short chapter from a book i am writing

Ronchi

Wind swept slowly down Arkans lane. Lazily blowing bits of scraps, left over from the day, into the shadowy abyss of the draping walls on either side. The silvery sparkle of the moons light reflected off puddles of water in the centre of the lane.
Suddenly, a figure darted out and snatched a scrap of litter, claiming its victory of the night, and scrambling back to the shadows hidden from the searching gaze of the moon.
Silence flowed through the lane, with only the slow drip of water falling from grace to the damp moldy ground.
A click of a metallic object broke the silence followed by a shuffling and whining sound from the darkness of the walls. The sparkling light of water on the ground caught the glisten of two big yellow eyes producing from the darkness.
The eyes looked in the direction of the lanes entrance, where a much larger figure now stood half draped in the shadows and half exposed to the moons revealing light.
The figure moved slowly down the lane almost with the look of gliding. It carefully manoeuvred around the puddles avoiding detection.
The yellow eyes looked upon the figure knowing that it had failed the moment it stepped into the gripping light of the silvery globe.
Suddenly, laughter rang out from one of the dark sides of the lane. Little figures sped off up the lane in fear. Their tails frantically waving from side to side, as they ran to a new area of safety to lurk. But those two big yellow eyes stayed watching.
The larger figure twirled around with its arm held forward. It held something in its hand.
“Oh a gun….how…pathetic” came the voice of a woman from the shadows. “So you’re the person they sent to find and finish me…a man. You think because you’re a man you can get the better of me, a woman? Oh….lessons will be learned
“Oh by the way….wrong way”.
A sharp pain hit the man’s arm and he fell on to the middle of the lane fully exposed by the light now. He had short black hair, pale skin and frosty ice blue eyes that could send a shiver down anyone’s spine.
“That sure made me feel all warm inside. How about you? Sneered the woman
Stepping out into the light two big brown eyes that could suck any mans gaze into them stared emotionlessly down at the man sprawled on the ground. These eyes were surrounded by a flawless ivory face and long black hair
"Please, I wasn’t going to hurt you.” Gasped the man
“I know, you weren’t able to. I have faced far worse than you in my world, you never stood a chance.
The man slowly began to slide a knife from under his sleeve
“That’s a silly thing to do!” shouted the woman. Slamming her foot into his arm, the man was sent tumbling to the other side of the lane.
“How could you possibly have seen that” gasped the man who was staring in puzzlement.
“Actually I can’t see you at all but she can” she said pointing into the darkness.
The yellow eyes glared at the man as they came into the light. They belonged to a large black cat.
The man noticed now as he looked closer that the woman’s eyes were dazed and glass like.
“Goodbye” she whispered
“No please don’t!”
A cry of terror pierced the darkness of Arkans lane and then silence once more.
In the distance, a shimmering golden line of light was crawling upon the night. It soon reached the lane and now the fiery light chased the shadow across the walls of the lane, beating it back revealing what lay beyond.
A woman could be seen lying against a wall, chewing on a bone. A large black cat lay upon her shoulder staring up at the sky.
“Oh Fenix, this didn’t taste to good at all” she said
The cat responded by purring, then settled back to watching the deepening crimson sky.

Memnoch

I hope this does not read as too harsh and that you have your thickest skin ready nearby. To me, the piece is overly flowery. It feels like you are trying too hard to write something "beautiful," and are cramming it with adjectives and descriptions that are not necessary and don't work.

The sentence structure is disjointed and does not flow. There are also severe grammatical errors throughout, right from the first sentence. These aren't tiny, superfluous mistakes like misplaced comma's, but really basic stuff that severely detracts from the quality of the piece.

I'm afraid that the dialogue doesn't fare much better.

Lastly, it looks like you are writing from a 3rd person omniscient perspective, which is really easy to mess up. You seem to jump between the perspectives of two charecters a lot and the effect is jarring. I would try switching to 3rd person limited. I.E. Either from the man's perspective, or the cat-woman thingy's.

Please understand, I'm not trying to hurt your confidence, or be mean, or anything like that. I'm just pointing out what appear to me to be flaws in the writing as neutrally as I can.

