of the vulgarity.
if i attend one more bride of franc style
wedding where people are trying to shove their
"wealth" (daddys money / bank load)
down my throat, then i will go on a mad
rampage at the next one, slashing pointless chair
backs, stamping on presents for the guests that
are thrown out, the five bridesmaids and four
page boys, the mercs, the big cakes that no one
eats, the ****% wedding bands. WHY?????????????

imo the only money well spent is on food and drink
and the church and a good band.

i know a person who flew to newyork to get
fitted for a vera wang dress. twice.

IT LOOKED THE VERY SAME AS A TWO GRAND DRESS

if you did have the money its obscene to waste
it on such sh%te

tell princess that she can pay the loan back if she wnats to spend the extra.

who wants to start their marraige 45k in debt?

compromise is the key to a successful marraige.

give her a budget of 30K. and that would be final.

a wedding abroad is a great compromise and is
exotic and can be fancy.