Overall, it needs a lot of work. Keep reading and practising.

smcgiff

Hi Ronchi,

First of all good luck with your story.

I’d classify three types of popular fiction. One where the writer makes good use of imagery, and the reader is willing to go along on the ride with the author, led page by page by each of the five senses. Then there are writers that aren’t very good, but have a cracking idea. These are most common and include the likes of Dan Browne and John Grisham. Then there’s a third that can marry beautiful prose and a cracking good yarn. These are more subjective, and each reader will have their favourite.

I find your use of imagery slows up the reading and I had to go back on several sentences to figure out what you were trying to convey. You dialogue was better, but the use of sweetie was grating (maybe that’s just me).

Also, you might want to avoid making all the males Adonis’s and the females nefertiti’s, especially if they are only going to last one or two scenes. Keep that for main characters if necessary.

One of my favourite lines blended the right amount of simplicity and the right amount of imagery.

’The cat responded by purring and then settled back to watching the colourful sky of red and orange.’

So, I’m not sure how good a story teller you might be as I found it hard to follow the story, and be especially careful with the flowery language, remember, the attention span of the average person is

rockbeer

smcgiff wrote: »

One of my favourite lines blended the right amount of simplicity and the right amount of imagery.

’The cat responded by purring and then settled back to watching the colourful sky of red and orange.’

Curious you should pick out that line: it was one of my favourites too, but even that I would change:

’The cat responded by purring, then settled back to watch the red and orange sky.’

In my view has a much better rhythm, and readability is all about rhythm. "settled back to watching" sounds awkward, colourful is redundant (it's red and orange ffs, what else could it be?), and ending with the clunky "sky of red and orange" passes up the opportunity to create a greater sense of resolution by placing the direct object last in the sentence (bearing in mind this is the final phrase of the passage).

OP, sorry for the dissection. I think overall the piece has much to enjoy, but I'd concentrate on crafting your sentences more carefully. It reads like a rough first draft to me, written quickly with little revision.

smcgiff

rockbeer wrote: »

colourful is redundant

Important point, well made.

Ronchi

wow..well i know there are errors in it... its just a draft i wanted to show ..i have put it on other writing forums and i must say this one is the first to completely dislike it :P the others found it very good..im surprised a little..oh well thx for the feedback

smcgiff

Ronchi wrote: »

wow..well i know there are errors in it... its just a draft i wanted to show ..i have put it on other writing forums and i must say this one is the first to completely dislike it :P the others found it very good..im surprised a little..oh well thx for the feedback

Hi Ronchi,

Feedback comes in different guises. A number of sites act as cheerleaders, and that’s fine and serves a purpose. Others are more serious, and can be used to help someone serious about writing.

Boards.ie are at times both of these depending on who answers.

If you’re writing a book, chances are it is to get it published. There may be other reasons, but primarily (if we’re honest) it’s to get it published and read by as many people as possible.

If you have not received at least some of the advice in the above critiques from your other forums, then they will most likely be of the cheerleader type. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is most likely to help your writing.

The important thing is not to despair, and if you’re to become an accomplished writer then you’ll have to suffer the slings and arrow as it were.

Good luck.

rockbeer

I must say even though I liked much about it, my reaction was heavily influenced by your very strange first sentence.

"Wind swept slowly down Arkans lane. Lazily blowing bits of scraps, left over from the day, into the shadowy abyss of the draping walls on either side."

This is of course two sentences which should have been one, since you're trying to make the the subject of the first (wind) serve as the subject of the second. As it stands the second sentence is incomplete - it doesn't have a proper subject. What is doing the lazy blowing? Look at it in isolation:

"Lazily blowing bits of scraps, left over from the day, into the shadowy abyss of the draping walls on either side."

it just doesn't work.

When I read something like this I ask myself: is the writer looking to create some special effect? Or is it more likely that he/she just doesn't really understand how to assemble a coherent sentence? In this case I'm afraid I concluded the latter, which got me off on the wrong foot and coloured my view of the entire passage.

Now maybe I'm doing you a disservice, but like it or not, if you put two sentences like that up front you're risking alienating your readers right from the start. Do you really want them to think you're illiterate? You have to be an exceptional writer to take that kind of risk and get away with it. It's hard for your reader to recover from that kind of first impression. Surely the goal is to make them want to go on rather than alienate them?

"Wind swept slowly down Arkans lane, lazily blowing bits of scraps left over from the day into the shadowy abyss of the draping walls on either side."

Now that's a proper sentence.

(The other strange thing about your opening is the phrase "bits of scraps". I dont get what you're trying to say with this I'm afraid. Scraps of what?)

Ronchi

i have had people telling me errors too but just not everyone..they just took the idea into effect..as i said this is just a draft not complete and as for bits of scraps it means random bits of litter... what else does be left on the streets after the day is out that would be called scraps...dead bodies? its pretty obvious and does not need to be explained..telling ur readers every detail is not a good way to go...a simple sentence about scraps does not need to be explained in detail u simply use ur common sense otherwise the book wuld be boring if your spoon fed everything..also when i tell you how one of the figures steals a scrap and claiming a victory its obvious what sorta scraps i mean.. but i appeciate all feedback to better myself

rockbeer

I know what you meant, but "bits of scraps" is a strange, tautologous way of putting it since bits are scraps - so are bits of scraps smaller pieces of already-small pieces? What's wrong with just "scraps"?

Not trying to be funny - these are genuine things that go on in readers' minds. Believe it or not, they ask themselves what you mean.

Anyway, I'd be much more interested in hearing why you split your first sentence...

smcgiff

One other thing, Ronchi, while we're on your piece. You do know you've committed a cardinal sin in seeking reviews. You've submitted a piece unchanged from previous critiques. Unless of course you don't think anything needs to be changed, and in that instance good luck with that!

Ronchi

hah well i have changed it but my edited version is not on the comp i will have to type it up..mm anyways thx for all your bashfull feedback :P

HoldOnTight

"Time to die"

Lol I just cringed my pants off!

Ronchi

lol unless you have some spectacular pieace of writing to show me holdontight thats any better..u cant really say much :P

pookie82

Ronchi wrote: »

i have had people telling me errors too but just not everyone..they just took the idea into effect..as i said this is just a draft not complete and as for bits of scraps it means random bits of litter... what else does be left on the streets after the day is out that would be called scraps...dead bodies? its pretty obvious and does not need to be explained..telling ur readers every detail is not a good way to go...a simple sentence about scraps does not need to be explained in detail u simply use ur common sense otherwise the book wuld be boring if your spoon fed everything..also when i tell you how one of the figures steals a scrap and claiming a victory its obvious what sorta scraps i mean.. but i appeciate all feedback to better myself

Are you a native English speaker?? Because you just said "does be" - mortal sin in terms of English grammar. That tense exists in Irish, I know, and some Irish speakers often translate it without thinking.

Ronchi

mm its pretty normal for someone to say does be...such as the guy does be here sometimes lol..anyways unless i am in school i usually do not use the proper english structure..as u can see "its" is not it's for me...so before ppl start telling me i am making mistakes... know that i mean to lol

smcgiff

Ronchi wrote: »

unless i am in school

Was guessing early 20s at oldest.

Call Me Jimmy

OP, imo you are trying to do waaay too much in each sentence. It feels like I'm being bombarded with imagery and that each sentence is a chore to read. I would say it's an attempt at style over substance but the style isn't very well executed. My eyes should flow across the page as I'm reading a sentence without me having to stop and think "does that even make sense?".

Ronchi

thank you jimmy ..yes i suppose i do stick lots of imagery in my stories its a habit hehe..i do need to learn to space it out

Call Me Jimmy

No problem. And I wouldn't reply if I didn't think I could help, so anything I (and most other posters) say is our honest opinion of what you should do to improve. What age are ye btw?

Ronchi

hah i am 18 and u?

DublinWriter

Ronchi,

Word of warning - a publisher friend of mine once told me at a drunken party that if she receives an unsolicited/uncommissioned work of fiction and if the first line describes the weather in any way, shape or form, it immediately goes in the bin.

Apparently this is a standard practice in the publishing world!

To be honest, you've got something there, but you are really over-egging the pudding. Your language is to florid and descriptive and hampers the flow of the plot. Think 'less is more'.

In a fashion, writing is very much like acting. You have to convince an audience of total strangers to believe in your story.

For example, most amateur actors over-gesticulate; they use their hands way too-much trying to over emphasise a point. This is what your writing is like from a descriptive stand-point.

Look at any classic movie performance from the likes of Oliver, Brando and DeNiro. They barely move when delivering lines. It's all paired down to the bone. It's an in-joke with movie-directors that they have to scream 'LESS!' at actors at the end of every unused take.

For the type of stuff you seem to be writing it might be helpful to go read a couple of Philip Marlowe novels and observe a master at work.

All the best.

DW.

Call Me Jimmy

DublinWriter wrote: »

Ronchi,

Word of warning - a publisher friend of mine once told me at a drunken party that if she receives an unsolicited/uncommissioned work of fiction and if the first line describes the weather in any way, shape or form, it immediately goes in the bin.

Apparently this is a standard practice in the publishing world!

To be honest, you've got something there, but you are really over-egging the pudding. Your language is to florid and descriptive and hampers the flow of the plot. Think 'less is more'.

In a fashion, writing is very much like acting. You have to convince an audience of total strangers to believe in your story.

For example, most amateur actors over-gesticulate; they use their hands way too-much trying to over emphasise a point. This is what your writing is like from a descriptive stand-point.

Look at any classic movie performance from the likes of Oliver, Brando and DeNiro. They barely move when delivering lines. It's all paired down to the bone. It's an in-joke with movie-directors that they have to scream 'LESS!' at actors at the end of every unused take.

For the type of stuff you seem to be writing it might be helpful to go read a couple of Philip Marlowe novels and observe a master at work.

All the best.

DW.

Great post there! Ronchi, 18 sounds about right from what I've read. You are past the age where your writing would be repetitive but not quite at the age where the tricks of the trade are put to use properly. You're on the right track I think and the more constructive criticism you recieve and take note of, the better you'll become. Always keep in mind that when people read fiction, the most important things are the characters and story . Good writing should be easy reading imo.

Ronchi

DublinWriter wrote: »

Ronchi,

Word of warning - a publisher friend of mine once told me at a drunken party that if she receives an unsolicited/uncommissioned work of fiction and if the first line describes the weather in any way, shape or form, it immediately goes in the bin.

Apparently this is a standard practice in the publishing world!

To be honest, you've got something there, but you are really over-egging the pudding. Your language is to florid and descriptive and hampers the flow of the plot. Think 'less is more'.

In a fashion, writing is very much like acting. You have to convince an audience of total strangers to believe in your story.

For example, most amateur actors over-gesticulate; they use their hands way too-much trying to over emphasise a point. This is what your writing is like from a descriptive stand-point.

Look at any classic movie performance from the likes of Oliver, Brando and DeNiro. They barely move when delivering lines. It's all paired down to the bone. It's an in-joke with movie-directors that they have to scream 'LESS!' at actors at the end of every unused take.

For the type of stuff you seem to be writing it might be helpful to go read a couple of Philip Marlowe novels and observe a master at work.

All the best.

DW.

excellent advice thank you ..well some great books have been discarded by about 5 or more publishers..i think jk rowling was rejected 12 times.. so even if it did get thrown out i wouldnt give up just there..it would be silly to..considering all the inspiration floating around.. thanks for your input to jimmy

rockbeer

Ronchi wrote: »

excellent advice thank you ..well some great books have been discarded by about 5 or more publishers..i think jk rowling was rejected 12 times.. so even if it did get thrown out i wouldnt give up just there..it would be silly to..considering all the inspiration floating around.. thanks for your input to jimmy

Fair enough, but it would be equally silly to think there was nothing wrong with your book just because some great ones weren't accepted at first. What I would take from stories like the one about JK is that even great books are difficult to get published. Literally thousands of unsolicited manuscripts land on publishers' desks. Every publisher has a story of the one that got away, but on the whole they're well used to sorting the wheat from the chaff. Yours has to stand out if you want it to stand a chance.

I've said it before on this forum, but the days when you might get lucky with a rough diamond are long gone. It's a cut throat business these days; most books lose money - especially by unknown writers - and even a well-established writer isn't guaranteed to be offered a contract for a new work. You have be persistent and confident in your abilities: you also have to be patient, adaptable and willing to learn and improve.

Sorry if this sounds patronizing, it's not meant to, but it's amazing how many writers delude themselves that their shining talent will make up for all their deficiencies in grammar, precision and attention to detail. It just doesn't work like that.

SassyGirl_1

Hiya Ronchi,

I'd suggested getting your hands on a copy of Stephen King's "On Writing". I read it a few weeks ago and it's really enlightening and cuts out all the BS.

I'm relatively new to writing actual stories myself (about six months) and I've picked up a few tips along the way. One of the best would be "Show, don't tell" (I'm still trying to work out how it works) but I think the idea is to show your characters doing something rather then telling me what they are doing. I'll see if I can find a good example of what I mean and come back to it.

Seeing as you're new (I assume) to writing, rather then going all out with tons of words to describe and event, like other here have said pare it down to almost nothing. When you have lots of practice and experience in handling small sentence, then you could start introducing more "flowery" descriptive stuff. Small simple sentences.

Someone else said to me try and keep it to one adjective per noun. Rather then using two or three. Using one will make you think more about what you're trying to say and how you are saying it, to come up with the correct adjective which fits the sentenace.

Draft, Edit and then Edit again. When that's all done edit it again. Read your story aloud, see how the words sound and flow. Or even better, get someone else to read it and see how it sounds. If they get the intonations without prompts i.e. their reading speeds up on the exciting bits, or they sound surprised without you saying your character was "surprised" then you're on to a good thing.

Later,

Ck.

Ronchi

SassyGirl_1 wrote: »

Hiya Ronchi,

I'd suggested getting your hands on a copy of Stephen King's "On Writing". I read it a few weeks ago and it's really enlightening and cuts out all the BS.

I'm relatively new to writing actual stories myself (about six months) and I've picked up a few tips along the way. One of the best would be "Show, don't tell" (I'm still trying to work out how it works) but I think the idea is to show your characters doing something rather then telling me what they are doing. I'll see if I can find a good example of what I mean and come back to it.

Seeing as you're new (I assume) to writing, rather then going all out with tons of words to describe and event, like other here have said pare it down to almost nothing. When you have lots of practice and experience in handling small sentence, then you could start introducing more "flowery" descriptive stuff. Small simple sentences.

Someone else said to me try and keep it to one adjective per noun. Rather then using two or three. Using one will make you think more about what you're trying to say and how you are saying it, to come up with the correct adjective which fits the sentenace.

Draft, Edit and then Edit again. When that's all done edit it again. Read your story aloud, see how the words sound and flow. Or even better, get someone else to read it and see how it sounds. If they get the intonations without prompts i.e. their reading speeds up on the exciting bits, or they sound surprised without you saying your character was "surprised" then you're on to a good thing.

Later,

Ck.

no i have written stories before that is just a newly done tiny chapter..i never actually went over the errors for it on the computer so that is why the structure is wrong..and yes i know about the show and dont tell..you should read the wheel of time and see the amount of description that goes into that

i know there is something wrong with the chapter rockbeer hehe... i am aware..i am not expecting to be getting contracts and such.. i dont believe writing for money is the way to go... if money comes then thats good but i just write because i like to write ..i may be taking creative writing as a course with some other courses to learn a bit more though..the opinions here have been great though... and there is much to learn from them

tellastory

It's interesting that so many people have taken the time to post a response to your extract, and mostly productive responses at that. This alone would strike me as being indicative of the potential that people see in your writing, so on that basis, you should be encouraged to keep going.